Mom not involved

Starqueg

Hi.  I'm recently engaged and just starting to do the very beginning of my planning.  My biggest issus is that my mother is estranged from the family (her choice).  She lives in another country and as far as I know, she won't be coming back for my wedding or to participate in any of the planning.  I'm disappointed, of course, but am more wondering how to handle things like invitations and just all the questions that I expect to get.  I dread going to look at wedding dresses and being asked about my mom, since it seems to be a given that moms help pick the dress.  I'm worried that her absense will put a damper on my happiness each step of the way.  I know that only I can control my emotions and reactions to these questions, but I'm hoping that someone else will have dealt with something like this and have some advice for me.

Rachel

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I actually haven't had anyone ask me that. FWIW, my mom wishes she was involved, but she lives out of state and is not paying for my wedding.

We did not put our parents' names on the invitations. That's actually fairly common nowadays.

When you go dress shopping, it's not unusual to take your MOH or a few friends/BMs. If anyone asks about your mother, you can say that you wish she was there, but she lives out of the country, so obviously she can't help.

Every vendor meeting I've been to I've gone with my FI, not my mother. With couples paying for their own weddings, I think that's pretty much expected these days.

squirrly

The only vendor I dealt with that was pushy about my mom was our cake baker.  Great cake, strange lady.  She DEMANDED mom's phone number so that she could contact her if I wasn't available. 

Other than that, I didn't have any situations that would be uncomfortable if I were in your shoes, I don't believe.  Somebody might ask "will your mother be joining us?" or something similar, and you can just say "no."  Lengthy explanations aren't required.

Lapontoona6

Do you have any other close female relatives or friends that are going to be helping you?  I imagine that it's going to be difficult but remember just because someone asks about your mother or mentions her absence, you do not need to go into all the gritty details.  just say something as simple as she's out of the country.  Rely and lean on all the postive people you have in your life and if you're close with her talk to your FMIL - mine is wonderful and is so excited that I'm including her in dress shopping with me - I'm sure you'll find that you can do that with yours too.

PharmacyBride

Who stepped in for you when your mom left.  My dad lost his parents in HS and I know he had a few loving people stepped in to serve as mentor and such.  This is a good opportunity to honnor an aunt or older sister (or whoever).  Look at the joy of your relationships with them.

If not.. take your friends and have fun.

I am sorry about your mom.. but I am sure you have had a lot of joy in your life.  Focus on that!

pinkpinot

I went dress shopping without my mom and it was fine, nobody asked me why.  I don't think the bridal salon will care who you do & don't bring with you.

andy71781

I'm sorry about your mom.  I think as long as you have good support from other family members, friends or internet strangers (who will give you advice - a lot of it) you'll be ok.  FWIW my mom didn't go with me to any appointments. 

Celles

For what it's worth, when I went dress shopping with my best friend, no one asked me where my mom was or assumed that she didn't love me because she wasn't fluffing my tulle. 

I know it sucks to be distanced from for your mother, especially at a time when you can't help but wish she was around to share in your joy.  I'm sorry.    But I honestly don't think you need to worry about being questioned or judged by other people.  It's just something you need to come to terms with on your own.  I really recommend leaning on your friends; instead of fretting that your mom isn't around to tell you that dress makes your ass look fat, ask your best friend to do it.   You may be sad from time to time, but if you don't let yourself become too preoccupied with how you think things SHOULD be and allow yourself to enjoy how they ARE, you'll be fine.

Good luck, and congrats on your recent engagement.

pinkpinot

"Fluffing my tulle" sounds dirty. 

Beachy730

Sorry to hear about it.  Fortunately for me my mom was great, and she actually did go with me to a lot of appointments that were during the week since H and I lived over 2 hours apart before we got married.  So i honestly have no experience if people would ask where she was.  Honestly, most people never asked if my H was joining us at the meetings, and obviously there was a FI involved. 

The PPs had good suggestions.  By saying she's out of the country though that might lead to more questions like, will she be home for the wedding, will she want to see the dress first, etc.  I don't know how easy it would be for you, but you might be better off saying "she's really not in the picture."  That way people will not be inclined to ask you any other questions about her and make you feel worse.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d64a095-e748-4f5e-a4a6-5ba0710edff9Post:c0e7ae0f-17cd-41e7-b440-39d627d84a9e">Mom not involved</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi.  I'm recently engaged and just starting to do the very beginning of my planning.  My biggest issus is that my mother is estranged from the family (her choice).  She lives in another country and as far as I know, she won't be coming back for my wedding or to participate in any of the planning.  I'm disappointed, of course, but am more wondering how to handle things like invitations and just all the questions that I expect to get.  I dread going to look at wedding dresses and being asked about my mom, since it seems to be a given that moms help pick the dress.  I'm worried that her absense will put a damper on my happiness each step of the way.  I know that only I can control my emotions and reactions to these questions, but I'm hoping that someone else will have dealt with something like this and have some advice for me. Rachel
Posted by Starqueg[/QUOTE]

You do not need your mother to help with planning or go dress shopping with you. 

I went dress shopping WITHOUT my mom.  My mom lives an hour away and I didn't want to plan around her schedule and have to postpone dress shopping for months when I wanted to go now. 

Also, my mom was not interested in dress shopping.  I know she is tom boyish and not girly and really wouldn't have much input in the dress.  I literally went dress shopping by myself and didn't take anyone out to see the dress until after I had already found it. 

No one was there when I discovered my dream dress.  It was just me and the shop lady.  I later came back to show my mother in law, and then another time went back with a bm, and eventually showed my mom too. 

But the intial searching and finding "the dress" I did all alone.  You do not need a mother to go shopping or wedding planning.  You don't need to be sad over this.  You should be happy that you are engaged and about to get married.

Have your FI help you with wedding planning or invitations etc.  He is also getting married, therefore he can help you.

With invitations, you could always be the one to send them out.  It doesn't have to be your parents.  You can say "Sally and Michael request the honor etc etc..

That is pretty common now a days and if you go speak to your stationary lady when you find one, she will tell you that and help you out with everything. Your venders are your best resources if you have those kinds of questions.  You do not need a mother there for you to get through this. 

Starqueg

Thanks ladies.  I know that I'm probably making too big a deal out of this, so thanks for reminding me of that.  Does anyone watch "Say Yes to the Dress"?  The few times a bride on that show has gone in without a mom, they made such a big deal out of it.  The girls are crying cause they just can't do it without their mom.  They did an entire episode of brides without their mother's there.  I think that's where this fear came from.  I was afraid that every shop would be like that and this huge deal would be made about her absense. 

I plan on taking my dad, future MIL, and a good friend or two with me when I do go shopping.  My friends are great and so is the rest of my family and my future in-laws.  I don't lack people who want to be involved.

Thanks again.

Rachel

pinkpinot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d64a095-e748-4f5e-a4a6-5ba0710edff9Post:2ce9b8d6-06b5-4b3a-b125-7398278bd68d">Re: Mom not involved</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies.  I know that I'm probably making too big a deal out of this, so thanks for reminding me of that.  Does anyone watch "Say Yes to the Dress"?  The few times a bride on that show has gone in without a mom, they made such a big deal out of it.  The girls are crying cause they just can't do it without their mom.  They did an entire episode of brides without their mother's there.  I think that's where this fear came from.  I was afraid that every shop would be like that and this huge deal would be made about her absense.  I plan on taking my dad, future MIL, and a good friend or two with me when I do go shopping.  My friends are great and so is the rest of my family and my future in-laws.  I don't lack people who want to be involved. Thanks again. Rachel
Posted by Starqueg[/QUOTE]

Yes I have watched that show and I actually purchased my wedding dress from Kleinfeld's where the show is taped.  Nobody at the store made any negative comments about me dress shopping without my mom.  You really have nothing to worry about! 

awick14

If you have some family that is going to be going with you then think of the love and affection that they are giving you. You are a very specail lady if your dad is willing to go into that store with you. My dad is very old fashioned and he would never set foot in a wedding dress shop if his life dependad on it. lol.

I have watched "say yes to the dress" and they make every thing seem more dramatic then it needs to be. I know some brides cry and such when they find there dress but still its to much.

Congrats on your engagment and I hope you enjoy every step of wedding planning!

noodle_oo

Yeah, Say Yes to the Dres is far from reality.  You might want to stop watching it.

Don't worry about needing your mom in order to deal with vendors.  My parents live in FL and truthfully, both mine and FIs parents have never approved of our relationship (interracial thing).  So they were not involved.  We are planning and paying for our wedding ourselves.  We met with all our vendors just us and no one made any comments about needing our paernts.  I took my MOH dress shopping with me and again it was not a problem.  No one ever asked where my mom was.  I think they will treat you fine.  Afterall, they want your business and if you dno't mention your mom, they probably won't either.

Just be confident and if anyone does ask, just say she's either not involved or just doesn't live nearby (both are true) and brush it off.  If you don't make a big deal out of it, neither will they.

pirategal03

I haven't had anyone say anything about my mom not being part of things. 

As far as invitations, you can find a wording that doesn't draw attention to your circumstances if you'd like.  Lots of people here will help you with that.

chrissyjake

My mom is not really a part of my life as well.  She said that she will come to the wedding but I won't be having her introduced or anything as the mother of the bride.  Everyone in my life knows that she was never around and I was raised by my dad.  As soon as we got engaged, FMIL offered to go with me, so did an Aunt and my MOH.  Before all of that I asked my dad to be there. 
I bet you will be surprised at how many people in your life want to be part of it and no one will even care that she isn't there.