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Etiquette

Interacial marriage

Honestly, my interacial marriage has only been given a fleeting through Dh and my entire relationship. Never was an issue. Until now. Dh's uncle just mentioned how upset his grandma is that M (dh's cousin) is dating a "white girl". This made me really think about what she thinks. I am the only non-hispanic in his family. Thoughts? Are you in an interacial marriage? Experience? Just trying to open up some conversation...
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Re: Interacial marriage

  • I am Mexican and my FI is white. My parents are traditional and therefore were slightly disappointed, but I wouldn't say it's a huge problem. At least not as much as I originally thought. I wouldn't take it too personally, unless they say so themselves. Some people just don't like change I guess, or just people who stick out, you know? :).
  • I just lurk around here but wanted to chime in on this topic...I am White and my Dh is Mexican. When we first met his mom was very disappointed that her son was dating a "white girl" but she soon got over it and now I am very much so a part of the family. However,  Dh's extended family makes comments every now and then, so I think it does bother them, but they never say anything to me. My dad, who I have no relationship, was also upset I was marrying a Mexican man...but he is racist but I honestly do not think that Dh's family is. For them, I think it is just cultural and wanting Dh to keep their culture going or something...that's my best guess.
  • I'm so sorry to hear that. I can never understand where that sort of backwards thinking comes from. DH & I are obviously in an interracial marriage. It's never been an issue with either side of the family...which made the blending of the 2 cultures even easier. Did she not show such animosity when you 2 were dating?
  • I am a Hispanic Jersey girl raised Italian and my FI is a Jewish California boy.  We have only had support from our family and friends and couldn't be happier.  Religion is not central to either of our lives and his family is ok with my being Christian.  When we announced our engagement our families' first reaction was to tell us to have lots of babies.  We are blessed and happy to have so much support!I have usually dated inter-racially have only had positive experiences.  I have friends who have done the same and had resistance from their families.  Every family has different beliefs and cultures.  I hope that it will get better over time in this country but we have a long way to go.
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  • DH and I both have such blended backgrounds that no one culture comes to the forefront for either of us, if that makes sense.  I do know how tough it is though.  My college boyfriend (a serious enough relationship that we were considering marriage) took me to meet his family and there were many comments from his grandmother about me looking "ethnic" and directly asking me where my parents were from (meaning the country) because my father's family is from Mexico.  I found out later that she and his parents expressed concern over how hard our potential children would have it if we did get married.Frankly I didn't see the problem since I am the product of an interracial relationship, but it was enough of a crack in the relationship that we split soon after.  I was devastated, but in hind-sight I'm glad that I didn't become a part of such an unwelcoming family.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with that Shan. :(  I had an aunt who would make comments about the background of guys I was dating but I would always point out to her that I didn't define myself as anything but human (for lack of a better term).  I know it's hard when it's not "your" family.  Has she ever been cold or rude to you?  Is it something that DH can talk to her about?
  • I'm not in an interracial marriage so I don't know what its like. I do have friends and coworkers who are and have expressed some of the issues they have had. All I can say is that if she hasn't made any comments to anyone about you personally then hopefully that is a sign that she does in fact like you. Maybe there is also some other underlying issue with your DH's cousins GF that you aren't aware of and that is why she feels the way she does.
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  • A few years ago a friend of mine was dating a Maori guy and her brother way dating an Asian girl. Her grandmother was beside herself because she wouldn't have any white grandchildren. I was shocked!
  • Coming from an immigrant family myself, when I was in prime child bearing years my family woulod have loved it if I had married another Italian.  They didn't push it really hard, but it was plainly obvious inthe way the treated the Italian BFs over the non-italian ones.I think it's more of a cultural issue than a "color" issue. I can where it's easier for the family heritage and traditions to be kept alive and moving forward if you are both from the same background.When I told my grandmother I was marrying an Australian, one of the first things she asked was "but, what does his family do for Christmas".
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  • and yeah, please forgive all those typos ^.  When will get the edit feature?
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  • I have never been, but my DD was.  She and her former SO/FI were together for 5 yrs, had 2 children together and were to have been married this coming February.  Just didn't work out. I don't care if my girls bring home a one eyed cyclops.  I care about how they are treated, respected, cherished, and loved.  While I would prefer g'babies with 2 eyes, I want them to be with the person who treats them and loves/respects them properly.  Anything after that is just details to me. I loved DD's former FI as part of our family.  He is Daddy to 2 of my g'babies so his best interest and success will always be important to me. I detest any kind of raicial discrimination and I hope that magistrate in LA loses his elected position for refusing to marry that interacial couple.  Stepping off soapbox to go get my coffee.
  • Speaking of this matter, I saw on the news, yesterday, that a couple was denied marriage by a JOP in I think Louisiana. oh, it is on the Today Show, coming up, I just heard it.
  • I'm white & my FI is Chinese.  I know his family, or his mom at least, would prefer FI marrying an Asian girl, but she likes me for now (I am told that this can change at any moment).  I did live in China for a while after college, which helps.  I may not be Chinese, but at least I understand and respect their culture.  My family doesn't care.  They love FI.  The only time we've had trouble is during the wedding planning process.  His family has all these ridiculous demands--most of them he won't share with me because he knows it will just piss me off.    
  • I'm not in an interracial marriage, but both of my siblings are.  They have had some issues.  One of my brothers was previously married to another white girl.  When he decided to leave her, her parents called my mother and said that her son "Should have married a slave from his own culture."  Unreal.My other brother and his wife have one biological child (who has blond hair) and an adopted son who is black and has dark skin.  Her parents will not do anything with their adopted grandson.  It is really terrible, he is the sweetest little boy. Mr. Penny is biracial, so clearly we weren't going to have issues with his parents, who were married in 1971! I've always dated everyone and have had serious relationships with men from different races.  I couldn't care less and neither could my family.  As long as he treated me well, that's all that matters.
  • I am white (cajun, from south louisiana) and I dated a black guy for almost 6 years. His family was fine with it, as he had never dated a black girl before, so I was no different than any of his other girlfriends, but my family had huge reservations. I dismissed them all as racism, and it caused a huge rift with my mom , until we broke up. At that point, I realized that they didnt care what color he was, but that he was treating me badly and not allowing me to be who I was. For the most part, it had nothign to do with his race. I'm not saying this is the case for you at all, but it could be that they have had bad experiences in their family with non-hispanic women and they are putting you in that category. I think once they spend more time with you and see how you guys are in love, they will come to accept you. My current relationship is not exactly interracial, because FI is caucasion, but he is a 1st generation immigrant from Romania. My family loves and accepts him fully, not because his skin is white (or olive), but because he treats me with love and respect and they can tell we are happy together. I think that is the only thing that can win families over in the end, is the happiness of their family member in the relationship. Good luck with your FI's family, and just give it time. Let them see you at your best loving and caring self, and they will see all the reasons why he is marrying you in the first place.
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  • I'm Mexican and DH is a blend of many european most noteably Irish and Italian. (He has wavy brown hair, tanner skin that I do, and hazel eyes)My family could care less and my mom is excited that her grandchildren could end up with just about any color eyes, and possibly blond hair thanks to the irish and english blood he has. Plus DH himself was born with blond hair that turned darker. His facial hair is all different colors, black hairs, blond hairs, red hairs, etc.His family accepts me but they do make a lot of comments that would make me think otherwise. I speak perfect accent-less English, I don't dress or act like a stereotypical mexican girl... I guess you could even say I'm white-washed so at times I wonder if they are just comfortable with me because of that.His older brother's wife is half black (she looks puerto rican though) and they have kids. His family constantly makes comments like "Well, I'm not racist anymore and haven't been since the day my grandkids were born" Ummm ok... And sometimes the way his mom says "black" has a toneAlso they make a lot of generalizing comments. They've made comments about "blacks", "pollacks", "jews", puerto ricans, you name it. But they are pretty careful never to say anything about Mexicans in front of me. But one time DH's other brother's wife (a white girl from NJ and now that she lives down here) made comments on her Facebook about how "all the mexicans take all the jobs down here". Truthfully I worry about them talking like that in front of our future kids but I don't think they realize what they are saying can be mildly offensive because they don't really say anything hateful, just ignorant.
  • shan-Yes it's a cultural thing.My mom always used to express the fact that she wants a real traditional Mexican girl for my brother because she wants his wife to cook beans and tortillas for him and to take care of the house. My mom is actually from Mexico, like born and raised, and in general they have pretty old fashioned ideas of how women should be. She's even said that she was going to get him like a mail-order bride from Mexico!I think your DH's grandma is just worried that because you're white, you won't be the little obediant wife because more and more American girls these days are working just as much as the men and not just staying at home cooking, cleaning, and making babies. She's old and traditional minded. I wouldn't worry about it.I've talked a lot to my mom and explained to her that my brother will end up marrying a girl who will be like one of his many female friends. Goofy, into the same kind of music as him, somewhat tomboyish. I think she gets it now because she's stopped saying things like before. She was even excited about the fact that at my wedding, he was hanging around and flirting with one of my bridesmaids. And she's Italian-Jewish! And get this, now she DOESN'T want a stay-at-home type for him anymore. Now her thing is that she wants a girl for him who is at the same level education-wise, equal money making level - someone who won't take advantage of him.As long as his family sees that he's happy, they will come around.
  • I'm not in an interracial marriage.  It's sad to see that interracial relationships still face a lot of prejudice.  I hope that our society can get to the point where we are happy for people who have found love, regardless of race.
  • puppylove, I think this thread would more aptly be named, multi-cultural marriages.  And it's not just in the US.  I have met several of DHs friends that, while are happy that he is happy, are NOT happy that I am American.  You should hear some of the stuff they say in front of me.
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  • I'm sorry you're going through this Shan - I hope that she sincerely likes you and this was just a very insensitive comment on the uncle's part. Did you or your DH say anything to the uncle? BIL is white and his FI is half Korean. To my knowledge, it's not an issue in either family, though they've been together 7 years and I don't know if there was any tension at the beginning. As far as I know, FSIL is just as accepted by my IL's as I am.
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  • We are not interracial, but FI (and his whole family) are jewish and my family and I are catholic. The only people that made comments are the grandmothers and it didn't come up until there was wedding talk. My grandmother wanted to know if FI was going to convert, and his grandmother wanted to know if i was. (we are getting married by a JOP on the beach for this reason :))
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  • I agree with PP that it's mainly a cultural issue, especially how older Hispanic generations have views on the duties of a wife.FI is a complete mutt, though mainly Hispanic.  My mom is an immigrant from Nicaragua and my dad was of Irish descent.  So no worries there.However, my FMIL has dropped hints that I'm not fitting her ideal of a wife for FI.  I rarely cook, I don't do his laundry and I can't have kids.  I have pretty much shrugged it off and I understand that it's the culture and the generation.  FI and I are very happy to have found each other, and that's what will hold us together.
  • Not to stray from the topic, but did you hear about that priest that refused to marry the interracial couple? I can't believe that people in this world are still so set in old bigoted ways... Does no one grow as a person past the age of 30?
  • Oooookay.  I wasn't around for this this morning, but here's the thing. There is a HUGE difference between RACE and CULTURE.  Mexicans- not a different race from white.  WTF people.  All this emphasis on race is what makes us go through all this crap in the first place.  To me, there IS no such thing as race, just culture.  I'm marrying my FI in a week, and I have never once thought about the difference in our appearance.  I love him, he loves me.  End of story.  It wasn't a priest, it was a Justice of the Peace in Louisiana. 
  • Dysfunction, I was appalled at that story too... the guy was like "I'm not a racist, I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." My jaw was on the floor at his cluelessness and hypocrisy. I hope they remove his certification to be a JOP, as he is clearly abusing his power. I am biracial (Korean American) and DH is white. There was some questioning in the beginning whether his grandmother would have a problem with this, but I think it ended up being a miscommunication and now she seems to love me (we'll probably never truly know). My mom (who is Korean) used to want me to date Korean guys from "good families," but has since become more flexible as my ex-Korean bf came from a "good family" but was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and his mom was fake and threw her money in people's faces. Apparently, she and my Mom are from different cultures in Korea and would have been opposed to each other there as well, so it's not even always about being of the same race. Anyway, now my mom loves DH. Shan, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Do you think it would be helpful to find out more about how she feels about you? Is it possible that grandma doesn't like M's girlfriend for other reasons and uses that as an excuse? There may be things she doesn't like about "white girls" in general that perhaps she doesn't apply to you. Not that it makes the situation any less uncomfortable...



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  • Amoro, I agree with your view on race vs. culture, but unfortunately not everyone does. Like I said in my pp, my mom and my ex's mom were from different Korean cultures, and that made all the difference in their compatibility. If ex and I had worked out, we would have been fine with our cultural differences, but our family get-togethers would be a nightmare. But as long as you and your FI consider it a non-issue, at least your home life will be peaceful on that front, so good for you guys.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • You are correct Amoro, it was a JOP. I can't believe that that kind of prejudice is still tolerated in this day and age.
  • I don't think it's really tolerated.  There are people who want him to be removed from office. I find it interesting that it happened in a state that's headed by someone not white. lol
  • Shan, I agree that it's likely a cultural thing and something she'll get over. I hope. But I understand how you must feel...I've always dated white guys for the most part (and others) and in HS I had a bf for about 6 years and his grandparents never were happy about it. We weren't even talking marriage at that point (we were 17!) but I was never able to go to family functions with them because of them. His grandfather was flat-out against it, and his grandmother was similar to the JOP in LA--she was 'okay' with black people, but didn't think they should date white people. We broke up freshman year of college (not because of that) but we remain good friends. I finally met his grandparents one time during a Christmas break--his grandfather wouldn't even acknowlege that I was in the room (still, even though we were no longer dating) but his grandmother was all too happy to talk to me since I was no longer dating her grandson. It was weird, and it still makes me sad a little. His brother just married a girl who is part Asian, and they love her. Maybe they don't think they care since her skin is lighter? I don't know, but those old hurts came roaring back because I still feel like I missed out on so much with meeting his extended family and doing stuff with his cousins, etc.--I guess I'm a little jealous of the fact that she got accepted by them and I didn't. I'm not mad that she did--I'm extremely glad she didn't go through what I went through.My FI is white, and his family is very cool with everything. So is mine. Never an issue. My mom only expressed concern once when I was dating HS bf that she worries how people would treat us (she lived through the civil rights movement and segregation), but never had a problem with me dating a white guy otherwise. My dad is with a white woman, so is my uncle, and I have about 5 cousins who are various mixes--black and white, black and puerto rican, black and cuban...we're all mixed up! =) Sorry for the ramble! That got long...
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  • I think he should be stripped of his power. I like that his main defense is that he didn't tell them they COULDN'T get married, he just said he wouldn't be the one to do it. So that makes it okay for him to treat people like that. It's like if someone working at the DMV didn't agree with women driving, he/she could refuse to give a woman her license, and she could get one at the next window. But that person should still not have that job if he/she can't keep their biases in check enough to do it.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • Well spoken Beatles!Someone give these people a chew toy to distract them.
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