Everything Dilemma

beachwed10

My FI has no family and he has commented several times about how he will have no one on his side of the church. My mom's solution..."Here's what we will do to fix that. When your sister married your BIL, his family is pretty small so we just had everyone sit wherever."  I've tried telling her pretty small is not the same as no one.  I know "sides" don't really matter anymore but that doesn't change him looking around and having no one and then seeing the 100+ members of my family.  It really just makes me want to elope. More than anything I don't want him to feel that void that he feels on every holiday and event on our wedding day.

thejucheidea

Unfortunately, he's just gonna have to deal with it. He's not going to magically sprout new family members so that sides will even up.

I'm in the same situation as him -- my fiance comes from a massive family and I come from a small, bi-coastal family. I'm going to have very few if any family members besides my parents and sister while he has dozens of family members because his family is all about an hour from where we live. What matters to me is that we're getting married and that soon, all of his family will be my own, so nbd.

GoodLuckBear14

The two of you have only two options here.  1. Elope.  2. Deal.

The next time he starts complaining, ask him what his solution is.  Doesn't he have friends?  Your mom has the right idea of not having sides.

bunni727

What does he want? Does he have any friends?

Having everyone sit where they would like is a fine solution. Keep in mind that you are celebrating a union, and there's no reason to think of the guests as his v. hers: they are there to see both of you get married.

I have family, they just didn't want to come. Out of ~150 people I invited, 10 were there for me. The truth is, it didn't really matter to me. I didn't look around and feel sad because people were missing, because I wasn't looking around. I was completely focused on my partner and our vows.

daveANDkristen

If you and your FI want to elope, have at it.  But it's also fine to encourage your guests to sit on either side.  Better yet, don't have an aisle at all, just enter from the side.

AddieCake

My husband had only 7 people at our wedding that were "his." We even paid for 2 of those people to fly there b/c he was sad that so few people were going to be able to be there for him. I realize 7 is better than none, but as PPs said, you can either elope or deal with it. If it is truly going to be hurtful to him, then I suggest eloping.

Blue & White

My sister's husband only had like 20 people at the wedding (out of 150 or so).  It didn't matter.  People sat wherever for the ceremony and intermingled at the reception. 

tesskerr

He must have some friends? If not, I would be a little nervous to marry someone with no contact with any family (cousins/aunts/uncles/second cousins once removed) AND no friends or work mates he gets on with... I am a very private person, and don't really have many friends, I get it, but the thought of you being the ONLY person in his life is a little scary.

Don't have sides, and at the end of the day your family is becoming his family, so it doesnt really matter.

Peledreamsofrain

Our wedding guest list was 95 percent my husband's family, and it never occured to me to make my husband guilty and miserable about it. Short of kidnapping strangers and pretending they're his family while ignoring the duct tape, what does he expect you to do? I mean seriously?

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:120f8620-48db-4906-b21c-90f5b579e822Post:05553087-64f0-4d51-9a61-75a540c650f5">Everything Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My FI has no family and he has commented several times about how he will have no one on his side of the church</strong>. My mom's solution..."Here's what we will do to fix that. When your sister married your BIL, his family is pretty small so we just had everyone sit wherever."  I've tried telling her pretty small is not the same as no one.  I know "sides" don't really matter anymore but that doesn't change him looking around and having no one and then seeing the 100+ members of my family.  It really just makes me want to elope. More than anything I don't want him to feel that void that he feels on every holiday and event on our wedding day.
Posted by beachwed10[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why doesn't he have any friends or family?  

</div>

Amsdragonfly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:120f8620-48db-4906-b21c-90f5b579e822Post:32bce6bc-6774-4e66-8ad5-68f25c6521bb">Re: Everything Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]The two of you have only two options here.  1. Elope.  2. Deal. The next time he starts complaining, ask him what his solution is.  Doesn't he have friends?  Your mom has the right idea of not having sides.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I have the same "problem" as your FI. But honestly, I grew up that way- so it's not like I'm not used to it. My FI has HUGE family gatherings, and I had 0 giant family gatherings due to lack of a large family. The only thing I can say is try to have FI invite any friends he would like to have at the wedding. And remind him that after the wedding, that giant family of yours will be his, too. :)</div>

Simply Fated

I can count on one hand the amount of family members I have that I would invite to my wedding. For my bf's side, I would need both hands, feet and possibly his hands and feet, too. Luckily, his family has treated me like one of their own and my friends have always treated me like family, too. Family is what you make of it and he needs to learn that.

zizibet

He may simply not really have much family-My only close family member still living is my mom. My extended family is not close, and although I'm inviting them, they are elderly people who live OOT and may not be healthy enough to travel. I don't think that makes me a bad person.

CA.Giraffe

I only had three family members attend our wedding; my brother, his wife, and their baby daughter. Immediately after I walked down the aisle, my niece became fussy and my brother had to take her out. My SIL was our photographer, so she was walking around getting shots. That left nobody sitting in the church on "my" side. It wasn't a big deal. His family is huge and occupied both sides of the aisle. Really, they were there because they were happy for US, not just him.

Jen4948

My BF doesn't have many family members, but he has lots of friends.  It evens out...emotionally if not in numbers.

BMoreBride6

But isn't your family now his family?  Remind him they are all there for the plural "you" not the singular "you".  

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:120f8620-48db-4906-b21c-90f5b579e822Post:7409144a-c2a4-4094-a2d5-9c08733e32e7">Re: Everything Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]He must have some friends? If not, I would be a little nervous to marry someone with no contact with any family (cousins/aunts/uncles/second cousins once removed) AND no friends or work mates he gets on with... I am a very private person, and don't really have many friends, I get it, but the thought of you being the ONLY person in his life is a little scary. Don't have sides, and at the end of the day your family is becoming his family, so it doesnt really matter.
Posted by tesskerr[/QUOTE]

I agree with THIS. If he has ZERO friends and not one single family member at ALL, I would be seriously concerns about this....Wtiness protectino program?! LMAO

kmmssg

You can't change his family circumstances.  3 of my 4 g'parents died before I was born, my parents were both gone before my 11th bday, 2 of my 3 biological siblings are gone.  No aunts or uncles left.  I have been the matriarch in my family since I was 31 and that is when my aunt that raised me died. I have 2 cousins I was raised with that I refer to as sisters.  That's it. (Well, I"m married now, a MOB, and have kids and gkids, but your DH isn't at that stage in life.  When I was getting married, I didn't have anyone either.

DH?  He is 55 and still has all of his uncles on his mom's sides PLUS their spouses, all of his aunts and uncles on his Dad's side PLUS their spouses, and a couple million cousins.  He was in his 40's when he lost his g'parents.  Oh, he also has all 6 of his siblings, their spouses, and their kids living.  His dad is kicking at 81, but we did lose Mom.

We have your situation just switched around.  Your mom has the right idea about not having people just sit on your side of the church.  I ditto GLB that you need to ask him what solution he might have.  

Even if you elope he is going to feel this void you mentioned.  I did with both of my weddings, and with the births of my children.  It is what it is.  All you can do is make the best of it and be grateful if you are lucky enough (like me, and it sounds like he will be) to marry into a family who accepts and loves you and wants to be your family.

Elope if that is what you both dream of, but don't fool yourself into thinking that by shutting your family out you are going to make his void disappear.

NantucketBride12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_everything-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:120f8620-48db-4906-b21c-90f5b579e822Post:9e11326e-11b4-48df-957a-a0a7c8020554">Re: Everything Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everything Dilemma : I agree with THIS. If he has ZERO friends and not one single family member at ALL, I would be seriously concerns about this....Wtiness protectino program?! LMAO
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't have friends.  I spent most of my life struggling with mental illness and people don't exactly want to be friends with someone who has panic attacks in public.  Now that I'm "better", I don't feel any need to have friends because I don't miss having them.  The mental illness chased away family as well.  I'm not saying that's what's going on in the OP, but to act like those of us who don't have a big group of pals and are close to are families have something "wrong" with us is insulting.  I'm a very nice person and speak to people, I just had the unfortunate experience of watching person after person bail on me.  You don't really know what his family life is/was like.  Perhaps there is a reason he prefers to keep people at a distance.</div>