Families live far- considering doing a second reception

poplocknndropit

Okay here's the deal. My fiance's family lives in OKC mainly- but are spread around quite a bit. My entire family is in northern wyoming- montana area. I want to be able to celebrate with both families but think it would be better to have my main wedding with my family and the second ceremony with his family. I'm just lost as to what to do because there are so much more options for my wedding in okc versus up here. What do you think?

AddieCake

If you do a second ceremony, it would be a vow renewal, which most people side-eye so close to the wedding. It's something that should be saved for an anniversary. People travel to weddings all the time. You can't please everyone.

lauralaur

I would have the wedding and reception wherever is preferable to you, but I would skip a second reception or ceremony or anything of that sort. You could however, travel with your fi after the wedding to whichever location the wedding will not be in to visit with friends and family who were not able to make the wedding.

mlg78

I hate to say this but I would have the wedding with the family who is less likely to be able to afford to travel.  Otherwise you're merely throwing a party at the other location -- no ceremony/"reception".

brielleinlove

My family and FI's family is spread out, too.  We are getting married in DC, which is fairly equidistant for both of them, and whoever wants to come can come.  

I have two brothers and if a FSIL of mine were to send me an invitation to a party for my brother's side of the family that took place after the wedding, but not the actual wedding, I'd be beyond sad and offended, and wondering why I wasn't good enough to go to the wedding.  Please include his family in the event rather than throwing a do-over afterward.  Besides being a flagrant etiquette violation to have a wedding and then a vow renewal so close to one another, this would be a fast way to get on FI's family's bad side.

Edited for clarity

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_families-live-far-considering-doing-a-second-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f59a56b-92c6-4b2f-b782-587a669bf84bPost:f7eba6e5-a354-4322-8cb9-bcf7d296d1db">Families live far- considering doing a second reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay here's the deal. My fiance's family lives in OKC mainly- but are spread around quite a bit. My entire family is in northern wyoming- montana area. I want to be able to celebrate with both families but think it would be better to have my main wedding with my family and the second ceremony with his family. I'm just lost as to what to do because there are so much more options for my wedding in okc versus up here. What do you think?
Posted by poplocknndropit[/QUOTE]
I'm telling you... neither of your families want to see a reenactment of your wedding ceremony, which is what the "second ceremony" would be.
They want to see the actual ceremony.

Can you find a place location in the middle they can both tarvel to? Can one family travel?

Ajuliana

My family was VERY happy to get the chance to celebrate a "reenactment" in California when they couldn't travel to Texas.  Although I suppose they only had a civil ceremony in Texas, and actually DID get married, by the Catholic Church, in California two weeks later...

brielleinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_families-live-far-considering-doing-a-second-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f59a56b-92c6-4b2f-b782-587a669bf84bPost:64992086-761d-4333-9e00-4be36c2e5188">Re: Families live far- considering doing a second reception</a>:
[QUOTE]My family was VERY happy to get the chance to celebrate a "reenactment" in California when they couldn't travel to Texas.  Although I suppose they only had a civil ceremony in Texas, and actually DID get married, by the Catholic Church, in California two weeks later...
Posted by Alaynajuliana[/QUOTE]

<div>Huh?  How did this work?  You can't have a big, traditional wedding in the Catholic church after having had a civil ceremony.  You CAN have a ceremony to have your wedding recognized in the church (I forget what it's called), but it's supposed to be very private with just the couple, some witnesses, and the priest.</div>

ShannonEM

We are having a second reception but not a ceremony/re-enactment/vow renewal.  There is an ocean between his family and mine so not everyone will make the wedding, but we are having a dinner so that we can celebrate with his family/friends who couldn't fly over.  

Loopyseven

H's family is in Cleveland, and mine is spread out all over the place.  We were living in Cleveland, so we planned the wedding in Cleveland.  My family is better able to afford to travel (and since they're not all in one location most of them would have been travelling regardless of where we got married) so this worked for us.  I also wanted to be local to my venues and vendors to make it easier to plan and do the legwork.  

Have one wedding, one reception.  People travel to weddings all the time.  Send Save-The-Dates 6-8 months ahead of time, and that gives people plenty of notice to save up a bit and make the necessary plans to attend.

MoonlightSilver

Lots of people have family spread out across the country. My FI's family lives half way across the country from my family. You have ONE wedding (ceremony and reception together) and invite everyone you want to attend. 

GardenMaven

Between me and FI we have friends and family in 15 states and 3 countries, so we just picked what was easiest for us and that is where WE live.  Having had to travel to every single family wedding I have ever gone to and to a few friend weddings as well, I did not think that traveling for a wedding was a "big deal" until I came to TK.  I am still surprised by how many people seem to think it is abnormal.

Ajuliana

They had a convalidation, and there is no rule about who may attend.  However, we only had immediate family present.  To my parents, the civil ceremony is the one that didn't count--not an opinion I agree with, but one that the rest of the family mostly sided with, which is why they were so okay with the CA event.

KellyBrian2013

We had people travel to IL from Virginia, New York, California, Colorado, Texas, etc.... Have ONE ceremony and ONE reception. Invite everyone. Those that can attend will. Those that can't will decline.

Kate61487

Have one ceremony and one reception.  If you want to do it near your family/where you live that's fine (as long as your FI is onboard).  You can get together with his family the next time you're in OKC, but it shouldn't be a "reception". Meet up with them for a meal; have them over to his parents' house if they're cool with that.  Invite them all to the wedding anyway.  I think you'll be surprised how many come.  Likewise if you opt to do the wedding in OKC for the greater venue options your family should be invited to the main event.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_families-live-far-considering-doing-a-second-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f59a56b-92c6-4b2f-b782-587a669bf84bPost:b195347e-23e5-4a86-b669-39793f33de67">Re: Families live far- considering doing a second reception</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually attended a 2nd reception last night for a couple.  She is from TX and they now live in CA.  The wedding was in CA in September.  Knowing that not everyone could make it, her parents threw a Texas reception last night.  It was a simple event at a local restaurant.  I spoke with a few of our college classmates who have small children and couldn't travel to CA for a weekend for their wedding, so they were thankful they had a chance to congratulate them locally.  I honestly think that's the way to go - have the wedding & reception in one state and see about a second reception in the other state.  it was clear to all in attendance that this was not a second wedding.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

I just think it's bizarre.
I mean, if you can't attend a wedding, you can't attend. Things like having children, breaking legs, not having money to travel are all reason to not attend a wedding. They aren't reasons to hope the couple has multiple receptions.
If someone can't make the wedding, you can still celebrate the marriage with the couple. Offer to take them out to dinner. Send a card. Invite them to lunch. You don't need them to throw a party to be congratulated on getting married.
I don't mean you specifically, of course, just the general "you."

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_families-live-far-considering-doing-a-second-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f59a56b-92c6-4b2f-b782-587a669bf84bPost:c8d7fc2f-34f6-4ccb-b388-7e412c9ef3d0">Re: Families live far- considering doing a second reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Families live far- considering doing a second reception : You get ONE wedding ceremony, and ONE reception on the same day.  The reception is for your guests, not for you.  It is to thank them for coming to your ceremony. You can certainly have another party at a later date for your family to get together and watch your wedding videos and see your honeymoon photos, but it is not a wedding reception.  That will have taken place on your wedding day.  No wedding dress, first dance, bouquet tossing, bridesmaids, cake cutting and feeding ceremony.  Just have a nice party with your family.  The invitations to this party would go out separately from your wedding invitations because the second party isn't a part of your wedding at all.  It is just a party to celebrate your marriage.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto.  We had friends and family travel from several states including Hawaii, as well as from the Middle East.  We also had some people, both local, and out of state, decline.  Have one wedding and reception with those who can make it.  Like CMGr said, it would be fine to have a party/family get together where you share wedding and honeymoon photos, but in no way would it be a second wedding or second reception.</div>

Summer2011Bride

People travel for weddings all the time. It's highly unlikely your entire guest list would ever be in the same city. We live in IL and while we had some local guests unable to make the date, we had relatives and friends fly in from Virginia, CA, Florida, and even England! My point is, no date and no location will ever work for everybody.

As I pointed out, even local guests may not be able to come because of the date or obligations. Just have one ceremony and reception in the location of your choosing and let your guests decide if they want to come or not. Some will surprise you and travel, some local guests may surprise you and not be able to come, but at the end of the day, you can't control those things. That is much preferable to having a fake reenactment of your wedding ceremony.

allychase

FI cousin got married in Chicago-halfway across the country. We booked a flight and hotel and went out there. We wouldn't expect them to get married in five different states for each set of family. 

If people can make it, they can make it. If not-they'll probably send you a gift and wish you well. 

You get one wedding. No one cares to see a reenactment if it isn't the real thing. The beauty of a wedding ceremony is to watch the couple become married- watching a married couple pretend to get married is pointless and stupid. 

McRogol

Since you asked for opinions, here's mine - but I am no etiquette buff...

Plan for 1 wedding and 1 reception - invite everyone you want/can afford.  If it turns out a significant number of people from OKC (or from where you're family is) can't attend, the next time you're in town - have a small get together to see everyone and celebrate your marriage in a low-key, no formal invites sort of way.  

I'm sure this goes against all rules of etiquette. 

hoffse

Yeah we have at least 4 families flying from California, 2 coming from Missouri, 1 from Minnesota, 2 from North Dakota, 1 from NY, 2 from Wisconsin, 1 from Michigan, and 1 from Mass - and that's just my side (and those who have already RSVP'd).  His side has at least 4 families flying over from Belgium and 1 from France.  The wedding is in the middle of nowhere GA.  People travel for weddings all the time.

Pick the location that's easiest on you (we did N. Ga because that's where my family lives, and my parents are hosting - my mom is doing a ton of legwork for it), and let people come if they want to come.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_families-live-far-considering-doing-a-second-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f59a56b-92c6-4b2f-b782-587a669bf84bPost:1f3aa893-fe97-4a6d-820b-1c9d24cb3676">Re: Families live far- considering doing a second reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you asked for opinions, here's mine - but I am no etiquette buff... Plan for 1 wedding and 1 reception - invite everyone you want/can afford.  If it turns out a significant number of people from OKC (or from where you're family is) can't attend, the next time you're in town - have a small get together to see everyone and celebrate your marriage in a low-key, no formal invites sort of way.   I'm sure this goes against all rules of etiquette. 
Posted by McRogol[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, this isn't an etiquette trainwreck.  This is basically what we planned to do, but it turned out that more of DH's family than we thought were able to travel to the wedding, so we didn't end up doing any kind of celebration on their coast.  </div>

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_families-live-far-considering-doing-a-second-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f59a56b-92c6-4b2f-b782-587a669bf84bPost:1f3aa893-fe97-4a6d-820b-1c9d24cb3676">Re: Families live far- considering doing a second reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you asked for opinions, here's mine - but I am no etiquette buff... Plan for 1 wedding and 1 reception - <strong>invite everyone you want/can afford.  If it turns out a significant number of people from OKC (or from where you're family is) can't attend, the next time you're in town - have a small get together to see everyone and celebrate your marriage in a low-key, no formal invites sort of way.</strong>   I'm sure this goes against all rules of etiquette. 
Posted by McRogol[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I would suggest too. Instead of having a "reception" just do something more low key. Go out to a big dinner together. Host a party at somebodys house. But I do think that you should extend the invite to ALL of your family you would like at your wedding. People travel for weddings all the time & those that really want to be there for you, will be there.