Gift Etiquette

mojaywedding

Hi Ladies,

In a bit of a bind here...I got married last year and invited a friend. She did not give us a shower gift/card nor did her and her fiance give us a wedding gift/card. We were registered at many places as we were moving into a condo.

I was taken aback that she didnt even give us a card. 

I just got an invite for her shower which is in a couple of weeks and it requests either lingerie or gift cards.

Should I give her a gift? I cant attend her wedding as I'm pregnant and it's close to my due date but what would you do in this situation???? 

LiLe422

Gifts are not tit for tat.  Honestly, your OP sound petty and childish.  Have you stopped and thought that maybe your friend could've been going through financial issues at the time and that's why she didn't get you a gift?  Andplusalso, gifts are never required so give one or don't, its your call.

misshart00

I think it was rude to ask for gift cards, but no one is ever required to get you a gift. Maybe she was tight on money during your wedding. Go to the shower if you want. But don't make it a grudge match.

Kate61487

She was not obligated to give you a gift (even a card).  Perhaps she was not in a financial position to do so, or just plain forgot.  I would not let that factor into your decision.

However I hate the idea of anyone requesting gift cards.  You make a registry to be helpful to guests to let them know what you like / need.  People aren't stupid; they know money is helpful and will give it without prompting if they want to.  So I might not give a gift just because that irks me.  But a shower is a gift giving event so I'd never attend one without a gift (I just wouldn't be comfortable) which means I'd say (a) or (c).  Either go and give a gift (I'd opt for something physical, not $) or don't give a gift and don't go.

AddieCake

If you want to give her a gift, do so. If not, don't. But don't NOT give her one in retaliation for her not giving you one. 

aurianna

I wouldn't go to her shower or give her a shower gift, but not because she didn't give you a gift... because I think asking specifically for underwear or gift cards is tacky.

Instead, I'd just send a card and whatever kind of gift you want to give her, if any, closer to her wedding.

OwningAHome1981

It is tacky to request gifts on a shower invite. It is not wrong to say where they are registered but to actually say "we request such and such gift", I feel is wrong. A) gifts are not required no one should be told what gift they have to buy.

I think if you do go to the shower you should bring a gift but if you don't go then you don't have to send a gift- although it is nice. I think other people will notice if you didn't bring a gift. And ya, gifts are not tit for tat. You will look like the "right" & "better" person in this scenario by bringing a gift.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:0e326809-cc19-4c07-aee8-133d5a60af5b">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is seriously something that puzzles me every time, so OP, maybe you can answer... How did you come to realize this person didn't get you a gift?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

Wouldn't she know if she received a gift from someone?  I mean, she would have (hopefully) written them a thank you card accordingly...

Anyway OP, whether or not you attend the shower is totally up to you.  Gifts are not tit-for-tat, so give her a gift or not, whatever you want.  However, I would not attend the shower empty-handed.  Showers are gift-giving events.

Amyzen83

Hmmm... I agree with everyone on here that nobody is "required" to give a gift, merely them being there should be good enough, and maybe $$ was tight for them... Although it would be NICE if they at least gave you a card congratulating you, but who knows maybe because they couldn't afford a gift, and forgot to get the card in the process.

Personally I do think it was rude on her part to not get you anything whether it  be a nice card or a gift, but it is also wrong to "expect one". Does this make sense?

Only you could determine whether this is a friend you want to give a gift to or not. If the ONLY reason you don't want to give her anything is because she didn't get you anything for you on your wedding, then that looks petty. However if this is the type of friend who is always taking or asking but never reciprocates, then I would think twice about whether this is a person you want in your life as a friend, and whether you want to even attend her shower.

MsYeck

If our chose to go to the slower take a physical gift, if you don't go our don't give a gift. Don't hold a grudge, it's not worth it.

mlg78

It honestly sounds like she's an etiquette trainwreck.  She should have given you a card -- they're 50 cents at the dollar store!  A gift is not mandatory.  She should also not dictate on her shower invitations what she is requesting.

That being said, I think you're in a tough spot and if I were in your shoes, I'd give a gift -- but something rather small.

Knottie_22382494

I personally would never attend an event like a shower or wedding without a gift but that's just me.  I think if no gift can be given do to other circumstances a card would at least be nice!  Before lurking on this board, I actually thought it was rude to not give a gift. 

I actually have 2 follow up questions to this post:

1)  If you don't receive a gift do you send a thank you for their attendance at the event?
2)  What is etiquette with re-gifted gifts?  I received a re-gifted gift card.  It was clearly re-gifted as the "To" and "From" were filled in and both crossed out.  The "To" was to the giver.  I will obviously send a thank you but should I be as offended as I feel?   I understand money can be tight but they could just as easily gone to the store of said gift card and picked out a small item to give instead.  It just seemed like no effort or thought was put into the gift.  Is this an overreaction?

vanityink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:0e326809-cc19-4c07-aee8-133d5a60af5b">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is seriously something that puzzles me every time, so OP, maybe you can answer... How did you come to realize this person didn't get you a gift?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

This question always puzzles me personally. You need to keep track of who gives you a gift so you can write them a thank you note for them. To make sure I get everyone, I've been putting it into the excel sheet with addresses I have. It wouldnt' bother me if someone didn't get me a gift, but if I really wanted to, I could go through the list after everything is said and done and see who got what/who didn't get anything...

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:0e326809-cc19-4c07-aee8-133d5a60af5b">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is seriously something that puzzles me every time, so OP, maybe you can answer... How did you come to realize this person didn't get you a gift?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd bet she opened all of her cards and gifts and put two and two together and realized that this person didn't give her one.  It's not rocket science.</div>

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:e50007dc-a1f0-4600-a93e-79615bdd72d6">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally would never attend an event like a shower or wedding without a gift but that's just me.  I think if no gift can be given do to other circumstances a card would at least be nice!  Before lurking on this board, I actually thought it was rude to not give a gift.  I actually have 2 follow up questions to this post: 1)  If you don't receive a gift do you send a thank you for their attendance at the event? 2)  What is etiquette with re-gifted gifts?  I received a re-gifted gift card.  It was clearly re-gifted as the "To" and "From" were filled in and both crossed out.  The "To" was to the giver.  I will obviously send a thank you but should I be as offended as I feel?   I understand money can be tight but they could just as easily gone to the store of said gift card and picked out a small item to give instead.  It just seemed like no effort or thought was put into the gift.  Is this an overreaction?
Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1. I wouldn't send a card...unless it was a special effort for them to come to the wedding.</div><div>2. I'd be very offended.  Regifts are never nice, especially if you can't hide the fact that it's a regift.

</div>

misssunshine17

You have to choose to send a gift, but if I did, I definitely send a box gift like a serving tray or something-not what she requested.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:0e326809-cc19-4c07-aee8-133d5a60af5b">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is seriously something that puzzles me every time, so OP, maybe you can answer... How did you come to realize this person didn't get you a gift?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

I think it is easy to figure out who didn't give a gift.

MuppetOverlord

I think it's rude that she did not at least give you a card for your wedding.

However, it seems you question the value of your friendship because of it. That could be taken as petty, or it could be taken as you realizing that perhaps the nature of your relationship has changed and is not as meaningful as it once was. Maybe it's always been just casual.

Make the decision based on how you feel about her and her experience and only about that.  If you're not really friends any more, then don't go. If you are, then participate and bring a present.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:0e326809-cc19-4c07-aee8-133d5a60af5b">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This is seriously something that puzzles me every time, so OP, maybe you can answer... How did you come to realize this person didn't get you a gift?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

<div>I knew who didn't give us gifts because I put everything into our guest list Excel spreadsheet so I could stay organized an appropriately thank people.  Those who had nothing next to their name didn't give us a gift.  I don't care that we didn't get a gift from everyone, but I did realize who didn't give us gifts.</div>

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:8e535882-f268-42e9-8bdb-f8bbac724bb2">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]It honestly sounds like she's an etiquette trainwreck.  She should have given you a card -- they're 50 cents at the dollar store!  A gift is not mandatory.  She should also not dictate on her shower invitations what she is requesting. That being said, I think you're in a tough spot and if I were in your shoes, I'd give a gift -- but something rather small.
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]
Cards are no more required than gifts are.

vanityink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:3e1deff3-a8f3-488d-99cf-f8966805c8a3">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Gift Etiquette: I know that she knows who DID give her one. But with the rush of wedding excitement, the tons of presents and cards she opens after the wedding....how does someone know who DIDN'T give them a present. Does she make a checklist and compare against her guestlist? This is a serious question.
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

Like I said, I have an excel sheet with my guest list. I'm putting in who gets what to make sure I write proper thank you notes. When we get home from the honeymoon, we plan on FI opening the gifts we got at the wedding and adding them to the list for thank you notes...After all that, it would be pretty easy to see who has blank spaces next to their name in the Excel sheet. It hardly takes writing out a list and comparing it point by point trying to ferret out who didn't get a gift. It's just one way of being organized...

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:3e1deff3-a8f3-488d-99cf-f8966805c8a3">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Gift Etiquette: I know that she knows who DID give her one. But with the rush of wedding excitement, the tons of presents and cards she opens after the wedding....how does someone know who DIDN'T give them a present. Does she make a checklist and compare against her guestlist? This is a serious question.
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

I had an excel spreadsheet of every guest I was inviting, their address, their rsvp yes or no, their meal choices and then I had a column that I wrote in their gift if they gave one. Much easier to have it all together.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:bac6e1b2-6a02-4d99-8768-7b049f7efd04">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Etiquette : Since when does etiquette dictate that a wedding card is a must?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


I ask this seriously. Does wedding etiquette REALLY say "no gift" is required from an etiquette stance? I am not being snarky, I am asking simply because iisn't it "etiquette" to bring a "hostess" gift for someone eeven hosting you for a normal every day dinner at their house.

I can understand etiquette to a BRIDE would say "don't be ungrateful and expect gifts" but would etiquette tell GUEST "no gift is ever required?"

Does that make sense?

Personally, I would be embarassed beyond belief to show up at a wedding or shower without giving a gift. Etiquette or not, I would be mortified  personally to do something like that.

As for the OP, be the bigger person and go with a gift...not necessarily lingerie or a gift card, but a gift YOU decide

Ciardasully

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:3ff41ba9-c908-48d1-9324-313607913294">Re:Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Gift Etiquette : I'd bet she opened all of her cards and gifts and put two and two together and realized that this person didn't give her one.  It's not rocket science.
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

<div>We actually had a spreadsheet going just so w  e would have a record refer to when we were writing thank you notes.</div>

Knottie_22382494

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:dba0c994-f335-4d8f-8966-20e3cca77ca9">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Etiquette : In my mother's Emily Post book, the author gives conflicting advice to brides/grooms and guests.  To the couple getting married, she says to never expect gifts from guests and to host them graciously. She just says to send thank you notes to those who gave gifts. To the guests, she advises them to never attend a wedding without sending a gift and that gifts should be sent promptly, not "within a year." This is not the most current edtion of Emily Post. Personally, if I could not afford to give even a small present, I wouldn't attend the wedding.  I would feel bad eating and drinking all night and not having anything to give the couple for the occasion. I'm neurotic about that for some reason.  I don't think that poor people should be barred from social events and weddings or anything, that is just a rule I apply to myself. I wasn't mad at the guests who did not give H and me wedding gifts.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

I went on Emily Post's website and found the following interesting info:

"
<h3>3. Send a gift.</h3> <p>If you are invited to the ceremony and/or reception, you should send a gift, whether you are attending or not. Generally, gifts are sent to the bride in advance of the wedding. In some localities, gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table. If you hear from family that the couple would prefer a charitable donation—as in the case of an older couple or an encore wedding—please respect their wishes. If you receive an announcement after the wedding has taken place, you may send a gift if you wish, but you have no obligation to do so. It is nice to acknowledge the announcement with a card or a note expressing your best wishes."</p><p><a href="http://www.emilypost.com/guests" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/guests</a></p><p>This is actually the protocol I have followed based on the traditions of my family/area but I was wondering what the board regs think of this?</p>

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:bc276f91-bb35-4194-87f8-dc02dfef2452">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Etiquette : I went on Emily Post's website and found the following interesting info: " 3. Send a gift. If you are invited to the ceremony and/or reception, you should send a gift, whether you are attending or not. Generally, gifts are sent to the bride in advance of the wedding. In some localities, gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table. If you hear from family that the couple would prefer a charitable donation—as in the case of an older couple or an encore wedding—please respect their wishes. If you receive an announcement after the wedding has taken place, you may send a gift if you wish, but you have no obligation to do so. It is nice to acknowledge the announcement with a card or a note expressing your best wishes." <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/guests" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/guests</a> This is actually the protocol I have followed based on the traditions of my family/area but I was wondering what the board regs think of this?
Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]

The "Emily Post Website" is crap. It is run by her relatives who don't really give a rip about proper etiquette.

ZiggyZos

I'm so glad my best friend wasn't as judgmental as some of you here; H (then FI) and I spent well over $1,000 between my attire as her MOH, gas for the 9+ hour each way to drive to her wedding and back, two nights in a hotel, our meals except for dinner the evening of her wedding... Plus I had to pay a petsitter to watch our critters and H had to take a day and a half off work and miss a Saturday on-call, meaning he didn't earn any overtime that weekend. Oh, and our wedding was three weeks later. Getting the idea? I didn't have the money at the time to purchase a gift. So should we have said to my friend, "sorry bestie... I don't have the cash to buy you a gift so I'm not coming."? And frankly, in the hustle to get packed and on the road, we forgot to grab the card we'd gotten, which was sitting on the office desk. So we showed up empty handed. She didn't give a flvck. Why? Perhaps because she cares more about her relationships than she does gifts or a flucking $2 piece of paper from Hallmark. (and yes, I eventually did send a gift and the card... After our wedding when we were in a better position financially to do so)

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:dba0c994-f335-4d8f-8966-20e3cca77ca9">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Etiquette : In my mother's Emily Post book, the author gives conflicting advice to brides/grooms and guests.  To the couple getting married, she says to never expect gifts from guests and to host them graciously. She just says to send thank you notes to those who gave gifts. To the guests, she advises them to never attend a wedding without sending a gift and that gifts should be sent promptly, not "within a year." This is not the most current edtion of Emily Post. <strong>Personally, if I could not afford to give even a small present, I wouldn't attend the wedding.  I would feel bad eating and drinking all night and not having anything to give the couple for the occasion. I'm neurotic about that for some reason.  I don't think that poor people should be barred from social events and weddings or anything, that is just a rule I apply to myself. I wasn't mad at the guests who did not give H and me wedding gifts.
</strong>Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

This is how I feel. i wouldn't DREAM of going to a wedding without a gift. I think it is incredibly rude, personally.

but..I also agree that I am totally fine with having people attend my wedding without gifts rather than skipping it due to money..

Summer2011Bride

Neither gifts NOR cards are required. She was not obligated to get you either and you aren't obligated to get her either, but don't be petty about it. If you want to give her a gift, then get her one. They aren't tit for tat. You have no idea why she didn't get you one. It could be she couldn't afford it or she meant to send you one and honestly forgot.

If you don't want to attend her shower, don't. I agree she shouldn't be requesting gift cards. But don't NOT attend for a petty reason like she never gave you a gift or card.

Amyzen83

"I'm so glad my best friend wasn't as judgmental as some of you here; H (then FI) and I spent well over $1,000 between my attire as her MOH, gas for the 9+ hour each way to drive to her wedding and back, two nights in a hotel, our meals except for dinner the evening of her wedding... Plus I had to pay a petsitter to watch our critters and H had to take a day and a half off work and miss a Saturday on-call, meaning he didn't earn any overtime that weekend. Oh, and our wedding was three weeks later. Getting the idea?

I didn't have the money at the time to purchase a gift. So should we have said to my friend, "sorry bestie... I don't have the cash to buy you a gift so I'm not coming."? And frankly, in the hustle to get packed and on the road, we forgot to grab the card we'd gotten, which was sitting on the office desk. So we showed up empty handed. 

She didn't give a flvck. Why? Perhaps because she cares more about her relationships than she does gifts or a flucking $2 piece of paper from Hallmark.

(and yes, I eventually did send a gift and the card... After our wedding when we were in a better position financially to do so)"

I think OP wouldn't have been so upset about not receiving anything if she knew her friend was doing a hell of a lot of other stuff that costs $$. I was in the same boat as you for a friend whose wedding I was in. In between contributing to her shower, designing her graphics, going to both of her bach parties etc. it easily added up, but I did get her a card, and even if I couldn't find the time to get her one, she'd understand because she saw all the other stuff I did for her.

OP correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like your friend was just a guest and wasn't part of your BP nor did anything special for you in regards to your wedding?

ZiggyZos

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:143c25fe-b1c5-4952-b257-590eeb54eb50Post:dd7d7c95-66ca-4841-bbf7-3b90118adfab">Re: Gift Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE] I think OP wouldn't have been so upset about not receiving anything if she knew her friend was doing a hell of a lot of other stuff that costs $$. I was in the same boat as you for a friend whose wedding I was in. In between contributing to her shower, designing her graphics, going to both of her bach parties etc. it easily added up, but I did get her a card, and even if I couldn't find the time to get her one, she'd understand because she saw all the other stuff I did for her. OP correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like your friend was just a guest and wasn't part of your BP nor did anything special for you in regards to your wedding?
Posted by Amyzen83[/QUOTE]

My point was not that I did all of these other things, so it makes up in some way for not having a gift.

I could have shown up "as just a guest" empty handed and my friend wouldn't have cared. Because, again, she values her RELATIONSHIPS with people more an she values tangible presents or Hallmark cards.

But then, I've never understood why "at least bringing a card" makes things suddenly okay if you're upset over not receiving a present. Why does a $2 piece of paper matter so much?