Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?

[Deleted User]

There is no way in hades that I would invite someone who sexually harrassed me to my wedding. Period. It is hard for me to imagine that scenario because I'm pretty sure my mom would have cut something off from my cousin if I were in your situation but...still, you shouldn't have to do that, regardless of family dynamics.

I know you said you were in couseling for this before, but do you still have a counselor you see? Or a religious figure you trust? I think you should bring this specific issue to them. It is a hard issue and you are being, unfortunately, put into a very difficult position that could bring up some old, bad, buried feelings. Honestly, I see a little in your posts - saying you don't want to be responsible for this rift between your mom and your sister. You AREN'T - in any way, shape or form, even if you don't invite the cousin. Your cousin is responsible for abusing you. Your mother is responsible for valuing the secret and her (false) relationship with her sister over your safety and wellbeing. You are blameless here. Maybe talking to someone again will help you confront the feelings that are making you blame yourself and help you find the strength to do what is best for you.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:2c0719f1-653c-48ae-bcdf-c7646918dc50">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kristen, the cousin is 7 years older, making him 14 when the abuse started. A 14 year old full well knows what is going on and how disgusting their behavior with a 7 year old is. He was not a child. 
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

I'm not saying he didn't know right from wrong.  But I have to disagree with you there, a 14 year old is still a child. 

And it's not like I'm suggesting that she invite him.  I already said she shouldn't.  I was just defending the OP that I don't necessary think she should feel guilty for not reporting him. 

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:70e1ce6e-5a9e-4d06-a46b-3bc72a91b341">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not? : I'm not defending the cousin, because none of us knows the circumstances of the harassment.  But I would like to point out again that OP's cousin was a child himself when this happened so I wouldn't necessary assume that he is a pedophile.  I'm sure OP is in a better position to assess.
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]


I'm sorry, but a kid who abuses their cousin for 2 years doesn't just grow out of it.  Maybe he is not doing this to young girls, but it's likely he is abusing women in some way.

I should have said before that I do not think she needs to make this a huge announcement or anything.  Just don't invite the cousin.   If they push the issues on why and the standard answers of budget, room, etc don't work  then I would absoutely tell them the reason.

 I only see a few options here, all of them potential are hard.  Best case she doesn't invited them and they don't bring it up.  That is ideal, but unlikely.   All the other options will hurt people in some way as these things often do.  Only the OP can decide how she wants to continue.

Grozikn

Absolutely do not invite him to the wedding. Your mother is being very disrespectful to you by insisting that you do invite someone who sexually harassed you as a child. I would rather deal with the outcome of not inviting that creep then having him there. You need to let your mother know it is YOUR day and you will not have someone there who is a sexual predator. What if there are little girls there and he makes THEM uncomfortable?? Sorry but I work in corrections and know what sexual deviants are like. I hope you make the right choice.

Darbie914

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:baa837fd-d6db-4bf5-b52c-600746541f67">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]She is paying for some of the wedding. She was sensitive about it, and very very upset when I told her about it yeras ago. <strong>She says she understands</strong>, but I still need to invite him. Her words were..you need to invite them, and it's up to them if they go or not.
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

<div>Clearly, she does not understand.  And as a parent, she should be your #1 supporter through your life.  It makes me furious and so sad for you that you have to deal with this.  </div><div>
</div><div>This is YOUR life.  YOUR happiness is much deserved and no one, NO ONE, should ever make you feel as if you have to compromise that.  Your mom is putting her own happiness and well-being above her daughter's and that is not cool.  She views her relationship with her sister's as more important than her daughter's.  If you were talking about not inviting him because he was just an ass or something, that would be a different thing.  Please, please do not invite him.  Call your mom's bluff, and if she truly won't attend your wedding and disown you, as sad as it may be, I think you're better off.  </div><div>
</div><div>Hugs.</div>

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:ca3d36d9-aef0-4c2f-b397-ea8e8ac94f2c">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is no way in hades that I would invite someone who sexually harrassed me to my wedding. Period. It is hard for me to imagine that scenario because I'm pretty sure my mom would have cut something off from my cousin if I were in your situation but...still, you shouldn't have to do that, regardless of family dynamics. I know you said you were in couseling for this before, but do you still have a counselor you see? Or a religious figure you trust? I think you should bring this specific issue to them. It is a hard issue and you are being, unfortunately, put into a very difficult position that could bring up some old, bad, buried feelings. Honestly, I see a little in your posts - <strong>saying you don't want to be responsible for this rift between your mom and your sister. You AREN'T - in any way, shape or form, even if you don't invite the cousin. Your cousin is responsible for abusing you. Your mother is responsible for valuing the secret and her (false) relationship with her sister over your safety and wellbeing. You are blameless here. </strong>Maybe talking to someone again will help you confront the feelings that are making you blame yourself and help you find the strength to do what is best for you.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

100%.  OP, read this again and again.  You will <strong>not </strong>be the reason for the fallout between your mom and your aunt.

orangehills

Honestly- maybe now is the time your aunt finds out about what horrible children she has. And if she doesn't talk to your mom anymore just because her kids didn't get invited to a wedding, who gives a shi? That's not your problem. Your problem is to stand up for yourself, and allowing them to come to your own wedding is doing the opposite of that, almost letting him win over you. You are going to be a wife- it's time you care about yourself, and your husband's opinions, not your mom's messed up ones. Save up some money and pay for the wedding yourself if you think she is going to back out. I mean, it's a wedding now- will she expect him to come to your kids birthday parties in the future over fear of your aunt getting mad? Take a stand! What happened to you was horrible and you have every right to acknowledge that and keep it away from you! I just hope your mom wisens up!

OliveOilsMom

As a PP pointed out, I think you should consider going back to therapy.  You will not be responsible for any relationship problems between your mom and your aunt.  You thinking you are responsible makes me think that in someway your aren't over the harassment.  It is horrible of your mother to put you in such a position to begin with. 

Also, as others have said, save up the money that your mom was going to spend on your wedding and pay for it yourself. 

Have you ever told your dad about this?  What does he think? 

AdeleDazeem

I'm only part way through the responses, but I don't understand how she is keeping this secret from someone she is so close to!

I'm very close to my sister.  If her kid did something to my kid like this (or vice versa), it would have been handled appropriately between the two of us.  I would never keep something like that from her!

Your mother isn't protecting her family from drama, she's protecting her nephew for the sake of his victims.  Not cool.

NYCMercedes

Just my two cents. Most likely what this boy did is illegal. OP could call the police and report a crime. Wonder how all the adults would feel about this being in the public record. Mom may decide the alternative of just not inviting him would be the simpler route.

jlm9113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:973495cd-9b66-4bfc-b667-2729b4979c1a">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just my two cents. Most likely what this boy did is illegal. OP could call the police and report a crime. Wonder how all the adults would feel about this being in the public record. Mom may decide the alternative of just not inviting him would be the simpler route.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

This.

Depending on your current age, the statute of limitations may not have run yet.

emricmacy

It's just not going to happen right now before the wedding to tell my whole family, aunt included about the incident years ago. Maybe after the wedding.

I feel like since my aunt doesn't know what happened, she will be mad at my mom. That's why I feel like if they stop tlaking it would be my fault.

I know it's my choice to tell everyone or not, but not right now.

rsanna

I agree with PPs. Please, please don't invite this guy to your wedding. It is NOT your fault if it damages the relationship and you should not have even been put into this position in the first place. It is never a good time to tell anyone that someone that person cares for has sexually harassed someone else. Ever. But this should not be something you let happen at your wedding.

orangehills

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:742db051-f120-49fa-9dcb-f6f29b3f8439">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just not going to happen right now before the wedding to tell my whole family, aunt included about the incident years ago. Maybe after the wedding. I feel like since my aunt doesn't know what happened, she will be mad at my mom. That's why I feel like if they stop tlaking it would be my fault. I know it's my choice to tell everyone or not, but not right now.
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]


NO. If they stop talking, it's your aunt's petty fault and your mom's fault for not doing something about it when you told her. NOT YOUR FAULT! I think you need to go back to therapy to realize that! And if your mom tried to blame you, I think it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with her, because it would clearly be toxic. And I think the minute your wedding/honeymoon is over, you need to let your aunt know what happened. Being in therapy would really help you prep for that and get through it as well, because if you continue to keep it secret, he could prey on others, or your kids in the future if you are pressured into inviting him to everything. Not good.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:e7c4a68c-792b-4dca-b056-d0a131cea7be">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lets get a few things straight. <strong>Your aunt would stop talking to your mom because of your adult decisions? Then your aunt is an idiot and a b#$!h </strong>even if she didn't have an abusive sexual predator for a son, which she does.  Your mom? If I knew this woman irl it would take all my sanity to keep from doing her bodily harm. <strong>Where does she even get off calling herself a mother? I can't fathom what kind of a person you have to be to want to do this to your child. </strong> Do not invite that man. If your mom throws a fit, you tell to go ahead and explain to your aunt why you won' t invite her son, and then you tell her to get on her high horse and ride it right over a cliff. Also, what makes her think your husband won't come after that man if he comes? Because his bsc mil wants to fake happy at the expense of his wife's health? Nu- uh, if I was him I would be in her face, fututre ties be damned.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

This and This

OP.... I know it's so hard, but it's time to start cutting some ties if your family, especially your mom, won't treat you with support and respect.

Cling to your FI for support, it sounds like he understands how uncomfortable this would be for you. 

Gabrielle76

Don't invite him. 

There are people you have to put up with at your wedding for the good of the family.  Someone who harassed/abused you is not one of them.  Put your foot down.  If your aunt asks your mother (or you) why her son wasn't invited, explain what happened.

Frankly it shocks me that your mother has spent years happily friends with her sister, never telling her 'oh by the way, your son harassed my daughter so badly she was in therapy'.  It's great to hear that through work and therapy you're doing well, that takes a lot of strength.  Use that strength again, don't be bullied into having him there. 

Jen4948

One other thing...not only should you not invite him, you should warn security at your venue, your coordinator if you have one, and VIPs that this !@#$ may show up anyway and have him thrown out on his @ss if he shows up.  And this is to happen regardless of any protests made by your mother or aunt.  He is NOT a welcome guest.

jlm9113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:904f3f5b-20c1-4a24-892c-eb4aa9d67681">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Statute of limitations is usually 10 years.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

Or a certain number of years after the victim turns 18.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:742db051-f120-49fa-9dcb-f6f29b3f8439">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just not going to happen right now before the wedding to tell my whole family, aunt included about the incident years ago. Maybe after the wedding. I feel like since my aunt doesn't know what happened, she will be mad at my mom. That's why I feel like if they stop tlaking it would be my fault. I know it's my choice to tell everyone or not, but not right now.
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

Ditto Liatris's response. You should NOT have to deal with this on your wedding day. It is not your fault if your Aunt can't realize that you can't invite everyone and their extended family.

I really hope that you don't let your mom push you into inviting him.

MsYeck

Any chance of you contacting your aunt and just telling her why you do not want to invite him? Sounds like the secret has been kept to long already. That way if your mom still goes down the wrong parenting path and invites him without your consent maybe the jerk will be smart enough to decline. Your mother should never place these people ahead of her own children.

MsYeck

Any chance of you contacting your aunt and just telling her why you do not want to invite him? Sounds like the secret has been kept to long already. That way if your mom still goes down the wrong parenting path and invites him without your consent maybe the jerk will be smart enough to decline. Your mother should never place these people ahead of her own children.

Peledreamsofrain

What a terrible mother and a horrible himan being. If ANYBODY touches a child of mine like that, a relationship is just going to be number 52 on the list of items they experience breakage in. Heeeeeell no to all of this. Both your mother's lack of basic humanity for her own child, and for you being so passive about all this. Get angry, you need to, and deserve it.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:742db051-f120-49fa-9dcb-f6f29b3f8439">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just not going to happen right now before the wedding to tell my whole family, aunt included about the incident years ago. Maybe after the wedding. I feel like since my aunt doesn't know what happened, she will be mad at my mom. That's why I feel like if they stop tlaking it would be my fault. I know it's my choice to tell everyone or not, but not right now.
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]
I totally get what you're saying. And I can see where your mom is coming from. She is up between a rock and a hard place. Her sister is going to get pissed at her and your mom can't justify the actions without giving up your secret. <div>It actually does border on selfishness on your part. I mean, if you wait to tell, your aunt gets mad at your mom. If you tell now, then it causes drama, but at least it won't all be on your mom. </div><div>I'm not saying you have to tell anyone, but that's where you stand right now. Tell now and cause drama. Tell later and cause drama. Keep quiet and only your mom suffers. </div><div>
<div>If you don't want to tell your aunt, that's fine. Please know that your cousin is possibly harassing other girls, though. Either he's a pedo or he's not. Either way, he's probably traumatizing other girls and YOU can help to put a stop to that. Please consider telling someone other than your mom sooner rather than later.</div></div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:ca27c613-06ab-4b64-806a-523735011b67">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I know that if I don't invite him, my mom will pretty much disown me..
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

She's going to put this nephew's feelings over yours?  Unbelieveable!

j-harvey

<p> </p>

Summer2011Bride

I just truly can't understand a mother acting this way. If a cousin did this to me, as soon as my mom found out, not getting invited to the wedding would be the least of his concerns. And he'd probably be thankful most likely to be in jail rather than have her deal with it herself. A mom is supposed to stick up for you, support you and have your back. Why does she have her sister's/nephew's back over yours? I am so sorry you are going through this, but your mom is in the wrong here. Absolutely. No questions asked.

You do NOT invite him and if your mother would stop talking to you over that, well, I really hate to say this, but she is not a good mother then.

harper0813

Your mother is putting her own "needs" before her daughter's and that's despicable. Honestly, I urge you to call your aunt or have your mom call her sister and explain what your cousin did to you because if she doesn't know, she'll probably see it as an attack on her and her family, rather than for what it is: severing ties with someone that harmed you. We all are very concerned about you - and I, for one, a, concerned about the resistance you're coming back with. You seem ready to give into your mom just to keep her and her sister happy but she obviously doesn't know what's best for you. Heck, WE know better than she does! Because one of us cannot adopt you, please please take the advice here to heart and no more excuses - pleeeease - for your own sake, because you deserve so much better!

jennyd412

Sorry you are going through this. I don't know what the details are related to the harassment. However, I bet your aunt had some sense that her son was inappropriately sexual., That being said, she probably wouldn't acknowledge it then or now. I don't know your family, so I can't judge, but in most cases a sexually acting out child (yes, 14 is a child) has been sexually abused in some way as well. This situation is probably much more complicated than any of us know. I am sorry your Mom is making you feel like you need to keep this a secret. I would say your aunt will likely not believe you, but I would NOT invite this cousin and tell your aunt the reason if she asks.

sierraberry32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:dcbda3b2-dd27-4bae-8df7-f3e3b4b162e7">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]This harassment was when I was about 7, lasted 2 years. I did go to counseling for a few years, and that helped a lot. I"m "over it", but still don't want him to be there. He also has a brother, who is VERY creepy, and I don't want him there either. One of my mom's sister's didn't talk to my mom for years about something totally different, and she said she doesn't want that to happen again. I understand where she's coming from. I would be upset if my sister didn't talk to me. But everyone else invited to our wedding is either family, or great friends. My mom said they might not even go, but still, what if they say yes!
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Nobody on here will expect you to "get over it"... All you can really do is cope with it. I am really sorry this happening to you. Don't invite the child molester. Screw what your mom has to say. No real mother would allow her daughters molester to attend her daughters wedding, thats just sick! </div>

MMoy2

He wont be coming to your wedding because you wont be inviting him. Your wedding and happiness are far more important than any pettiness between your aunt and mother. If your aunt would be that upset over not being invited, I wonder how upset she would be to learn that her son is a monster. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  You need to put your foot down. Your new husband has your best interests in mind and clearly knows your cousin shouldnt be there. Listen to your husband-to-be. You are under no obligation to invite anyone at all - no matter what their relation. Remember that this is about you and your husband, not about pleasing your mother.