My first, His second and we can't agree... need ideas

mrspaqman

My fiance and I are in a disagreement. As we sat down to discuss what we want in our wedding, we came to an issue over the guest list. He wants a small wedding with just his immediate family and our close friends. He says his first wedding was too big and that he wants this one to be more meaningful with just our immediate family there. I would like to invite my extended family, I am very close to many of my cousins, aunts and uncles and see them as an important part of our wedding day. I feel that having my family there will be meaningful to us (150 ppl total). People have told us that inviting just my family is all right, as it is our wedding and we have the final pick on guest list. He feels that if we invite my extended family then we need/have to invite his- which then makes it a huge wedding (275-300 ppl total). Telling him that he has had a wedding and this one is mine (as other people have told me to do) is not an option, we are in this together and want to decide together. So I need some brainstorming ideas on what we can do to solve our problem. Any idea is welcome!

TiDa2009

This was exactly (EXACTLY) our situation.  We compromised on a small ceremony with our very nearest and dearest because that's what's most important to him and a large reception because the celebration is what's important to me.It's not ideal for either of us, but we're both happy with what we came up with and we'll both enjoy the day. Would that be an option for you?  Some people don't like the idea, but it may be a solution for you.

cdeshane

If he doesn't want to invite his extended family he doesn't have to. But ultimately it will have to be something you will have to agree upon. FYI- I have a large family and was planning a large family but it was not as large as I originally expected.

cdeshane

*Large wedding, Sorry

danieliza1127

Inviting your extended family who you are close to does not obligate you to invite his extended family who he is not close to.  Tell him that.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

You need to figure out what works for both of you. Taking his first wedding out of the picture (because it shouldn't matter), you need to come up with a guest list that both of you can live with. Which means you probably can't have everyone you want and he will probably have more than he wants.

pumpkinpumpkin

Our best friends got engaged last weekend. It's his second her first. They decided a long time ago that when they get married, they will have a DW. She's very etiquette-minded, and couldn't stand the thought of someone giving them gifts when a lot of guests would've been at the first. I'm certainly not implying that you should have a DW, because it's difficult and expensive for your guests, but that's what they're doing. I believe there is a second weddings board, too...you might want to go there for advice.

3plus2=5

This is our situation in reverse, my second his first.  There needs to be compromise on both sides.  You need to recognize that he does not want a big wedding, he may feel uncomfortable asking all of those people to come and celebrate with him again.  He needs to recognize that this is a special day for you and that you want the people that are close to you experiencing it with you.Just like bridal parties do not need to be equal, neither do families.  The way things are looking right now, out of our 40 guests only 9 of them are from my side and that's just fine with me.  All of the people that are important to us will be there.

ac_in_dc

Sounds like you'll need to figure out some kind of compromise/middle ground.I was in your FI's situation (my second, his first). It's pretty common.  Something you could suggest would be a really relaxed wedding that's still big, where you rent a picnic shelter or a pavillion in a state park and have a low-key barbecue on a saturday afternoon. Or something similar.