Compensating friends and family

nelodnewg

I'm studying to be a pastor, and as such I have a number of clergy friends who are very close (close enough to be included in the bridal party, if I had more room for bridesmaids). One friend in particular, I would love to do my ceremony, but I don't know how much is standard to pay a minister, especially if it's a friend. Should I outright ask her how much she would like for compensation, or is there some standard, unspoken rule about friends and family helping in the wedding? I'm facing a similar question with my brother and sister-in-law who are both church organists. I would love for one of them to play--it would be a wonderful way for them to be involved in the celebration. But I'm not sure if I should offer them the standard organist fee or at least part of it, or assume that they want to offer their gifts for free. Or again, should I just ask? It somehow feels tasteless for me to say "and by the way, how much money do you want for the gig?" But I want them to know that I value their contributions, too. Maybe I should give them a thank you gift? I'm kind of lost so any thoughts would be appreciated!

MattsPenguin

For the friend minister, I'd ask if she would like any compensation or perhaps an honorarium to the church (that is what our "minister fee" went towards).

We had my aunt play the organ (don't even remember if she suggested it or I asked), and I never even thought of paying her.  I gave her a thank you gift at the rehearsal dinner.  I think it might be different for friends vs. family.

Girlie1030

I agree with MP on friends vs. family.  My BIL officiated for us and we gave him a gift at the rehearsal.  Friends who offered their services we asked what they'd like to be compensated.  They said "dinner" of course, but we thought it best to ask. 

Summer2011Bride

I don't know if this is right or not, but for me personally, it would make a difference whether they offered their services or whether I asked/hired them. For example, a good friend of ours is a wonderful pianist. If she had said, "Hey, I don't mind playing piano at your wedding," I would take it as something she wants to do as a gift for us, and I would probably not pay her but give her a nice TY card and a small gift at the RD.

If I went up to her and said, "Would you be willing to play piano for us?" to me that seems more like I'm hiring her or asking her to provide her services, and unless she said, "Sure I'll do it no charge," I would probably want to pay her or ask what she normally is compensated (since she does usually charge for playing weddings).

jmy8489

A good friend of mine is acting as the photographer at our wedding (he is not a professional, but rather an amateur enthusiast). We're paying him in steak and whiskey

MattsPenguin

I was also thinking that it might depend on what these people do for their job.  I also had four friends play handbells (I asked them) during the service.  Since it's not like they do it professionally, I didn't ask them their fees.  And my aunt isn't an organist by trade (she's actually a judge).  I guess that's why I never thought to offer compensation.  However it was a friend/family that DJ-ed or was a florist or a photographer as a profession, I might do it differently.

nelodnewg

My brother is a professional church organist / graduate student in organ, and his wife is an organist by trade but currently a SAH mom. My friend is a seminary student, as am I. This is where it's blurry for me as well. They are all professionals, but also obviously my brother is a family member (and I would have done such things free at their wedding, had they not already had a million people to help). I'm not sure what the ettiquite is with a person who is a student and a really close friend. It's tricky, and we're on a really tight budget. I don't want to take advantage, but I would love to save if possible.

amyb140

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_compensating-friends-and-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0bc27ce0-20b2-4a67-a0e3-9805a532b44dPost:b0de379f-d7c8-4ae9-bb60-47b41802d58a">Re: Compensating friends and family</a>:
[QUOTE]I was also thinking that it might depend on what these people do for their job.  I also had four friends play handbells (I asked them) during the service.  Since it's not like they do it professionally, I didn't ask them their fees.  And my aunt isn't an organist by trade (she's actually a judge).  I guess that's why I never thought to offer compensation. <strong> However it was a friend/family that DJ-ed or was a florist or a photographer as a profession, I might do it differently.</strong>
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]
Yes, I was going to say pretty much exactly this.  I have sung in a number of weddings for friends/family, and I would never expect to be paid - but I'm not a professional.  I work at an opera company and have many friends who ARE professional singers (as in, this is the only way they earn income), and I would not expect someone in that situation to perform for free.  <div>
</div><div>ETA:  I think that if it's your own brother, however, that is probably different.  If I tried to pay my sister for doing something for my wedding she would have laughed.  The friend I still think I would ask though - she will most likely say no anyway.</div>

QueerFemme

We have a friend that is a professional fluatist.  She is playing for my walk down the aisle. I absolutely asked her what her standard fee was.  She responded that she didn't want us to pay anything, and that she was thrilled and honored to do it for us.  

I would never want to assume that someone who performs a service professionaly is going to perform the service for free, just because we are friends.  Ultimately, I think if you are very close, they will likely do it for free anyway, but for me, it was important to ask.  So, she knew that I never expected free services.

Lisa50

Just ask how much each person charges for their services.  You mentioned minister and organist.  Try this: "How much do you usually charge for a wedding?"  They'll likely tell you their usual charge and their "friends and family" charge.  If the "friends and family" charge is a lot less than their usual charge, be sure to tip generously.

bonge

I would ask them what they would like, if they say nothing i would still get them a gift card. We paid the church $200 & the organist/soloist 250 because she had to be there for the rehearsal too. 

julibug86

My future BIL's girlfriend just graduated and is a graphic designer.  She's designing our wedding invites for free, but we have told her to please not bring a gift and I do plan to get her a little something.  She is also trying to build up her portfolio, so it makes sense!  (Plus, FI's work is letting him print them there so all we are really paying for is paper!)