Help! Groomsman insisting that he and his wife must bring their 1.5 year old baby to our wedding...

Wintrywedder

Please help me. My wedding is in 3 months, and we have invited 280 people. The room really only comfortably fits 250, though actual capacity is higher, and we are hearing on all sides that everyone is coming. So we're already nervous. Because of the rooms capacity, and the hour of the party (6 to midnight), and the expense of the meals, we made a very difficult decision to make this an adults only affair. There aren't that many people invited who would want to bring their kids, but I have been contacting them and doing everything in my power to arrange for care for their kids, short of letting them come to the wedding. (We're sitting up one or two sitters in a hotel room, I'm going to bring over DVDs for the kids, we're planning a kid friendly event on Sunday). Most people have been very understanding and kind. Yesterday, my fiance found out that his groomsman wants to bring his one and a half year old baby. We had assumed because the child is so young that this would not have even been a question (we were worried about the 2-8 range). He insists that they have always brought their baby to weddings, and that its never been a problem before. We've offered them a sitter, but they say there is no way they would be comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter while she is still so young. We offered to even fly a family member to NY for the wedding so they could leave the child with someone they would feel comfortable with, and they turned that down as well. He has basically told us that his wife refuses to stay home with the baby while he goes to the wedding. So essentially, he has given us an ultimatum. Baby, or no groomsman. Believe it or not, this is one of fiance's good friends, and my guy really wants him there. So what do we do? If we let this guy bring his baby, can we really stick to our "adults only" policy? Do we have to open this wedding up to other people's children, to be fair? (Honestly, I feel we would be absolute hypocrites to allow a one and half year old but not the 4 and 6 year olds that we have asked to stay away). Is there anything else we can do to make their lives easier, or convince them not to bring their child?

salt78

[i]My wedding is in 3 months, and we have invited 280 people. The room really only comfortably fits 250, though actual capacity is higher, and we are hearing on all sides that everyone is coming.[/i] Dumb dumb dumb.

brookelynpaisley

Good luck getting anyone to read past that first line.

sarabellam

Ditto Salt. Now, repeat after me, "I'm sorry, we aren't able to accomodate your child at the reception." Repeat as necessary.

TheSaltyPeanut

I think GM and wife sound like an assbags. You have went above and beyond to provide alternatives for him and his wife. (jaw hit floor when I read that you offered to fly in a sitter) With that being said, I think that if you put your foot down and said absolutely not and GM backs out, you probably would lose the friendship.

lizstill13

Unfortunately if you made a 'no children policy' you have to stick to it. Everyone else seems to be okay with your policy and leaving their children with a sitter, why should these people be special? If you let them bring their child your other guest with kids back in the hotel room will not be happy and you may not hear about it, but other people surely will. You've also even offered to fly in a family member for them! Nothing will make these people happy but you giving in.http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers"> src="http://global.theknot.com/tools/tickers/tt43a93.aspx" alt="Wedding Countdown Ticker" border="0"  />

tidetravel

At this point, you seem to have given him plenty of options, from a hired babysitter, to paying for a family member to fly up to watch the kid.  It would be one thing if the baby were under a year and still breastfeeding, but IMO, 1 1/2 is not too young to be left alone with a sitter, unless there are underlying issues that you aren't aware of (if the baby needs special care due to health issues)  He insists that they have always brought their baby to weddings, and that its never been a problem before.^THIS is a problem.  Fact is that it may have been "fine" at all other weddings, but he does not get to make that determination in this case.  You are right that it's not fair to allow this child when everyone else has made other arrangements for their child.  I, personally, would not give into his ultimatum.

TheSaltyPeanut

I totally missed the over capacity first couple lines. um, what were you thinking?

lyndausvi

yikes you are between a rock and a hard place. I'm pretty mean and would tell him he would be missed.  I do not take to kindly to people giving me an ultimatum.I also do not get parents who do not leave their kids with babysitters.  My family always has babysitters.  If a babysitter can not be secured then one parents stays home.

vicmo5

So they are flying in from out of town? Or is it their family members that live out of town?

melishka716

I think what she means is that she's not at capacity, yet. It's like the table rule. You can fit x amount there, but a smaller amount would be more comfortable.

squirrly

You are being a brat.  Seriously.  Is a 1.5 year old child going to eat the same meal as a 4 year old?  Participate in the wedding the same way?  No.  Let them bring the baby.  As for 280 people in a room that is comfortable with 250. . . start working on a new way to lay out the room to make it better.  Now.  Can you add any outdoor space?  Another room?  Anything?

ring_pop

I agree that he and his wife are jerks for giving you this ultimatum when you've gone above and beyond to help them out. The decision now really boils down to two things... if you stand firm, you might lose your friendship with him, but if you give in, you could come across as rude and unfair to all of your other guests. Personally, I'd stand firm, just based on what you've told us.

brookelynpaisley

Doesn't matter, Melishka. Do you want to be stuffed at a table of 10 that's really only for 8? Or have only 4 inches between your chair and the one behind you? She invited more guests than can be comfortably be accomodated, meaning everyone will be uncomfortable. Big mistake on her part.

banana468

I agree with Lynda.  My great friends don't tell me how things have to be when I leave them plenty of options.  "Unfortunately the reception is adults only and we do understand that childcare arrangements will need to be made.  Let us know how we can help you find a sitter.  We are very sorry that the only option you are giving us isn't one that is on the table." No, a 1.5 year old child isn't a big deal at a reception but neither is leaving that child with a sitter for a few hours.  I still question the logic of parents who think that bringing their child to an event that runs until midnight is appropriate.   At 1.5 years old, that child's bedtime would be about an hour or two max into the reception time.

squirrly

He's a groomsman.  Somehow, to me, he gets more leeway in bringing the baby.  Then again, we're inviting kids.

jamm2019

I would stick to your guns about this one.  Im sorry but it is your wedding, and you do not want children.  Im sure they have had more then enough time to figure this one out, and you have given them plenty of options.  I agree that if you allow them to bring their child everyone else with children will be like WTF...It doesn't matter if they have brought there child to every other wedding that they have attended...Bottom line you don't want children at the wedding end of story. 

melishka716

True, and I understand, but she needs to define "comfortable."  

Catwoman708

You could go either way here. I have to wonder how good of a friend this is to give you an ultimatum about your own wedding. You have gone to great lenths to accommodate their needs, offering a sitter or a plane ticket for a relative to come along. They are being unreasonable. But if you say no baby, the GM might back out. Will this ruin your wedding? Probably not, and actually might simplify it a little, and save you a few bucks. But it could easily ruin the friendship. But if you do allow them to bring the baby, then you do not have to invite others to be fair. If anyone else mentions it, it's not their business. Or you can just tell them that the baby wasn't actually invited, and "eh, what could we do? Have a GM back out at the last minute?". But please, specify that she sit on an outside aisle seat, "just in case the baby gets restless during the ceremony". And remind them there is a sitter available if they want to party a little at the reception.

lyndausvi

You are being a brat. Seriously. Is a 1.5 year old child going to eat the same meal as a 4 year old? Participate in the wedding the same way? No. Let them bring the baby. So you think it is okay for someone to DEMAND to bring a guest to your wedding?  The age of the guest does not matter.  It's down right rude.And what about the other parents.  If I let a GM bring his 1.5 year old, then I would have to let my BM bring her 2 year old.  Then I would have to invite the other 40 kids in our circle.  It's never ending and has the potential to piss of a lot of people.

vicmo5

Squirrly-I don't think she's being a brat.  OP is giving them options.  If for some reason you let them bring the baby, tell them that it has to sit on one of their laps the whole time and can eat off of their plates.  That way it's not a space issue for you.

ac_in_dc

Don't stress about your #s, even if everyone comes it will be fine. Folks are there to see you and wish you well.I'd stand my ground with the groomsman, you're being totally reasonable.

squirrly

First time parents may not be comfortable with a sitter for that amount of time, though.  If the not having the baby there is more important than having the groomsman, knock yourself out.  But, I don't see the harm in letting them bring the baby.

banana468

You are being a brat. Seriously. Is a 1.5 year old child going to eat the same meal as a 4 year old? Participate in the wedding the same way? No. Let them bring the baby. I don't think that's the point.  A 1.5 yo is also too young to even try to enjoy an evening wedding.  At 4, bedtime may be a wee bit later.  At 1.5, the kid is too young to even understand the wedding.  It's not about the meal or space.  FWIW, if the child was six mos old and nursing, I'd understand a bit but even then I'd wonder why the infant had to be at an evening wedding.

SarahSmile23

Your GM is a jerk. His baby is not invited and you have created suitable alternatives for his family. Don't cave in and reward his stubbornness.Also, I know a lot of people have been rsvp'ing yes, but I guarantee you will also have sone nos. Just be patient.

goheels05

I think you should put your foot down.  They are being brats.  Unless their child has some unusual health problem, there is absolutely no reason a 1 1/2 year old can't stay with a sitter.  And since they turned down the offer of you flying a family member to come, they are obviously just doing this to make some sort of statement, which I find obnoxious.I really don't think it matters that she invited 280 people.  Could all 280 come?  Sure, but it's not likely, especially in this economy.  We had a 40% decline rate at our wedding. 

ring_pop

He's a groomsman. Somehow, to me, he gets more leeway in bringing the baby. Then again, we're inviting kids. I might have agreed with you if the GM wasn't being such a demanding jerk.

ecsmiles

Don't give in.  I agree with some previous comments that he doesn't get to dictate the details about your wedding.  Its not as though you said "sorry, leave the kid at home."  You offered a lot of very good and might I say generous alternatives.  And you will certainly upset a lot of people who were told no once they see this kid.Why is she being so difficult with staying home to watch the baby?  I think she's acting childish and needs to be an adult - stay home with the kid or leave the kid with a babysitter that you provided. 

lyndausvi

squirly - I get a new parent might not want a babysiter.  But the wife is being a brat by telling her husband he is not allowed to attend without the 2 of the them.I would NEVER tell DH he could not attend a wedding because I do not want to leave the child with a babysitter.  I would buy his plane ticket and tell him to have a good time.

squirrly

I think OP made a mistake inviting too many people to her venue, and now she's trying to find ways to get guests off the list by eliminating children & babies.  If she had discussed this with the groomsman initially, then so be it.  However, I think it's a little late now.  I do NOT think the parents are being appropriate saying that the mom won't stay home alone with the baby.  However, we have no idea WHY she won't.  And we don't know if the OP does.  So, to push a good friend of her FI's out over allowing them to bring their baby IS bratty to me.  To each their own.

polichik

You're definitely not being a "brat," as one pp said. You went above and beyond, and you should be able to have a kids-free wedding. Breastfeeding is one thing; this is another. People who believe that their precious child is exempt of all rules piss me off to no end. It's ridiculous that they turned down all of your generous offers. Btw, since these are FI's friends, he should be the one dealing with this. So, your FI should tell them this: "I'm truly sorry that none of my offers are acceptable to you. I wish you could be there, and we will miss you." If they're going to end a friendship over this, maybe it's for the best. People on here will tell you to no end that making exceptions to a "no kids" rule is something to avoid.