I haven't been around in a few days...VENT

amlewis83 · October 2009

(warning, this is a little long) I am not sure if this really qualifies as a vent, but that is what I am going with. I just need to let this out and it's easier to tell a bunch of strangers than my own friends.So, the past few days FI and I have been totally fighting. It totally has me out of the wedding mood. It is just so disheartening. I have no doubt we will get through it all, but it just feels awful right now. There were some lies involved. I kicked him out Tuesday night. We have been talking. I gave it a good 12-15 hours before I would talk to him, because I was not only angry but happened to be sick as well. It has just been an exhausting week. Now, FI leaves tonight, with the Army Guard, for 3 weeks. I think the 3 weeks might be good at this point, but I will still miss him. He is coming over at noon today to get some clothes, talk, and say goodbye. I told him he a lot of making up to do. Normally, I wouldn't be so forgiving and lovey so quick, but I just want to give him the biggest hug and tell him we will get through this. I don't want him to go away and feel like there is no hope. Did any of you go through any very trying times prior to marriage? Words of advice? TIA

arbolita · October 2009

Are you guys doing premarital counseling?

crfische · October 2009

What are you fighting about? What is he like when he gets angry?

bbyckes · October 2009

We're going through a rough patch right now too. I'm sorry for the troubles you and FI are experiencing. I think it helps to know that you're not alone. Happens to the best of us.

Night_Sprite · October 2009

Kicking someone out is a pretty major statement. What did he do?

crfische · October 2009

I don't consider her kicking him out of the home a "rough patch." That's some serious schit right there.

Nebb · October 2009

I dont see anything wrong with hugging him and telling him you love him, but pointing out you have issues to work out and communication to work on. You really should end up learning something from this about how you fight, how you deal with frustrations in your relationship and how to compromise. Fighting isnt BAD, its just hwo you handle it that can be (well.. and possibly what caused it?). The space will be a good chance for you to map out how you feel and what you need, same goes for him. Just express that to him.

Night_Sprite · October 2009

What is up with you, Cacoffer?

amlewis83 · October 2009

We are going to look in to counseling when he gets back, we talked about that. I don't want to get in to specifics about our fighting but it has to do with lies about money and where it is going.

Brie2010 · October 2009

FI has never lied to me, but we've struggled before with depression (both of us) and unemployment and some other rough stuff. Sometimes all you can do is hug and promise him it will get better with time...and it will. It will get better. Hang in there.

crfische · October 2009

It will get better. Hang in thereThat isn't always true. Money is a huge issue in relationships. It can get better if you both decide to work on whatever is going on, but if one of you isn't willing to work on it, it isn't going to magically get better.

Night_Sprite · October 2009

Money is often a dealbreaker, especially if one person is lying about it. That suggests some major issues. I'm sorry, amlewis.

Stackeye210 · October 2009

We had to learn how to argue. We had two completely different ways of dealing with our emotions. Premarital counseling really helped explain our feelings. It was the best thing we ever did. We come from two very different upbringings and we had to realize that we were building a family unit of our own where there wasn't any right or wrong way, just our way. We needed to learn what "our way" was. I hope everything comes around and you can figure this all out. It's hard to deal with this. Definitely don't leave it unsettled for the next 3 weeks though if that's possible.

bbyckes · October 2009

We're just having communication issues. I'm going through a bout of depression, so I think that's a contributing factor. I'm seeing someone and we're both together in a couples setting to learn how to communicate more effectively. We're learning that it's a very common problem.

Night_Sprite · October 2009

I'm glad you're working through it together. You can FB me if you need to talk.

LesPaul · October 2009

Yes, we sure did. Most of the difficulties were because of our respective 'baggage' - four teenagers, our exes, different views of family, etc. But through discussing things up front, and being honest about it, and deciding we really wanted to make things work in spite of these difficulties, we are doing fine. I think your plan to meet today and talk about it is a good one, and maybe a little time apart will be beneficial for you both. Good luck, and hang in there!

amlewis83 · October 2009

I know kicking him out is drastic, but I was just so thrown when I found out. It's not a forever thing, his stuff is still here. His dad lives 10min form us and I just needed him to stay there for a few days while we talked things out. We now have a plan, but now he is going away. He seems willing to do anything to gain back my trust. I think we will be fine in the end. I am just taken back by it all.

bbyckes · October 2009

That's very sweet. Thanks, Night.

jessjo04 · October 2009

That sucks, I hate to hear things like this. DH and I had some rough spots, like any relationship, but never to the point of kicking him out or leaving myself (since he paid the rent when we were engaged. Leaving for three weeks makes it more difficult, you dont want to leave on bad terms, but arent ready to make up yet. I think him being away will be a good time to work on your communication with eachother. I don't have much advice, but keep us updated.

tidetravel · October 2009

Unfortunately, since he is leaving tomorrow, the only thing that the two of you can do is to hug each other, tell one another that you love them, and plan to work on things when he gets home. Holding a grudge is never healthy for either party. Depending on the situation, you may want to look into financial counseling in addition to pre-marital counseling. Try to learn to build an effective communication base, and a solid financial strategy if you can prior to marriage. It will make things a lot easier.

atobias1 · October 2009

This may sound weird but even though DH and I aren't having problems, I would still be up for Couples Counciling. I just think it's good to have time set aside to talk about our relationship regularly. Things that may be bothering us, celebrate our accomplishments. I don't think couples counciling is a bad thing at all. I feel like it keeps communication lines open. Esp when it's so easy to get caught up in life... you just forget to talk sometimes.

jfgrad06 · October 2009

Brie, your FI has NEVER lied to you? Not once? Not even a little white lie? That's hard to believe IMO.

[Deleted User] · October 2009

FI and I went through a rough patch when he first moved in. It was over silly stuff like his cleaning habits and the fact that he has a tendancy to snoop, bless his heart. We had to set some boundaries and it took a lot of communicating about what we needed, but it's worked out just great. You'll get through it. Just talk to eachother about what you need.

Night_Sprite · October 2009

I think money doesn't qualify as a little lie.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · October 2009

We really didn't go through a rough patch. We're both pretty good at knowing our strengths and weaknesses and talking about them without making the other person feel bad. We were very lucky.I do think kicking him out indicates there's a pretty big problem. If you need to be away from him so much that he can't be in the same house but a different room...that's a big deal. And I don't blame you, money and lying are huge things in a relationship.Use the 3 weeks to really think about what's going on and your trust issues and communication, etc. Don't just try to get over it or wait for him to come home so you can make up. Really think about what you need and want from the relationship to make it work - which means trusting him and dealing with your problems as they come up rather than booting him out of his home.

amlewis83 · October 2009

Thank you all for the encouraging words. The only ones who know about it all at this point are my mother and my sister. It helps to talk about how I am feeling but I don't want all of my close friends to know about our problems.

ring_pop · October 2009

I told him he a lot of making up to do.Of course, I don't know the details of your fight or the situation, but this is never a good way to start the make-up process. It puts you in a power position and him in a weak position. You need to be on even ground to start working it out.

SwedishChick2011 · October 2009

Cacoffer - I know what you're going through with the communication issues. It's so good that you're getting counseling. Probably one of the big reasons I got divorced was because the communication had completely broken down. Not trying to scare you - if you are both determined to work through it, then you will.

jfgrad06 · October 2009

I also second what ringpop said

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · October 2009

Brie, your FI has NEVER lied to you? Not once? Not even a little white lie? That's hard to believe IMO. Why is that so hard to believe? I can say with absolute certainty that H has never lied to me. He's a terrible liar, so I'd know if he tried. But, he told me when we first started dating that if he felt the need to lie to me about something, then he'd know it was wrong. Or if I was judgy about things, then he'd know I wasn't right for him. I tell him everything. Even when I know it will piss him off. If I can't be honest with him, who can I? And if I'm willing to lie about one thing, why not another?