WWYD - Long

littlerockerchick

Hi everyone.  I am planning my wedding for fall of next year, but I have run into a snag before I have even got a chance to start.We want to have a small wedding, one MOH, one best man.My sister and I have never had a close relationship.  She knows it, I know it.  Everyone knows it.  She is very unreliable, and just recently was diagnosed with Bi-polar, which has just made it worse.  She has started medication, but is not stable as of yet.For these reasons, I have decided to have my cousin stand in as my MOH.  We are far closer, and I know that I can trust her with this responsibility. The other day I was at my parent's house discussing the wedding and my mom asked me "Have you thought about your sister being your MOH?"  I replied "I have thought about it, but after long consideration I do not think that I will have her stand with me."  I explained my reasons to her and she said "You know she will be very heartbroken.  You can always have two"  I told her that I wanted to keep the costs down and I don't want two.  This effectively ended the conversation.My sister then was over on the weekend.  She asked me if I had thought of anyone to be the MOH, and when I didn't say anything immediately, she said "Oh, touchy subject eh?" and started talking about something else.How can I confront this without feelings being hurt.  I am so stressed right now, and I don't know what to do.  If I had known that this was going to be such a PITA, I wouldn't have wanted to have a wedding at all.I don't want to elope.  I want my family there to celebrate with me, but not if it's going to cause me such stress.TIA for your help.

Kati0105

Honestly it sounds like both your mom and sister took the news well, so I don't see what the issue is?

georgia_bride09

Sounds like sis already knows it might not be her. Just tell her you chose your cousin because you're closer to her. Sister =/= automatic MOH. Why do people think this?  

Brie2010

Her feelings will be hurt.  No buts about it.For these reasons, I have decided to have my cousin stand in as my MOH. We are far closer, and I know that I can trust her with this responsibility. There is no responsibility, other than to put on a dress and show up.If I were you, I'd just let the sister do it if it means that much to her.  Really, you're out what, an extra $40 for her bouquet?  Is it really worth all the family drama?  Have them both.I dislike my grandparents but we're giving them flowers to wear at the wedding anyway because it's $20 and it avoids a whole lot of drama.  It's not worth the fight.

lpstl

You should have just told your sister you picked your cousin and been done with it. It doesn't sound like anyone is being overly dramatic about it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

She changed the subject. She didn't slug you. I think it's all good.

TiDa2009

I'm guessing that your sister's response to your hesitation means she probably already knows she's not MOH.  You'll just have to tell her that you've chosen your cousin becuase you are much closer to her. Do you think that given your relationship with your sister, that she would choose you as her MOH?  If not, then I'm sure she'll understand.  

tidetravel

If you chose your cousin as your MOH because she is closer to you, then that's fine. If you chose her over your sister because you don't think that your sister will be able to fulfill the "duties" of a MOH, then it's a crappy reason. MOH is an honor, not a job. MOHs are not obligated to help you plan, go dress shopping, make favors, etc... If you chose cousin for the right reasons, all you have to do is explain to your sister that you are closer to cousin than you are to her.

brittjoy84

Tell your sister the same things you told your mom. Sounds like your sister expected it to be this way.

mwhitson14

You're being a smidge overdramatic, IMO. Why do you go from not wanting to choose your sister as your MOH to automatically saying you don't want to elope? That doesn't make a lot of sense. It sounds like your mom wasn't that upset, and it's not like your sister came right out and asked to be your MOH.

littlerockerchick

The problem is that my mom still "babies" my sister.  I know this is not the end of it.  I want them to know that this is MY wedding, but I don't know how to do it.  I often feel ganged up on with the two of them.  I know the drama it can cause when heaven forbid someone disagrees with what my sister wants.  She can be very manipulative (but I don't dare say that to anyone)

lyndausvi

Since you asked. I would just have her in.  To me your reasons are not worth hurting  my sister over.  I also did not give any responsibilties to my BM so there were none for her flake on to begin with.But since both your mom and sister seem to take the news well, the guilty seems to be coming from only you and not pressure from them.  If that is the case, then maybe you really do want her?    

mwhitson14

[i]I want them to know that this is MY wedding, but I don't know how to do it.[/i] That's because it's not YOUR wedding. Your FI is in there somewhere too.

lyndausvi

oh, let me clarify.  I would have sister as a BM, not necessary the MOH.   Having 2 people stand with you is not a big deal.

lpstl

Clearly you only have 2 choices:A. Don't let them run the showB. Elope

BubbleJ

I'm in a similar situation. And when I told my sister that I would be picking people who actually liked me to be in my WP she didn't care. My mum, however stopped talking to me for over a week. So you will piss people off, but stick to your guns. If you don't want her up there then you don't have to have her. And don't elope over this.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

It seems as thought everyone is fine with this, except you. If you feel so guilty that this situation will haunt your dreams, just have 2 attendants. Unless your wedding consists of 5 guests total, it won't look out of place. It's not any worse than having one.

katiewhompus

So...I'm sure there's a ton of back story but I'm sensing all the drama coming from you, and not everyone else. Your mom asked if you thought about your sister being your moh, that's not a crazy out there question. She was honest with her response, yes she is probably going to be hurt that you didn't ask her, and there is an option of having two. She wasn't saying "if you don't have her as your moh I'm disowning you", just giving you an alternative.Changing the subject instead of forcing an awkward answer out of you is a rather mature and adult way of dealing with that disappointment. She didn't cry, kick, scream, or try to hurt you, so I would say she took it rather well. What did you think was going to happen when she found out she wasn't going to be involved?You don't confront this, you drop it. If it comes up again you say "I already asked Cousin" and leave it at that.

carrieoz_76

Honestly, most of this type of issue can be addressed by just directly and kindly telling your mom and sister what you're doing (when/if they ask), and then doing it. You don't need a long drawn-out explanation, and you have to accept that not everyone will like your decisions.  But that's life.

nuremenosh

You asked what I would do... I would have the sister. I know you are trying to keep costs down but can't you spare an extra hundred for a gift and flowers?

Kristin789

>>The problem is that my mom still "babies" my sister. Well, you are a grown woman who is getting married - which is the traditional end of being a parent's responsibility.Your sister is struggling with an internal imbalance, which she just recently had diagnosed as a treatable imbalance and now she's started medication.  Your sister, then, is NOT able to be responsible and reliable, and your mother obviously knows that she still has mothering to do with your sister.  Your mother might even feel responsible/guilty for your sister's imbalance and imperfections.  So your mother is "dealing" with your sister.  I'm not sure that's the same as "babies.">>I often feel ganged up on with the two of them.That's more your problem than theirs.Try getting this book at the library or the bookstore or Amazon or wherever:"Approval Addiction:  Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone" by Joyce Meyer,and you can use those strategies to be your own person who would never be "ganged up on with the two of them."