Bridesmaid MIA, but for a good reason - what to do?

cupcakeapron

Hi everyone, I'm new to the knot boards mostly because my planning has been pretty smooth sailing... until now. 

I am being pretty lax with my BMs, they're all picking out their own LBD and all they have to do is send me a pic of it so I can approve--then show up to the bridal brunch the day of. I'd been having trouble getting in contact with one of them, my cousin. During the best of times she's a little bit slow in responding to my messages so I'd been blowing it off a bit lately. 

Well, my bridal shower was yesterday and the hostesses tried to reach her, but she didn't show up. It was my family and friends, so my mom asked her mom if everything was ok. Turns out she's in a horribly abusive relationship with a very controlling guy who monitors what she does, phone calls, etc (they live together). In fact, he does everything horrible under the sun to her and honestly, my heart is so broken for her. Her mom said that chances are she MAY come to the wedding, but won't be able to be in it. 

I obviously haven't heard this from her. I can't reach her, other than going to her place of work every day until she's there, but she's honestly really busy then and wouldn't really be able to talk about the wedding (not to mention she works in a pretty public place). I wouldn't dare bring up the boyfriend situation, of course, but I don't know what to do. We're the same age and grew up together, I just can't imagine it without her. 

I'm not even sure I know what to say to her. I don't want it to be like I'm kicking her out of the wedding... because I'm not. How do I bring it up tactfully, without causing her more grief?

danieliza1127

I don't think I would bring it up with her at all.  You've tried reaching her, she obviously knows your wedding is coming up.  I would just lay off for a while and see if she comes to you to tell you what's going on.  If she doesn't, then you'll be down one BM on the wedding day.  It happened to us because my BM had her baby early, it was no big deal at all. 

It sounds like your cousin has bigger issues to deal with right now. If you do talk to her, I wouldn't even make it about the wedding, make it about her and offering support and help. 

Knittibell

I agree- it's not like your sides have to be even, or anything, so just let her know you're there for her, and if she shows up at the wedding in an LBD ready to go, awesome... if not, well you'll have a spare BM bouquet is the only downside I can think of, really. I'd keep her name in the program and whatnot, because she means so much to you, and would obviously be there for you if she can.

Brie2010

I think you should just try to be the best friend possible in this situation and forget about your wedding altogether.

You said you "wouldn't dare bring up the boyfriend situation," but as a friend and relative, that's exactly what you need to do.   You need to step up and try to get her OUT of that situation rather than turn your back on her and ignore it.   Go over to her house, take her out to lunch, and say, "What is happening in your relationship is not healthy.  He is controlling you in the following ways, and I am very, very concerned this will escalate and you will wind up hurt or dead.  Here are some places you can go for counseling/help."  Get her numbers and cards from domestic violence shelters.  Tell her that you are willing to help her get out.  Get her a cell phone he doesn't know exists so she can get the hell out of there.

Usually, I'm of the "leave other people's business alone" camp, but her health and well-being are being seriously compromised, and she needs someone to help her break through the brainwashing and get the hell out.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-mia-but-good-reason?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13c8b13c-2b36-4bdb-b238-23fd755335a0Post:4df944c2-6e78-4db5-9ceb-24d2efd29e2a">Re: Bridesmaid MIA, but for a good reason - what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should just try to be the best friend possible in this situation and forget about your wedding altogether. You said you "wouldn't dare bring up the boyfriend situation," but as a friend and relative, that's exactly what you need to do.   You need to step up and try to get her OUT of that situation rather than turn your back on her and ignore it.   Go over to her house, take her out to lunch, and say, "What is happening in your relationship is not healthy.  He is controlling you in the following ways, and I am very, very concerned this will escalate and you will wind up hurt or dead.  Here are some places you can go for counseling/help."  Get her numbers and cards from domestic violence shelters.  Tell her that you are willing to help her get out.  Get her a cell phone he doesn't know exists so she can get the hell out of there. Usually, I'm of the "leave other people's business alone" camp, but her health and well-being are being seriously compromised, and she needs someone to help her break through the brainwashing and get the hell out.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

<div>I am in total 100% agreement with Brie.</div><div>
</div><div> This is a very personal issue with me because my uncle's granddaughter (he was previously married) was killed by her boyfriend (he then killed himself) and she was in the exact situation that your cousin is currently in. So I beg you to get your family together and get your cousin out of this guy's life, my uncle's family didn't do this (basically just told her that he's a jerk and to get away from him, nothing more) and the result was tragic. I'm sure if my uncle's family could go back in time they would have dragged her out and sent her across the country to get her away from him and get counseling for being physically and mentally abused by him. This isn't even a wedding issue to me, this is a<font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000"> <strong>mega red flag</strong></font><strong> </strong>that your family <strong><span style="text-decoration:underline;" class="Apple-style-span">needs to take action NOW</span></strong> to save your cousin from this guy. </div>

noelle24

why are you even concerned about your wedding at all?  I agree with Brie completely.  Your cousin needs serious help, and ignoring the situation is not going to make it okay.  It will probably make her feel even more isolated and alone.  Talk to her mom and find a way to get her the help she desperately needs!

redheadfsu

ditto Brie.

Please try to get your cousin help. She may not listen right now, but let her know that whenever she is ready you will be there waiting. Good luck.

cupcakeapron

Hi everyone, 

I understand your points of view. I am concerned--and so is everyone who knows in my family. Her mom has offered her everything in the world, so has her sister--they've offered to let her come live with them if she's scared to leave (sis lives in IL, so he couldn't find her very easily). They've offered her cars, rides, phones, whatever. Her best friends have offered her a place to stay, a ride to leave him, etc. She truly thinks she loves him and believes that they're right for each other, that she's helping him--she is NOT INTERESTED in leaving.

When someone does tell her/ask her to leave or mention his abuse, she ignores them for a few weeks or longer. I don't want to bring up that topic if she's going to blow me off too--it's not about the wedding, necessarily, I just hoped that might be the thing to change her mind. Hard to explain, I guess. I know it's not healthy, we discussed it yesterday and literally, none of us can think of anything else to do. She loves her niece and her sis really thought she would come back to sis's house in IL, but she refused, because he needed her. 

Any other thoughts? I need all the advice I can get. 

Brie2010

I would suggest contacting a local domestic violence shelter.  Most of them have absolutely fantastic women that serve as advocates and counselors, and are used to dealing with women in this situation.  She may find it a lot easier to blow you off, as family, than she would a trained professional.  I've worked with DV shelters and victims quite a bit, and these advocates are absolutely amazing.  They know exactly how to deal with people in your cousin's situation, and while they may not be able to get her out, they will at least be a neutral third party contact for her should things get rough.  These advocates are usually on call 24-7, and something as simple as having one of their phone numbers could potentially save her life.  They can also inform her about the resources available to her (safe, concealed housing; a new cell phone and number; job counseling; restraining orders; food banks; free clothing and toiletries; support groups, childcare, etc) that you may not know about.

I'd definitely recommend talking with a shelter.  They are absolutely fantastic in situations like this.

brookelynpaisley

I would go and talk to her and just reach out to her as friend and cousin. Her role in your wedding should be the least of your worries, and she may or may not talk to you about the BF. I'd just make sure she knows you're there for her. And like Brie said, I would contact someone who knows how to reach out to her. My guess is that you can do so anonymously.

Knittibell

This is the thing that's so hard- abusive relationships are like addictions, and she's going to have to hit her "rock bottom" or have her "a ha" moment before she'll do anything. All you can do is let her know you're there for her, for ANYTHING at ANY TIME. I hope she gets the hell out, and soon.

noelle24

Ditto Brie...again.  Contact trained professionals at a local DV shelter.  Hopefully they can give you advice (and contact information should your cousin need it).  I sincerely hope your cousin wakes up soon and realizes she's worth so much more than this.

cupcakeapron

Thanks everyone. I am looking into the DV shelters now. I am really hoping to go see her at work this week... otherwise I won't be able to talk to her without him knowing. I pray that she gets out of this before its too late. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers, too

AutumnFair

Brie pretty much summed it up again.

I also agree with Knittibell that this is what drives people on the outside aka friend/family insane when it comes to trying to help someone they care about to get out and they are in denial.

The only other thing that I know is a long time ago when my aunt had gotten beaten up my her now Ex. When my aunt called my mom, my mom and dad went to my aunts and physically removed her from the house. My mom put my aunt in the car (with my cousin) and made sure she stayed there while my dad and other aunt got her some of her things to take. My mom did not allow my aunt to return to that house, it took a couple months with staying with my mom and dad for her to finally "wake up" from the denial she had been living in. After that she found herself an apartment and never looked back. She now has her own house and is a manager. 

I really hope your cousin can get out of there, once she does get her far away so neither he nor her can reach each other again.

Meagan78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-mia-but-good-reason?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:13c8b13c-2b36-4bdb-b238-23fd755335a0Post:105bd2d0-f139-4a5a-a1b3-87acfeac47d2">Re: Bridesmaid MIA, but for a good reason - what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is the thing that's so hard- abusive relationships are like addictions, and she's going to have to hit her "rock bottom" or have her "a ha" moment before she'll do anything. All you can do is let her know you're there for her, for ANYTHING at ANY TIME. I hope she gets the hell out, and soon.
Posted by Knittibell[/QUOTE]

This.  My ex-husband was severely emotionally abusive.  It is humiliating to realize you've stayed with such a man but you have to reach that point yourself.  What's obvious to others does not always hit you quickly.  My ex would have made my life miserable if I was away from him for a shower.  I might have gone but he would have called several tmes and given me grief when I got home.  Eventually I just stopped because it wasn't worth the grief I got from him.  Hard situation.  :(