Let me ask you... NWR

gailpete

I'll admit to be an old fuddy duddy many years removed from my baby shower, so I have a question.  I received an invite to a baby shower for the daughter of a friend.  The daughter is unmarried (not really important, but thought I'd mention it).  When I talked to the mom (she and an aunt of the mom-to-be are holding the shower) I found out it is a couples shower with 160 guests.  There will be an open bar and a DJ.  To me this sounds more like a wedding reception than a baby shower.  She also said that they weren't sure if the gifts would be opened at the shower or just set aside.  My question is, is this normal for baby showers today or am I correct in thinking there are a number of etiquette breaches going on here?  What are your thoughts?

MattsPenguin

What the heck?  That sounds utterly ridiculous!!  And looks pretty gift grabby.

Regardless of if the mom-to-be is married or not . . .

HeatherR45

Open bar and pregnancy do not go together. Sounds more like a party than a baby shower. Why woudn't she open gifts there??

[Deleted User]

I can't really think of any etiquette rules being broken, but I'll agree that it does appear a little gift-grabby. That said, people can have big parties for whatever occasion they like, really.

It's definitely not the norm, though.

crash2729

Is it maybe a surprise wedding too?

MyUserName1

It's not exactly that etiquette rules are being broken...

but that is SUPER crazy for a shower.

I don't know 160 people whom I would invite to anything, let alone a baby shower.

mollyehren

My first thought is suprise wedding as well. My 2nd was alcohol and pregnancy, wtf?

Grits8812

That sounds a tad insane to me.   I don't know that an open bar and a DJ should be included in a baby shower.  I've never been to one, but aren't they supposed to be talking about babies and gossip and cute gifts?

I wouldn't support drinking at a baby shower...thats like an oxy moron.

ginadog

My parents threw a baby shower for my sister.  There was alcohol and it was more like a family reunion.  No way 160 guests and a DJ though!

Simply Fated

It's not against etiquette per se, but it sounds like a giftgrabfest and an excuse to have a huge party. I'd probably either decline or just go for the lulz. Honestly, baby showers are supposed to be about the baby and it sounds like they want it to be a way to get attention. That's just my first take on it.

cindyn9178

How exactly is this gift grabby? If I were attend a baby shower, I'd give a gift, and put mine and my husband's names on it, because it is from both of us, whether he is invited to the actual shower or not. So if it were a couple's shower, I'd still give the same gift - regardless if there was an open bar, dj or whatever. ...160 guests, would mean about 80 women, which isn't that out of the ordinary. There were 65 women at my bridal shower because we have a very large immediate family.

Meg1036

The only part of it I really have a problem with is the not opening presents at the shower.  And I more have a problem with it because I know you're supposed to open presents at a shower, and less because I actually enjoy watching the guest of honor open presents.

Is it surprising that it is so large and has a DJ and open bar?  Yes.  Is it the first time that I've heard of a couple's baby shower or alcohol at a baby shower?  No.  It is, after all, a baby for both of them.  And for those of you who are all "OMG, ALCOHOL AND A PREGNANCY?"  It's for the guests, not the mom.  Loosen up.

kate2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_let-ask-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11f26067-ae2e-461b-87d0-ad168c8c4f2ePost:d2a4f509-d260-4a90-a44f-a7fb5e3dec85">Re: Let me ask you... NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]The only part of it I really have a problem with is the not opening presents at the shower.  And I more have a problem with it because I know you're supposed to open presents at a shower, and less because I actually enjoy watching the guest of honor open presents. Is it surprising that it is so large and has a DJ and open bar?  Yes.  Is it the first time that I've heard of a couple's baby shower or alcohol at a baby shower?  No.  It is, after all, a baby for both of them.  And for those of you who are all "OMG, ALCOHOL AND A PREGNANCY?"  <strong>It's for the guests, not the mom.</strong>  Loosen up.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I thought as well. I have never heard of a baby shower like this, either, but I don't think providing alcohol for the guests is any kind of etiquette breach. The only thing I really think is terribly strange is to go to a shower, where the purpose is to shower the new mom with gifts, and not watch her open them.</div>

Cortney1982

This is weird!  I wonder if she will be wearing a white dress!    Just seems they are wanting to have the party they wanted to throw if they were to have gotten married first.  But I myself would have saved this kind of party for an actual wedding later, not a baby shower.

Avion22

Am I the only one who has ever had a mimosa or a glass of white wine at a baby shower?   I mean, an open bar seems excessive, but I've never baby to a baby shower where there wasn't ANY alcohol, and I can't really imagine a dude drinking a mimosa at a couples baby shower.

I agree, it's non-traditional, and if the OP feels weird about it than she shouldn't go.  I think I would go just for the experience, because it sounds differnet, a little kooky, and possibly really fun to me.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_let-ask-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:11f26067-ae2e-461b-87d0-ad168c8c4f2ePost:0eb373b8-d0e0-4d14-868a-224d22d0e0ca">Re: Let me ask you... NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]How exactly is this gift grabby? If I were attend a baby shower, I'd give a gift, and put mine and my husband's names on it, because it is from both of us, whether he is invited to the actual shower or not. So if it were a couple's shower, I'd still give the same gift - regardless if there was an open bar, dj or whatever. ...160 guests, would mean about 80 women, which isn't that out of the ordinary. There were 65 women at my bridal shower because we have a very large immediate family.
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

Oh goody, you're back...

Who exactly are you including in "immediate family? That's a lot of brothers and sisters if you have 65 people in your "immediate family" alone. Methinks you're including Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, ets. Not exactly "immediate"

Regardless, I understand your point, and if you were to invite all of those people it would add up to a lot. If someone offered to throw a shower for me (of any type) and I knew inviting all of those people was going to be excessive, I would make sure the guest list was trimmed up to my closest friends and family, not every female invited to my wedding/that has an ounce of my blood running through her veins. I think it's rude to expect someone to host an event for that many people.

That's why it's gift grabby IMO.

And the people freaking out about alcohol? Really? What are you 12? It's not like mom's going to be doing shooters out on the dance floor. There will be other guests there. The alcohol is for them, not her. That's like saying, "ZOMG I can't have kids at my wedding because there will be alcohol!!!"

J&K10910

Sure, it's pretty ridiculous... but I guess any party with a DJ and open bar is good for me.  Would you go to the shower if it was 12 women sitting in someone's living room eating apps and cupcakes and watching mommy open gifts?  Because if you would, I see no reason not to go to the ridiculously large shower.  In fact, the ridiculous shower sounds way more fun, and I'd be far more inclined to go to that one than a more intimate (coughboringcough) shower.

mica178

I've had wine and champagne at baby showers before.  I haven't been to a 160 person baby shower with a DJ, though.

AdeleDazeem

Every shower I've ever been to (wedding or bridal) has had wine.  All these people thinking it's wrong are deluded or lacking in thought processes.  All non pregnant people are allowed to drink.  Non pregnant people will far outweigh pregnant people in that room.  Just a side note: In some countries, alcohol isn't as taboo as it is in the US.  Open bar, however, seems a bit over the top.

I've also been to showers with ~ 80 people.  I thought it was ridiculous and the gift opening lasted hours.  No DJ, though... haha.

It's weird baby shower to be sure, OP.  But, it is the kind of party they want.  So be it.

Simply Fated

"I've also been to showers with ~ 80 people.  I thought it was ridiculous and the gift opening lasted hours.  No DJ, though... haha." That was like at my friend's shower. There were so many people, it tool hours to open all the gifts. But they were opened. The fact that the OP was told straight out that they wouldn't be, makes me think the couple wants the gifts, but without the hassle of gift opening cutting into the dancing or something. That's gift grabby to me. I'm okay with the alcohol there, as long as the mother is. I mean, as long as she really is and not just saying she is. That happened to a friend of mine and I backed her up. It wasn't pleasant.

xxstardust

The biggest shower I've ever seen was ~120 people (I didn't attend, I worked at it) and was a full brunch buffet with beer, wine and a champagne punch.

Is it really uncommon to offer alcohol at a baby shower? I feel like it's been present at most of those I've been at, either worked or attended. There are only so many packages of onesies and diapers I can watch being opened without needing a drink ...

J&K10910

Honestly, I'd prefer to not watch her open that many gifts.  I don't know, I think it seems a little gift grabby, but at the same time, i don't feel like there's much to complain about with free booze and entertainment.  Especially if you were planning on giving a gift back when you thought it might be a more traditional shower.

melntaitt

I'm not sure; 160 guests is pretty excessive for a shower and I suppose you would usually take a gift to a baby shower anyway so that should be fine. PP's are right when they say no etiquette rules were actually broken but it does seem like they are taking advantage of the opportunity to get presents; but hey, that's their business how the want to celebrate their new addition.

I pesonally wouldn't like to watch people "oooh" and "ahhh" over 80 presents.

It's out of the norm, by the way; super out of the norm. I would encourage you not to go if it makes you feel uncomfortable though. If you really think their motives aren't clear or honorable you shouldn't participate. With all the other people being there, I'm sure one or two RSVP no's won't make a big difference.

specialk84

Every baby shower I've gone to has had alcohol. My people like to drink.

OP, if you were going to go when you thought it was a smaller event, I think you should still go.

Simply Fated

I don't like watching the gift opening, either, but I feel that cones with the territory regarding showers, ya know?

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_let-ask-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:11f26067-ae2e-461b-87d0-ad168c8c4f2ePost:1781c052-78ff-4db4-820f-f20d5f0a756f">Re: Let me ask you... NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like watching the gift opening, either, but I feel that cones with the territory regarding showers, ya know?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Oh for sure.  I'm just saying, it wouldn't break my heart any to not have to watch it.

Loopyseven

I agree it seems a bit excessive, but no etiquette rules are actually being broken.  Good for the couple for having that many people in their lives supporting them, I guess.  Open bar seems a bit much, but I agree with those who say some alcohol at a baby shower is NBD.  I've been to ones with punch (with and without rum) and ones with mimosa's.  

redheadfsu

Every baby shower I have been to has had alcohol of some sort.

Not opening gifts is kind of strange, as that is the point of the shower; however, they might assume that it would take hours just for the gifts and want to spare people (still wrong, but maybe good intentions). I wouldn't mind it too much.

I would not judge this shower, I would go and have fun.

gailpete

Thanks for all of the opinions ladies.  Other than not opening the presents (which after all is the ooint of a shower), I don't have a problem with the individual elements of the shower.  I think it's just the combination of all of them into a huge party that seems more like a wedding reception than a shower that threw me off. As I said, I haven't been to many baby showers recently and I didn't know if this was the new trend or somewhat over the top.  From your responses, it seems to be somewhat over the top.

Simply Fated

Yeah, what they have planned does seem over the top, but at least they aren't, like, charging admission. And I'll take an open bar over a cash bar any day!

MidnightMare

I was just at a baby shower today.. for her 3rd child! It was small, mostly close family though. It had alcohol available

I think 60 people is alot, but then I have a small family, and I can see how with a big close family and the making it co-ed would make it a larger shower. The thing that gets me most is the DJ... nothing wrong with it though, just sorta out of place!