Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest List Woes... What to do?

So I just sent out save the dates today for my fiance and I's wedding... yay!! Then about 2 hours later my fiance's step mother in law calls and says that she has emailed me the guests that she would like on the list.  Now mind you, this stepmother in law and the fiance's father are paying for a little less than half the actual wedding.  I had emailed her a month ago asking for addresses of specific people on the guest list and never heard from her.  My blood boiled a little bit as I read the list of their family friends that they wanted invited.  I considered our guest list final before sending out the save the dates and we are actually above capacity for the reception site (especially if it rains) with just family and lifelong friends.  My fiance called the step mother in law and father and explained this but I am still feeling guilty about this.  Does the fact that they are contributing to our wedding mean that they get to invite who they want to it?  My fiance and I were extremely reluctant to take the money in the first place... now I am wishing that I hadn't.

Re: Guest List Woes... What to do?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-woes-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b0b2c97-7a07-4f19-90ab-7d6eec1cd185Post:c7400122-c477-44ca-8ee0-e4d51eaf4b66">Guest List Woes... What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I just sent out save the dates today for my fiance and I's wedding... yay!! Then about 2 hours later my fiance's step mother in law calls and says that she has emailed me the guests that she would like on the list.  Now mind you, this stepmother in law and the fiance's father are paying for a little less than half the actual wedding.<strong>  I had emailed her a month ago asking for addresses of specific people on the guest list and never heard from her.</strong>  My blood boiled a little bit as I read the list of their family friends that they wanted invited.  I considered our guest list final before sending out the save the dates and we are actually above capacity for the reception site (especially if it rains) with just family and lifelong friends.  My fiance called the step mother in law and father and explained this but I am still feeling guilty about this.  <strong>Does the fact that they are contributing to our wedding mean that they get to invite who they want to it?</strong>  My fiance and I were extremely reluctant to take the money in the first place... now I am wishing that I hadn't.
    Posted by kat5689[/QUOTE]

    In hindsight, you or FI should have called her again to tell her you needed the list.  Especially before mailing them out.  And I think if they are paying a good chunk of the wedding then yes, they should get to invite some people.  But they also shouldn't go crazy.  But you are kind of SOL on this since you already invited up to your capacity. 

    I understand the frustration of asking them for the guest list though.  I had to ask MIL for it for about 2 months, and finally I called one day and said "listen, invites are going out in a week, so if i don't have that list by tomorrow these people aren't getting invited."  Of course, they had it ready for me half an hour later.  But then they still added people to the list twice after that.  Trust me, I feel your pain.
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  • Wait, I just re-read your first line.  You only sent out STDs?  You still have plenty of time into looking for another venue if you wanted to switch.  Can you look into booking a tent to extend the party outside even if it rains, in order to invite more? 
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  • If they're paying, then yes, they get a say. If you're over capacity for your venue, you're SOL for more than just this issue. What if everyone comes? Just tell her you can't invite anyone else period, and it's a cpcacity issue, not a personal thing. Next time, if she wanted people invited to something, she'll learn to get her list put together more quickly.
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    edited November 2010
    I think they should get an equal share of guests.  1/3 for you & FI,  1/3 for your parents and 1/3 for grooms parents.

    That sounds fair to me
  • I agree with dnbeach. You have enough time to make any necessary changes including ordering more save the dates. My mom added people to the list after I ordered our save the dates so I ended up ordering more. I basically mailed them out in two sets but I didn't think it was a big deal. Also, you don't have to send a save the date to EVERYONE (we didn't). You can always just send a formal invitation later.
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  • Thanks for the advice, ladies. I did already put the deposit down on the reception site and my fiance and I are on a budget so there will not be a tent.  Looks like I will just have to stick to my guns on this one and see how the first set of invitations comes back.  If there are enough regrets I may be able to invite from their list.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-woes-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b0b2c97-7a07-4f19-90ab-7d6eec1cd185Post:9340c5bb-0d32-44ea-a30c-c6fcf1416d1d">Re: Guest List Woes... What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the advice, ladies. I did already put the deposit down on the reception site and my fiance and I are on a budget so there will not be a tent.  Looks like I will just have to stick to my guns on this one and see how the first set of invitations comes back.  If there are enough regrets I may be able to invite from their list.
    Posted by kat5689[/QUOTE]
    This is not the way to do it.  This is the way to tell those guests that they aren't very important because they got a B list invitation.  This is rude.
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  • I agree with Andy.  Turning your FFIL's guest list into your B list is rude to those guests and disrespectful to your FFIL/FSMIL (since it sounds like you and FI didn't follow up with them to get the guest list).  You're going to have to look into ways of accommodating at least some of their guest list, either cutting some costs so you can have a larger tent or switching to a cocktail reception that takes less space.  But I think it's positively unfair to take their money and not invite any of their guests. 
  • I have invited 12 of their 20 requested guests
  • 12 of their 20 requested guests...and they're paying for half the wedding?  How many people are you inviting total?  And for these requested guests, is that AFTER family?  Because if it's not, you wronged them.  Big time.  And it's time to find a new venue and invited EVERYONE they wanted there.
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  • I think you need to open up your guest list and invite all 20.
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  • Wow. I did not realize that anyone paying for the wedding got to invite whoever they wanted. Definitely not happening at my wedding (whenever that may be :p). I wouldn't want people at my wedding that had no connection to me other than knowing my parents or my FI's parents. I want people there that I know.

    Everyone will probably say I'm in the wrong, but that's how it was for my sister's wedding and it wasn't even thought about twice.
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