How much help is too much?

bsb6h

Hey ladies! I have a wonderful family and family to be and everyone wants to put forth ideas and help out so much! I really appreciate everyone's contributions, but because so many people are helping to pay for our special day, I feel like I need to do exactly what they want me to instead of what I want. Id love to hear your advice on this- if people are paying for things, or volunteering to do things for free, how much should I let my visions and ideas go to the wayside?

[Deleted User]

Personally, I think a wedding contribution is a gift.  No one gives a birthday gift to someone and tells them exactly how to use it so a wedding gift should not be much different.  Unfortunately not many people abide by this theory so you might have to listen to their ideas and try to incorporate them somehow.  If it gets to the point where you are giving up your vision completely I would say something to them.  They may not realize what you want.  Or you could always pay for it yourself and not worry about their opinions.

jamm2019

If you let your visions and ideas go to the way side, it is not your wedding, and you will probably regret it in the end, or in a few years.  My husband and I, my parents, and his parents contributed to our wedding, and no one ever told me that things had to be their way.  Everyone said plan the wedding you want...Some people will say who ever pays has the say, but I don't fully think that is right.  This is your wedding, not your parents, or your FI parents wedding.  They already got to have their wedding.

kikibaby

For the people that are paying, you do need ot at least take their advice into consideration.  But, if they want you to do something that you are totally against, just explain why you don't want to do it.  Most people are not that set in their idea that they won't listen to what you want, too.Just remember that they're trying to be helpful, although I know it often comes off as pushy (trust me- I know).

tidetravel

I think there's a difference if someone offers to pay for one aspect of the wedding, like the flowers or the invitations as opposed to someone financing 1/2 the wedding.  If your parents, for example, are paying a good chunk of money, then they would have a bit of sway over the wedding.  Ideally, money for the wedding should be a gift, but that's not usually the case.  Ultimately, if you feel that there are strings attached to the money, and you are compromising the feel of your wedding, you will have to either find a compromise, or decline the money altogether.

squirrly

If it were me, I would talk with the person offering up the idea about what YOU want.  If they are totally against it, to the point that they refuse to continue to help if you go with said idea, then you will need to decide if doing it your way is more imporant than having that person's help.  I get the feeling that if Jane is offering you money for flowers & makes a suggestion about the flowers, you're just going with it - instead of presenting your own ideas to her at all.  You don't have to toss what you want just because they offered a suggestion.  Have a conversation with them & see if they're ok with what you want after all.

redheadfsu

Unfortunately money brings strings. Now you don't have to do exactly want they want, but you do need to listen & try to  make them happy. It is a balancing act, your happiness vs theirs. If the request is out of the ball park, talk to them & explain why it is impossible. You can also decline an offer of money or help if you think to many strings are attached. 

IrishBrideND

Yes it brings strings. IMO if they are paying for it, they are "throwing" you the party and therefore should have a huge say in things. Some do it as a gift, but I don't see that as the norm or necessary.

Leah&Christian09

When someone offers you money, you need to be pretty direct about their expectations.  Some parents will write you a check and don't care.  Others expect that you'll go with their guest list.  Others expect that you'll do everything their way.  It's hard, but being direct up front can prevent any misunderstanding later.  If someone expects more control than you are willing to give up, politely decline their offer.

sudslover

Do you have an outline of what you would like?  Maybe if you had a concrete plan, then you could refer to that when offers are made.  "I've been thinking about my wedding for a ong time, and I've decided on (fill in the blank) because of the  (bouquets, flavor of cake, ... )  they can provide."  If you would like to help towards that, I'd be so grateful (or something along that line).It sounds like you have already been swayed some, so maybe you would just meet with the individuals and explain your vision/dream and ask for their help in creating that for you.  Best wishes.

bsb6h

Thank you all so much for your suggestions! I will definitely try them out and Im sure it will work out beautifully! Ill let you know how my discussions with people go in case your dealing with a similar situation!

jamipoo79

Stick to your wants for your wedding. Their money is a gift and you should be able to spend it to make your day what you want.

egeiger

I got married 4 days ago and I still feel like it was a complete waste of money and energy. All day, when things weren't like I wanted, I kept my mouth shut. Now, I have huge amounts of frustration that the day wasn't as planned. Talk about an expensive frustration.  So, do it how you want it done.  It doesn't matter where the money is coming from - its your only day, so you and hubby should be happen.