NWR: Need help dealing with my mother (LOOONG post.)

Micky15

I'm at the end of my rope when it comes to dealing with my Mom, so I'm asking for some help from you ladies. I think I really need the insight of people who can be unbiased. My mom and I have a rough history together. When I was a kid, we got along much better. She left my Dad when I was 13 and moved in with her asssshole boyfriend. I know you might be thinking I'm not over their divorce, I'm jealous she found somebody new, but trust me, that's not the case. If her boyfriend was a nice guy, I'd be thrilled for her. Sure, when you're a kid, your parents getting divorced is a tough pill to swallow. But My Dad has a fiancee, life has moved on. She likes to deny the awful things she does to people. She will make fun of my grandma (her mom) right to her face or when she's in the next room but can still hear what's going on. She talks trash about my dad and his family, saying they brainwashed my brother and I against her and that's why we "hate" her. The stories I could tell are endless. When I moved out west, I lived here for six months and came home for my college graduation. I didn't have enough tickets for her boyfriend to come (only enough for my dad, my mom, my grandparents and my brother), so she refused to see me graduate. She and my brother got into a fight one Christmas so she let her boyfriend kick us out on Christmas Day. We had to wait an hour in the snow for my Dad to come get us. She says mean things and then when you confront her about them, she says, "I didn't do that." We got into a big blowout about two months ago. I had to go in for hip surgery and when I called her to tell her the date had been set and I was, in fact, going to have surgery (it had been iffy until then) she said, "Ok. Thanks for calling." I waited a week and when I didn't hear from her again, I asked my Dad if either he or my step-mom could possibly fly out and stay with me for a week. My FI was working long hours and after surgery I wouldn't be able to walk - the dog would need looking after, the house would need cleaning and I would need help with just taking care of myself. My step-mom came out. When my Mom found this out she LOST it. She wanted to know why I hadn't asked her to come and when I explained that I didn't think she had wanted to (she had told me just a few months before that she wouldn't be able to vacation out here again this year because she was laid off, she couldn't help me buy my wedding dress because she was laid off, etc.) and that if she had wanted to come out, she should have told me. I'm not a mind reader. She said, "Well I didn't think I'd have to compete with anyone else." I told her should could come, that I was sorry, I didn't know. She said she didn't want "second place." She stayed mad for THREE WEEKS. And when I called her, she was still piissed at me. I told her I had enough of her. I really just exploded on her - I told her I was done with her crrap, I wasn't going to walk on eggshells around her any longer. We were done. It's been about two months now, and I just got an e-mail from her, asking how I am, as if nothing had ever happened. (That's how she deals with things - she ignores them until they go away. Or, she will hold a grudge until she dies.) I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm sure I have done a lot of things that piss her off too, of course. It's human nature. My Dad and I fight sometimes - I tell him he's being a jerk, he tells me I'm being a jerk. We laugh, we move on. Same with me and my brother. But I don't think I can keep living my life by dealing with her like this. I used to just let it wash over, I tried to accept that she's just crazy and has unpredictable mood swings. But I don't know if I can keep it up. Help.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm sorry. :-( Your mom sounds like she just doesn't get it. She doesn't see how her actions impact other people. My mom can be the same. Unfortunately, the best advice I can give is to see her as a flawed human being and try to live with it as best you can. I expect my mother to complain to me about how my father doesn't talk to her since she divorced him. I don't expect my father to follow through with most things. Everyone is human, and I think everyone realizes at some point when they are adults that their parents are no exception. If you expect the worst, you won't be disappointed.At least your dad and his wife sounds pretty reliable and cool.

stace1814

Are you my sister?  Cause my mom is exactly like that.  I've just kind of accepted that she's never going to be the person I want her to be and I have stopped expecting anything out of her.  I'm sorry you have to deal with it.  I know it sucks.

louisvillebride21

I don't know how popular this opinion will be, but I feel that sometimes you need to cut toxic people out of your life, even family. I would think it would be a little easier to keep contact at a minimum since you don't live at home anymore. Could you just have an email relationship? I know that sounds horrible, because she is your mom. But if things are bothering you this bad, you can't just let it continue.

squirrly

I think you need to decide what you value more - having her in your life, or having the calmness that's around when she isn't.  It is unfortunate that she's not able to be an adult about many situations, but she's shown you consistently that is just how she is.You may be able to have a limited relationship with her.  Just keep in mind what she likely can and can't deal with in a mature way, and only have conversations with her on those topics that she can deal with appropriately.  If she starts down the road of something else, tell her calmly that you're not open to discussing it and change the subject.  If she persists, end that conversation & talk to her another day. 

sarah0725

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your mom.The best I think I can say is that you should remember that the ball is in your court. You don't have to take her crap if you don't want to, you don't have to accept her invitations to places if you don't think they're going to turn out well, you don't have to answer her calls if you think she's calling to be unpleasant and you don't have to stay on the phone with her if she is yelling at you. You're an adult and to me, you sound like a strong one. Lean on your FI when necessary, and don't engage your mom unless you want to.Not sure how much that helps, and not sure I can follow my own advice. I am trying to learn how to let go when it comes to my family, and it is not easy.

Micky15

Thank you so much for all of the advice everyone. It's nice to know other people get it. There are a lot of times that I miss her and get upset that I can't have a "normal" relationship with her, and other times I'm glad I don't have to deal with her. I have thought about taking her out of my life (you know, removing toxic people) but I always think, "She's my mom." That should count for something, anyway. (I hope. lol) I've tried having a limited relationship with her, but it makes her mad. My brother can talk to her once every few weeks and she doesn't care. The same rule doesn't apply to me. My boss was away for a few weeks so I had to run the entire newspaper by myself. When I did get a chance to call her, she was MAD. And then she wouldn't talk to me. I think this is going to have to be the route I take though. I tried for a lot of years to just accept her for who she is and not expect anything great from her. But the things she did still disappointed me. Maybe I'll be able to accept them later on? I'm not sure. I think we should go to counselling together, but that doesn't work when we're a few provinces apart. And yes, I am really glad my Dad and his wife are such good people. I'd have been lost a long time ago without my step-mom. lol Thanks again ladies!