2 invitation-related questions

AJuliaNJ

1. If you know for a fact that someone can't make it, do you still send an invite to the wedding? to the shower? My friend lives out of town and is having her baby shower the same day as my shower and is due with her baby around the time of my wedding. She is definitely, 100% not coming. I have no issues with sending her a wedding invite, and providing her address to the shower hosts, but I'm worried that it might be rude to inundate her with invitations to things she can't attend. Or that it might look like I didn't listen to her when she told me she can't come.
2. My mother and bridal party are throwing me a shower in my NJ hometown, which is also near where our wedding will be. My FMIL is throwing me a shower in FI's hometown in northwestern NY (also where we currently live). I used to live in OH, which is an equal distance between the two. Both are asking me for guest lists. How do I handle the OH friends? Should I put them on both lists and give them a heads up that if they are able to attend a shower, they have their choice? Should I call ahead of time and ask them which one they'd prefer an invite to?

Thanks, everyone! I just want to do the right things there.

[Deleted User]

1. I would still send her an invite to the wedding. If I were in her situation, I would think it was rude of you not to - even though you know I wouldn't be able to make it. As for the shower, I might not invite her to that, because showers are, IMO, typically more about the gifts.

2. I'd give your OH friends a heads up, and if they say for sure they can't make it to one or the other because they have plans that day, don't sent them an invite to that one.

But, I'm definitely no etiquette expert. Just what I would do.

AddieCake

1. Yes,you should still invite her to the wedding. She is your friend and would feel slighted if you didn't at least send an invitation. One of my husband's best friends was getting married the same day as us in other state. We still sent them an invitation and they sent one us as well. As for the shower, I probably wouldn't send her an invitation to that. Instead, I would send her at least a card for the baby shower to let you know you are thinking of HER on that day. 

2. I never have good advice on these multiple shower, multiple state, overlapping guest list situations. 

furmur12

I agree-- send invitations to those out of town or that cannot make it.  i live away from my hometown and sitll love getting invitations to showers even though i cannot attend. i still like to know when it's happening and i send a gift... i would choose one and just invite them to it knowing they will not be coming...   still send the invite to your friend that you know cannot come... she should experience receivning the invitation and she will probably send you a gift!! 

strlzfan11

1) Send her an invitation for the wedding, but maybe include a note saying you know she probably won't be able to make it, but that you are thinking of her.

2) How close are you to the OH friends?  Showers should really only be your nearest and dearest.  Ask each host how many they can afford to accommodate and go from there.  Unless these friends were my BFFs or in the BP, I would probably not invite them to an out-of-state shower.

Blue & White

I'm usually not invited to out of state showers.  I know that's not the norm in all circles, but that's what I've seen.

I was invited to a baby shower in Alabama (when I lived in PA) and side eyed it majorly as I'm not even friends with the girl.  So it will also depend on how close these friends are too.

MayberryAfterMidnight

As PP have said, definitely still send her an invite to the wedding. I'm having an out of state wedding with mostly just family. We are inviting a handful of friends, all of whom are either couples or who know at least a few other guests. The one exception is a former co-worker who I'm still very good friends with. She and I both know the wedding is 7 hours away and that she won't know anybody there but me (she barely knows my fiance). It's likely she won't come, but I still want to show her how much her friendship means to me by inviting her. I'm not having a bridal shower, but frankly, to me, they seem mostly about receiving gifts. So sending a shower invite to someone you know will not be able to attend sort of seems like you're just asking for a gift! That's just me, though. Only you can tell what your friendship is like and how your friend might take it. Good luck!

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-invitation-related-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb66939-f863-410f-86c3-e31b68fdd66ePost:eb0a8c1e-a033-42a4-9d78-4528aeea8189">Re: 2 invitation-related questions</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm usually not invited to out of state showers.  I know that's not the norm in all circles, but that's what I've seen. I was invited to a baby shower in Alabama (when I lived in PA) and side eyed it majorly as I'm not even friends with the girl.  So it will also depend on how close these friends are too.
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

We're close and make a few trips a year to see each other. I left anyone that was out of town that I really didn't know well off the lists entirely.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-invitation-related-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb66939-f863-410f-86c3-e31b68fdd66ePost:a36bee68-fb00-4538-8d12-ebd08b8d4546">Re: 2 invitation-related questions</a>:
[QUOTE] So sending a shower invite to someone you know will not be able to attend sort of seems like you're just asking for a gift! That's just me, though. Only you can tell what your friendship is like and how your friend might take it. Good luck!
Posted by MayberryAfterMidnight[/QUOTE]

Ugh! This is what I was worried about. I will send her a wedding invite and skip the shower invite.

PP's, I did plan on sending her a gift. Of course!

Kate61487

For the Ohio friends - definitely first check with your hosts.  One may be more able to accomodate them than the other.  If both are indicating you can invite as many people as you want then I'd see if the girls have a preference for location / date and invite them accordingly.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-invitation-related-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb66939-f863-410f-86c3-e31b68fdd66ePost:a41b1138-38ce-4f04-b55d-a3fef9c22d9c">Re: 2 invitation-related questions</a>:
[QUOTE]For the Ohio friends - definitely first check with your hosts.  One may be more able to accomodate them than the other.  If both are indicating you can invite as many people as you want then I'd see if the girls have a preference for location / date and invite them accordingly.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Okay, I'll contact them ahead of time and if they show interest in attending but don't know which date, I'll let them know 2 invites are coming.

Both hosts can accommodate more. Because there are 2 showers and we have friends all over the country (keep in mind we are not inviting ALL out of town guests, just close friends), both are actually below the minimum count for a party at their respective locations.

Actually, I better contact them no matter what because my FMIL's shower invites are going out this week, and my mother/BP haven't started the invitation process at all. I'd hate for them to RSVP to my FMIL and then decide they'd prefer to go to my mom's/BP's when it arrives a few weeks later.