So Conflicted!

golfermickid

I am so conflicted I don't know what to do.  My Fiance's parents are not helping us with the wedding, but still want to help make decisions.  Normally I wouldn't care, but when I know they can afford to help us I am a little bitter.  I really wanted separated showers, because I want to be able to spend time with both sides of our families.  But I know his mom won't do a shower.  So do I ignore what I want and do a combined one?  And if I do a combined one I know she will not help pay for the shower.  I thought this was supposed to be the best thing ever.  Why am I getting so upset?  My fiance though I loved him dearly won't stand up to his mom and now I feel like I am in the unfortunate position to confront her myself.    What do I do????  I have tossed around the idea of telling them that they pay for the guests they want at the wedding and we will pay for the ones we want.  My parents are already paying for what they can and even that is too much.  Why can't life be easier??? 

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conflicted-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10c6fd4d-bf7d-4746-9e8c-5d32f7aeca7fPost:1ef4fa41-da68-476b-871d-8f348dde34c3">So Conflicted!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so conflicted I don't know what to do.  My Fiance's parents are not helping us with the wedding, but still want to help make decisions.  Normally I wouldn't care, but when I know they can afford to help us I am a little bitter.  I really wanted separated showers, because I want to be able to spend time with both sides of our families.  But I know his mom won't do a shower.  So do I ignore what I want and do a combined one?  And if I do a combined one I know she will not help pay for the shower.  I thought this was supposed to be the best thing ever.  Why am I getting so upset?  My fiance though I loved him dearly won't stand up to his mom and now I feel like I am in the unfortunate position to confront her myself.    What do I do????<strong>  I have tossed around the idea of telling them that they pay for the guests they want at the wedding and we will pay for the ones we want.</strong>  My parents are already paying for what they can and even that is too much.  Why can't life be easier??? 
Posted by golfermickid[/QUOTE]

Please don't ask them for money.

As far as the showers go, you shouldn't be throwing them yourself.  Give the guest list you want to the host.  You don't need to include all of FI's family in that (I would include FMIL and any FSILs, however), if someone offers to throw you one for FI's side of the family, great!  If not, no big deal.

As far as them wanting to make decisions?  If they aren't paying, they don't get to - plain and simple.  Avoid discussing wedding plans with them as much as possible.

Also, for most dealings with FI's family, FI needs to be dealing with it.

barrelbabe004

Um... You don't throw your own shower.  Someone volunteers to throw it for you.  If only one person volunteers, then you have one.  If 2 do, then you can have 2.

A shower really isn't the end of the world.  And you don't get to judge how your future In-laws spend their money.

golfermickid

Sorry I forgot to mention that my mom is throwing the shower.  So its okay if I give MIL a number of people that she can invite and call it good??

RebeccaB88

1. Nobody is required to pay for anything for you.  You can certainly accept what is offered, but other than that, if you want it, you get to pay for it.  Your FI's parents aren't doing anything wrong. 

2. You don't get to decide on your showers.  If someone offers, you can provide a guest list within their guidelines and approve the date.  Anything else is not up to you.  If no one offers you a shower, you don't get to have one.  You can't ask for it, and no one is required to throw you one. 

3.  Weddings aren't necessarily the Best Thing Ever.  I think you'd be happier if you lowered your expectations. It's special, but there's nothing magical about it.  It's stressful sometimes.  You do have to take other people's feelings into consideration.  Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in families. 

4.  If your FI won't stand up to his mother, then you don't have a wedding problem. You have a FI problem.  But standing up to his mother does not mean asking her for money or to pay for stuff.  That's your responsibility. 

5. You're way overthinking everything.

golfermickid

So maybe I have high expectations.  Thanks for the help and some of the tough love.  I will just smile and nod next time his parents talk about the wedding.  

CEMurphy04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conflicted-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10c6fd4d-bf7d-4746-9e8c-5d32f7aeca7fPost:26406bf9-9cd4-4ca4-b09a-d615ece9b94a">Re: So Conflicted!</a>:
[QUOTE]So maybe I have high expectations.  Thanks for the help and some of the tough love.  I will just smile and nod next time his parents talk about the wedding.  
Posted by golfermickid[/QUOTE]

I had the same attitude you did two months ago.  Disappointed that I was so stressed out when being engaged is supposed to be so exciting all the time!  Don't worry, you will have the shower and wedding of your dreams.  Budget out what you can, shop around to find whatever is perfect for you!  I still have days I get stressed, especially because my FI is the same with his mom (wont say a word about the 23 people on our list from his step dads family that he doesn't even know!)

whitsy

shane's side of the family did not throw me a shower. No one even mentioned it, not even his sister that I had thrown her baby shower for, singlehandedly. When I realized his mom didn't even care to pitch in for her own daughter's first baby's shower, I knew a wedding shower would be out of the question. But I would have never brought it up. I know you are disappointed. I've been there, and I've felt how you are feeling. But your FI doesn't need to stand up to his mother on this issue. You can't ask someone to throw you a shower. If the only person that is throwing you a shower is your mom, then maybe invite 5-10 important people from his side of the family that you'd really like to see.

As far as them paying for a portion of the wedding. Again, it sucks. Some financial contribution would be nice. But you don't know their finances. How do you know they can afford to help out? Just because they make x amount of money a year doesn't mean they have extra money available. Or maybe they're traditional and don't feel like they should have to.

Finally, you say your parents are paying for what they can, and it's already too much. Time for you to stop stressing over his family not pitching in, and do everything you and your FI can to pitch in. Second jobs, cut off the cable for a little while, don't go out to eat, etc. If you sense a strain on your parents, financially, cut back. Cut back the wedding plans, cut back at home to save more. It can be done.

golfermickid

Thanks again for all the responses.  I would never imagine asking them for money, its just nice to fantasize and vent to someone.  The only reason I know that they can afford to pay for the wedding is the fact that they have told me in not so many words.  We are doing pretty much as much as we can DIY.  Such as decorating the ceremony site, making 250 gel candles, making my bouquet from swarovski crystals, making all the bridesmaids jewelry,  finding a cheaper venue, paying for our photographer, paying for the DJ, and everything else that we can chip in for.  Its just a little disheartening when you get to hear about the $6000 jacuzzi they went and bought, plus the entire bathroom remodel that my FI is doing for them, not to mention the cruise they decided to go on.  Did I forget to mention the brand new car they jus bought with cash fully loaded?  We are trying are best to cut back as much as we can.  The sole purpose for this post was to simply get feedback and support from others.  After being engaged for 2 years I have had to tell my FI to stop telling me about the things his parents are buying.  I also asked him to tell his parents to stop bringing it up.  Thanks again for listening to my rant!! It helps me maintain my santiity sometimes!