Best friend said "no" to being MOH

weddingbells2010

I'm having a little trouble dealing with how I feel right now.  I asked my best friend to be my MOH the other day, and she basically said no.  Well, what she said was "I'll think about it." I'm trying to be mature and understanding, as she is getting married about 2 months after me and expressed concern about being a good MOH under the circumstances.  She mentioned the added cost and responsibility.  I just don't see how this is any different from being a bridesmaid.  She wouldn't be spending any extra or doing any more.  Is she looking for a way out of being an attendant altogether?  We both have other weddings to attend around the same time, and have friends in tight financial situations these days, and talked openly one day about having to be understanding if a friend had to decline to participate or come to the wedding.  I didn't know we were talking about us, and my wedding! I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid for her too.  Truthfully, I know it sounds spiteful and I don't mean it to be, but I'm so hurt that if she won't be in my wedding, I don't know if I can feel comfortable in hers.  It feels like a rejection.When can I approach her about this? Do I just wait around until she approaches me?  We've been friends for nearly 15 years and I never imagined the moment I asked my best friend to be my MOH to turn out like this.  I'm hurt and embarrassed.

salt78

Does she realize that as MOH, she really doesn't have any responsibilities outside of just showing up to your wedding?

lauralaur

If cost is an issue for her, is there space in your budget to offer to pay for her dress? Also, have you told her that a shower is not required? That you would rather have her be your MOH and that she doesn't need to throw all of the parties if she cannot afford it? Also, if time is an issue, have you assured her that she needs only to purchase a dress, make sure it fits and that she has shoes, and show up the day of? What sorts of expectations do you have of your MOH? Do you expect her to help with invitations or such? I think it's all about your expectations. If you can explain to her that you don't expect your wedding party to help out with a ridiculous amount of wedding stuff (assuming you don't, of course), maybe she'll feel like she can handle it?

angie74

MOH "duties" shouldn't be any different than any other BM "duties" if it's about the money, there's not much you can do about that outside of offering to help her.

tlv204

Yeah that kind of sucks.  I guess I would just wait a few days, if you don't hear from her approach her in a non-confrontational way, explaining to her that you don't expect anything from her other than emotional support and to wear a dress and show up on time.  Don't expect her to plan a shower or bachelorette party, or to help you plan.  If she offers that's great, but I have a feeling she's worried about not being able to afford this stuff or not having time for it.  Just be honest with her and about how much her friendship means to you.  Try not to take this personally, just explain your feelings to her and hope for the best.  No matter how it turns out, as hard as it may be, try not to let it affect your friendship, I'm sure she has her reasons.

banana468

Wait for her to give you her answer.She may be a really overwhelmed bride and the idea of being an overwhelmed bride and a MOH at the same time may be too much stress for her.  We know what we say here on P&E however we also know that many of us feel strongly about not doing 'the minimum' as someone in an honorary role.When she responds, feel her out.  If she's 'just not that into you' then there's an issue with the friendship that you'll need to evaluate.  More than likely, she's needing you to be there for her as a friend and to be understanding of her situation.  And talk to her about how important it is to you to have her there if at all possible.  Perhaps you can ask her to do something that's also of value like doing a reading and/or if she's up to it, a toast.

shawna77inil

I would talk to her and find out what her reasoning is.  I would imagine that it is probably the extra financial strain of buying shoes, a dress, throwing a shower, etc.  She may not be in the same financial situation that you are, meaning that just because you can afford to be in HER wedding, it doesn't mean that she can afford to be in yours.  I ended up having to buy both of my bridesmaids their dresses and also my flower girls' dresses and ring bearer's tux.  The people that I wanted in my wedding just weren't able to financially swing it, and I didn't want anyone else to be standing for me.  Try not to take offense.  She seems to have a valid reason just with the time factor.  Remember, she is getting married AFTER you.  That means that you have two months of post wedding time to dedicate to helping her.  She will be two months PRE wedding, and as you find out, that is a very busy time for a bride.  I think she is doing the right thing by being up front with you right from the getgo.  She knows she will be in the final days before her wedding and won't be focusing on the details of your big day, which is what a maid of honor helps with.  Try to be understanding!!

kkchisholm

When I was my bestfriends moh, i threw the bach and bridal shower and probably spent 500 dollars.. and I did ask other bridesmaids to help pitch in for the limo and some other small things. but if you dont' want her to do these things, just let her know. I admit.. being a moh can be somewhat stressfull. especially when the bride is living 1500 miles away! Luckily, she will be my moh as well, and now I can really appreciate all I know she is doing for me!

salt78

[i]She knows she will be in the final days before her wedding and won't be focusing on the details of your big day, which is what a maid of honor helps with.[/i]Wrong.

weddingbells2010

Thanks for all of the quick responses! In terms of my expectations, I really don't expect a lot! I've already told the girls that I'm going to pick out a variety of dresses and let them pick the most flattering/budget friendly one they want, and have privately offered to help pay for it if it's an issue.  I've also offered to pay for hair and makeup on the morning of the wedding.  I don't want a bachelorette party, but I do want a shower... my mother has offered to cover it (but put down the bridal party as the "real" hosts since I know its not proper ettiquette for the MOB to host it)...  I just don't feel like I've asked a lot to make her respond this way.  But as many of you said, I am trying to just be patient and understanding.  It just doesn't make it any less hurtful

shawna77inil

Well I'm sorry that you feel that is wrong, but on the day of my wedding my MOH will, indeed, be helping me with things.  She would kick me in the can if I didn't let her.

banana468

Shawna, there's a difference between knowing that your MOH will be there and saying, "This is what the MOH does," as a requirement.

temerityjane

I had the same problem with my sister. She was reluctant, but once I explained to her that she didn't have to do anything but look nice and show up, and assured her that I genuinely had no other expectations at all, she was fine with it. She just needed reassurance that should could "handle it," which was accomplished by telling her that there was nothing to handle.That, and I threatened to tell our mother on her.

tlv204

I don't blame you at all for being a little hurt.  I was in a similar situation and felt hurt as well.  Hopefully everything will turn out fine one way or another!

shawna77inil

I can totally understand your being hurt.  I think we would all be a little shocked if the person that we asked to be our MOH didn't immediately respond with a yes.  That's one of those questions that you just kind of take for granted because you just KNOW the person is going to be all about it, I think.  I'm glad to see that you are trying to be patient and understanding.  What an awesome friend you are! :-)  I hope she does take you up on your offer of helping her financially if that is her reasoning for not being able to be involved and also listens to you wholeheartedly about not having huge expectations.  I, personally, would still want to do every single thing I could, but really enforce to her that you understand that she is also preparing for a wedding and hopefully she will come around.  I really do hope so!!  It sounds like the two of you have a great and long lasting friendship.

ShawnandKris

Please don't force this. If she doesn't want to be in your wedding, then don't make her. My bff of 15 years and I had it out a week ago, my wedding is in September. She had issues about just about everything (dress, MOH, shower, cost, taking time off work for wedding day,personal attacks on my sis and mom). Everything came to a head last week and she's out of the wedding party. I feel if I had not asked her then none of this would have happened. Be honest about how you feel and let her be honest with you.  I can understand how she would feel if you are both in a total of 3 different weddings in such a short amount of time. It looks like you have some time before your wedding date. It may play out in a good way. Dont' worry

shawna77inil

LMAO @ I threatened to tell our mom.  That is awesome!  Hey, whatever it takes, right? LoL

veronabrit

If you let her pick her own dress, then I don't see the cost being a problem...however, she might feel guilty if, as your MOH she doesn't throw your shower, bachelorette party, etc. I am sure she did not mean to hurt you, but in reality, in this economy, with her wedding 2 months after yours, she might not be able to afford to give you everything that SHE feels you deserve.

blenderdance

Out of curiousity, how recently did she get engaged and how recently did you get engaged?  I am not saying it is right, but if you just recently got engaged after her, and are planning the wedding for 2 months before hers, she may be having a mild jealousy/bridezilla moment feeling like you are stealing her thunder.  Again, I am not saying that this is right, and hopefully if it is true she will come to her senses and realize that it IS okay for you both to be getting married around the same time...and for her to be in your wedding. I went through this after being asked to be in a friend's wedding a month before mine...I said yes and then had second thoughts (to my FI and mom only...not the bride), but I quickly realized I was being ridiculous.  I did make sure, however, that the bride knew that while I would try to be accomodating, I couldn't promise that I could do all the pre-wedding showers and such with her (since I didn't know at the time when my BMs were planning mine).  She was totally understanding, everything was wonderful, and I was so glad that I was there standing with her on her wedding day!

salt78

[i]Well I'm sorry that you feel that is wrong, but on the day of my wedding my MOH will, indeed, be helping me with things. She would kick me in the can if I didn't let her.[/i]That's nice if she wants to do that, but it's not her JOB. I'm not making my MOH do anything. She's my MOH because she's my best friend, not because I was expecting her to help me.

ggmae

When DH asked his two best friends to be GM, they said that they'd get back to him. They actually never got back to him on their own and he had to ask them 6 weeks later what their decision was. They said sure. I think they were worried about having some center of attention on them because they are shy guys. Let her know that you would really love for her to be in the wedding and that you will help her out financially (if you can.) Also tell her that you are in no way expecting anything (shower, b-party, gift.) To me, it'd be more important for my best friend to be in my wedding than having any of those extras.

BeachsideBettina

Well, what she said was "I'll think about it." I'm trying to be mature and understanding, as she is getting married about 2 months after me and expressed concern about being a good MOH under the circumstances.I'm actually a little iffy about being my BFF's MOH under our "circumstances".  I know she's going to expect an elaborate bachelorette and shower, which won't be in my budget and I also know that she's going to be expecting her MOH to be there helping her plan things, which isn't really feasible since we live 4-6 hours apart and she's in school all week and I work every weekend.  I also know this is because she and I have very different expectations of the role of the MOH but I'm very worried that I won't live up to her expectatios.  I would let her approach you.  If its been like a month I think you can casually bring it up but beforehand I might prepare myself that she'd say no (just because I know personally that otherwise I wouldn't react well).   Has she said anything about her expectations for her bridesmaids?

weddingbells2010

blenderdance- I got engaged just before the '07 holidays (talk about long engagement!).  She got engaged a little under a year ago. I don't really think that's the issue, though.  I honestly think she's very overwhelmed with how many other friends are getting married in the same six month span as the two of us (literally, about 6 other friends).  I won't be in any of those other weddings, and she might be, so I could see how it would be stressful for her to think about being in that many bridal parties.  Still... I think "best friend" should trump "new coworker" and "old college teammate". I guess what I'm feeling, wedding party aside, is that I feel like maybe I thought more of our friendship than she does.  The fact that she has to think about it says a lot to me.

Ssaaraahh

Let her know what your expectations for her will be, that will help her make her decision. She may be overwhelmed thinking about the cost and time to pick out and buy a dress, shoes, hosting a shower, bachelorette party, etc. but if all you are asking from her is to stand next to you on one of the most important days of you life because she is your best friend, hopefully that won't be too much for her. Just be flexible with her, her budget, and her schedule and let her know that, and hopefully she'll agree. Good luck

kloesk

i'm sure she's imaging buying a dress, getting her hair done, buying shoes... and then as MOH planning/paying for/hosting a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, etc. However, I hate when people are doing literally nothing but planning their wedding and can't call me back bc "omg i'm so busy." please. Unless I was insanely busy outside planning a wedding, i would still be a MOH for my bff.