Overzealous Sister-In Law To Be?

kayrae318

So... my fiance and I have already had a sort of rough time with this wedding. One month after we got engaged, we found out that my parents (who were SUPPOSED to be footing the bill) were getting divorced after twenty five years... and would offer no financial assistance. We had just closed on our first home, and so planning went on hold (well, minus my dress that my mom told me to buy and put on a credit card- and then stuck me with the bill. Nice.) Anyway, so this past month, after talking to his parents we decided to do a destination wedding since we would have a hard time housing all of the out of state family. To twist the story even more, my fiance's brother just got engaged.. to a girl his family hates, he hates, and he almost left two weeks ago (his stuff is in one of our spare bedrooms.) They have been engaged two or three days and already she is planning the engagement party, and it pretty much seems she will be trying to overshadow our upcoming wedding in May by throwing some huge gala that we can't afford, since we have to foot the bill. Is it wrong of me to be upset that she's doing this? What should I even do?

[Deleted User]

I will pretend not to have seen this post if you DD RIGHT now.

lyndausvi

do not worry about what she is doing.  There will always someone in your circle who will have a bigger wedding.  It does not mean it will be a BETTER wedding and more importantly it does mean they will have a better MARRIAGE.Let it go and just move on with your own plans.

opalsky007

I don't even know where to start...You're right that your FBIL's FI shouldn't be planning her own party, or expecting you to foot the bill. If you choose to throw them a party, that's your gift to them, and she should have no expectations. If she continues to be a PITA, send her here, and we'll fix her for you.I'm sorry to hear about your parents, and that you got surprised with the bills...but this is reason #3495717 you should have planned a wedding you and your FI could afford. I'm not quite sure what your comment about housing out-of-state family means. Did you plan to pay for hotels for everyone coming in for the wedding? That's nice if you can afford it but not necessary.

tmm140

I am not going to lie, I would be jealous for a hot second, but you can't control family situations. This happened to my friend (parents divorced, she became financially dependent for the wedding), she dealt with it and it is turning out nice so far. A lot of people pay for their own weddings and any help they get are definately appreciated. As for your FBIL, it's not your brother, let him make his decisions. You can think about how much she may suck, but you really have no true say in the situation. If there are throwing a huge wedding...good for them. Usually people have engagement parties as soon as they get engaged. Let them, make your wedding your own and don't compete. If you start doing that, YOU become a bridezilla and seen as a snot.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry that your parents are getting divorced. That really sucks. Is it wrong of me to be upset that she's doing this?Yes. Who cares? It's not a competition. What should I even do?Be happy for her and continue planning your wedding.

tmm140

NCV--that is too funny...I forgot to mention at the bottom of my post I hope this is MUD, but then I hope not because I took the time to write something semi-meaningful.

brookelynpaisley

Oh where to start? I'm not going to bother, since you're going to DD anyway. All I can think of is a whiny voice saying "Mommy and Daddy won't pay and she's steeeeeeealing my thunder!"

kayrae318

I think I kind of made that a run on sentence that was hard to understand- I feel like she is going to throw some elaborate wedding (because her parents are paying) and invite all of my fiance's family when I can't because our ceremony only allows up to 20 guests. We can afford our wedding, we held off on planning to make sure of that. I think I am just mad because his brother has always kind of tried to one-up us with his girlfriends. I just don't want my fiance's family to think any less of me because we decided to do a DW. And I don't want her to overshadow our big day. I would be happy for them if I didn't feel like my fiance's brother proposed for no reason. All he does is talk bad about her to everyone. And they treat each other like garbage. Kind of hard to be happy when it's a sham.

SarahPLiz

Were you saying that she is throwing aparty you can't compete with, or that you are footing the bill for her party. If its the former, then who cares. everyone has their own finances and can throw whatever kind of party they want to, even though it is bad etiquette to throw your own engagement party. If its the latter, then don't throw the party. You don't have to. The bigger issue with them is why he proposed to her when he supposedly hates her.. YOu worry about your own situation and plan a wedding you can afford and don't give her a second thought. It sounds to me like they might not even make it to eh altar after all.

redheadfsu

No one is supposed to pay for a wedding. Lots of couples pay for their own wedding. Guess what, you now don't have to put up w/ parents controlling the wedding since you are paying. If you want a huge gala wait & save. Don't hate FSIL just because she can afford to throw a big party. 

[Deleted User]

It sounds like you are disappointed and jealous that her parents are paying for her wedding and you have to have a small DW because that's what you can afford. I think you need to sit back and find some positives about having a DW. For me, I wish I was having one. I've always loved the idea of a DW for not only aesthetic reasons, but also for the fact that they tend to be smaller and more intimate. If you are truly that upset about not having a large wedding, why not postpone your wedding and save up until you can afford a larger scale wedding?

SarahPLiz

No amount of throwing money around and creating the perfect appearance can cover up an ugly inside. I think that no matter what type of party she has, FI's family will be inifitely more happy for the 2 of you, since you have an actual relationship.

jajph1974

I agree with cew.Maybe you could get a part time job and put all of your earning into a wedding savings account?

kayrae318

I really did make that hard to understand. Sorry. She is talking about throwing her own engagement party like two days into them being engaged. She picked out her own ring, was with him when they bought it, and even watched the ring box for it to disappear so she would know when he was proposing- this all seems kind of weird to me. I am fine with our destination wedding btw, for the one accusing me of being whiny- I don't care that my parents aren't paying, it just put a waiting period on things, because I am only 21 and a student and working full time. If I thought the girl was worth his brother's time, I wouldn't even probably care that she was already trying to assault us with all these plans she has.

Moneypenny424

There is no point in getting upset about their wedding.  It will be after yours and at your wedding, no one will be thinking "hmmm...I wonder what FBIL and FSIL have up their sleeves for THEIR wedding."  People will have bigger, more lavish weddings than yours.  You have what you can afford--getting married isn't really about throwing a party.

Moneypenny424

because I am only 21 Not to be mean, but this probably explains a lot.

kayrae318

Maybe I am being a jerk about it. I don't know. I really like where we are getting married, and I am really excited. I just don't want his family to think less of me because they all could come.

lyndausvi

you are overthinking this. If they really hate her as you say.  They would see her big wedding for what it is, nothing but a big show. They will see your DW for what it is.  A beautiful union between 2 people.

redheadfsu

No one can truly know everything about someone else's relationship. I know lots of couples where the girl was involved in picking out the ring & she knew when he would  propose. Don't judge unless you are with them 100% of the time.  Most people have engagement parties right after they get engaged. (I didn't) She shouldn't host her own party, but whatever. Let her have her moment too.

kayrae318

I guess I am just too concerned with other people will think (for example, relatives who can't come to my wedding but can go to hers). Which is pretty stupid. What was said about it not being about throwing a party is right. I guess I just went on the defense because this all happened so fast, so I really didn't have time to let it register. Plus I found out about it on through a picture text and on facebook, because they didn't bother telling anyone. So I guess I just got caught up in the tackiness that they are bringing and start being ridiculous myself. And that wasn't mean about me being 21 and it explaining a lot.. it does. I have a lot to learn lol.

lyndausvi

btw - I designed my own ring (diamond came from MIL).

Moneypenny424

The more I hear about this FSIL, the more ridiculous she sounds.  She sounds tacky (did they tell you they were engaged or about the party on facebook?) and I'm sure more of that will come through as they plan their wedding.No one in your FIs family will look down on your for how much you can afford for a wedding.  Don't worry about that at all and just enjoy your planning and wedding!

kayrae318

Well that's cool that you designed your own ring. I guess if you knew them, you'd see what I was saying. It is so bad all of our friends were talking about an intervention- including the one who lives with them right now... to tell him it's a bad idea.

SparrowSong

If she's really into upstaging you, what will really annoy her is your perfect indifference towards her efforts and your perfect contentment with your wedding.If you can't actually do that, fake it until you can.

kayrae318

And the reason I posted this was because I was suddenly upset when I saw about the engagement party.... on facebook. Hahaha. So yes.

Moneypenny424

Sparrow is 100% right.  Don't let her push your buttons.

brookelynpaisley

I agree with SparrowSong. You need to let everything this girl does go. My FSIL is kind of similar - major attention whoore. She started planning openly months before they were engaged. Is it annoying? Yes. Can I control what she does? No. But I can control how I react, and I simply choose not to. She's the one who's going to look like a bridezilla with her $100K wedding (her dad is wealthy). But our $8K wedding was beautiful, perfectly us and everyone had a great time and not once was I stressed or biitchy. That's what matters.

lyndausvi

your FSIL sounds like an idiot.  I personally do not like my brother's wife.  But what are you going to do?  She is an idiot, we all know it, he still married her.  Now we all just have a good laugh at their expense.She is not worth the all the time and emotions you are putting into her.Just let it go

cbvcru67

If I were in your shoes and another member of my family were getting engaged and married so close to me, I think I would be worried about comparisons too.  But in that respect, I think a DW wedding is probably the best thing that happened to you and FI  (not the divorce that caused it!).  Think about it this way - these are two entirely differently styled weddings.  There really isn't any way to compare them anymore.  Your size vs her size, vs decor, vs dresses.  It couldn't be more different unless you JOP'd it and had a bbq afterwards  (which also could be a ton of fun!).  Get what I'm saying?   Put your fears at ease, she IS being an AW, and let her spend frivolously when you know you and your FI are making good choices and starting a great life together.  Your FSIL and FBIL could only be so lucky to be as happy as you two, you know?  If you are keeping track, long term you are going to at least be tied for first place with a happy marriage, if not the clear cut winner.

tmm140

I think this is just a jealousy issue. Not saying you shouldn't feel like that, like I said I would be jealous for a hot second too. Ignore EVERYTHING that is going on with them and focus on your relationship. I started focusing on other things during wedding planning and DH and I really would get into arguments...worse then we ever have. Now that the wedding is over, I see the relationship that I truly loved and I realized it was all just ridiculous. I am sure things will work out with your wedding.