Wedding Etiquette Forum

Jerky or Innocent?

My fiance's aunt, whom I've only met once, briefly, just sent me this message on facebook, without even befriending me first.....jerky or innocent? "Hi, ****. Just got the wedding notification in the mail. Very cute. But, please correct your records. Somehow the envelope got to me although the address was incorrect - so - here is the correct address - ******. Also, our last name was spelled incorrectly. The correct spelling is ******. Okay, that should do it for now." At first read, I was offended because she presumed I was responsible for the mistakes even though it's obvious I obtained her information from my fiance's family, as well as presumed that I was also solely responsible for the Save-The-Dates. I was also initially irked that she bothered to look me up on facebook and message me without friending me, and without trying to contact my fiance first. Secondly, the typos were very minor, as evidenced by her receiving the STD in a timely manner. I know I'm overreacting by analyzing it at all, but I just found it annoying to deal with such petty things when it was completely unnecessary, and when we are nearly strangers. Thoughts and suggestions on how to respond? Thanks!

Re: Jerky or Innocent?

  • Well, I don't think it's 'completely unnecessary' given that you'll be sending out invites eventually and you'd want those to get to the person you're sending them to. It's hard for text to convey feeling, so I would try and take it with a little less defensiveness if I were you. Just reply and apologise for the error and thank her for letting you know.
  • I would thank her for getting you the correct info and let her know you're updating your records. I'd also apologize for spelling their name incorrectly. And that you look forward to seeing them at the wedding... The address is not big deal, and she probably would have let it slide if you hadn't gotten her name wrong. I'd be embarrassed about misspelling the name. Sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear :(
  • You're over reacting.  Is her tone absent of hearts and rainbows? Sure.  Is it jerky or ill intented?  I seriously doubt it.  This is probably just someone who is a matter-of-fact straight talker and you're reading all this meaning into it that isn't there.  Respond with a "Thanks for letting me know, it's be corrected" then let it go. 

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  • I also find it odd why you would be offended that she didn't friend you but messaged you.  I would think it would be more odd if someone who was basically a stranger DID friend you just to send you a message.   Facebook is probably just the easiest way she could think of to contact you electronically.  Do you have some variety of bone to pick with his family, or this woman specifically?  Because honestly this all feels very petty and assuming.  It seems like you are looking for reasons to be irritated over this (non) issue. 

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    "Whatever East. You're just mad I RSVP'd "lame" to your pre-wedding sleepover."
  • I appreciate your responses, and you're absolutely right that shouldn't be offended by her simple message....I think the big issue is that I'm not even the one responsible (my fiance addressed the envelopes and sent them out), yet she presumed I made the mistake. I guess it's my inner-feminist coming out. I'm proud that both my fiance and I work together on our wedding, and I think it's slightly old-fashioned to automatically presume the bride handles everything.
  • I would thank her for getting you the correct info and let her know you're updating your records. I'd also apologize for spelling their name incorrectly. And that you look forward to seeing them at the wedding... This, exactly.  And I understand your inner feminist issue but I think her contacting you might stem from the fact that historically wedding invitations were issued by the bride's parents.  And most likely she doesn't know your parent's name/contact info- but knows yours. 
  • Ditto that she was just assuming the bride/bride's family's traditional responsibilities of handling the invites.  It's not up to her to know that your FI helped with the invites.  As a guest, I would have been a bit peeved that my address and my name were incorrect, especially my name which btw, is not a "minor typo".  I don't think it was a jerky thing for her to do at all.
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  • Well, call me crazy, but if that was the exact text of her email, I think it's a bit discourteous of her to not at least have more of a greeting, i.e. "Hi JHS, Got the STD and am really looking forward to coming. FYI, my info is this: etc. etc." If it were me, I'd probably open my response with, "Hi Xxxx! It's so great to hear from you. I hope everything is well." and then apologize for the mistake and forget about it. I agree with pps that it's nothing to hold a grudge over.
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  • I think the big issue is that I'm not even the one responsible (my fiance addressed the envelopes and sent them out)If it were me, I would just send her a message back and say something like "Thank you for letting us know!  FI took care of his side of the family so I'll make sure he corrects those mistakes.  Have a great day!"Then I'd get over it.  It probably won't be the first time this happens during your wedding planning.
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  • It probably won't be the first time this happens during your wedding planning.I meant to say it probably won't be the LAST time this happens.
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  • I think it was innocent.  I would reply saying, thanks and I'll change my records as well as let FI parents know their information is wrong as well.  Hope to see you at the wedding! and leave it at that...  
  • i'd be thankful she corrected me and I'd feel badly that they went out incorrect. It's ok to make mistakes and be wrong from time to time, but you have to learn to take feedback more graciously.
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  • I wouldn't make too much of it, just a reply something like 'thanks for letting me know - Janie gave me your information and there must have been some miscommunication about the address and spelling'.
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  • Your inner feminist may be coming out, but I think you need to rein it in a bit.  It's easy to assume that the bride is handling wedding things like invites.  It's great that you have a very involved FI, but let's face it, many guys aren't psyched to help out in that department. Did you really expect her to spend extra time finding out WHO exactly made the mistake when a quick message to you will serve to correct it? Just in case she offends you? That's unrealistic.  If you *really* feel the need to enlighten her that your FI made the mistake and not you, I'd follow danieliza's advice.
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  • I usually find that the older crowd on facebook doesn't really "get it". They don't know that maybe they should friend someone then ask, she just probably thought she would get to you the quick way, and also avoid being possibly rejected as a friend. I don't think she was trying to be rude, she probably just wanted to make sure she got her invite in the mail.
  • She's probably aware that you had to get the information from someone else.  By going to you, she doesn't have to say to her siblings, "THIS IS MY NAME.  Can you get it right when you give it to other people?  Kthanksbye."And she's probably just trying to get you to not make the same mistake others do.I have a first and last name that are commonly misspelled.  It irks me when those who don't spell my name correctly have either known me my entire life so they'd be aware of at least the first name spelling and they also received wedding invitations stating exactly how to spell the last name.  It's not petty at all to want those details accurate.   I personally think it's sloppy when they aren't. 
  • i'd be thankful she corrected me and I'd feel badly that they went out incorrect. I agree with fishy! I'd be pretty embarrassed that we sent out so much incorrect information. I'm positive she knows you got the info from someone else. She just wants to make sure it's correct next time so she doesn't miss the invitation.
  • I think it is fine. Old people are strange sometimes, meaning my dad can't type worth a crap and it would have taken him 15 minutes just to type that... and he has FB. Relax :)
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  • I know I'm late to this and don't know if you're still reading, but yes, I would be annoyed too. Even if you were the one who did the addressing (and yes, that's an annoying assumption), obviously you got the information from your FH or his family. So why contact you and not him? FWIW, I do think it's valid that she wanted to make sure you guys had the right info. I like danieliza's suggestion of a response -- an apology and the assurance that you'll let your FH know to update his records.
  • Thanks, all! I took your generous advice and handled it gently, and referred the information to my fiance. Thanks for calming me down....I knew you would bring me to my senses during a freak out moment ;)
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