Online gaming and relationships?

jilybeans4

Hello all. I think this board gets people on both sides of this, so I'm curious about opinions.How much should time someone who is married/in a serious relationship spend doing something like online gaming, when their SO is not involved in that sort of thing?My DH has played video games (mostly WoW) on and off for the last 5 years of our relationship. We've had a lot of problems over the years, because for a long time he treated me like I was less important that his game. Such as, blowing off plans, making me wait hours for him to get off the game before having our plans, slacking around the house, staying unemployed too long, etc etc. It really should have been the end of us.Well, in the last year or so he quit his game completely, and our relationship improved by leaps and bounds. We still have our flaws, but we became so much closer, spent tons of time together, and basically turned into what I had always knew our relationship COULD be, if not for the game. 6 months or so later, we got engaged, and then married.Recently he started playing again, and although he has a great and stable job (and has for 3 years), makes plans and stick with them, and is willing to hang out when I ask - I still hate his gaming. It cuts down on our "non-quality" time together, so we miss out on so many of the little daily things that are hard to describe (so he doesn't get it when I try and tell him!). It drives me nuts, but i'm not sure I have a good reason for it to bother me now. Since he is so much better about how he handles his time on the game, I wonder sometimes if i'm upset less that he is playing the game, and more because I remember how bad it used to be when he played and it is making me mad because of that?IDK if that made any sense...its really hard for me to explain what it is that bothers me about it. I hope this doesn't sound like a pointless post. Any thoughts? Am I being silly to get upset about him playing the game? I mean, he is still spending probably 20-30 (or more) hours a week playing his game.... even if thats not 20-30 hours we'd be spending on "quality time" together, it means he is absent all those hours.Anyway thanks for reading all that if you got through it : )

smokeybailey

Sometimes I get home from work and my BF is playing his d@mn Call of Duty.  He has stayed up all night before to beat the game too.  It doesn't bother me.  He respects our appointments and plans so I don't care if he plays.  However, he probably doesn't play more than 6 hours a week on average.20-30 hours a week seems like a lot to me though.  I'd ask the other WoW players, is that normal for a player?

squirrly

I think you need to look at it like any other hobby.  If you'd be annoyed at him spending 20 - 30 hours a week at the golf course, then what you're feeling at least seems "honest."  Personally, I think 20 - 30 hours a week is a LOT for a hobby that you don't do together at all.  Maybe you could talk to him and agree on a max amount of time? Also - you could investigate a hobby of your own, or possibly even playing with him.  If you've never tried it, you never know - you might like it just as much!

laurenclaire1386

Sounds to me like you're scared of what it could turn into, because of your past experiences.  Gently remind DH that as all-consuming as WoW can be (personally, I've NEVER understood the appeal) he still has a life outside of it that he needs to pay attention to.  Also, find a hobby.  Something that consumes some of your time, so that you're not stuck thinking about what DH is doing vs. what he *could* be doing.

squirrly

20+ hours a week is not unusual for WoW.  Doesn't make it a good thing for your marriage, though.

jilybeans4

I think it really depends on the week, but yes, i think 20-30 hours is accurate. Like yesterday, he got on at about 8:30 am, took a break around 5:30 or so to make dinner and watch a movie with me, and then went back on at 8pm and stayed on until 2am. Granted, thats not a normal day and the only reason we didn't do anything else is because I was tired and working on thank-you notes from our wedding most of the day, and all the "house stuff" that needed doing was done the night before. Still, I felt like he could have spent his Sunday doing SOMETHING more productive than gaming for 15 hours. Most weeknights he'll spend anywhere from 3-5 hours gaming, unless we have plans or there is something we both like to watch on TV together.

ndzenowski

Makes perfect sense. I started dating my FI knowing he was a gamer and I actually started playing WoW with him 2 years ago b/c I knew if I didn't I'd rarely see him.. and it still bothers me. Occasionally I feel the games are much more important to him than me. I get mad sometimes and say something but I know that I shouldn't b/c he never neglects me for the game and has cut down significantly since we started getting serious. Have you tried playing with him? The issue you run into (and that I'm trying to avoid) is keeping him from his games.. My FI is relaxed and completely comfortable when gaming and I don't want to take that away from him. He'd never take my books or my shoes away from me (something I love just as much as he loves to game) it's just about compromising. I seriously suggest playing with him though (if you already haven't) I refused video games for the longest time and it turns out I LOVE LOVE LOVE playing with him. It gives us stuff to talk about all the time and joke about.. HTH

pag41989

Me and my FI had the same problems, back when we first started dating I could not unglue him from the computer for anything. I finally gave him the ultimatum of the computer or me and he slowed down some. He got better as our relationship became more serious. He still plays computer games but he is NOWHERE near as bad as he used to be. He has a great job, is about to graduate and manages his time on the computer. We have set aside Sunday as our "down day" and I will run errands or go see my parents and he will spend his day on the computer. That has worked out pretty good for us. Then on the other nights we will rent a movie and watch it together and then we'll spend about an hour to ourselves. I do admit... sometimes I still get angry about it but I have learned that its a hobby of his that he loves so I am not going to make him stop completely.

ndzenowski

Btw, I honestly can say he games probably 20-30 hours a week too.. I wouldn't think he has a serious problem just b/c of the amount of time.

smokeybailey

I would kick my BF's a$$ if he spent 15 hours playing a game on a Sunday.  Not because of QT but because $h!t needs to get done around the house.  If you have that much time, you can power wash the balcony or help with dinner or vacuum or something.Broken into little bits, 20 hours seems manageable but 20 hours in a row is too much.  IMHO

amalama

I don't think there is really an answer anyone could give you on how much time he should be playing. 20-30 seems like a lot to me, but it depends.I do think it sounds like you are maybe being a little oversensitive because of your previous problems. Do you want him to not play at all? What if it was a different hobby? He has to have some time to do things for himself without you.

wadingmoose

I actually started playing because FI played.  I enjoy it, it's fun time spent together and we've actually made some pretty good friends through the game - his guild is all people who have a real life connection to someone else in the guild and most live in or near our city.For me, 20-30 hours in a week isn't unheard of.  We'll play an hour or two some nights, other nights it could be 4 hours.  And on weekends we have to most people online with us so we'll play a little more.  For the most part, it's replaced the time we used to spend watching TV.He's compromised.  He plays less, has a good job, meets commitments with you and spends quality time with you.  Perhaps it's only fair to meet him halfway and be ok with him playing sometimes. Or try playing with him.

futuremrsdawes

Perhaps I'm bias as both FI & I play wow.  I hate it when women blame it for lack of quality time in their relationship.  It's perfectly healthy to have hobbies and spend time apart - if you spend 24/7 together it will most likely lead to problems.  Honestly, it sounds like you are scared of your FI becoming a lazy bum again, if there are no signs of that then don't worry.  You are blaming a game/hobby for something that he was to blame for in the first place.  If he starts slacking at work/home then maybe speak with him about the reasons.  Also, have you actually ever tried to play it with him.  I find that a lot of wives/girlfriends actually like it once they try it - and it's a good activity to do together. 

ffmaid

Well I think that everyone has the right to a hobby or hobbies of their choice. However, 20-30 hours a week on a hobby is a large percentage of the awake non work time. There are 168 hours in a week assuming he sleeps 8 a day(56 week) has to work 40 hours a week, travel to and from work 1 hour a day(5) , That is 101 hours of his week. of the remaining 67 hours the following things need to happen 1. adult responsibility stuff- laundry grocery shopping paying bills cooking and eating food, lawn care, ect ( this takes me about 2 hours a day so I'll estimate the same but situation dependent ( is he doing less of this stuff?) (14) 2. spend time with people who matter -family friends you ect (?) 3. work out and remain healthy at least 3 hours a week 4. eat/drink/personal hygeine/ect( 2 hours a day- 14 week) 5 some time alone to chill (?) 6. some time to improve ones mind or skills(?) Well what is left is 36 hours for all the stuff in sections 2,5,6. So 36 hours of optional time and 20-30 of that time being spent on a game means that most likely he is not accomplishing the rest of his duties.

jilybeans4

I guess I don't know how it works, but can I even play with him at this point? He's the highest "level" and I'd be starting out from scratch. I think i'd be more annoying than anything as a newbie when he's being doing this for so long! I do like to read, I have a bunch of shows I watch, and I plan to start scrapbooking again whenever I get my pictures from the wedding back. I also have plenty of friends I can hang out with/talk to, so its not like I "need" his attention all the time - I just feel like what is the point of having a husband if we miss out on so many of the day-to-day little stuff of being together? Some evenings we barely talk at all and that gets pretty old.  

tidetravel

only reason we didn't do anything else is because I was tired and working on thank-you notes from our wedding most of the day, and all the "house stuff" that needed doing was done the night before.I fail to see the problem here.  It's not like he was shirking his responsibilities or abandoning special plans the two of you had made.  Just because you "feel that he should be more productive" doesn't mean that he felt that way.  It's quite possible that he just needed a "down" day.

kate51485

20-30 hours could be as much or more time than a part-time job.  It seems excessive to me, but neither FI nor I play video games other than Wii -- which is not often and always together -- so I don't know much about them.  I think if I weren't busy doing my own hobby for a vast majority of that time that I'd be sad.  Your phrase willing to hang out when I ask also caught my eye...you shouldn't have to ask to hang out with your spouse.  I don't think it's silly to be upset about it.  If it's really affecting your relationship, I think you should discuss it again.

ndzenowski

ffmaid- that is SO not true. I play probably 20 hours a week (sometimes more) I'm a full time student, I work 20+ hours a week, I do my homework, and I have what I think is a fairly healthy relationship. How many hours a day do you read or watch your shows? Of course FI can watch your shows with you and spend time with you, but they can also game with you.

ricksang

My first H and I divorced because he was a gamer and I wanted to do other things in life. He was/is a really great guy, but I could not handle the gaming. That being said, it sounds like your H has made some major changes for you by quiting his gaming completely. He must not have been happy though because he went back to gaming, which is okay. May advice to you is to accept his gaming or don't. He is going to be unhappy if you make him stop. You are unhappy with him playing. Can you ask him to cut it to 20 hours a week? Can you find something to do while he is gaming?

lpstl

Have you thought about playing with him? What hobbies do you have that take you away from him? If he's choosing the game over doing quality things with you, then you probably need to talk about it. I used to play, so just ask him to let you know when he's got scheduled raids (just like he would let you know if he had plans to go golfing). Try to work around that before assuming that this is going to turn into a problem again.

ndzenowski

OMG jily! NO! Join him, ask him to start a new toon and lvl up with you.. and if he's raiding or doing stuff with his guild as a higher up, level by yourself or read or watch tv.. or something. But seriously, if you started showing interest in something he obviously LOVES doing, I can almost guarentee he'd be pumped to have you join him!

wadingmoose

Well, I suppose it's up to him, but yes, he can still play with you even if he is at the top level.  When I started playing, FI created a new character to level with me and help me through the game.  As I've leveled other characters, he comes with his top level char and destroys stuff for me when I need help.Is he willing to do that?  That's up to him.I will admit that we're at the point where we need more time away from each other rather than time together.  WTF do I have to do to get him to leave the damn house already?

pag41989

I think you should sit down and have a serious convo with him. The fact that some evenings you don't talk at all isnt good Even if my FI is playing, he leaves one side of his headphones up over his ear so me and him can talk about our day while he's playing.

ricksang

Playing with him is a good option if you like gaming. I know my exH's new wife plays (or used to play) with him.

Mrs_AF

I'm kind of on the fence about this, only because I don't live with FI and we're thousands of miles away. BUT his freshman year of college, he was very into WoW. It became a problem because we could only talk on the phone at night (we both had classes during the day and work) and he would be playing it while we were on the phone. I could tell he wasn't listening, and it caused a bit of a strain because I felt like he was spending "our time" on the game. I brought it up to him, thinking it would be a fight, and he totally understood and stopped playing.Now, he doesn't have time for games, but when we're married and he's done with his masters, I don't think I'd see it as much of a problem. I like my alone time as much as he does, and it helps him relax, especially if it's just for like an hour or so a night. We're just so used to having our own time and our own schedules that it would seem unfair to deny him something like that.

lyndausvi

Ummm.. that is a tough one.  I Knot more than DH plays online games.  It does not effect our relationship.  

jilybeans4

Thanks for the insight everyone. I totally agree, he should have a hobby and I don't have a problem with it a lot of the time - for instance, there are probably 6-8 TV shows I watch regularly, and if he doesn't want to watch them too, I think its great the he has something else to do that leaves me my time to watch TV and do what I want. Maybe its just fear that makes me upset now. WoW has a bad connotation for me because of all the crap in the past. I am glad he has something that makes him happy - I just wish it was something that hadn't caused so many issues in the past : )

futuremrsdawes

One of the things that a lot of people who don't play wow don't understand is the fact that you build relationships/friendships in that game - I talk to a lot of my "wow friends" more than I talk to my "real life friends" - to ask someone to give up friendships so you can sit on a couch and watch TV together is ridiculous.  As far as playing 20-30 hours a week, that seems about average.  Before my FI & I started dating we both probably played about 56 hours a week, now we play much much less because we are planning our wedding and live together.  It's about priorities but it's also about not giving up something that is important to you and that you enjoy.  Play the game with him, you can get a free trial download from their website - it doesn't matter if he's at the highest level - it actually makes leveling for you easier because he can run you through stuff.  Even if you never played like he does it might still be something you can share together for a couple hours a week and wouldn't make you feel so out of the loop when it comes to his hobby.

lpstl

Should have read all the responses, ignore my last post.Yes, you can play with him. He can create a new toon or use a lower level one he already has. It's a lot of fun, and if nothing else will give you greater perspective on why he loves it so much.

lannerjarv

my husband is an avid gamer (xbox360/ps3 etc) and i knew that when we got together that it was his hobby and that men don't change. lolhe was playing on average 30 hours a week, and now he plays about 10-15.  Because I have been creative in coming up with other fun things for us to do together, he isn't bored and defaulting to his consoles for something to do.but it is a passion, and a hobby and you can't really harp on him for that considering you knew what you were getting into when you married him. what is your idea of "quality time" together?

noelle24

20-30 hours for WoW is not unheard of.  And if he's part of a raiding group, some instances can take 3+ hours to run through to completion.  And you can't really just drop out halfway through because you'd be screwing over the rest of your group.  My point is that it's not something you can necessarily play in 20 minutes blocks here and there. As long as he's gainfully employed, isn't breaking plans, and is willing to do things with you when you ask, I'd try to relax.  It sounds like he's much better about things this time around than before. That being said, 20-30 hours a week is a LOT of time.  Are you just afraid to ask for more "couple time"?  Maybe try asking for more *quality* time, and then you won't miss as much of the non-quality time.Also, you could try either playing with him, hanging out with friends on your own, or finding your own hobbies that you love just as much.IMO, it's not really fair to ask him to give up something he loves just because you want more "non-quality" time. That sounds a little crazy to me.  Try to think of compromises that would make you happier, while letting him continue to game.