FMIL Issues

specialk84

I'd like to preface this by saying my FI and I are not evil people.  We're actually very nice.

He and his mother are not close.  She has a reputation as being childish and selfish.  Her own sisters can't stand her, and her five children are still recovering from their abusive upbringing.  If we could get away with it, we would not even invite her to the wedding.

That said, my FI was raised primarily by his aunt, and he considers her WAY more motherly than his own.  His aunt and I get along fabulously, and we would love to have her help with the wedding.  Unfortunately, his mother will become extremely jealous and start all sorts of family drama.  Guaranteed.

What can we ask her to help with?  We don't necessarily want her to feel excluded, but we don't want her to ruin anything.  

Beachy730

Don't ask her to help with anything.  If she offers to help with something then you can choose to accept the offer or not.  But you shouldn't ask anyone to help you.

PsyDet 2155

Don't ask her to help.

Muffin'sMom

Don't ask...don't tell.

You don't have to ask her to do anything and you don't have to tell her what you are doing with anyone else.

squirrly

Ask who?  FMIL, or your FI's aunt?  I'd say the less contact you have with FMIL, the easier it will be to play off not asking her to be involved, if she thinks she should be.  Also, if the aunt is aware of FMIL's issues, she might very willingly keep her involvement quiet. 

In terms of asking, you can invite people to go dress shopping with you, ask for their advice when picking out invitations, flowers, venues, etc.  You can't demand their time, their labor, or their money, but you can certainly politely ask for their advice on most any subject. 

I'd say the item of concern is the RD.  If you are hosting it yourselves, it's doable, but if your FI's aunt wants to host, it might be tough to give her credit and keep FMIL from being pissed.  And if FMIL really wants to host it, then. . .  you'll have to decide if that's something you want to accept or not. 

If you're looking for something small she could help with, perhaps if you design the CPs, you could ask her to help you find the specific vases/candle holders/whatever you need?  Not buy, just advice on where to locate.  Is there anything she's good at?  You might be able to find something that fits her skills to ask about. 

sister2groom

What does your FI want her involvement to be like? "Abusive" is a term that's thrown around a lot, but if my mother actually abused me in the literal sense I would n't care what she thought about my wedding plans. Also, sounds like it's likely your FMIL will start drama no matter you do, so don't plan too much around her drama.

sb9411

Agree with PPs... don't ask her for anything, move along with what you want to do, and invite her :-)

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b33dd69-5396-4ba1-9080-5312121255f0Post:38a6bdd4-180b-4051-8ee7-0d38efedc1c1">Re: FMIL Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask who?  FMIL, or your FI's aunt?  I'd say the less contact you have with FMIL, the easier it will be to play off not asking her to be involved, if she thinks she should be.  Also, if the aunt is aware of FMIL's issues, she might very willingly keep her involvement quiet.  In terms of asking, you can invite people to go dress shopping with you, ask for their advice when picking out invitations, flowers, venues, etc.  <strong>You can't demand their time, their labor, or their money, but you can certainly politely ask for their advice on most any subject.</strong>  I'd say the item of concern is the RD.  If you are hosting it yourselves, it's doable, but if your FI's aunt wants to host, it might be tough to give her credit and keep FMIL from being pissed.  And if FMIL really wants to host it, then. . .  you'll have to decide if that's something you want to accept or not.  If you're looking for something small she could help with, perhaps if you design the CPs, you could ask her to help you find the specific vases/candle holders/whatever you need?  Not buy, just advice on where to locate.  Is there anything she's good at?  You might be able to find something that fits her skills to ask about. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I misspoke.  I am wondering how to involve my FMIL.  Of course I would never demand someone help me.  Her feelings will be hurt if she isn't consulted about anything.  Then again, her feelings will be hurt if she <strong>is</strong> consulted, then we don't choose what she liked best.</div><div>
</div><div>If I ask her to help me find a specific item, or if I even mention a specific item I am looking for, she will go to a thrift store and buy something that loosely resembles it.  As in, buying a beat-up plastic serving knife when I mention I'm looking for a cake knife.  This happened to my FSIL last summer.  </div><div>
</div><div>My parents are hosting and paying for everything: e-party, RD, ceremony, reception, etc.  My FI and I are buying his mother's dress (with her input, of course) so she doesn't show up in a dress better suited for a 20-year-old.</div><div>
</div>

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b33dd69-5396-4ba1-9080-5312121255f0Post:c37dea74-dd9c-4c52-83a6-40e834d22595">Re: FMIL Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]What does your FI want her involvement to be like? "Abusive" is a term that's thrown around a lot, but if my mother actually abused me in the literal sense I would n't care what she thought about my wedding plans. Also, sounds like it's likely your FMIL will start drama no matter you do, so don't plan too much around her drama.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

<div>I mean "abusive" in the literal sense, both through acts of outright neglect and by letting a physically abusive stepfather of theirs continue to abuse them.  </div><div>
</div><div>My FI acknowledges he has a limited relationship with her.  He is civil to her and much nicer than I would be in the same situation.  He is a very compassionate man, but realizes she will never be happy and will always find fault with something we do.  He once told me he doesn't want her to die alone, estranged from her entire family, so he spends some time with her.  All he asks is that I show her some level of respect when we're together.</div>

squirrly

Based on all of that. . . why on earth does she deserve to be involved?  I wouldn't involve her.  And I wouldn't listen to her drama.  I'd leave if she started something, or hang up if she commences yelling on the phone.  She hasn't earned the right to be in your lives in the role she apparently wants, and I wouldn't just give it to her BECAUSE.  I wouldn't be rude, but I wouldn't extend the request for help in the first place.

What is it, exactly, that you're concerned she'll do if she's not consulted?

cm42878

If you ask her to help you find a cake server and she brings back a beat up thrift store find say thank you and take it and go on. Get the server you wish and I guarantee you unless you wave it in front of her nose on your wedding day she will never notice the cake server you have.

My FMIL is a nice woman, kind of, well in her own way. SHe has such different ideas of how we should be doing our wedding. If she had it her way, I would buy a dress from a thrift store and the reception would be a potluck dinner courtesy of the guest. However I still call her and talk to her about the wedding and any ideas she give I take in stride. Maybe you could appease her, but dont ask her to help, if she asks then give her a job. Either way she will probably be upset, I figure my FMIL will be sad about something on our wedding day, dont let her ruin it for you!

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b33dd69-5396-4ba1-9080-5312121255f0Post:59fc6188-5c59-46ec-90f5-55445ab14dc5">Re: FMIL Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]tWhat is it, exactly, that you're concerned she'll do if she's not consulted?
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

<div>She has, on more than one occasion, displayed her displeasure at not being the center of attention by stomping her feet, crossing her arms and shouting, "Pay attention to me!"  The last time she did this, we were at a farmer's market with FI's aunt.  FMIL invited herself along, and was upset because his aunt and I were discussing a charity we were both interested in.  I looked up from my conversation with her sister, glared at her with my best "wtf is wrong with you" face, the immediately returned to my prior conversation.</div><div>
</div><div>My FI and I had a long talk today where we agreed to keep her in the dark about the overwhelming majority of the wedding plans.  She'll know the basics, like when and where.  He will make it abundantly clear that she is not to invite random people, and we will simply tell her that everything is being taken care of.  </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for your help!</div>

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b33dd69-5396-4ba1-9080-5312121255f0Post:994add56-c6af-430a-944b-26e9dee50d77">Re: FMIL Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Issues : She has, on more than one occasion, displayed her displeasure at not being the center of attention by stomping her feet, crossing her arms and shouting, "Pay attention to me!"  The last time she did this, we were at a farmer's market with FI's aunt.  FMIL invited herself along, and was upset because his aunt and I were discussing a charity we were both interested in.  I looked up from my conversation with her sister, glared at her with my best "wtf is wrong with you" face, the immediately returned to my prior conversation. My FI and I had a long talk today where we agreed to keep her in the dark about the overwhelming majority of the wedding plans.  She'll know the basics, like when and where.  He will make it abundantly clear that she is not to invite random people, and we will simply tell her that everything is being taken care of.   Thanks for your help!
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

<div>If she behaves this way at the wedding, she's the one who looks like an ass.  You said yourself that his family knows how she is, so they'll just ignore her.  If she actually makes a scene, you can have her escorted out.  </div><div>
</div><div>Just treat her like a regular guest.  Give polite but vague answers when she asks about details, and let her show up.  </div>