Unwanted guests

CE0323

I have a friend I want to invite....she has a live in boyfriend that is abusive and doesn't discriminate on who he's abusive to...meaning I saw him abuse another woman he had just met...soooo, how do I invite her and not him??? Ive been able to avoid him by not going where i know he will be.. The girl he abused at the party is part of my wedding. And I don't want him there at all...but my friends are telling me I have to invite them both.

vanityink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-guests-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ceff798-0af7-436a-9102-06035f583179Post:a25f4afe-131b-4777-b962-21af66afec13">Unwanted guests</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend I want to invite....she has a live in boyfriend that is abusive and doesn't discriminate on who he's abusive to...meaning I saw him abuse another woman he had just met...soooo, how do I invite her and not him??? Ive been able to avoid him by not going where i know he will be.. The girl he abused at the party is part of my wedding. And I don't want him there at all...but my friends are telling me I have to invite them both.
Posted by CE0323[/QUOTE]

You do, sadly. Serious relationship=one social unit. You have to either invite him, or not invite her.

s-aries8990

Ummmm you can't. You do have to invite them both. Did he like hit this woman who's in the WP?

Will there be security at your wedding? A few brothers who can kick him out if the need arises?

Why don't you take your friend out for coffee and talk to her about how her realtionship with the BF is concerning because of his abuse, not that you don't want him at your wedding.

daveANDkristen

IMO if he has been physically abusive to one of your guests you have reason to not invite him.  However, you should keep in mind that if he is angry about being excluded he may take it out on her. 

misshart00

In Response to Re:Unwanted guests:[QUOTE]IMO if he has been physically abusive to one of your guests you have reason to not invite him.nbsp; However, you should keep in mind that if he is angry about being excluded he may take it out on her.nbsp; Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

This. Abusers often try to isolate their victims, and not inviting him would probably add to that.

I agree with PP who said to take her to coffee and talk to her. Don't even bring up your wedding.

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-guests-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ceff798-0af7-436a-9102-06035f583179Post:f349c9a2-3f0a-4565-a46c-c81337e4db2f">Re: Unwanted guests</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO if he has been physically abusive to one of your guests you have reason to not invite him.  However, you should keep in mind that if he is angry about being excluded he may take it out on her. 
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

As a woman who was trapped in a physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship for 16 years, I honestly think you have a bigger responsiblility on your hands.  If this woman is your friend, you should be worried about the well-being of your friend and try to help her get OUT of that relationship, and NOT be worried about your wedding guest list. 

lyndausvi

Abusive  how?    Does he go around throwing punches?  Or is he just a verbal ass?     Not hat verbal abusivnes is acceptable, but I might still invite him with the understanding that he will be kicked out for being an ass.   

Going around throwing punches, well  I would just not invite either one and tell the friend she is not invited because of him.

artbyallie

If you invite her alone, odds are he won't let her go or will come anyway. And besides, as everyone has already said, you do have to invite him if you invite her.

CE0323

Thanks...we have all said something to her about his tendencies....he's such a loser...anyway...I'll invite her and see what happens.

allychase

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-guests-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ceff798-0af7-436a-9102-06035f583179Post:a7a50038-f65c-41ed-91f0-c0803125fc4d">Re:Unwanted guests</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks...we have all said something to her about his tendencies....he's such a loser...anyway...I'll invite her and see what happens.
Posted by CE0323[/QUOTE]

<div>Wait so how is he abusive? You didn't answer. To me that dictates a response.</div><div>
</div><div>It's not fair for PP to say he might take it out on her if you don't invite him. She is choosing to stay with this man, you can choose not to invite a violent @sshole to your wedding. It sounds horrible but I'm sure he'll find something to take out on her regardless of whether or not he's invited to your wedding. Don't play into the demands of her abusive bf just to follow blanket etiquette rules when your day will go a lot better without him. </div><div>
</div><div>To me, etiquette applies to normal, law abiding, good people. The moment you're talking abusive, psycho, criminal jerk offs I could care less about etiquette rules. You have every right not to wine and dine these people on your dime and have them share your wedding day with you. Sometimes common sense wins over what's written in an etiquette book. </div><div>
</div>

CE0323

He threw something at the girl and hit her in the face...then said he should have thrown it harder... He does this a lot apparently... I don't like him....I'm having a hard time with this. I want her there, but the thought of him being there makes my stomach turn. I honestly think I'm going to have to talk to her privately on this. If I lose a friend, then I guess that's what it will be.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-guests-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ceff798-0af7-436a-9102-06035f583179Post:d27b951b-e53a-4f51-b583-ead1139c3e12">Re:Unwanted guests</a>:
[QUOTE]He threw something at the girl and hit her in the face...then said he should have thrown it harder... He does this a lot apparently... I don't like him....I'm having a hard time with this. I want her there, but the thought of him being there makes my stomach turn. I honestly think I'm going to have to talk to her privately on this. If I lose a friend, then I guess that's what it will be.
Posted by CE0323[/QUOTE]

No, do not invite him.

If he was just an verbal ass, then I would say suck it up.  Physical?  Hell no.

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-guests-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0ceff798-0af7-436a-9102-06035f583179Post:d27b951b-e53a-4f51-b583-ead1139c3e12">Re:Unwanted guests</a>:
[QUOTE]He threw something at the girl and hit her in the face...then said he should have thrown it harder... He does this a lot apparently... I don't like him....I'm having a hard time with this. I want her there, but the thought of him being there makes my stomach turn. I honestly think I'm going to have to talk to her privately on this. If I lose a friend, then I guess that's what it will be.
Posted by CE0323[/QUOTE]

I would definately talk to her privately.  Definately do not talk about your wedding, and just talk to her as a friend who needs help.  Who cares about your wedding when you have a friend in this sort of situation.  What if, God forbid, you don't try to do anything, and he snaps, but this time with a gun.  I bet you would feel pretty crappy if you had a chance to try to help get her out, and all you thought about was YOUR wedding, YOUR guest list and that was all you talked to her about. 

NariaD

I agree with everyone who says you have no responsibility to invite him to the wedding. But I do agree that it could make her situation worse. 

Unfortunately she won't leave until she is ready to leave the relationship, no matter how many people try to tell her that it's a bad idea. I work in community mental health- I see this on a daily basis. 

allychase

Have you considered police involvement? What happened when this guy threw something at this girl's face? That's kind of not legal...

Jen4948

I think physical violence is one of the few instances that allows you to not invite both members of a couple.

But I also agree that in regards to this particular friend, I'd drop the wedding talk for now in favor of trying to help her get ready to leave this relationship if and when she realizes that it's not healthy for her to stay.  Don't talk to her, but be prepared to listen and offer concrete assistance when she indicates she's ready for it.