Return the gift or keep it??

cpayce

There is a lot of bad blood between my mom and her mom (my grandma). My fiance and I are having a very small wedding with only very close family and friends. My mom's parents have never been overly involved in my life - they have other favorite grandchildren which they have made very clear, my mom has essentially disowned her parents and they are not invited to my wedding. My grandmother came to my bridal shower even though she wasn't invited or welcome. Her and my grandfather gave us a gift - a cheque for $500.00.

I feel uncomfortable accepting the money considering we didn't invite them to our wedding. Should I give the money back? I feel rude giving it back, but it doesn't feel right to keep it.... Perhaps I should just not cash the cheque? Maybe donate it to charity? Thoughts????

LeiselEB

It seems like your grandma knows she isn't invited to the wedding and still gave you the money anyway. I don't see a problem with accepting it. Perhaps your grandma is interested in being more involved in your life, and was giving you that gift as a sign of that? Who knows, that's just my guess. But I think it's okay to keep the money.

GretchenLaRoux

You don't have to return gifts from people who aren't invited to the wedding, generally speaking. I got gifts from rando friends of my ex-ILs who knew very well that they weren't invited and just wanted to send something along with their congratulations.

That said, how do you feel about this family feud personally? Your mom's fight with her mom doesn't have to be your fight if you don't want it to be. Does it make you uncomfortable because you feel like you're not supposed to have anything to do with them? Or just the dollar amount? If it were, say, $50, would it be as big a deal?

I can't really answer this for you, just giving you some things to ponder. Personally, I'd probably cash it. They wouldn't have sent it if they didn't want you to have it, you know?

crash2729

If you don't cash it,I would let them know.

That way they're not waiting for you to cash it.

ETA: I hit post before I meant to. 

I would probably cash it and view it as an olive branch. 

They wouldn't have made the effort to show up and give a gift unless they really wanted you to have it.

HockeyFan4

Seems like grandma knows the deal, especially if she hasn't been around.  But perhaps they set this amount aside for every grandchild regardless.

I say keep it...but that is just me

What has your mom said about it?

cpayce

Its not my fight... personally I don't want to be involved in what is going on between them. I am confused and caught in the middle. It is upseting... I don't want my grandparents involved in my life, not only because of how they have treated my parents but how they have treated me as well. I feel bad keeping the money because I don't want them to come back and throw it in my face that they gave me a gift and I didn't invite them to the wedding.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_return-the-gift-or-keep-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0fe2bb9a-8599-411f-a5a0-66dc30f2fb06Post:77281348-ead0-4b1b-a7ca-586a16fb9fd6">Re: Return the gift or keep it??</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not my fight... personally I don't want to be involved in what is going on between them. I am confused and caught in the middle. It is upseting...<strong> </strong>I don't want my grandparents involved in my life, not only because of how they have treated my parents but how they have treated me as well. I feel bad keeping the money because I don't want them to come back and throw it in my face that they gave me a gift and I didn't invite them to the wedding.
Posted by cpayce[/QUOTE]
Since you can't spend the money until after the wedding anyway, you could always give it back to them if they throw it in your face.

GretchenLaRoux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_return-the-gift-or-keep-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0fe2bb9a-8599-411f-a5a0-66dc30f2fb06Post:77281348-ead0-4b1b-a7ca-586a16fb9fd6">Re: Return the gift or keep it??</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not my fight... personally I don't want to be involved in what is going on between them. I am confused and caught in the middle. It is upseting... I don't want my grandparents involved in my life, not only because of how they have treated my parents but how they have treated me as well. <strong>I feel bad keeping the money because I don't want them to come back and throw it in my face that they gave me a gift and I didn't invite them to the wedding.
</strong>Posted by cpayce[/QUOTE]

If they do this, what can they even hope to accomplish? It's not like you have a relationship with them that would be strained, you know?

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_return-the-gift-or-keep-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0fe2bb9a-8599-411f-a5a0-66dc30f2fb06Post:77281348-ead0-4b1b-a7ca-586a16fb9fd6">Re: Return the gift or keep it??</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not my fight... personally I don't want to be involved in what is going on between them. I am confused and caught in the middle. It is upseting... I don't want my grandparents involved in my life, not only because of how they have treated my parents but how they have treated me as well. I feel bad keeping the money because I don't want them to come back and throw it in my face that they gave me a gift and I didn't invite them to the wedding.
Posted by cpayce[/QUOTE]

That sounds like a sticky situation.  Granted, if they DO come back like that, they are the rude ones.  What you could do is cash it but don't spend it until like a month or two after the wedding.  That way if they come back at you for it, you can always return the money if they cause THAT much grief.

chelseamb11

Btw Crash, I love your sig pic! Absolutely gorgeous! How's married life treating you?

ourwedding111111

It sounds like a difficult situation.  I would cash the check and send them a nice thank you note.  Ultimately, you will have to do whatever you feel is the right thing.    

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_return-the-gift-or-keep-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0fe2bb9a-8599-411f-a5a0-66dc30f2fb06Post:b9f48e3d-393b-4381-9e5b-68ea0fd53e13">Re: Return the gift or keep it??</a>:
[QUOTE]Btw Crash, I love your sig pic! Absolutely gorgeous! How's married life treating you?
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]
TY!<div>
</div><div>Honestly, </div><div>it's about the same as engaged life since we lived together. </div><div>
</div><div>Except now I tell H it'll cost him a WHOLE lot more to get out of it. (Kidding, obviously). </div>

strlzfan11

OP, I have a question for you.  Have your grandparents actually mistreated you because of you or have they remained uninvolved/uninterested in your life because of their relationship with your mom?  If it's the former, I'd return the gift and say thank, but no thanks.  If it's the latter, I would accept the gift and try to somehow form some type of relationship with the grandparents.  Your relationship with them can be separate from your mother's relationship with them.  One does not have to be dependant on the other.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_return-the-gift-or-keep-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0fe2bb9a-8599-411f-a5a0-66dc30f2fb06Post:77281348-ead0-4b1b-a7ca-586a16fb9fd6">Re: Return the gift or keep it??</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not my fight... personally I don't want to be involved in what is going on between them. I am confused and caught in the middle. It is upseting... I don't want my grandparents involved in my life, not only because of how they have treated my parents but how they have treated me as well. <strong>I feel bad keeping the money because I don't want them to come back and throw it in my face that they gave me a gift and I didn't invite them to the wedding.
</strong>Posted by cpayce[/QUOTE]

If wedding invitations were mailed and your grandmother knows it, then her decision to give you a gift has been made with her eyes wide open.  Only you know if she has behaved vindictively in the past and if it is likely she'd "throw it in your face" at a later date. 

I don't quite understand why you might feel bad, but go with your gut.  Know, however, that it may come across to her as extremely rude to return the gift and that, by doing so, you may be closing the door on the chance of any future reconciliation. It is quite possible that, by giving you this gift, she may have been trying to extend an olive branch.

Just my $0.02.

tanyanubin

Is is worth $500 to make you feel this uncomfortable and conflicted? It's only money. I would send it back with a polite, short note.