Already having issues with my mother

maeinred

Hey everyone! I'm new here and this is my first post. I've been reading along periodically but decided to post because I really need some advice! I'm only a couple weeks into wedding planning and there's already drama with my mother.

I've been engaged for about 4 weeks now and am in the process of booking a venue and coming up with a guest list. My FI and I live out of town so my family has been helping me to look at venues, which of course I appreciate immensely. After seeing pictures of the places they'd been to and looking at websites, my FI and I decided on a venue and have told my parents that we would like to book it. We're looking at a September 2011 wedding. Well, my mother says that she wants to look at a few more places first and then we can book it. I ended up "winning" this argument and have secured our desired venue for the date we wanted and have a contract in hand.

Other than that, though, my mother has been fighting me every step of the way! First it was that I was "going overboard" by having 5 bridesmaids. This weekend, my family and FI and I were all together and she took it upon herself to inform my brother that he would be in the wedding (FI and I were planning on including him, but we hadn't yet talked to him). Then, we were talking about the flower girl and when I told her who I was planning to ask, she threw a fit because it wasn't who she thought it should be and she said that I needed to discus these things with her - she is paying for the wedding after all!

Last night, we were discussing the guest list (we've already agreed upon a set number) and she told me that her and my father had come up with a list of 25 couples that they wanted to invite! When I told her that that would likely put us way over our set number, she said that we would just have to compromise since she was sure that I was inviting people that didn't need to be invited. And then she fought me on children coming to the wedding, saying that if I wanted children there, then I could pay for them because she thought it was ridiculous that couples couldn't find babysitters for their children for a night. Keep in mind that my FI is in the military and many of our friends are in the military and are stationed out of town with no family locally to watch kids for a weekend so the parents can travel to our wedding. I have no problem with having children at the wedding.

Anyway, I am trying to be respectful of my parents since they are paying for a big portion of the wedding (maybe 2/3), while at the same time asserting that this is mine and FI's wedding and there are certain things that we want.

Please help!

baystateapple

Unfortunately, money = strings.  If you want total control over your guest list, you and FI need to pay for the wedding yourselves.

I do agree she's being ridiculous about naming members of your wedding party, though.  Money or not, she shouldn't have a say in that.

mypalbabs

By allowing your parents to pay, you've given up significant creative control.  Either get used to that, or start saving up some money to pay yourself.  (By the way, I highly recommend the latter.)

TheCranberry

This really sucks, OP, but the other PP's are correct.  With money comes strings.  Do you think if you talked to your mom and reminded her that it's your and FI's wedding that she would back down?  If not, then I agree that the best course would be to save up and pay for it yourself.  This kind of thing would drive me crazy!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-having-issues-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ca10ee1-b7fb-4f38-8e6a-f068cff7ec0dPost:4d57169f-8db7-4cdd-bfa1-f9da3d9c2c4a">Already having issues with my mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone! I'm new here and this is my first post. I've been reading along periodically but decided to post because I really need some advice! I'm only a couple weeks into wedding planning and there's already drama with my mother. I've been engaged for about 4 weeks now and am in the process of booking a venue and coming up with a guest list. My FI and I live out of town so my family has been helping me to look at venues, which of course I appreciate immensely. After seeing pictures of the places they'd been to and looking at websites, my FI and I decided on a venue and have told my parents that we would like to book it. We're looking at a September 2011 wedding. Well, my mother says that she wants to look at a few more places first and then we can book it. I ended up "winning" this argument and have secured our desired venue for the date we wanted and have a contract in hand. Other than that, though, my mother has been fighting me every step of the way! First it was that I was "going overboard" by having 5 bridesmaids. This weekend, my family and FI and I were all together and she took it upon herself to inform my brother that he would be in the wedding (FI and I were planning on including him, but we hadn't yet talked to him). Then, we were talking about the flower girl and when I told her who I was planning to ask, she threw a fit because it wasn't who she thought it should be and she said that I needed to discus these things with her - she is paying for the wedding after all! Last night, we were discussing the guest list (we've already agreed upon a set number) and she told me that her and my father had come up with a list of 25 couples that they wanted to invite! When I told her that that would likely put us way over our set number, she said that we would just have to compromise since she was sure that I was inviting people that didn't need to be invited. And then she fought me on children coming to the wedding, saying that if I wanted children there, then I could pay for them because she thought it was ridiculous that couples couldn't find babysitters for their children for a night. Keep in mind that my FI is in the military and many of our friends are in the military and are stationed out of town with no family locally to watch kids for a weekend so the parents can travel to our wedding. I have no problem with having children at the wedding. Anyway, I am trying to be respectful of my parents since they are paying for a big portion of the wedding (maybe 2/3), while at the same time asserting that this is mine and FI's wedding and there are certain things that we want. Please help!
Posted by maeinred[/QUOTE]

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-having-issues-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ca10ee1-b7fb-4f38-8e6a-f068cff7ec0dPost:ee1ca2bd-1e06-4021-b699-35344a038726">Re: Already having issues with my mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately, money = strings.  If you want total control over your guest list, you and FI need to pay for the wedding yourselves. I do agree she's being ridiculous about naming members of your wedding party, though.  Money or not, she shouldn't have a say in that.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

And ditto Banana as well.  Call her bluff.

squirrly

If she pays, it's her party.  It'd be awesome if she let you plan it, but it sounds like you get the same wedding my mother did - she got to pick the groom, and nothing else.  Not her bridesmaids, not her flowers, not her dress, not the location.  Nothing but my father.  If that's NOT what you want, turn down the money, and pay for it yourself.  Period. 

No, really.

There's nothing you can do or say to FORCE her to let you plan your own wedding and her handover the check book.  So, either go through this one battle at a time, and be miserable, or decline it and start saving. 

sister2groom

Look at it from their perspective, you insisted on a certain venue although it wouldn't fit certain people they wanted to  invite and pay for. I agree picking your BP is ridiculous, but I would be a little more sympathetic if you had let your mom at least look around at other venues. She might have found one that would have made you both happy (larger capacity for her, similar look to please you).

jessienjeremy

I agree with PP.. I think you should tell her thanks but no thanks. This is about you and your FI not about her backing you into a corner bc they are paying. FI's parents and my parents are paying for our wedding and we have complete control.  We were able to choose everything. Of course I asked their opinion and advice but in the end we made the decisions. I know that that situation is rare. But if she were to use it against me I would say thanks but nevermind and figure out what type of wedding I could afford and have it.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_already-having-issues-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ca10ee1-b7fb-4f38-8e6a-f068cff7ec0dPost:48623bd1-797a-40ff-9e07-20c824569180">Re: Already having issues with my mother</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd begin to call her bluff as PPs said. "Mom, I want to thank you for what you're doing but I can't accept your gift of paying for the wedding with all these strings attached.  DH and I are going to decline your offer and we'll plan the wedding that best fits our budget."
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I second this idea