Domestic Violence - LONG

jfgrad06

The mother of some friends of mine is involved in an abusive relationship. Her (future ex)husband is in prison (long story, will tell if necessary), and she has been involved with another man in recent months.Saturday, he lost his temper, slammed her agaisnt a wall, and choked her. The neighbors heard the commotion and called the police. When they arrived, the woman said they were just horsing around, and there was no problem. She later admitted to us what really happened. She even said the guy went from lashing out at her, to crying and begging for forgiveness later. Crazy much?As of right now, she's basically hiding out at my in-laws house. She rents from them, that's why they are involved. They told her to get away while she still could, and that she could stay with them for a while if she needed to. The man is still staying at her house though. He will be served an eviction notice today, and will have 24 hours to leave. Hopefully, he will leave and won't cause any further problems. I imagine he's no happy camper though, coming home and realizing she was gone, and now he's getting kicked out too. We're all a little on edge about what could happen. He's kicked down their door in the past, left threatening messages on their answering machine, even told her that he might go "pay a visit to her kids while their at work." Sorry for the long story, there actually is a question though: Since the police were already called, and she denied anything was wrong, can she still press charges against him for the choking incident? Other than taking out a restraining order, any legal advice? More safety tips? Anything? This woman is obviously terrified, and I really want to help her in any way I can. TIA.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I think the laws are probably different from state to state. I know here, if someone else witnesses the act, the victim doesn't have to press charges, they will be pressed for them. However, she needs to get a restraining order in place. I'm sure she already knows that, but the sooner she can do that, the better. I would also suggest calling a local YWCA or other organization that helps victims of domestic violence. It seems like she may have a problem with picking the wrong guys, and they can help her work on HER before she gets into another (potentially) bad relationship. Good luck to her! I think it's sweet of you to be concerned and want to help.

danieliza1127

She should go file a police report and just make it noted that the reason she said she was fine when they came to her house is that she was scared for her safety.  She should file the police report and get a restraining order.  They might not protect her should he come banging down her door, but it's best to have that stuff on file so police have a record of the problems.  If she is really that terrified of what he'll do if he finds her, she needs to stay somewhere where he won't think to look.  Her kids need to be instructed to call the police immediately if he shows up at their work.

notquiteblushing

I think she can still press charges but the police would know better.  And she can get a temporary restraining order just by asking for one so I suggest she do that too.  One of the most important things is that she has decided she wants him out.  Call the cops any and every time he violates the restraining order.  Maybe move to a different apartment and change her number.  She should also work with a domestic violence group in her area.  They may offer counseling and more safety advice.

Stackeye210

She definitely needs to follow through with the police and get this incident officially recorded.  It will help her when she goes for the restraining order.  Hopefully he doesn't mess up her house before he leaves.  It sounds like she needs to totally reevaluate the men she dates (prisoner and then an abuser).  Yikes.

jfgrad06

The YWCA is a really good idea I hadn't thought of. Thank you Vogt! I'll see if I can talk her into becoming involved in a help group, it would do her a lot of good.I feel like if she wanted to file a report, then she would have done so already. I'm glad she at least acknowledges that he's dangerous, and wants to get away from him though. Anyone know I have any right to file on her behalf? I'll have to spend a little time on Google.I'd rather see the man locked up and know everyone is safe, then to just hope for the best.

tidetravel

I would file a police report for the incident, and make sure that it's noted that the reason she lied to the police was because she feared for her safety.  Then have her get a restraining order against him. As far as the eviction, if he actually lives there, I don't know that she can evict him w/ 24 hours notice.  Most places would require 30/60 days notice, I think.She needs to get to a domestic abuse hotline and some serious counseling.  She's obviously set into a pattern of behavior, since she seems to continually find herself in abusive relationships.

jfgrad06

Her story is actually rather devastating. She was married to the same man for 30 years. They have 3 awesome kids together. She had a good job and her husband was a middle school teacher for a long time. Anyway, he got arrested for soliciting sex from a 14 year old girl online. The "girl" was actually an undercover police officer. He was arrested for distributing child pronography, indecent liberites with a minor, soliciting sex, he sent webcam feed of himself naked doing some disgusting things, etc.Long story short, it turns out the man she was happily married to for 30 years was a sick pervert and ruined their lives.

vallyhoo

Did she get counseling after getting out of her first marriage?

jfgrad06

Tide, the eviction isn't up to her. My in-laws own the house she rents. The man is not on their lease and isn't supposed to be living there in the first place. My in-laws were going to evict him whether she liked it or not, but this violent incident has them trying to get him out ASAP. FIL said if he doesn't get out in 24 hours, the sheriff will be called and he will escort him out. We're keeping our fingers crossed that there are no problems.I think you ladies are right about convincing her to seek help. I think I'll do a little research of my own and put a few things together for her - phone numbers, information, etc and give it to her.

jfgrad06

Vally, not to my knowledge. This whole thing happened a couple of years ago. I think she's mostly been clinging to friends and family for support. Most of her family lives in another state and we are thinking/hoping she will move there to be with them. She needs professional help though. Wish I could convince her to get it.

jfgrad06

Massive typos everywhere. Sorry.

vallyhoo

I hope she gets the help she needs, and I hope the same for her kids.

SarahSmile23

from what i understand, the police don't care if someone is on a lease or not. if they sleep there and have belongings there, they are subject to the same eviction laws as anyone else would be. it's strange to me that they promised to kick him out within 24 hours. that would never happen in FL!

LesPaul

Depends on the state.  Some states will press charges regardless of whether the victim wants to or not (or someone changes her mind).  Here in CO, if there is a DV police visit, SOMEONE goes to jail on the spot.  They do not leave just because the woman is coerced into saying that 'nothing happened'.  And sometimes it is the woman who goes to jail - depends on the circumstances.  Your friend has reason to be concerned about the man's next actions, since he has shown himself to be volatile and violent.  She should contact the local battered woman's resource center in addition to the police reporting.

jfgrad06

Her kids are 19-24. Despite all of this, they are still amazingly kind, fun loving people. I also second the notion that counceling might do them some good.

ScarletGem

She should contact the local battered woman's resource center in addition to the police reporting.Ditto.  And depending on the state, charges can be filed on her behalf; it's my understanding that the rules vary from state to state about how much the person pressing charges has to have witnessed personally.  If she doesn't do this, it might be wise of your in-laws or the neighbors who called the police to file for her. It's nice of you to worry!  Here's hoping things go more smoothly from here on!

jfgrad06

it's strange to me that they promised to kick him out within 24 hoursI don't know all the legal details of this in my state. What I am thinking about are the terms of their lease. My ILs may have specific terms about eviction in their lease. I'm not really sure. It may be a "we have the right to evict you at any given time" type of thing. Again, I'm not sure, I wish I knew more details.

tidetravel

If he isn't "living" there, your ILs may have better luck filing trespassing charges against him rather than an eviction notice.  Make sure they check the eviction laws in their state before they file the notice - it may be the case that if he is "living" there, that he does have the same rights as any other renter, even if his name is not on the lease.  Regardless of the terms of the lease, I don't think they can legally issue a 24 hour eviction notice.  Even if they did, the renter usually has the right to remain on the property until a court hearing, if they choose (I believe).

SarahSmile23

I agree with Tide.Also, be aware that some states define "living there" as "having property there." So even if he does not always spend the night there, if he has property there then the formal eviction steps must be followed. Law enforcement may not simply come and kick someone out without a writ of eviction being served and a court hearing. I worry that this won't be as simple of a process as everyone is hoping. If this man has any knowledge of how to play the system, he could remain there for months. Even if she changes the locks, the cops will come force her to allow him entry until the courts officially grant the eviction.

jfgrad06

Regardless of how long he remains at the residence, it's safe to say she will NOT be there with him. She is staying with my ILs for now but has plans to go visit her family out of state later this week. Hopefully, she will put in a few job applications, and make arrangements to stay.Best care scenario, he takes a hint and leaves without any issues. Worst case, we might have to wait for a court date and get involved in a messy legal battle. Either way, he will leave one way or another.Like I've said, just keep your fingers crossed that things go well, and keep this woman in your thoughts. She needs all the positive vibes she can get.