Self-solemnify

ndearmond

Hello!

We are planning a ceremony with up to 19 guests in a garden in the spring.  We will have no attendants or bridal party as each person is special and also deserves to sit back and enjoy.  We will be getting married in Colorado where no officiant is required and we are really excited to get to "marry" one another.

We're a little lost on the actual events of the ceremony.  It will be agnostic and we have ideas for the vows.  What else should happen?  We are planning to invite everyone in attendance to share a reading alone or in small groups, but we will not force participation.  We have readings available if anyone is stumped.

So, we will walk from opposite sides of the garden and meet in front of our loved ones for our informal and non-traditional expression of our love.  What then and in what order?

I welcome any and all ideas!

Warm regards,
Nico

TiffannieF

I don't think I understand...are you saying you will not be having an 'officiant'?

Avion22

Someone just posted about "self-solemnifying" in Colorado on the E board and it sounds awesome!

As far as elements, I think it's really up to you.  Most ceremonies include an intent to marry, and vows.  You may also want to do an "expression of love" before you actually make your vows (proimses) to each other.   You might also consider having friends do readings (there are a lot of good secular ones), or maybe a unity candle/sand ceremony.

kimberlyr22

We are self-solemnify (self-uniting) but we're designing the ceremony to be essentially like a traditional ceremony. A friend is going to "lead" the ceremony, welcoming all the guests, talking about marriage, etc. Two of my bridesmaids are going to do non-religious readings. We have back and forth vows that we're going to say. And then we'll do the self uniting part ("I take you to be my wife"/"I take you to be my husband")...then we're going to have a family member do a small blessing that won't offend either family (I'm Lutheran, he's Jehovah Witness)....and off we go!

The great thing about self-uniting is that there are no rules beyond the "I take you" part.

There are tons of great ceremony ideas on offbeat bride for this type of ceremony.

TiffannieF

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_self-solemnify?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:0a87606a-96cc-4973-854d-37ce528c0ebdPost:dd36ee67-db31-4214-aa76-3cb7e1fc3516">Re: Self-solemnify</a>:
[QUOTE]We are self-solemnify (self-uniting) but we're designing the ceremony to be essentially like a traditional ceremony.<strong> A friend is going to "lead" the ceremony</strong>, welcoming all the guests, talking about marriage, etc. Two of my bridesmaids are going to do non-religious readings. We have back and forth vows that we're going to say. And then we'll do the self uniting part ("I take you to be my wife"/"I take you to be my husband")...then we're going to have a family member do a small blessing that won't offend either family (I'm Lutheran, he's Jehovah Witness)....and off we go! The great thing about self-uniting is that there are no rules beyond the "I take you" part. There are tons of great ceremony ideas on offbeat bride for this type of ceremony.
Posted by kimberlyr22[/QUOTE]

This is what I was going to suggest if she wasn't going to have an officiant...somebody should at least 'lead' the ceremony

ndearmond

No officiant is correct.  That also means no leader.  We didn't originally intend to go so far from traditional, but it fits our feelings and it fits our guest list (in that we have no one coming who could lead and we do not want to hire a stranger).

Keep the ideas coming, if there are others.  We have 99 days and I am confident that we will be able to develop an exciting and loving plan.

I will have to look up "intent to marry" and "expression of love".  Thanks!  I am still learning how to find my way around here.

toothpastechica

I don't quite understand how you are gong to explain to your guests what is going on with no one officiating or even leading the cermony? Are you going to say "and we are now going to have so and so do a reading?" or "we are now done because we kissed?" I just see it being very confusing for guests to figure out whats going on, when it is done if its done. Just some things to think about, My fear would be that it could actually take away from the feel you seem to want by it appearing directionless instead of 'free' or 'self-directed'. If you are going to attempt to do it without anyone doing any intros or anything make sure you have a good program with the order of ceremony printed out!

ndearmond

Thank you!  A good program is a perfect idea to tie up the loose ends.  I have heard that this can be confusing, but we can find ways to explain to our small group of guests and the program will help.

Only having guests and not having an officiant is not an intentional slap in the face of tradition.  We simply don't have many friends and have had to be careful.  With large families, including one person would explode into something we can't afford very quickly because of the extended family bonds.

So, since he is from a state that allows for this kind of marriage, we are going to go for it with our grandfathers, parents, siblings and their familes.  We do want to find a way to add structure, though, which is why I am looking for ideas about what happens and how we might make that happen.

daria24

We are debating about doing a self-uniting ceremony as well. The way I have it planned (if we don't have an officiant) is:

Greeting-we will write a welcome greeting and choose someone to read it

Reading 1-Bride's choice, read by my best friend

Reading 2-Groom's choice, read by his cousin

Handfasting-our parents will read through this & bind our hands

Statement of intent-my MOH will lead me through mine, BM will lead FI through his

Vows-Fi and I will say these to each other, and pronounce ourselves married. 

It's definitely going to be a change for our Catholic families, but we will have a write up in the program explaining what a self-uniting marriage is (in PA it derives from Quaker traditions) and a run down of the ceremony. 

Magdala9

A ring warming (ring blessing) might be a nice touch.  The wedding rings are passed through all the guests from hand to hand.  Each guest says a blessing or a wish for the couple as they hold the rings for a few seconds.  The rings are then passed to the wedding couple for them to say a final blessing or wish as they put the warmed ring on their partner's hand.  The rings are warm from the personal handholding of their guests.  

TiffannieF

Meh-I guess this is not for me.

MiLadyK

I love it! 

We're getting married in PA, which honors the Quaker marriage, which is also without an officiant. We are choosing to have an officiant, but also have a very small ceremony without many of the traditional aspects. (We're skipping the aisle, we wanted to greet our guests as a couple and lean heavily on the social promises we're making. We're already a couple, we love each other, the ceremony is to promise everyone else that our realtionship is stable and something they can rely on.)

I would also sugesst looking into the idea of a ring warming, which is one of the few things we know we want in our ceremony.

If you and FI are comfortable performing or leading events in general, I can totally see the couple guding the ceremony without any other "guy up front". If neither of you is big on public speaking and public event running, I would suggest reconsidering asking one of your friends or family members to do the shepherding of the ceremony. You do want some structure, some amount of narration, for the event, whether you provide it or someone else does.

As for how your ceremony should go - what rings true for you? What do you want to happen, what do you need ot happen for it to be your wedding? If you want people to offer readings, you amy want to warn your guests about that so they can prepare themselves. Are there any readings either of you would like to offer? 

For us, because we are coming to the ceremony from a slightly less traditional angle (this isn't the creation of a couple, we're already a couple) and we don't really like many of the traditional trappings (statement of intent may not be alegal requirement in your state, etc) we know that we want to clearly communicate where we are coming from, and how important and special our guests are to us for this.  We know that we want to greet our guests together and all come into the church together. We know that we would like our officiant to explain the ring warming ad start the rings being passed, explain a bit about why our guests are so vital to witnessing our vows, and then we pretty much just want to exchange vows, retrieve and exchange our rings, smooch and then get out. 

Avion22

ndearmond -- I kind of made up the term "expression of love."  Most people who write their own "vows" really don't write vows at all.  It turns out being more like "Here are all the reasons I love you", which is GREAT but they aren't promises, just expressions.  It seems like most people who want to write their own vows like to express to each other all of the ways that they love each other, which is really sweet.  So I think it makes sense for people to do an "expression of love" before their actual vows.

Vows don't have to be traditional by any means, but they should be promises that you make to each other.   Traditional wording ("for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc) are really good places to start when you write your own vows, even if you change the words to something more meaningful to you.

kaceymarie

small group is good. then you can let everyone know what is going on. just research and make an outline. find vows you like, see who wants to speak, & then you could plan who goes when. you could make like a program so everyone knows when to speak maybe?

ndearmond

Thank you all!  This has been very inspiring and helpful.  We both love the idea of the ring warming.  In others experience, does that happen between vows and exchanging rings?  Would it be OK to keep the rings in a tiny satchel so that the children can participate without losing them in the grass? :-)

Thanks,
Nico

Magdala9

In the satchel, the rings would not get the warmth from the hand to hand contact. With the nieces, their parents wrapped a hand around the girl's hand.  I usually find that the two rings are tied together with a cord or ribbon.

ndearmond

Help from adult hands sounds perfect, Magdala9.

Elinetrouwt

We'll be doing this too. It was FI's idea, and I was a bit weary at first, but the idea grew to me. Our ceremony will look like this:

- Welcome: FI and I will welcome the guests, thank them for being there and tell them what will happen

- Reading: we have three readings in total, two poems and a scene from a book, our sisters will be reading them

- Reflection: my MOH will offer a moment of reflection on the meaning of marriage, a sort of preaching moment if you will, but secular

- Reading

- Declarations of love: FI and I will shortly tell something about our relationship, why we love each other and that we want to take this plunge

- Reading

- Vows and exchange of rings: here the best man is going to assist

- We kiss and are married

I don't think it will be very confusing for guests, we will explain what's happening and it's not really rocket science, I think.

ndearmond

Thanks, Elinetrouwt!  It is nice to hear from others who have planned or executed this.  It might help if we have a wedding party, but we are finding ways to use every guest and I think that will help.

TheLadyKathryn

On the ring warming, we're tying ours onto something palm/hand sized with a  ribbon so that they are harder to lose. (something like a keychain or flat christmas ornament size) We won't even have young children to worry about, just klutzes. 

Here is our basic order of ceremony:

1) Wecoming guests

2) Explination of ring warming and start passing rings

3) While rings are being passed, a speech/discussion on the purpose of this wedding and the meaning of marriage for us

4) Rings get passed up to us, vows and exchange of rings

5) We kiss and are married

6) We joyfully direct everyone to the steakhouse

I expect steps 2-5 to take under ten minutes. 

ChristineNB

Me and my fiance are also planning on having a self-unifying marriage (getting married in PA where this is legal).  We are planning on having a friend serve as a "MP" of the event and the ceremony.  For us this will work great as neither one of us want a religious ceremony.  We are still trying to figure out all of how it will flow, but right now we are thinking let our one friend the MP say a few words, then vows, then maybe something else (perhaps a reading).  We plan on keeping it around 20 minutes, not too long.

ndearmond

How exciting!  Today we went out together with some ideas that I had gathered here and elsewhere and we put together some words that I think will be really meaningful to us and our families.  I am not even sure how I will get through the vows, but it is so powerful.

Working out the officiating part - the pieces of a ceremony that we will be saying in first person instead of hearing from a third person - was a bit of a challenge, but now that we have a draft, I am even more excited.

Spending this time with my love is a piece of the wedding planning that I would never want to trade!  Thank you to my future home state!