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Etiquette

How to say there is no "B" list? Do you say it?

I am in a bit of a jam right now we are booked for a venue that holds 175 comfortably and 205 max. Currently on our guest list includes 215 people of who 10 we know for most likely would not be coming and if they do they wouldn't break fire code since that is 225 for place.

My issue is not actually the number it's the fact that is my future in laws had a "B" list for their own daughters wedding and now they expect it for my wedding to their son. Well besides the fact that with our current numbers we are already needing 40 people to say no to be comfortable. We locked in the venue's rate by guaranteeing 150 and from what we can see we will get at least that many.

Anyway, to get back to my "B" list issue. My FI does agree with me that we can not have a "B" list, but he does not want to tell his parents right now that we won't be having a "B" list. Now I do not know if it is for fear that the fact that we won't have a list will upset them, or if it's something else.

The why is of no matter, it's that he says that if they ask about a "B" list after we order the invites we will tell them we are not having one. Well since it's never been addressed they are now assuming we are having one.

I know they are assuming this because whenever any guest who is on the guest list comes up his parents make mention of the fact that of if so and so doesn't come to your wedding on our "B" list we have so and so to take their place already in the wings.

I need to know the etiquette if there is any of how to address this with my future in laws or my groom. I do not want to order my invites with this non-existing "B" list still hanging out there.

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Re: How to say there is no "B" list? Do you say it?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-there-b-list-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c006e95-6b29-48aa-8093-3c8a024facedPost:2d8e1c68-8046-49c5-beba-4142f6ab9ea3">How to say there is no "B" list? Do you say it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am in a bit of a jam right now we are booked for a venue that holds 175 comfortably and 205 max. Currently on our guest list includes 215 people of who 10 we know for most likely would not be coming and if they do they wouldn't break fire code since that is 225 for place. My issue is not actually the number it's the fact that is my future in laws had a "B" list for their own daughters wedding and now they expect it for my wedding to their son. Well besides the fact that with our current numbers we are already needing 40 people to say no to be comfortable. We locked in the venue's rate by guaranteeing 150 and from what we can see we will get at least that many. Anyway, to get back to my "B" list issue. My FI does agree with me that we can not have a "B" list, but he does not want to tell his parents right now that we won't be having a "B" list. Now I do not know if it is for fear that the fact that we won't have a list will upset them, or if it's something else. The why is of no matter, it's that he says that if they ask about a "B" list after we order the invites we will tell them we are not having one. Well since it's never been addressed they are now assuming we are having one. I know they are assuming this because whenever any guest who is on the guest list comes up his parents make mention of the fact that of if so and so doesn't come to your wedding on our "B" list we have so and so to take their place already in the wings. I need to know the etiquette if there is any of how to address this with my future in laws or my groom. I do not want to order my invites with this non-existing "B" list still hanging out there.
    Posted by HoneyBunny678[/QUOTE]

    Problem #1 your guest list is already too large
    Just tell everyone that the guest list is final.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • I don't understand why this is an issue? If your in-laws ask, just simply smile and say, "We have been lucky enough to invite everyone we wanted to invite. Another round of invitations will not be necessary."

    You're creating unneccesary drama by worrying about something that you shouldn't be worrying about. Relax and enjoy getting married.
    image

    -- Thoughts become things, choose the good ones! --

  • B lists are horrible. It amazes me that your FMIL would even tell anyone that if they don't come, they have someone waiting in the wings. There is no etiquette on telling her that there is no B list. Just tell her straight up, we're not having a B list because its rude to tell someone well you can come if so and so doesn't come.
  • Well you don't have to say anything to them about a B list until or unless they ask about it.  Right now it sounds like you're both just assuming they expect one, but you don't even know that for sure.

    If they ask about a B list, just explain that you're already 40 people over capacity so before you can even consider a B list, you'll have to wait for 40 people to decline the invitation.  Then you wait to see how many declines you get.  If you only get enough to meet the venue capacity, well there you go, no room for B list. 

    It's a matter of room capacity, not your willingness or budget, so they have to just deal with it.
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  • I have a "B list" of about 10 people.  I'm not picking a bunch of extra random people to come if the people I want can't make it, that's silly.  And for you, it sounds like you need at least 40 people to decline to even have use for a B-list.

    Your FILs are crazy, if they keep bringing it up just tell them "We're planning on sending invitations to all the people we want at our wedding" and change the subject.

    There are a number of reasons for you to order extra invites anyway though.
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    murrayed
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-there-b-list-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c006e95-6b29-48aa-8093-3c8a024facedPost:2d8e1c68-8046-49c5-beba-4142f6ab9ea3">How to say there is no "B" list? Do you say it?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I know they are assuming this because whenever any guest who is on the guest list comes up his parents make mention of the fact that of if so and so doesn't come to your wedding on our "B" list we have so and so to take their place already in the wings. I need to know the etiquette if there is any of how to address this with my future in laws or my groom. I do not want to order my invites with this non-existing "B" list still hanging out there.
    Posted by HoneyBunny678[/QUOTE]
    Ditto B.<div>
    </div><div>And you do need to nip this in the bud.</div><div>(hah.  I oringinally typed "You need to dip this in the bud."  :)  )</div>
  • Just don't mention it and whenever FIL's bring it up, change the subject. It's bad etiquette and if you're guests find out it's going to reflect badly on you. Just pretend it doesn't exist, because it doesn't.
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  • Are you saying that they already have a b-list that they will want to invite if the A-list doesn't show up?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-there-b-list-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c006e95-6b29-48aa-8093-3c8a024facedPost:c261d8c8-8b59-4e47-bfee-766cd84089e6">Re: How to say there is no "B" list? Do you say it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you saying that they already have a b-list that they will want to invite if the A-list doesn't show up?
    Posted by ZRex[/QUOTE]

    That's what I got out of it...like FMIL already made the B List and we know it's going to come up, so how to we tell her just to tear it up cause she's not getting to invite these B people no matter what? 
  • Well, YOU are the one mailing the invites, correct? So if your FMIL mentions, "Well, if they Joneses say no, send an invite to the Johnsons," just tell her, "Sorry, we won't be sending a second round of invitations." You may want to tell her that the guest list is final, or that she only gets x number of invites and to use them wisely.
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  • It sounds like your FMIL is making up her B list on the fly.  If she has a guest list "in the wings" but hasn't shown it to  you, that's a problem.... especially if you are already over.  I think your FI & FMIL should have a chat... you need to have any list she has, you don't have to use it, but you wouldn't be lying to assure her "we'll keep these in mind" if the final counts allow it.  She may think that without it, you'll have lots of extra seats when the declines come in... ya'll need to be on the same page, I think.  Since you've not ordered your invites yet, I'd recommend having the chat w/ FMIL, getting a handle on the guest list (don't invite more than you are comfortable with), and then order invites... .A "B" list is a good idea, but not necessary...and no reason you have to use it.  It's more for the case where you only have seats for 80 people but  you want to invite 100; so there are 80 on your A list & if 20 decline, then yay! you can invite the entire B list, too. 

    As far as etiquette... If the FILs are paying for some of the wedding, they should have some (like a little) say in the guest list, but not to the point where they have thier own list that they are going to bring up to cause trouble down the road.  Also, I'd hope she hasn't been telling people that they are ON the B list...that's a big etiquette no-no.  I'm afraid that if you don't address this now, it could become a big drama thing as te wedding gets closer & FMIL thinks that she can direct this part of the wedding.  Good luck!!
  • I don't like B lists. It just looks like gift-grabbing, or filling in gaps of people you hoped would attend. I've been invited to weddings (coworkers or older friends) with little notice. The worst was a guy who invited me to a wedding in India on three weeks' notice! I ignored it at first, then chose to be polite enough to respond by saying "congratulations, but I will not be able to attend." I didn't send a gift. I haven't heard from him since.
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