Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????

TheWeddingBunny

So, I am feeling awful on this and want some opinions.

My wedding is on 9-15.  I had to have the final numbers to the vendors on 9-1.

My RSVP date was 8-25.  I emailed and called people on 8-26 as there was a tight turnaround on the deadline for the vendors.  Specifically security.

I did so again on Thursday for the people I have not heard from., telling them I have a 9-1 date for the vendor (and this is firm as it is the security keeping out FI's ex who has told everyone that she plans to come to disrupt the service/reception...I have another thread on this) And yesterday emailed the 4 people I have not heard from, letting them know that we will miss them but our numbers have been turned in.

Well, tonight (after 2 emails and a phone call/message) I get a FB response saying...oh hey, we sent in the RSVP and were planning to attend, let us know if we still can".

Do we just suck if we say no?  I feel guilty saying no, but after the number of times we tried to contact them (and we know they were both on FB multiple times daily) is it wrong for us to hold to telling them that we are not able to accommodate them?  Or should we say yes as they were originally invited???

Also, as security has a guest list, and it is part of the contract, I may have to do a revision to the submitted contract in order to add them.

*sigh*

zizibet

People are really annoying. If it were me, since it's security and not catering, I'd let them in, especially if it were people I really liked. But you would be within your rights to say, I'm sorry, we had to turn the final numbers in to the vendors and we won't be able to accomodate you.

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:402c9bbb-57bc-40c2-91d6-2faff8885d91">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]People are really annoying. If it were me, since it's security and not catering, I'd let them in, especially if it were people I really liked. But you would be within your rights to say, I'm sorry, we had to turn the final numbers in to the vendors and we won't be able to accomodate you.
Posted by zizibet[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>They are actually not close, they are people my FI worked with, who actually live near the crazt ex who keeps trying to crash, so we were a bit relieved when we did not hear from them.  We attempted, they were silent, and we turned in the numbers.</div><div>
</div><div>I think I am going to go with not accommodating them...unless anyone thinks we are being really out of line?</div>

Avion22

When did they mail the RSVP?  Was it before the 25th, and just got lost in the mail, or did they mail it after receiving your messages?

If they had already mailed back the RSVP before you called/emailed, they might have thought they didn' thave to call you back because you would get their RSVP back.  People get busy during the week, so they might have put calling you  back lower on their priority list of stuff to do.   

If you can easily accomodate them, then I would try to.  If it's going to be a huge hassel (or cost a lot of money), then call them back and tell them that you can't change the guest list now.  I would say something like, "Our absolute last deadline was the first, and when we didn't hear back from you, we went ahead and submitted our list of names.  Unfortunately, it's too late to ammend our contract."

TheWeddingBunny

Not sure when they sent it in.

And we were VERY clear that we had not heard from them.  In both emails.  And in the message I left when I called.  

I get that people get busy, but after 2 phone calls and an email, if they really were all that concerned, they would have contacted me.

And, changing the contract within 2 weeks is actually a fairly hefty fee with the security people, which is why we were so concerned with getting them the numbers before the 2 week deadline, which we needed to have the info in by Sat.

ILoveToRobot

If the issue is just security I'd allow it. If it were a catering/space issue it might be another story. Just remember, you invited these people because you wanted them there.

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:46a4fa5d-9618-4c0f-b335-057296dc85fb">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : A hefty fee is reason enough to tell those people they can't be accomodated.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is what we think, we just wanted to be sure that we were not really out of line</div><div>
</div>

LetsHikeToday

I'm curious, what needs to be changed in the contract to add 2 people?

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:3e46e414-a460-496c-8626-1a3f1e58d901">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm curious, what needs to be changed in the contract to add 2 people?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto. Why would the ENTIRE contract need to be re-written for two people? That seems a little extreme. It's adding two little names to a list. I can't imagine being fined just for that. Sounds to me like you don't really want these people there and are trying to use this as an excuse to keep them from coming. </div>

Snippylynn

i was wondering the same thing. Presumably, you had the original contract to cover the entirety of your guest list, regardless of RSVP's-- as would have been appropriate.

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:0026e297-3b72-4024-a7a8-aadc4cf0af90">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : Ditto. Why would the ENTIRE contract need to be re-written for two people? That seems a little extreme. It's adding two little names to a list. I can't imagine being fined just for that. Sounds to me like you don't really want these people there and are trying to use this as an excuse to keep them from coming. 
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup. This is what I was thinking. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm also not sure why the fact that they live near the crazy ex is such a huge deal. That definitely seems like a made up excuse. </div>

HockeyFan4

Why didn't your FI just ask him in person at work, especially if they weren't getting back to you?

They said they mailed the rsvp, they were probably confused as to why you were contacting them, it is a long weekend, maybe they were away, etc.  I would definitely accomodate them.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????:[QUOTE]The security is hired privately by OP to keep her FI's ex out. It's not government based.And maybe they need time to run additional names through data bases, and rush orders cost more. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

They didn't hire them to run background checks. They have a list of names of people to let into the venue... if you're name's not on it, you don't get in. I don't understand why that's so hard to grasp.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:201ab475-3f17-4107-9554-d611fee3b1e4">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]Between the fee and the fact that you don't really want them there anyway, I would tell them no. You made every effort to contact them, this is not on you. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

I hardly call two emails and one phone call "every effort to contact them," especially since presumably, her FI sees these people EVERY DAY AT WORK.  Add me to the list of people wondering why he didn't just ask them at work.

I'm also baffled as to why you'd need to pay so much extra to add two people, especially if you're doing it one business day after the deadline.  A couple days before, sure, that would make sense. 

And also, it's not really their fault you gave yourself such a short amount of time to contact the people that didn't send in RSVPs/whose RSVPs got lost in the mail.  I wouldn't discount the fact that their RSVP may have been sent on time, they were unable to return your messages (it IS a holiday, perhaps they were out of town?), and I think you should at least make an effort to include them.

ericaandtom2012

I think these are people that her FI worked with in the past, not currently working with them.  OP, will telling these people that they can't attend have any professional implications for your FI?  If he's still working in the same field, it would be wise to not burn any bridges.  Despite the fee, I think I would attempt to accommodate them, although it does suck that their RSVP didn't arrive before your due date (but could have been mailed out on it and gotten lost).

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:3e46e414-a460-496c-8626-1a3f1e58d901">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm curious, what needs to be changed in the contract to add 2 people?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>In order to get the deal we got, the contract with security had to be completed including the guest list 2 weeks prior.  They do not accept the contract without the guest list (small town and only one security company that is local is adding to the issue) and adding people to the guest list after the 2 week deadline is something the company says requires a whole new contract and each security person will now be $15 more per hour.  We are having 3 for about 8 hours.  </div><div>
</div><div>Yes it is a ploy for money on the part of the security, but as we have no choice but to use this company we have no choice but to play by the rules they set.</div>

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:40332f25-902a-4ec0-8e6c-8302ca681667">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]I think these are people that her FI worked with in the past, not currently working with them.  OP, will telling these people that they can't attend have any professional implications for your FI?  If he's still working in the same field, it would be wise to not burn any bridges.  Despite the fee, I think I would attempt to accommodate them, although it does suck that their RSVP didn't arrive before your due date (but could have been mailed out on it and gotten lost).
Posted by ericaandtom2012[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>They are people he knew when he worked a factory job at holiday time for extra money.  In Ohio.  He is now a mechanic in CA (he was a mechanic in Ohio too, but they did not know one another from that job).  So, no professional repercussions.</div>

DramaGeek

Given the financial implications, it sounds like you'll have to turn them down.  If there weren't the financial issue, I would say absolutely add them to the list.

sparkles776

I honestly think calling and leaving VMs is definitely fair, and I really dont think you should have to stalk people to get a RSVP back. Since it is going to cost so much more, I would just tell the people sorry, but you have turned in your final numbers and cannot accomodate them.  I would definitely add them if it was a family member or close friend, but not an old co-worker. 

  

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:96dcd4b9-7bf5-4a54-ab40-b81c210bfb01">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : In order to get the deal we got, the contract with security had to be completed including the guest list 2 weeks prior.  They do not accept the contract without the guest list (small town and only one security company that is local is adding to the issue) and adding people to the guest list after the 2 week deadline is something the company says requires a whole new contract and each security person will now be $15 more per hour.  We are having 3 for about 8 hours.   Yes it is a ploy for money on the part of the security, but as we have no choice but to use this company we have no choice but to play by the rules they set.
Posted by TheWeddingBunny[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Have you actually asked the security company if two more people can be added w/o charge since you JUST sent in the guest list? I work with contracts daily, in the hospitality industry, and we make exceptions with clients depending on circumstances all the time. 

</div>

lyndausvi

I had 3 RSVPs get lost in the mail and I got them the week of the wedding   It would really suck if they did send it in on time and the post office lost it.

If I did send in the RSVP I might have have not put much priority in responding to a message or email.    Sometimes I find emails in junk mail, which I don't check often.  

A few weeks ago I went on vacation.  I didn't check phone messages for 8 days.  And only checked emails twice during that time. 

What I'm trying to say there are many situation where 2 emails and 1 phone call could be missed in a short period of time.   Especially with it being the last week of summer, people are going away, etc.   

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:152f9564-777c-4c96-81a1-b8bea32f586c">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]I had 3 RSVPs get lost in the mail and I got them the week of the wedding   It would really suck if they did send it in on time and the post office lost it. If I did send in the RSVP I might have have not put much priority in responding to a message or email.    Sometimes I find emails in junk mail, which I don't check often.   A few weeks ago I went on vacation.  I didn't check phone messages for 8 days.  And only checked emails twice during that time.  What I'm trying to say there are many situation where 2 emails and 1 phone call could be missed in a short period of time.   Especially with it being the last week of summer, people are going away, etc.   
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I was really clear in the email, and in the message, that if they had sent in the RSVP card, we have not received it.  Mentioned that 2 separate times, in each email.</div><div>
</div><div>And we sent them via FB, so we know they were on their pages numerous times.  That is one of the things we double checked before reaching out that way.  In fact, this person and his wife were commenting on a mutual friend's status and still did not manage to reply to the message.  So when it comes to that, I do think we did what we could to reach out to them.</div><div>
</div><div>And, we ended up deciding that due to the cost of changing the security contract (and yes we know for sure they will charge us, that is in the contract we signed) we were not going to be able to accommodate them.  Within 10 minutes of this email, we received the response "whatever".  So, they check it they were just not taking it as something they needed to deal with, which is their choice, but we are not able to wait indefinitely.</div><div>
</div><div>And to the person who said it was our fault as we made the RSVP date so close to the vendor notice, actually it wasn't.  We had no plans for security until the ex who has not appeared in FI's life, or in the lives of his family, started threatening to crash the wedding and disrupt it if she wasn't invited.  That has only been a couple of weeks, so we had to do something.</div>

lyndausvi

I think the security company sucks.    I've never heard of a guest list to a party NOT changing almost up until the party.  Too late now.

I completely understand telling them no, because of the cost issue.  But in the end you are still going to end up looking like the bad one.  Especially if they really did send in the RSVP and it just got lost.

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:9699eaa5-8a5c-447a-b8e1-5b9a9aeb96f6">Re: Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the security company sucks.    I've never heard of a guest list to a party NOT changing almost up until the party.  Too late now. I completely understand telling them no, because of the cost issue.  But in the end you are still going to end up looking like the bad one.  Especially if they really did send in the RSVP and it just got lost.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree.  But it is the ONLY security company who is local, the rest of them are based in the closest nearby city.  So, all of them wanted a guarantee of 4 minimum guards (we really only need 2 but went with three) and a minimum of 12 hours. and 60+ per hour because they are going to have to get to the location.  The company we went with has a 6 hour minimum, we don't have to book more than one pesron, and 30/hr.  So the cost savings is astounding.  The snafu is that I am not allowed to change the guest list once the event is 2 weeks out.  Luckily I was able to track down all but 4 guests before the deadline,</div><div>
</div><div>We realized quickly that the non local company is trying their best not to do work in the area as it is small and the local company knows this,</div><div>
</div><div>It sucks even more as we didn't even have this issue until the ex decided that seeing the family for the first time in 15 years, was a good idea.</div>

LetsHikeToday

In your OP you say you may have to rework the contract. Have you actually contacted the security company and asked to add 2 guests?

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:73cf595a-a70e-4243-8a70-3fe0b6917214">Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]You sent the emails via FB? I have never ever in my life checked the email that FB gave me. I also generally FB on my phone which means i dont know if i have FB messages unless i think to check for them. So in either case, they very well may not have gotten them. Regardless, if it's going to cost you that much more, I'd say apologize and tell them you can't accommodate them at this point.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I do a lot of my FB on the phone also.  I never check messages.  The few times I did, it didn't show up anyway. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Just talking out loud, but does anyone else find it funny that a small town security company has such strict rules on guests lists?   I've worked with some high profile people in a major city in the past.  The guests lists were being adjust even as the party was about the start.  As long as the point person was making the changes it was not a problem.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:78befb0d-4374-4642-affa-6a84922f8dc2">Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : I do a lot of my FB on the phone also.  I never check messages.  The few times I did, it didn't show up anyway.  Just talking about loud, but does anyone else find it funny that a small town security company has such strict rules on guests lists?   I've worked with some high profile people in a major city in the past.  The guests lists were being adjust even as the party was about the start.  As long as the point person was making the changes it was not a problem.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]



Yup. The whole situation sounds fishy to me

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:3a5b6dec-143e-46b0-a680-0c06fc1ebae1">Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : Yup. The whole situation sounds fishy to me
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh give me a break.  If I could just easily, and without significant cost, change the guest list for security I wouldn't have posted this asking people's opinions.</div><div>
</div><div>So, sorry if neither of you have ever worked with one this particular.  And also sorry that neither of you have anything better to do with your day than speculate on whether I am telling the truth...just not posting in this thread at all would be a better decision in that case.</div><div>
</div><div>And, when wither of you have the chance to work with a security company as particular as the one we are dealing with,  think back to how judgmental you were to me...especially as you are dealing with the problems clreated by the situation.</div>

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:905b639c-2149-4a04-83e5-c1502d3fb2f0">Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : Oh give me a break.  If I could just easily, and without significant cost, change the guest list for security I wouldn't have posted this asking people's opinions. So, sorry if neither of you have ever worked with one this particular.  And also sorry that neither of you have anything better to do with your day than speculate on whether I am telling the truth...just not posting in this thread at all would be a better decision in that case. And, when wither of you have the chance to work with a security company as particular as the one we are dealing with,  think back to how judgmental you were to me...especially as you are dealing with the problems clreated by the situation.
Posted by TheWeddingBunny[/QUOTE]

<div>I believe you.  I just think the company is full of sh*t and you  just got taken advantage of, that's all.</div>

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:905b639c-2149-4a04-83e5-c1502d3fb2f0">Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : Oh give me a break.  If I could just easily, and without significant cost, change the guest list for security I wouldn't have posted this asking people's opinions. So, sorry if neither of you have ever worked with one this particular.  And also sorry that neither of you have anything better to do with your day than speculate on whether I am telling the truth...just not posting in this thread at all would be a better decision in that case. And, when wither of you have the chance to work with a security company as particular as the one we are dealing with,  think back to how judgmental you were to me...especially as you are dealing with the problems clreated by the situation.
Posted by TheWeddingBunny[/QUOTE]



Oh, please. All I said was it sounds fishy to me. Which it does.

TheWeddingBunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_standing-firm-on-rsvp-deadline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12245835-5c7b-4b32-b84d-9f072ff34840Post:d654371d-65b8-4eaa-821c-04a51998ffb9">Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Standing Firm on RSVP Deadline???? : I believe you.  I just think the company is full of sh*t and you  just got taken advantage of, that's all.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>So do I.  And I assure you that if we had time to call around, we would have.  But we discovered the intent of the person to show up, crash, and attempt to object about a week and a half ago.  So, we are doing the best we can with the security company we were able to contract with.</div>