Can I tell my mom who is seating her? Family vent

ac_in_dc

My mom has always been a bit of a pain, but in the past 6 months she's become impossible. My sisters & I think that she may have had a series of small strokes, or possibly is dealing with the onset of dementia. Her therapist wants her to be evaluated by a neurologist, but she keeps blowing off the appointments.I have a brother I grew up with, plus my mom gave up a baby for adoption in 1959 and reconnected with him 5 years ago (I call him "bonus brother"). I've developed a nice low-key relationship with BB and so he's coming to the wedding. My brother (the one I grew up with) is doing a reading and helping to usher.Now my mom's pulling some weird AW crap where she wants bonus brother to seat her at the wedding because he's "her oldest son". He's a nice guy, but I'm pretty sure he has no interest in inserting himself in our family drama (he's smart like that).  And my actual brother would be really hurt if mom did this, and it would just be all the way weird. Plus actual bro and bonus bro have never met, and it would be great if that was a somewhat normal interaction.As the bride, do I have the right to tell her who is seating her?  And do I just boss her around, or sic the pit bull altar guild lady on her? I really don't want her making a scene.

danieliza1127

I think it's okay for you to tell her who will be seating her.  Can you explain to her why it would upset you and your brother if she had BB escort her?  Or would she just not get it or not care?

Lyss5782

AC--FI's mom has similar issues (strokes, possible dementia, plus severe addiction to pain meds)...good luck with everything...its been very hard for us so I definitely feel for you.Oh, and yes...Id just tell her what to do.

ac_in_dc

OK, I'll try being bossy with her.  I could enlist the help of my bro or BB, but I'd rather not.Family politics suck. Thanks for the advice.

ddumire

The pit bull altar guild lady sounds like a good option.  Perhaps you can get around this by telling her that you don't want to hurt your brother's feelings and that you will honor her and BB's relationship/feelings by having BB escort her out of the ceremony.  If that doesn't work, then do the pit bull altar guild lady thing.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Can you just tell your mom that your brother is really looking forward to seating her? That may make her feel honored (and hopefully not want to disappoint her son.) I think, yes, you can tell her who is walking with her. I would personally be very upset in this situation if I was your brother, since she hasn't had much (if any) interaction with bonus brother.

ac_in_dc

Yeah, Mrs. V, I'll just tell her that she needs to let my brother do this. I want to be as low key as possible about it, I think it would be terrible if my brother learned that she was even considering this.If I had known something like this would have happened, I wouldn't have even invited BB.  He's a great guy and totally would not have been offended if I hadn't invited him.  Argh!    

Calypso1977

i asked my mom who she'd like, since my father is no longer with us. i  suggested that my H seat her, and she thought that was nice, so taht's waht we did.

banana468

Do you have just those two brothers?  Could both seat her?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

If she's dealing with dementia, is there any chance she'll forget wanting BB to seat by the time the ceremony rolls around? Would it hurt her terribly if you told her that BB doesn't feel comfortable seating her, especially since your brother wants to? Hopefully she won't be too upset. Maybe your brother would even be willing to ask her if he could seat her, to really make her feel honored.

gottahavashorti

Both brothers would be a good idea, or maybe one could seat her and the other could walk with her when the ceremony ends.If she is developing dementia, it might be easier to let her decide who will be seating her.  Some people with dementia get upset or angry when they are confused.  While it may hurt your brother's feelings, telling her what to do may make it seem to her like you think that she's confused and can't make decisions for herself- whether or not that's actually true.

ac_in_dc

I don't think she's going to forget about this.She's kind of fixated on BB, even though she's only seen him three times since 2004, and before that hadn't seen him since he was 3 days old. I'm actually closer to him than she is because he happens to live near FI's family in Colorado, and I stayed with him a few years ago when I was driving cross country and we really hit it off. BB is pretty ambivalent about my mom--she gave him up, after all. And now she's trying to be a big part of his life and I don't know that he wants or needs it. Both my brother & BB seating my mom would be disastrous as well; it would make my brother feel awful.  And I feel responsible; now I feel like I shouldn't have invited BB.  And I worry that my relationship with my brother will suffer too (we're not all that close--he lives far away and doesn't return my phone calls or e-mails, partly because he's in a high-powered career and would like to distance himself from our crazy family).Sorry, this is turning into a livejournal...I need to stop stressing about this and start tackling the 60-odd items on the final to-do list!

banana468

I vote sicking the pit bull on her....the church one or a real one.