help me! big difficult decision

haileyschwebbs

So my FH best man is his best friend, and he has become like a brother to me. He was recently divorced and even though we warned them not to he decided to start dating a good friend of mine.

this good friend of mine and him had a very very very messy breakup about a year ago. they are basically bitter enemies (more on her side than on his). This is after FH and i mad them promise that if anything went wrong (when they first started dating) that they would have to remain very civil because they are both our friends.

So to add another chink in this chain... good friend and i became estranged a few months back. She didnt appreciate me anymore as a friend and we had quite the falling out. this happened at the time i sent out our save the dates and subsuquently did not send her one. We have now mended the fences but im still not 100% back committed to being a full time friend to her because of how hurt i was by her actions and words. 

She constantly asks me about the wedding and stuff and finally asked the other day if she is going to be invited. I have discussed this with my FH and he does not want her there because a) she was quite a bad friend to me during that time b) she is his best mans ex gf and c) she has a tendency to be quite bold and blunt and neither of us want to have the attention put on her during our special day (sorry to sound like a biatch lol)

I dont want to hurt her feelings because we mended fences but i dont want to put me and my FH and his best man in an awkward position. What do i do!

Sorry this was so long but it needed explaining lol 

nextrightthing

"This is after FH and i mad them promise that if anything went wrong (when they first started dating) that they would have to remain very civil because they are both our friends."

First, this is kind of silly.  If they wanted to date, that is their business, and it is kind of selfish of you to demand that they "remain very civil because they are both [your] friends."  To be blunt, it isn't all about you. 

As far as your wedding goes, depending on how close of a friendship you have/had, not inviting her could be a friendship-ender.  But you still have to respect your FI's opinion.  If you don't mind the friendship ending, don't invite her.  If you do and your FI is okay with it, invite her.  Frankly, it doesn't seem like you even like this girl so I don't know why you are trying to "mend the fence." 

TBH, this all sounds immature to me.  Especially this:  "c) she has a tendency to be quite bold and blunt and neither of us want to have the attention put on her during our special day (sorry to sound like a biatch lol)."  You will be the bride.  The attention will be on you.  Not inviting someone because they are bold and blunt is silly.  If you dislike her, don't be her friend.  I don't get the whole "frenemy" thing at ALL.  I personally don't have time or space in my life to pretend to like people I secretly dislike and talk sh!! about.

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-me-big-difficult-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:132a4c01-473d-4057-967c-f844c08a7722Post:22ff5487-a412-4763-ad0c-8b60aa935452">help me! big difficult decision</a>:
[QUOTE]So my FH best man is his best friend, and he has become like a brother to me. He was recently divorced and even though we warned them not to <strong>(you should stayed out of this one) </strong>he decided to start dating a good friend of mine. this good friend of mine and him had a very very very messy breakup about a year ago. they are basically bitter enemies (more on her side than on his). This is after FH and i mad them promise that if anything went wrong (when they first started dating) that they would have to remain very civil because they are both our friends. <strong>(they are adults, you really can't dictate this).  </strong>So to add another chink in this chain... good friend and i became estranged a few months back. She didnt appreciate me anymore as a friend and we had quite the falling out. this happened at the time i sent out our save the dates and subsuquently did not send her one. We have now mended the fences but im still not 100% back committed to being a full time friend to her because of how hurt i was by her actions and words.  She constantly asks me about the wedding and stuff and finally asked the other day if she is going to be invited. I have discussed this with my FH and he does not want her there because a) she was quite a bad friend to me during that time b) she is his best mans ex gf and c) she has a tendency to be quite bold and blunt and neither of us want to have the attention put on her during our special day (sorry to sound like a biatch lol) <strong>Take this reason right out.  If anyone is paying attention her and not you in a white dress and your FI/H in the tux standing at the front of the room, having the spotlight dance and being toasted they're crazy).  </strong>I dont want to hurt her feelings because we mended fences but i dont want to put me and my FH and his best man in an awkward position. What do i do! Sorry this was so long but it needed explaining lol 
Posted by haileyschwebbs[/QUOTE]

<div>If you've mended fences, and want to continue the friendship I'd invite her.  You probably shouldn't have stuck your nose into her/his dating life in the first place but that ship has sailed.  The best man and your friends are adults.  If they can't act like adults and be civil over the course of an evening event for their friends to celebrate, too bad for them.  The third point is a non-issue.  You'll be the one in the white dress/fancy tux getting married which is what the day is all about.  Nothing can take away from that.  </div>

wrigleyville

I dated a guy a while back, and we had mutual friends. It was a messy, hurtful breakup. We remained civil, but I realized my friends were asking too much of me to sit in a room with him and pretend I liked him. I stopped going to events where he was present until I got over the breakup. If my friends had demanded I act like everything was hunky-dory, I'd have told them to get bent. You can't dictate someone's emotions. Instead, I removed myself from the situation because I couldn't trust myself not to glare at him every few seconds.

Once I got over it, I was able to hang out with everyone and be civil to him. I've been to a few weddings where he is present with the girl he was schtupping behind my back, but I remained civil because I'm an adult. You need to trust your friend to be an adult. I'm loud, brash, and blunt at get-togethers, but I know how to comport myself at a wedding. I simply make sure I'm as far away from him as possible and try to kill him with my brain instead.

If she gets loud and causes a scene, you could have someone ask her to leave. If she becomes dramatic, people will think badly of her, not you. In fact, you'll probably get some sympathy. It won't ruin your day. It's still your wedding day. I can't imagine she'd go so far as to throw the cake at him or something.

You're assuming she's going to act up, but perhaps you should give her some credit. If you've mended fences, it's only going to break them if you decline to invite her on some premonition she might act up. I'd invite her. For all you know, she'll be fine but Aunt Trudy is going to get drunk and surf on a table during "Wipeout".

haileyschwebbs

let me be clearer... we didnt want to be involved in their relationship but there are some reasons... all they did was talk about their problems through us. To make matters worse... best man was living at our house after the divorce... kinda hard to stay out of it if its under your roof. 

And shes not a frenemy... she was one of my best friends... but neither of us feel the drama is necessary on a day that should be about love.

her and i talk almost every day but i try to keep the wedding convo to a minimum... she is always bringing it up and saying how she would love to help so it makes me feel bad.

If it were solely up to me id invite her... but FH doesnt really think its such a good idea... i am kinda at the point where i know shes not gonna be invited but i dont know how to explain it to her.

I have kinda pre-explained it to her in the past and she basically has said how it wouldnt be a problem if she came and she would behave and stuff but the FH doesnt want her there... hence why im torn... 

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-me-big-difficult-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:132a4c01-473d-4057-967c-f844c08a7722Post:f2d5cd17-f4a9-4c48-92e5-1b12d3d53103">Re: help me! big difficult decision</a>:
[QUOTE]let me be clearer... we didnt want to be involved in their relationship but there are some reasons... <strong>all they did was talk about their problems through us.</strong> To make matters worse... best man was living at our house after the divorce... kinda hard to stay out of it if its under your roof.  And shes not a frenemy... she was one of my best friends. .. but neither of us feel the drama is necessary on a day that should be about love. her and i talk almost every day but i try to keep the wedding convo to a minimum... she is always bringing it up and saying how she would love to help so it makes me feel bad. If it were solely up to me id invite her... but FH doesnt really think its such a good idea... i am kinda at the point where i know shes not gonna be invited but i dont know how to explain it to her. I have kinda pre-explained it to her in the past and she basically has said how it wouldnt be a problem if she came and she would behave and stuff but the FH doesnt want her there... hence why im torn... 
Posted by haileyschwebbs[/QUOTE]

To the bolded:  This is why you should never bad talk about your SO to your friends.  You will begin to hate the SO and not see any of their good qualities.  Did your FI not like your friend prior to her dating the BM? 

This girl also seems like she is a good friend to you.  You need to have a discussion with FI with the pros and cons of why she should be invited.  I absolutely think you will damage this friendship further if she is not invited to the wedding.  But you and FI have to come to a decision together about this.

ReichertWedding

You should not invite her, end of story. Save yourself the drama and hassle. You should not feel bad about this decision, there is no rule that says she should be invited. If you have to ask for advice about whether or not you should invite her, it is clear that you should't because you are having substantiated doubts. Just let her know that the guest list has already been decided on,and you are sorry, but she will not be invited. Just let it go. If she is upset with you, then you two have no business being friends.

MrsGandthebeag

Seems kind of strange not to invite someone you talk with on the daily.

nextrightthing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-me-big-difficult-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:132a4c01-473d-4057-967c-f844c08a7722Post:5685a7fc-ca10-4031-b403-8241c576bcf3">Re: help me! big difficult decision</a>:
[QUOTE]Seems kind of strange not to invite someone you talk with on the daily.
Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]

This.  Look, if you don't want to invite her (seems like you don't), then don't.  But be prepared to no longer be friends with her. 

zantster

Since by your ticker you still have over 8 months to go and at this point the odds of her being invited are dim, I would just tell her that you two are focusing on a mostly close knit type of wedding since you all are keeping your budget in mind.  But if the list expands you will let her know but it's great that she wants to celebrate your big day.  Notice that I did not use the phrases "immediate family" or "small wedding"  since I don't know what your guest count is and I don't want you to lie.  But an ambiguous term like "close knit" could mean anyone that you all see as close, which is exactly who you are inviting.  And everyone keeps their budget in mind no matter what so that keeps you clean too.  Hope this helps.  The rest of the stuff that happened in the past is water under the  bridge now so I'm not focusing on the shoulda, coulda, woulda of that though I may have handles a few things differently as well.

OwningAHome1981

You should be able to invite anyone of your friends that you want. I don't like all of my FH's friends, but he is certainly allowed to invite anyone that he wants, especially people he considers a friend. Who am I to say he can or can't? I don't have to like them. Your FH really needs to respect your feelings. If you want to invite this girl, do it. If he doesn't like her, he doesn't have to speak to her or hang out with her. It's one day of your life.

zantster

Oh!  I forgot to say that what I suggested in my previous post kind of gives you some time to see if your FH softens up a little without promising anything to her right this second.

haileyschwebbs

man all your responses are so mixed haha im still confused! 

he likes her but he obvioulsy loves his best friend better.. and i understand that and i just dont know if its worth the headache to have her... she has expressed that she wouldnt be mad if we didnt invite her but for some reason i just feel so guilty about it!