What would you do- is it bad manners on the behalf of the bride and groom or just us?

chestr22

I asked this on my local boards yesterday, but haven't gotten a lot of response off of it.Hi all, Kinda have a wierd question here, but here goes. I went to the wedding of my very first friend ever yesterday. The history is that we have all been friends since elementary school. We were all only children or the only girls in our familes, so over the years, we became each others sisters/family. When our friend originally became engaged, she announced that only her cousins would stand up with her because of who she was marrying (her now husband is Indian/Hindu) they only have "blood family" stand up with you. We were all able to get over it, until yesterday we we go to the reception to discover our table was basically in the corner, pillars in front of us where we couldnt see them at all, or see anything going on. Then get this, when they walked around to greet everyone, they breezed by our table twice (the last time by she waved) and was too busy posing for pictures with her new "extended" family. All of us felt like it was a huge slap in our faces. There is more to it then that, but I know I got so upset, I decided to leave around 9, along with the others who actually waited that long, some had already left, pack my stuff and leave for home immediately (this was 2 hours away). I know it was her day, but it almost seemed to me she only invited us because she felt obligated to do so. She had all of their college friends right there where they could see everything (who have only know them a handful or years), but us who have known her 25-27 years shoved into a corner like bad little children. Is it just me, or does that sound wrong?? Oh, and to clarify, there were 4 of us there. I could see it if there were a bunch of us, but 4, plus a set of parents whose house she spent a ton of time at. Most of us drove from over here, but one of us flew in from RI, and never got a chance to say hello. Opinions please! As a side note - we have all remained close over the years. One of the girls was the brides "sounding board" through most of the planning", shared advice, etc, through this whole process. We have shared everything through our lives - weddings, births, deaths, etc. It feels as though we have been traded in for "more" family. All of us come from small families, which is why our bond has always been so strong. Thats why this was very much a surprise!! I'm not sure of what to do. Should I say something or let it go? I have always felt I could say anything to her, but now I'm not so sure.

danieliza1127

Wow, well, that's a tough situation.  Are you still close?  As in talk often, see each other often?  Or do you only see each other at weddings, births, funerals like you mentioned?  That would help me shape my opinion I think because I'm not really sure based on what you posted.I don't think I would say anything to her, although I do think her behavior is likely to really cool all of your friendships with her.  I would worry that she would feel like you were ganging up on her if you approach her about it, and really I could see her defense just being that it wasn't up to her or something.  Also, it wasn't about you guys or your friendship with her.  It was about their day and their wedding.  So it could come off as selfish of you guys to have expected to be honored in some way just because you have been friends forever.  I don't know, that's a tough one.

danieliza1127

Finally, just because you've known her LONGER, it doesn't mean you know her BETTER. You're an older friend, but not necessarily a closer friend than others who attendedThat was my thinking too and that's why I asked how close you guys really are, how often you talk and see each other.

ffmaid

1. You could have gone up to her from wherever you were sitting and said hello and congrats and wow isn;t this wonderful too,. So your not getting to say hello is partly your responsibility too. 2. Who should have gotten the bad table maybe she assumed that you were the type to be up chatting and dancing and having fun all night so bad table was not an issue. Also being just brides friends and oposed to brides and grooms friends it makes sense that you would not get as good a table3. If you love her as much as it sounds like give her teh benifit of teh doubt that she meant fine but failed in exicution or got railroaded in her wedding you just never ever know

ac_in_dc

Yeah, she definitely slightly you, and you have a right to be upset, but I'm not sure there's a lot to be done about it. She does get cut some slack b/c of the number of expectations placed on someone on their wedding day. I'd probably let it go, but if she continues to demonstrate her lack of commitment to your friendship in other ways, it may be time to accept that you guys aren't all that close anymore. Longstanding friendships definitely have cycles, though, and you may become closer in the future.

tidetravel

If his family is Indian/Hindu, I would imagine that it was a LARGE wedding.  Maybe once you are actually married, you will understand how quickly that day goes by.  Fact is - you can't spend time with everyone.  She probably doesn't even realize that she "breezed right by you."  Are you so hurt by this that you are willing to stop being friends with her?  If so, speak up.  If not, suck it up and move on. 

Night_Sprite

Also, a wedding day can be really overwhelming.  She may not have gotten to meet many of these people if they aren't local.  There also may be tradition and custom sets that you aren't familiar with.  I'm sorry your feelings were hurt and it doesn't feel nice, but sometimes our oldest and most comfortable places/people are the easiest to take for granted.

CubsGirl05

Maybe she is closer with her college friends now than she is with you guys. You can't judge her for that. And so what if she was posing for picture with her new family...there is nothing wrong with that. She probably doesn't know/think she did anything wrong. Perception is reality though, so I think sometimes people take one thing they percieve as rude, and make the whole situation a bad experience for themselves.

chestr22

I guess I need to clarify somethings - no, we do not see her as much as we would like, but its because she moved 10 hours away. Whenever she comes even remotely close to home, we drop everything to spend some time with her. We just spent the weekend with her two weeks ago, kinda like her bacholorette weekend. usband I want you to look at it this way - your best friend, doesnt matter how long, just the best friend in your life, someone you would drop anything for at a seconds notice to be there if they need you, who is just like your sister, decided to trade you in because for a new family. That is exactly how it is. Yes it was her day, but after spending the whole night before with his family (to something her own family was not invited to), the least they could have done was stop to say hello to those who they will not see again for a while (because of distance not by our choice).  

tidetravel

OK - so what you are really saying is that you don't want opinions, you want validation. Previous answer still applies.  I'll tell you what I tell my husband - you can't hold others up to the same standards that you hold yourself.  Just because you "drop everything" when she visits doesn't mean that you can expect her to do the same.  And it doesn't make her a bad friend.What we are telling you is that, as a "friend" you need to be more sympathetic.

CubsGirl05

She probably hasn't met most of her new extended family, and this is why she was busy the night before. You are sounding a bit like a child. She has more/new family now, and yes, sometimes that means not having a lot of time for friends. Especially if she hasn't met everyone. I doesn't matter how long you've known a person, and maybe you consider her YOUR best friend, but it sounds like this is not how she looks at you.

ffmaid

Chest - as a good friend the least you can do is give her the benifit of the doubt.

111Kate111

Ditto what everyone else has said- if it was a large wedding she probably just didn't have time to talk with everyone she wanted. She should have come up and said hi and thanked you for coming, but maybe she was being pulled in a million directions- meeting new family members, etc. As far as the tables go- I think its very possible she didn't realize that was a "bad" table with no view when she sat you there. If you are seating a large group she probably put family up front and filled in friends where she could. I doubt she deliberately put you at a table where your view was blocked. The situation is sad, but I wouldn't bring it up- I don't think that would help.

AmoroAgain

haha... I was going to tell you to post this here.  But, I don't think you'll get much different responses than you did there.You seem to want a bunch of people to tell you it's okay to be pissed off.  If you are pissed off about it, go ahead and feel it. 

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I think once you have a wedding you will understand how very little time you have to do these things.The reality is that she probably wanted to spend time with people she doesn't see often, or her new extended family (who she may not see often). She probably knows that you, as her "friend" will understand if she has obligations to her new family, who might not be as "understanding" if she spent all her time with her friends.I don't know why you were at the table you were at, but maybe she didn't do the seating arrangement or maybe the table numbers weren't laid out correctly. At least you got to spend time with your other 3 friends, rather than all being split up. As someone else said, saying something now would serve no one but yourself and probably ruin your friendship. If you want to end it, then okay that's great. Say something. But, try to be the good friend you're expecting her to be, and just be understanding of the craziness that surrounds weddings.

tidetravel

From your local board post: we spent the weekend together 2 weeks ago to celebrate her impending marriageReally?  You are complaining that she spent the night before the wedding with her "new family," but you spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND with her a couple weeks before?Get over yourself.  You know, it's possible that she would have had time to loosen up and "party" with you and the other friends once the "family duties" were done, had you not thrown a hissy fit and left early

chestr22

I'm not trying to find validation, and I'm not looking for sympathy, or whatever it is that I keep getting slammed for. That morning my friends and I delivered a gift that we had worked on for weeks - a scrapbook that included everything we had from her life - from our first picture ever taken together to our vacations to college graduations to weddings and birth up to two weeks ago when we were together. She never said thank you, not to mention when she saw us walking her way, she turned around and walked away. How can we not be hurt? It was explicit! Maybe she doesnt think we are "sophisticated" enough for her new life style - dear God knows she never took her husband home to see where she is really from, so maybe she is ashamed of us. Like I said, it feels like she did it out of obligation, but when you invest a lifetime in someone, it deserves respect.   

Nebb

From what pp have said about indian/hindu weddings being large, I can only assume the amount of people that were there. I only had 80 in attendance at my wedding and I found it SO difficult to give them enough face time and I know that for someof them I didnt see them more than saying hi and thanking them for coming and then saying bye and thanking them again. It can be difficult to juggle friends, family, other guests, making sure the day is running smoothly and enjoying yourself on your wedding day. I would agree with pp and cut her some slack, it was surely not intentional.

CubsGirl05

When you invest a lifetime in someoneWow, this is sounding more and more like Single White Female.... Kinda creepy.

Nebb

Its obvious you are hurt but I really think youre reading way too far into this and imagining cruel intentions when she probably didnt even realize she was doing anything wrong. Have your pout and then let it go.

tidetravel

MUD.  You'ze got it.

CubsGirl05

when she saw us walking her way, she turned around and walked away. How can we not be hurt? It was explicit! You don't know that she saw you, maybe someone called her name, or she forgot to something or whatever.The point is, you are acting like she should've spent the enitre time she was in town for the wedding with you, and the entire reception with you. You're being a bit ridiculous.

trix1223

You'd do better to return to your local board where you are getting validation.  Your repeat posts are not at all helping your cause.My DD was married two weeks ago.  It was a whirlwind for DH and me, much less her.  I look back now and realize that I barely talked to my brother and his girlfriend at all.  It was that much harder on DD and her DH as bride and groom.And I know that if someone had come up to her on the morning of her wedding with a big scrapbook of their lives together, she would have set it aside to look at later.  There just isn't any possible way she could have sat down to look at it and ooh and aah during that incredibly busy morning.In fact, I can't imagine anyone not in the WP just stopping in and expecting her to drop everything to spend time with them rather than her WP and her mom and dad.You're being childish.  You have a different view of the friendship than the bride does.  You had a full weekend with her 2 weeks before the wedding.  Perhaps that weekend didn't go as well as you thought it did.One might also think that she felt that after spending a full weekend with you only a couple of weeks ago, she should probably focus on people who flew or drove in only for the wedding.You really need to let this go.  You're just not going to get validation here for your snit.

lyndausvi

sorry you are being overly sensitive. I was pulled into so many different directions on my wedding day it was crazy.  I was lucky to get a few moments with each person.  So yes it was disappointing that she did not spend anytime with you and yes it sucks to get the bad table (but someone as to right?).   But you you really need to let this go, as it's not easy being a bride on the wedding day.

banana468

Is it possible that you're reading more into this than it's worth?  Maybe she sees that you're so close that you two were together for the bachelorette party and the pre-wedding event.  If you looked irritated as you gave her a gift, I can understand if she turned away - or ditto the response of a PP.  She may have been pulled in another direction.If you honestly think that she's turned away from you as you went to talk to her then AFTER the honeymoon if you're talking say, "Hey I just want to make sure that there's no bad feelings between us.  You know I love you and I'm so thrilled for you."Is it worth creating an argument over something that can't be changed now?

Danish1701

I have 3 words. "Get over yourself". I HAVE been to Indian weddings and am well aware that they tend to have had over a dozen distant relatives that fly in FROM India. These are people who went across the globe to share in the bride and groom's day because they were family. These are people some of which she may never see again in her lifetime because of distance. That she spent more time with them is not only understandable but expected. You never mentioned how many people were at the reception. But if it was anything like the 3 I've been too there had to be more than 500 people there. (The one had close to 900. YIKES!) We see the couples fairly often enough, so when I didn't get the chance to say congrats those nights, in no way was I upset or angry like yourself. Those weddings, contrary to your belief are not about me and my feelings, but about the couple and their family. All I can say is I'm very glad you're not my friend! 9 pm at a reception is still early. You didn't even give her the chance to make her way to the table. Who knows, maybe she was hoping you'd be a friend enough to understand that she had to take care of other matters first in anticipation that since you're a friend you'd stay awhile longer. What did you do; eat and run? You jumped to conclusions and got offended over something just to make yourself feel important. Get over yourself.