Update/Advice? Long

tigger9922

Ok, some of you may remember the ridiculous family drama that took place at my reception.  (over assigned tables)  Well, I finally spoke to my mom about it after receiving a cold voice mail from my aunt about my grandmother's pin I had worn on my wedding dress.  I knew that talking about everything that happened with mom was a mistake, but it sort of happened.  She seems to think everything is fine now, but honestly, it isn't.  I get angry (not really to her) every time I get off the phone with her and have no desire to be around her.  She made it very clear that she blames SIL for the whole thing and even said she still feels like "knocking her out".  The thing is, I feel like everyone acted ridiculous and could've handled things much better, and I'm trying not to blame anyone....so why can't they just suck it up and be over it by now?  It wasn't their wedding that was ruined....and I really think they are making this more than it needs to be.  My mom also played it out like a big pitty party because "she" missed my reception and can never get those memories back.  That infuriates me to no end.  It was my reception and I missed most of it because I was crying uncontrollably after she left.  She had no just reason to leave me.  Yes she was upset at SIL, but really?  You couldn't suck it up for a couple hours and avoid her?  I'm sorry, but I just don't know how to make it ok, and stop being angry at mom for continuing to make things awkward for me and DH.  Now I'm worried that with the holidays coming up, my family won't welcome us (because their feelings are still hurt), and I will look as though I'm favoring IL's because they have no issues over what happened.  original post and followup http://talk.theknot.com/boards/main_frame.aspx?page=ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=9U> http://talk.theknot.com/boards/main_frame.aspx?page=ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=9

laurenclaire1386

Ummm...this all sounds very interesting.  But you linked this page.  So I have no idea what's going on.

scoetto

I know what happened at the reception but what happened with your grandmother's pin?

tidetravel

Your links don't work - they just go back to the PE board. I don't remember exactly what went down, but I remember it being really screwed up. Personally, I wouldn't worry about it "looking like" I favored my ILs this upcoming holiday - because I would.If you haven't already called mom out on her childish behavior, I would.  I would also tell her that your feelings ARE hurt, that she was the one that hurt them, and exactly how she did it.  Regardless of what SIL did to her, she had an obligation to you, her daughter, to be there for you on your wedding day.I have NO patience for adults that act like spoiled children.    

Nebb

The underlining in your sig is breaking the entire thread, fix it.

betrothed123

Nebb,It's not  her sig.  It's her links.

julezlee

I'm with Tide.  Your mom did a crap thing and she should be called out for doing it.  You shouldn't feel guilty because you've been hurt.  I wouldn't want to see my family if they did that to me.  How was your relationship with your mom before this?

tigger9922

sorry about the links ladies.  I'm not sure why they won't work.  here is the original post.  And nothing really happened with the pin, I wore it on my wedding dress but it belongs to my aunt now, and I guess she was worried I wouldn't give it back. IDK.  Its really stupid, but that sparked the convo with mom about the wedding. She defends "her" family because they were hurt and embarassed by SIL...apparently.   From: /cs/ks/user/default.aspx?UserName=tigger9922','_blank','toolbar=0,location=0,directories=0,status=0,menubar=0,copyhistory=0,width=990,height=700,scrollbars=1,resizable=1' )">tigger9922 Date: 9/13/2009 at 5:53 PM Good news, I got married yesterday!Bad news, apparently some of my cousins (who didn't bring the people they RSVP'd for) decided they didn't want to sit at the table that was designated for them.... When I was informed of this by my FSIL (reluctantly), I asked my MOH to please go explain to them that there was a reason and a purpose to the assigned seating. The problem was with one of the parents' tables so it was pretty important that they cooperate. They were rude and obnoxious to 3 of my bridesmaids, so I was upset the entire time my dress was being bustled. I went up to find out what the problem was and was greeted with hostility myself....this caused my cousin to cuss me out in front of guests and call my wedding party liars, and storm out. Followed by my aunt crying and leaving and my MOTHER following her. Um, really mom? You would leave your own daughters reception over a bridesmaid supposedly being rude to your niece? My mother wasn't even around for any of the incidents. I'm so confused by it and still very hurt. I spent the first hour of my reception in the bathroom bawling and trying to find my mom. The rest of it trying to force myself to enjoy what was left and try to be sociable even though I was devastated by my mother's absence. She never even said she was leaving....just walked out. How am I supposed to get past the fact that she missed such an important event and made me miss out on moments I can never get back? She's my mom and I love her, but right now, I can't see past the anger and how this will ever be right. Thanks to anyone who made it through this....sorry it was so long. I just had to get it out.

tidetravel

Your mother's entire side of the family are idiots.  Personally, I wouldn't spend any holidays with any of them until they apologized.  And meant it.

banana468

I have the kind of relationship with my mother where I can say, "I really need to tell you this.  I know you keep saying that you missed the wedding but every time that's said, I feel like you're saying it out of guilt.  You left my wedding and *I* can't get that back be cause *you* chose to leave."I know that conversation can't work with everyone but I'd have to clear the air with my mother to let her know why it bothers me every time she brings it up.

tigger9922

yeah, I did talk to her about it during our conversation.  I told her I felt like she kept making it about herself and she said that she was just trying to tell me how she felt and why she left....she never got that it doesn't really matter why.  There was no real justification and the fact that she thinks she is the victim just eats at me.  I haven't said anything else since then, because I know it will just go round the same circle and I really do want it all to be over.  She is listening to how her sister and niece feel instead of standing up for me....and I don't know how to get past that.  Not to mention, I sent my cousin an email appologizing that she got thrown into the middle of it and for how I approached her (no matter how justified, I still could've handled it better).  And they are all still acting like it was just so horrible for THEM, and they just aren't over it yet.....and my mom is the one that keeps telling me that.  Like it was just some ordeal for them, and my misery is secondary.  Thank you for listening, this really helps just to get it out there and hear objective opinions.

banana468

I think you have to say that.  "Mom, it really hurts me that you're not standing up for me - not only as your daughter but as the person who tried to handle things appropriately and STILL had people try to ruin her wedding day.  I can't get that back and I'm ready to move on but what hurts more is that I feel like I don't have the support of the woman who should be closer to me than anyone.  It's awful feeling like my family doesn't support me when I'm not the one who created a scene at my wedding."And I'd probably stop conversations for a while.  It wouldn't be a 'bean dip' type of thing for me.  If it was brought up again I'd say, "I really think I have to go now.  I'm sorry."

tidetravel

I agree w/ Banana.  Although my version of the conversation would probably progress as follows:What do you mean YOU'RE upset?! YOU have NO right to be.  YOU chose to miss YOUR OWN DAUGHTER'S wedding for some stupid, petty bullshiit!  I CANNOT believe that you, a GROWN adult could possibly act so childish and selfish.  I TRIED to do the right thing.  I DIDN'T make a scene.  The ONLY person responsible for this entire drama is YOU.This conversation is over.  WHEN you decide to APOLOGIZE for being a selfish child, I MAY consider talking to you again.Yeah.  Probably not the best advice ever.

carrieoz_76

Your mom sounds like an extremely self-centered person, and she's clearly just trying to justify her unjustifiable behavior.  Don't let her.Sometimes, when someone does something big and ugly (like this) you need to tell them that their behavior was hurtful, that it doesn't matter how they were feeling or why they did it - it was hurtful nonetheless, and that you need them to apologize.  Then leave it in their hands.  Really - don't talk for a while. I had a friend do something really selfish and hurtful to me a few years ago - a good friend - and I finally just told her that she'd really hurt me, that it didn't matter why she did it, and that I needed her to apologize.  She didn't for like 4 months, and we didn't talk during that time.  Eventually, she did apologize, and we moved on.  You can't hold a grudge (although I learned from what happened), but at the same time, people need to learn that it doesn't matter why they did a bad hurtful thing to someone that matters to them - they just need to own up and apologize when they do.I'm sure it would be hard to close to my mom if she did something like that.  I would probably need some space, and if she tried to bring it up and explain again, I wouldn't engage in the conversation - either change the subject immediately or stop talking to her about it.  She doesn't get to try to make you feel bad again for something that she did wrong in the first place - no matter how justified she thinks she was.