Wedding Etiquette Forum
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"returning" adopted child

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33117703/ns/today-parenting_and_family/Did anyone see this story yesterday? The woman in this story adopted a little boy and then terminated the adoption after18 months because the child wasn't bonding.Thoughts?P.S. Sorry if this was already here! Things move so quickly I may have missed it. :)

Re: "returning" adopted child

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    I wasn't aware that adoptions had return policies.
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    I saw this yesterday.  It seemed to me like she wanted a repeat of her biological kids with the adoptive one, and she didn't get it so she got rid of him.  It's ridiculous, but at the same time I'm glad she did it if she really couldn't love the kid.  IMHO he would be much worse off growing up with parents who don't love him.
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    How old was he when she adopted him?I can't imagine Andy going back (my nephew). They weren't returning him after the first 18 minutes...
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    She sounds like a real nutter.  I read her original piece in the NYTimes- it sounds like the decision to adopt was obviously not the best for them at the time, given that they already had several children and that the husband had a job that required a lot of travel.
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    A girl I went to middle school with had an adoptive brother that was with the family for a 3 or 4 years.  He had a mental disability and the parents found that they couldn't "handle" it as he got older, I guess, so they put him back up for adoption.  I kinda gave the side eye to the whole thing, but I wasn't part of the family, so I don't know all the details.  I know that very hard for them to do it.  I think if you're going to adopt, you need to know that these things will happen, whether it's not being able to handle the child or not bonding with him/her. 
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    A family in my neighborhood brought an older boy over from the Phillipines for his adoptive family and then they decided they didn't want him.  The boy is really great and funny.  That family is missing out.RE the story above:  You can't take a child from a 3rd world country that has been feed little, not loved at all and left in a crib literally all day and expect some miraculous bonding experience when they come here.  They are left to cry with no one there to pick them up or stimulate their little minds in any way.  They become emotional voids because they realize no one cares or is going to come when they cry. There is no one there to smile at them, to play or change them when they need it.  I think this woman gave up too quickly.  But that's only my opinion. 
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    That's crap.  If she and her husband were fighting, it wasn't because of the baby.  Not bonding with a child doesn't mean that you aren't it's parent, nor does it relieve you of the commitment that you made to that child.
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    If she and her husband were fighting, it wasn't because of the baby.Ah, but she does actually blame the child.  She said it wans't tyring hard enough to love them, so they coudln't possibly love it.  IIRC she posted that on her blog.I'll have to see if I can find the article I read yesterday. 
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    Um, what if they "hadn't bonded" with a biological child? You don't get to return them.People can't expect children - biological or adopted - to be clones of them. They are individual people.
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    I'm torn.  On the one hand, that little boy deserves to be with a family that loves him.  On the other, that woman obviously should not have adopted in the first place.My friend's sister and her H adopted two kids from Central America.  The whole process was difficult, and I know there was a lot they struggled with in the first couple years of having the first one home with them.  But they worked through it and they are now a happy little family, with really great kids.  Those kids are awesome.

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    So, if it's a great thing for a biological parent to give up a child they can't care for, why is it so bad for someone to give up a non-biological child they aren't capable of caring for?Isn't this really best for the child rather than living with a family that resents him and doesn't want him?

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    Momo, you make a very good point. It's in their first months that children develop their attachment styles and no doubt this child has severe attachment issues. It's like the infants in Chinese orphanages. Even when you take them out of their environment and somewhere much more enriching and give them proper care, it takes quite a while before they become responsive and engaged and even longer before they learn to trust.
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    I think she just liked her other kids better and found out adopting a kid of a different a race, while fashionable, was also really hard work.I want to believe her intentions were good, but somehow I doubt it.  I just think this whole situation sucks - especially for the kid (obviously).
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    I read this article yesterday and I have mixed emotions about it.  I can't imagine anyone ever returning a child.  It really disgusts me.However, the boy is still really young.  I am sure there are many families who will jump at the chance to adopt a healthy young child.  And hopefully his next family won't treat him like a leased vehicle and turn him in when they have had enough.
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    Moose - I agree that he shouldn't be with a family that wasn't able to properly care for him.  But this attitude makes me sick: She said it wans't tyring hard enough to love them, so they coudln't possibly love itMe thinks they adopted the kid because it was "cool" and then decided it wasn't what she thought it would be
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    cacoffer, I agree with you. She stated that her intentions were basically to "save" a child by sharing her amazing family with them. That smacks of US privilege and would, IMO, be for the wrong reasons.
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    i think both the usa and canada have to get with the times and give ample maternity leave for adoptive parents. the additional time off would help with the bonding of the adoptive parents and child.
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    Moose, I see your point, but the adoptive mother just sucks. I'm on another message board with a woman who adopted a little girl (age 6, I believe) who was horribly abused by her biological parents. She and her husband love this girl, and have done everything in their power to help her. At age 10 she was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (google it) due to the sexual abuse she went through, and mentally has gone steadily downhill since then. To the point that she had to be institutionalized after trying to kill her adopted mom. Did they try and "return" this child they had adopted? Nope.
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    I saw the headline, but I didn't read the whole article.I think it's crappy, but it is possible for a child to be unable to bond. If a child does not bond with anyone within a given amount of time during infancy, the child may have an extermely difficult time bonding with anyone, ever. I don't know if that is the case here though. That is usually a result of extreme abuse or neglect.
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    Colleen, the US doesn't have ample maternity time for biological parents!
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    that is also true!
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    I agree that a child is better of in a family where they are wanted, however I feel a bit uncomfortable by the way that this story is being reported by msnbc, playing the 'poor parent' line. Clearly, it was a difficult decision that this family had to make, but ulitmately, I would want to do a LOT of family therapy and do whatever else I could to try and make it work, before deciding to give him up... I'm not sure how much work they actually did, and the fact that the story lays blame on the child for the family's problems doesn't sit well with me, either. I hope that this family has been blacklisted from adopting further children. If this child had issues with attachment, they are only going to be reinforced and amplified now, and that is horribly sad.
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