Question for maiden name keepers...

beatlesgirl25

... or whatever they're called. I've been reading that ladies who keep their names in marriage can go by Ms. or Mrs., but can't get a straight answer as to what's more appropriate, if anything. Apparently Ms. is less confusing in that people won't call your husband Mr. YourLastName, but on the other hand, Mrs. is less confusing because it makes it clear that you're married. Thoughts? Experiences? I'm debating what to do after the wedding and would love to hear opinions. Thanks!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Not keeping mine, but etiquette says it's Ms. I would assume if someone was Mrs. Smith, then her husband is Mr. Smith, not Mr. Jones. That could get equally confusing. Is there a time that you specifically get to tell people how to address you (Ms. or Mrs.)? Not trying to be snarky, just wondering

Night_Sprite

From what I have read, there is confusion in both directions for your whole life.  Eventually people get over it.  Ms. Maiden is correct. Mrs. Maiden is not.

beatlesgirl25

Vogt, I was wondering the same thing. I personally don't ever want to be in the position where I correct someone... what I hear from women who have kept their name is that they just call themselves whatever is the most convenient for the situation to avoid hassle. Like paying a bill over the phone or going to an open house for your kids, you'd get called Mrs. HisLastName (and kids' last name) and just deal with it.My concern is that FI will not be happy with me being a Ms., not Mrs. He's already a bit disappointed I'm not changing my name.

[Deleted User]

Mrs. means wife of, so Ms. is correct.

Peyton Lawrimore

Keeping mine, going by Ms.  Used to be Mrs. Ex's-last-name.  I'm mainly keeping mine for professional reasons, which also indicates a use of Ms. rather than Mrs.

[Deleted User]

* Clarification, so if you are Mrs maiden name you would be married to your dad.

beatlesgirl25

NCV2, that's what's confusing me. I'll still be "wife of" FI, so I guess the name thing is the determining factor.

Night_Sprite

I don't get how this is a fixable issue. Either you change your name and he gets his Mrs. or you keep your name and you're  a Ms.  They're mutually exclusive.

bel138

Ms. is for any woman, regardless of marital status. It is the female of Mr. If your FI has a problem with that, ask him what his new title will be so that society knows he's married too.

angiebear11

If you're keeping your Maiden name then you would go by Ms. because you're not marrying your father.

SwedishChick2011

Peyton, did I understand correctly that you're keeping your ex-H's last name?  Even for professional reasons, that seems weird.  I'm remarried, and I occasionally get mail in my old married name, and it seriously pisses.me.off.

beatlesgirl25

Okay, thanks NCV2. That makes more sense, and ew to the dad's wife thing! Night sprite, I think you may be right. This has just been a surprise I wasn't anticipating. Thanks for the input ladies!

sarah0725

I'm keeping my name because I'm planning on being published eventually, and Sarah Mylastname is a unique name that not a lot of people have, whereas Sarah Hislastname would be incredibly generic and easily confused. Professionally, I will be going by Ms. Mylastname, although hopefully soon after our wedding it will change to Professor Mylastname. As for the Mrs., if our kids' teachers someday call me Mrs. Hislastname, I am not going to be upset.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Just plan on correcting people :)If/when you have kids, assuming they have your FI's last name, you will likely be called Mrs. FI's last name. People just assume things. Then I think it's fine to correct them and say it's Ms. maiden name. But, then I think people will assume you're not married to the kids' father.It's confusing any way you do it, to be honest. Which stinks that people make assumptions, but they do.

beatlesgirl25

Ha ha, bell, I'd love to have that discussion, but that would be poking the bear for sure. But the Ms. as describing any woman thing was also throwing me off about this issue, like I have to give up the distinction of being married because I'm choosing to keep my family name? I guess that's what I'm asking for, all or nothing.

bel138

I call everyone Ms. I'm meeting approximately 20 new women everyday since starting my job, and I don't know their marital status. I address all of them as Ms., and I've never been corrected. I don't think I've ever had a married woman get offended that I wasn't recognizing her status.

beatlesgirl25

Thanks Vogt. Sarah, I'm in a similar boat... professionally I'll be going by Dr. MyLastName, which is also a more rare name than FI's. I won't be upset if people mix it up either. Since I'm in clinical psych, maybe it's a good thing to be thought of as having a different name in my personal life.

Audrey_03

The only time it ever pissed me off to be addressed as Mrs. Hislastname was when the person doing the addressing was someone related to me who decided to completely ignore the fact that I didn't change my name. Strangers assume and there's nothing you can do about that. It's not worth getting upset over. Your wedding band will make it clear that you're married.

[Deleted User]

I don't think there is anything wrong with using your Dr. maiden name professionally and Mrs new name in your personal life. My last name is unusual and often messed up. FI's name is much easier. Also for a fun twist, I was named after an actress and FI and actress have the same last name. So I will be Famous Name after marriage.

fangsiting

Being married doesn't make you special.  You don't need a special title to announce your status as a married woman. 

beatlesgirl25

Fang, I never said that getting married makes me special. I simply said it was a distinction, as in being a more accurate way to describe my status, like Mr., Dr., Lt., or Captain. And it's not people calling me Ms./Mrs. HisLastName that was upsetting to me, it was confusion over whether to use Ms. or Mrs. Thanks for all the helpful perspectives guys!

tenofcups4me

I don't personally know any woman who has kept her name and prefers Mrs. over Ms. (including myself). And I DO correct people who call me Mrs. Hislast -- that's not my name. I don't necessarily get "upset" about it, but I certainly correct it.

AnneAndJJ

I will be hyphenating my name to MyLastName-HisLastName and going by Ms. The only reason I am hyphenating and not just taking his name is because we are giving our children my name, as if we don't, the name ends with my father, so it is a way to honour my family. I think it confuses people if the woman keeps her maiden name, so I'm hyphenating, which I always thought was dumb until this idea came about. I'm still going to go by Ms though. My maiden name will still be part of my name, so it would be strange to me to go by Mrs. If I get called Mrs HisLastName, I'll deal, because I've kind of taken it. It's not worth correcting people in my mind.

January Bride

I kept my maiden name.  I just go by my first and last name, usually.  We have had a few events where people write us invitations and say Ms. Maiden, and I've had a few that are Mr. and Mrs. His Name.  I don't really mind, because although as an individual I am Ms. Maiden, I AM his wife, and I don't mind being called Mrs. His Name when it refers to us as a couple.

trix1223

I didn't read other replies so I don't know if someone pointed this out.Actually Ms. was created to be used instead of Miss or Mrs.  The whole idea was that men are not defined by their marital status when the honorific Mr. is used.  Mr. Simpson can be a single, married, divorced, widowed man.  You can't tell by the Mr.When the women's movement started, women realized that they also shouldn't be defined by the honorific in front of their name.  So the suggestion was that Ms. be universally used.  Ideally, every woman would be Ms. Johnson, whether she was married, single, divorced, or widowed.So the answer to your question is to use the last name you want:  either your maiden name or your husband's name, or a completely new name that you make up together, and use Ms. in front of it.