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TJ!

Now that I know for SURE you're awake- let me hear this soapbox of yours!Background for my situation: As I said DH has Asperger's. It's a recent diagnosis (in the last two years) and I can tell he feels simultaneously relieved and upset by it. Relieved because he finally has an explanation as to why he has certain habits, trouble with some things, etc. Upset because he hates the autism label. I try to get him to just concentrate on using the information to understand his issues which he was previously so bothered by, thinking somehow he was broken. And it doesn't help at all that his ex-wife used to pick on him relentlessly for some things related to it, like the fact that he has random moments of clumsiness. That's a motor control thing, beeyotch. God I want to find her and poke her in the eye.

Re: TJ!

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    I understand the upsetness because I struggle with it myself for a lot of reasons.And no matter how much of a grown up I am supposed to be, picking on certain things about me is always going to get my back up, because unlike the whole "I can't help it/excuse" type people, Ihave spent my entire life... you know, helping it, and, for lack of a better word, using therapy and other support methods to learn to be "normal" for anyone looking at me.Last August, Buddy and I went to CA to visit with some of his family who hasn't been told, and I don't see any reason for them to be, really, and one of his uncles, who is totally awesome, was completely drunk and spent 10 solid minutes trying to teach me to use chopsticks, while I tried to explain that it was never, ever going to happen. He was so determined, I almost cried at the sushi bar.
    On bed rest since Groundhog's Day and every day since has been exactly the same.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    Yeah, without knowing what he had he managed to do a lot of work to get over the obstacles. He taught himself to read and show appropriate body language for the most part pretty well. He still has moments when he can't control his facial expressions very well but only when he's very stressed. He doesn't tell anyone and I don't blame him. It's no one's business. I just wish he didn't see it as a diagnosis as much as an explanation. Just an explanation for some of the things that are just part of who he is.
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    Just clarifying- he did not have to teach himself to read. He had to teach himself to read body language. I'm an idiot.
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    An explanation is the first step to learning how to work with HOW he works. I am happy to see another person not looking for an excuse, but realizing that with some work, you can learn these things.I've had the benefit of years of work knowing what I was working with, but he shouldn't be discouraged - even now, I have things that I can only describe as embarrassing. And I know how he feels. When I slip or mess up, I don't want to excuse myself, I am just so embarrassed.
    On bed rest since Groundhog's Day and every day since has been exactly the same.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Blog
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    Ha. That is pretty hilarious. And I knew what you meant about learning to read body language and stuff.As far as helping him out, it is definitely something you can work on together if he's down for it, I think. But I wouldn't expect him to be 100% cooperative with you right away. Like, as an example - Phil's really affectionate and for over a year I kind of have been ducking out from under his hands after a moment or two and just finally got up the nerve to tell him that I couldn't stand the feeling of his gentle patting and touching and such and that's why I move away from him a lot, and showed him a more tolerable method of showing affection. After more than a year. (I don't know how to explain that situation without it sounding kind of oddly sexual but it wasn't at all). You could probably be very helpful by explaining things that he might not "get" in as non-judgmental a way as possible.And don't forget about yourself. Buddy actually said something really insightful a week or two ago about how difficult it can be to be with me, in that he can't just keep anything back in terms of feelings or thoughts the way most people can, for self-protection - he has to continually put all of his feelings in every situation right on the line, out in the open for me, and it can be really diffcult for him to do that.
    On bed rest since Groundhog's Day and every day since has been exactly the same.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Blog
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    He doesn't seem to have any physical issues that I'm aware of. If anything, he seems to like constant steady contact- like putting his hand on my back/shoulder and just leaving it there. That works for me, so we're ok. I think the very wost it ever effected us was with the whole "be as specific as possible" issue. I used to think he was being deliberately obtuse by not reading/reacting to implied meaning. Now I know he just doesn't "get it". And he never will. And that's ok, so long as I know that I have to make my statements and questions very, very clear. I can't imply anything. He only answers the literal question.Me: Did you reheat the coffee last night?H: No.Me: Weird, I thought there was more left.H: I drank it. (pause) I didn't reheat it though.
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    Yeah, that does absolutely drive Phil nuts as well.However, just like he tries to be more specific when he thinks to, over time I learn what he means when he says certain things, even if they didn't initially make sense to me. Now that your husband is aware of his tendency to miss implied meanings, he can learn, almost by rote, what you mean when you say certain things, while you also meet him halfway with being more specific.You know, I am normally not so disjointed and non-coherent when talking about such things (I've talked to a lot of parents of young children on the spectrum and tons of other adults as well). I don't know what's up with me today.
    On bed rest since Groundhog's Day and every day since has been exactly the same.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Blog
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    I have to run here in a second. Thanks for chatting with me a bit- seriously, it never occured to me how nice it would be to discuss this topic with someone other than DH or a doctor. Woohoo!
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