Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

Rach

Did you just dd? Or is it too early for me to be knotting?
«1

Re: Rach

  • Options
    Oh I DD'ed--I put another post in there about 5-10 minutes ago that said thanks for all the advice (seriously all, thanks)--but that there was a lot of info in the thread that I didn't want floating around, so I was going to DD. Don't hates me.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Well shoot, I ran away and it went away.  Good luck Rach, I hope things work out in the best way possible, however it is.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • Options
    Thanks j&k---I am not sure what to do from here, but I got a lot of good suggestions from you guys. As soon as I ditch my 5 year-old mentality, I should be fine. Either that, or move FI and I to California.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    I don't know if my last post got in there before you deleted, but this was my last piece of advice in case you didn't see it (sorry so long, and just let me know if you want me to delete this after you read it):Oh I know it's a lot easier said than done, and it certainly won't be perfect overnight. And I'm also not saying it's either person's fault, it's a combination of things, but this:it's just how it isis not a good mindset to have. That might just be how it has been up until now, but assuming it will always be like that no matter what you do (I know that's not what you said, but it just kind of sounds like a defeatist attitude) is not going to help anyone. Try to think about how much fun it could be to have a friendship with your SIL. And to not fight with your FI. There has to be something you like about her. Maybe she hash a good fashion sense. Try to go shopping with her. Maybe she really likes sports. Try to go hiking or to a baseball game with her or something. The next time she visits, no matter how much she or you whine, try to do something just the two of you. And get your FI to get behind you on this. He needs to realize how important this is and help him notice that you're trying. I know it can't all be one sided, and you can only do so much if she won't even answer phone calls, but I'm just trying to give some random ideas to attempt. You never know what small gesture you make might help you guys warm up to each other. Good luck!
    Leo says hi. He's...special.
    image
    Married
    Planning
  • Options
    tlv--I did get it before I DD'ed--I responded with: tlv--you are a very smart individual. I like you, and your advice. Seriously though, I know I am not an innocent party in the whole thing--I may not have done anything at the beginning, but I've done enough to make it uncomfortable since...and often my inaction is what has done the most. So, I hope we all get our act together soon.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Don't worry- I wasn't calling you out because I was hating on you! I just wasn't sure if I was seeing right; it was, after all, before 7am! About the academic thing, did you get my last post there? Honestly, it is going to look so much worse if it comes out that he's getting married and has hidden it because of who you are, than if he were just to be honest that he's seeing a girl and they're getting engaged. No one will put two and two together, and even if they did/have, they are not going to do anything about it. It happens. Even the head of school in psychology at my undergrad university married one of his grad students- obviously, they didn't get married until well after she'd finished, and the age difference between them wasn't highly scandulous (about 15 years, I think, but the student involved was in her 40's), but no one bat an eyelid when they did start seeing each other a couple of years after she graduated. If, however, they had remained quiet about it and then it had come out, I think that would have been an entirely different issue, as it conveys a sense of guilt that you don't need to have.
  • Options
    (PS: I'll delete the above reply of mine after you've read it if you'd prefer- but do seriously consider what I'm saying. It's honestly not as big a deal in the academic world as you think it is. Even as a new academic, provided he behaved in an ethical fashion at the time in which you were his student, there is really no conflict of interest. There's no law in acadmic insititutions which says that you cannot date people who you taught some time ago. Your approach of keeping it secret only will add to any perceived wrongdoing when it does come out, and it will).
  • Options
    Oh Sun, do you want to call my FI and explain that to him? I'd love to be open about it. At first, I understood the need to keep it under wraps--I will still his TA. But, after I graduated, and started my PhD elsewhere--I didn't understand the big deal--and I've maintained all along that no matter when we tell his coworkers, they will assume we've been together the whole time--which they are right to assume. We get married in 5 months; he has no plans on telling them. Everyone I work with knows. Everyone I talk to knows. I just don't advertise it on facebook or anything because it's his preference not to. But, it sucks. For instance, he was OOT last night for a bach party. He drove up with a coworker--coworker parked his car in the street in front of our house. FI and coworker pulled into the driveway as I was coming home from the mall--so, instead of pulling in right behind him, I kept driving--because coworker doesn't know FI and I are engaged, let alone live together. It was one of the worst feelings ever.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    I would be highly surprised if they didn't know. Honestly, the whole thing is going to look so very bad when it comes out if it's obviously he's pretended you don't exist. Seriously. I too am an academic, and I totally understand that he didn't want it to look bad at the time- but as you say, you are no longer a student there, and I'd be surprised if other academics would even remember that he was teaching you- and even if they do, unless there was some issues in terms of accusations of favouritism at the time, I can't see why there would be an issue. What are they going to do, lock him down and grill him to confess when he started seeing you? All he needs to say is that it happened after you left. I would be highly, highly surprised if that question even came up. I personally would feel really wrong about it if I were you, and there would be a point where I would not want to continue aiding him in hiding it. It screams guilt when there's nothing for him to be guilty over. It's not as though he has to go and announce to everyone at work that he's engaged, but he shouldn't be hiding you, either. What happens when you get married, will he take off his ring and pretend to be single at work? (PS: You can tell him I said all of this! I'd tell him myself if he were my colleague).
  • Options
    So his coworkers were invited to his bachelor party, so they know he is getting married but just not to who?  Are they invited to the wedding?
  • Options
    (again, I'll delete all of this once you read it, so don't stress abourt it being up here!)
  • Options
    aimz--haha no!! He was at a bach party [i]for[/i] a coworker; it wasn't his party. I laughed out loud imagining a bunch of guys at a bachelor party for someone who was getting married----and not even knowing the fiancee! Sun, I'm fine with you leaving it--don't worry! We've been through this whole coming-clean discussion so many times. His parent's, both of whom were professors, said he should fess up. He's told me he is willing to come clean if it'd make me happy--but, then I get afraid that it will negatively affect his shot at tenure. But, like you said, what's he going to do once we're married? Take his ring off everyday?---It wouldn't surprise me if he did. That's what I did while I was still in school there---I'd take it off before I went to campus. I have a feeling this thread has given me the courage to raise this topic of discussion with him again....like, now.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Okay--so that was quick: Me: Hey, when are you going to tell people at work that you are getting married? FI: Why? Me: Oh, I don't know, perhaps so that next time you let a coworker park his car in front of the house and I get home at the same time you two do, I can actually pull into my own driveway instead of having to hide and keep driving. FI: Fine, I'll tell them Monday. (For what it's worth, I don't believe him for a second.)
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    I hope so. You shouldn't have to live like that... and as you say, even his parents (who clearly do know what they're talking about given they too are in academia) have encouraged him to come cleean. It's not as though he has to announce that he's been seeing you for x amount of time or anything of the sort. It just means that next time someone comes over, or the issue of marriage etc comes up at work, he can be open about his relationship status. It's silly not to, and even if he is the most amazing liar in the world, eventually someone will see you two together, it will come out that you are married, and by virtue of him hiding it, he will come under scrutiny where he wouldn't have had he been open about it now.
  • Options
    :(  I'm really sorry you guys feel like you have to hide it.  That cannot be fun at all.  Good luck!And thanks for calling me smart :P
    Leo says hi. He's...special.
    image
    Married
    Planning
  • Options
    Well in that case, next time you want to go for a walk, or you one of his coworkers comes over, you don't have to hide. He doesn't need to make an announcement, he just needs to stop the deception.
  • Options
    We are so much more free than we used to be--for over a year we didn't go out in public together, or if we did--we went to a different town. Now we go to the store, the movies, out to eat----I know the secretary from his department has seen us together, but I don't think she remembers me. He comes up for his 3rd year review at the end of this year. Hopefully he will stop being a big fat liar pants after that. But, until then--I've lived this way with him for ever, I can't force him to fess up if he really thinks it will hurt his chances of keeping his job.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Totally random and not related to our conversation in the slightest, but what on earth was that siggy quote of yours said in reference to? And hmm. I really would feel highly uncomfortable about it all, if I were you, and would want some honesty sooner rather than later, especially given that you're getting married not long after the end of the year. It really is far more likely to hurt his job prospects if he has tried to cover it than it would if he were open about it, IMO- but that is something only the two of you can negotiate.
  • Options
    I would not survive in that relationship.  It doesn't help that I'm really bad at secrets and a loud person, but seriously. You're going to be married, it's not like you're just sleeping together in between classes or something.  I'll be super duper pissed for you if he seriously takes of his ring when going to work after you get married.  What's the point of marriage if you're going to do that?
    Leo says hi. He's...special.
    image
    Married
    Planning
  • Options
    I'll be super duper pissed for you if he seriously takes off his ring when going to work after you get married. What's the point of marriage if you're going to do that? Ditto.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Options
    ditto TLV. As far as his coworkers know, he's single. Why announce to the world that you've found the love of your life if you're not going to open about the fact you're married at your workplace, where you spend a large majority of your time? They don't need to know the details, but they should be aware that you exist. What did he do when his colleague came to your house- run in and hide all of your stuff? There's two issues that I have with this, one around his deception indicating guilt which is more likely to harm his career than honesty at this point, and the second about you having to deal with him denying your existence. I would not be ok with that, if I were you.
  • Options
    The siggy quote was rom one of the SoFL girls who came over here with some lame Dear Abby post, then she and another SoFL girl went on an ubber-religious rant; this was one of their many fantastic quotes. As for the rest---I was okay with not telling anyone about us either. I mean, my close friends know, so did my family-but I didn't make friends with anyone in my grad program because of this. I didn't want them to know--I didn't want a single person to think I didn't do my own grad work, or that somehow, because I was with him, I got special privileges. But, I've been done with grad school for a year now. I'm past caring what they think. I just wish he was too.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Yeah- I hope for your sake that he will be soon. and oh, haha, I wondered if that was where it was from. Oh my gosh, you wouldn't want to be having sex during daylight hours up against the wall or somewhere equally devious, would you?! I must have missed that thread.
  • Options
    FYI Sun--I told FI what you said (wrote)--and he said "awww damnit. I know I should tell them! Now they all (as in the knot girls) think I'm awful!!" Then he mumbled something about not being as selfish as it sounds--or something that I couldn't understand over his mouth full of cereal.
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    That's absolutely right!  We do think he's awful!  Tell him he can rectify the situation pronto by telling the people he works with that he's getting married.  And by buying you everything your heart desires.  And writing a check to me.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Options
    I don't think he's terrible, I just think he's a whimp and his reasoning on not telling his colleagues is not the most sound. ;P
  • Options
    and i second the option of the cheque, haha.
  • Options
    wimp=yes awful=no but, checks and shiny things are always nice. I'll let him know!
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    I agree that it is awful.  That is so unfair that he puts you through this, do you feel like you can really trust him.  I dont want to hurt your feelings but it seems he puts so many things before you.  I understand keeping it a secret while at school but I doubt any of his coworkers would remember you now.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards