Small Wedding/Larger Reception??

jenn.atx

We were initially planning a VERY small wedding and a small reception... just immediate family and those that would have been our attendants.  40 people-ish (of course, including a guest for everyone).  We figured by keeping it so small, it would spare other peoples feelings.   Plus the venue we love is so small, we couldn't include more.   Since then, we have been having serious regrets over all of those people we won't be inviting... and would love to have if we had the bigger wedding.  Here's my question.  Is it totally rude to have the small wedding above and have a larger reception just following the wedding???  We absolutely love the small wedding venue... In a back yard of a bed/breakfast in our favorite part of town.  But there is a limit of 40 people that would fit.  We have been able to find some great locations for a reception, just not a wedding.  We haven't been able to find any other available options for the ceremony.  Also, we wouldn't want to have a later reception (weeks/months) since most of my FHs "would-be" groomsman/guests are coming from all over the world.Let me know if you think this is the most terrible idea ever... (but go a little easy on me, it's my first post).THANKS!

Brie2010

Is it totally rude to have the small wedding above and have a larger reception just following the wedding??Yes.Basically, it's sending the message, "You're not important enough to watch us get married, but you're important enough to bring us a gift."You can't have both--either have the 40 person ceremony and reception at this awesome location, or have a less awesome location and invite everyone.

crfische

I did this. As long as it really IS immediate, I think it's all right.It worked out perfectly for us.

ootmother2

private ceremony, immediate family, less than 30 is probably okay.More than that, it's a tiered wedding and rude.I would choose another site for the ceremony or have the ceremony at the reception site.

jaimebeth9

Since it's your first post, I will go easy on you. Personally, the only time I'm cool with a small ceremony large reception is when it's literally the two of you and parents/siblings.  In your case, if I wasn't one of the 40 I wouldn't care to attend.  Contrary to a lot of people, the ceremony is my favorite part.

sarabellam

It's generally frowned upon to have a tiered wedding and reception. How would you feel if you weren't important enough to witness a friend's wedding, but you were important enough to be invited to a reception so that you can bring a gift? Of course, this is better than having a big wedding and a very small reception.

lyndausvi

I've been to 2 weddings like that and I did not have an issue.  People who have DW have AHR.  Which to me is the same thing. I do think that you should have a VERY small ceremony compared to the reception. Say only 30 or less percent.  Example a 40 person ceremony and a 100 person puts more focus that people are not invited.  A 10 person ceremony and a 100 person reception seems okay.

kebmtm071605

I really think you should decide which is more important to you...the dream ceremony location or having everyone you want to celebrate with you.Both are valid choices.  If you decide to 'have your cake and eat it too' however, I think you're setting yourself up for some potential hurt feelings.

Brie2010

Contrary to a lot of people, the ceremony is my favorite part.I agree.  I really love watching wedding ceremonies and I think I'd feel slighted as a guest if I wasn't invited.Also, if your logic is just, "The ceremony venue is pretty," that doesn't hold water with me.  If you were saying, "We genuinely just want it to be us and our immediate family for a very intimate ceremony" I might feel differently.

nda_roxybabe

T's sister did this. She kept it truly immediate family and it was fine. All of her friends and other family knew and loved the couple and they were all okay with it.

crfische

We had about 25 guests. With the bridal party, musician, and pastor, we were about 40. With about 200 people that we boozed and fed and danced.

Leah&Christian09

This is fine, but you need to keep the ceremony really small. Cut it down to about 25 people. Do parents/siblings/WP only.

SarahPLiz

IMO, this is ok. I have been invited to a wedding reception only, and I had no qualms about attending. I didn't see it as a gift grab by the bride and groom, because I know them. They are not the gift grabby sort of people. They just couldnt hold as many people as they wanted to in the small country church that it was a family tradition to marry in. Also, I thought a reception was supposed to be a gift for your guests, to celebrate your marriage. I think it is perfectly fine to invite your friends to come eat, drink, and celebrate with you for any occaision and without the expectation of the gift. If someone is throwing a reception as a thank you for your guests' gifts, and not just to celebrate and share the love, then why don't you both save the cash and buy whatever you want for yourselves. In my head, either the reception is a gift to your guests for celebrating with you or the reception is a gift giving occaision where your guests give you gifts, but not both. If both reasons apply, I think that is a bit redundant. It all depends on how you look at it. I know that etiquette states that you should avoid this situation in order to avoid hurting others feelings, but if others feelings are not actually hurt, then there is no damage done. You are taking an etiquette risk, though, so be prepared for backlash.

Kristin789

Do engagement photos in the backyard of the bed/breakfast in your fav part of town.Do the ceremony at the reception location - in a different room or on the patio or outside or whatever. Try these 10 most romantic venues, all of which can accomodate a larger group; http://austin.about.com/od/lifestylespecialinterest/tp/top_austin_wedding_venues.htm

SarahPLiz

Nice try PP, but some of those places paid to be on the list, and have the ego and price tag to match. If you need venue recommendations, try the Austin board. We are pretty active for a local board.

squirrly

As a guest, I don't mind this so much if the ceremony location is one that has significance to you (family church or home, etc.) and has a max capacity of 50 or less.  If you chose the place just because it's pretty, that's not a good enough reason to exclude me from the ceremony.  So, in your case - find a new ceremony venue, or expect a fair number of folks who aren't invited to the ceremony too to RSVP no.

wadingmoose

I think it's fine.

teacherlady79

We invited about 60 people to our ceremony, and 200 to our reception.  However, the 2-hour ceremony was at our VERY small western rite Orthodox church, and it was family (including most extended family) only.  The ceremony was extremely traditional, and our friends didn't mind not being invited to it--rather, most were relieved they weren't expected to attend.  It depends on how your group of friends would feel about it, but it makes more sense if you are having a traditional ceremony in your small church or something like that.

angnron0529

We are actually doing this on saturday!!  In our instance this is not our first marriage (but it is our last) so we didnt want to go huge.  We are having the actual ceremony at FIs parents house with immediate family only.  Both sets of parents, my  children, FIs brother and SIL and 3 best friends of over 20 years which are our "siblings" in our eyes.  We are having a backyard reception at our house on sunday.  We will have pictures and video of the ceremony there for anyone who wants to see.  Over all we have had positive feedback from everyone.  There have been a few people asking if they were invited to the wedding and thought they should be considered "family", but we have been able to get thru that.  I do agree with previous posters tho, if you are just having the small ceremony because you "love the location" that is asking for trouble.  You need to truely keep it family only or there WILL be hurt feelings.  Either way good luck!!