Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is it necessary to invite?

Me and my fiance have dated for 2 years now. My fiance had a friend who seriously offended me twice during our courtship. He has been completely disrespectful to me (for instance he tried to trick my fiance into going to visit his ex while she was in town until my fiance got wise to him, when I got upset and asked him why he was being conniving he ignored my question and now avoids me like the plague whenever we are in speaking distance, which doesn't bother me cause i am ignoring him too). But this issue has come up. Neither my fiance or myself have any interest in inviting him, BUT my fiance's parents and his ex-friend's parents go way back. They expect to be at his wedding no matter what and my fiance's parents are old-fashioned. They believe in inviting ppl simply because they are worried about them being offended if they AREN'T invited. I have no problem inviting the ex-friend's parents, neither does my fiance... but now the ex-friend has told his parents he's looking for an invitation too. I am looking for an apology and explanation and to be honest I kinda don't need one, I just don't like him and I feel my wedding day should be full of ppl who WANT us to be together (to my knowledge at least) and respect our relationship. Am I being petty? As of right now homeboy is NOT on my A or B list.

Re: Is it necessary to invite?

  • Who is paying? If the answer is you, there's no need for you to invite his parents if you were opposed to it- let alone this guy himself. It sounds as though you're happy to have his parents come, which is fine; if you're the ones paying you get to decide if this guy gets an invite or not. If your FI is not close to him anymore, I can't understand why he'd even want to come, in any case.
  • Are you two able to pay for this reception?  Do either set of parents care (if they're paying) if you don't invite this person?Really your FI should handle this one.  Is he "done" with the friendship?  Does the guy know?  A lot of guys aren't very verbal people but perhaps a, "Dude, you haven't exactly shown that you wanted me to be married in the first place.  Why are you wanting to go now?"  may be something he needs to ask.
  • No you are not being petty. The main reason to invite guests is (a) you want them there because they are special to you and (b) the guest wants to be there to share in the happy occasion, because they wish you happiness. If you are paying for the wedding, you get to decide. You need only tell the parents, that the ex-friend was not invited because he has been insulting to you in the past and tried to cause problems in your relationship, and your FI no longer considers him a friend. If the parents are paying, they are free to invite him, but make it clear it's against your wishes. As he obviously does not wish you well. You might ask them which would be worse: a little awkward moment if their friends ask why their son is not invited? OR to invite him, knowing he has insulted you, does not support your marriage, and risk him causing more offense or insulting you at the wedding? If they do end up inviting him, ask them to please, please, please not let him make a toast or get anywhere near a microphone, unless they want to be embarrassed in front of all their friends.
  • Just because this guy is expecting an invitation that doesn't mean he actually gets one.  It's okay for you guys to invite the guy's parents and not him.  I'm sure it will send a message loud and clear so be prepared for that, but stick to your guns if it's important to you.It may help to explain the situation to your FI's parents so they understand why you aren't inviting the ex-friend in case the invited parents ask.
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  • Just don't invite the guy. But are your FI's parents even pushing that he be invited?
  • Thanks for the replies! Very helpful, pretty much in the same direction I am going. He is getting no invite. In answer to questions asked, myself, my fiance and both of our parents are contributing to the cost of the wedding with me and my fiance paying the most. I did have a talk with his parents recently and explained to them the situation in greater detail. We agreed to invite the ex-friends parents and they back me on not inviting the ex-friend, in fact they said if they are asked by his parents why he was not invited they volunteer to explain why and if they seem offended they will be adviced that the decision to attend is up to them but the invitation to their son is not up for question. I feel better about this. I just can't imagine what mess he might've tried to pull at my wedding and how it could escalate. Thanks for your reponses! They have led me in the right direction! :-)
  • I'm glad that your FI's parents understand the situation now. Hopefully it won't be an issue for you.
  • I do think you are being petty, but no you don't have to invite them.
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