Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!

tgf10235

My future husband and I originally wanted to elope just the two of us, but knowing the way our parents would feel about this, we decided instead to have a very intimate, immediate family- only ceremony (parents, siblings, grandparents - THAT'S IT). We would like to include the rest of our big families and our friends in the celebration, so we want to have a casual, backyard pizza-and-drinks summer party at a later date. 

Do you think this is the proper way to go about the "small ceremony, big reception" idea? Are there any etiquette problems you think I may face with this decision? We are a casual couple, so the party really will be a laid back summer party. Do I wear my wedding dress to such a party? 

Thanks!

-T. 

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tgf10235

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:9e10e592-36df-43df-878a-8ae87e85e239">Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding reception must take place on your wedding day.  If it is on any other day, it is not a wedding reception, but a party to celebrate.  That means no wedding dress, first dance, or other bridal customs.  It is OK to show people the photos of your wedding and honeymoon, though.  This celebration is not a part of your wedding at all. Your wedding reception would be after your ceremony on your wedding day with your close family members.  Maybe you could go out to a nice restaurant?
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I don't plan on having a reception perse, just having a nice meal with the people who went to the ceremony. Thanks.

tgf10235

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:f0d3cd9e-d147-44de-95fe-71c98021bc59">Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I don't care what others wear to a party, but I wouldn't wear my wedding dress to a casual backyard BBQ a few months later. I think that only works when there is a big reception following a private ceremony on the same day. You do need to do something for the people that will be witnessing your ceremony, even if it is just taking them all out for lunch or dinner or even cooking for them in your own home. I guess I don't get why you're having the party later at all. You don't want people there to celebrate the actual wedding with you, and that's a valid choice. But why have them "celebrate" later at all? I'd just do the private ceremony and dinner and call it good.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Good points, thank you. In all honesty, a lot of these choices have to do with a. cost and b. location. I want to do a garden/outdoor wedding, and anywhere I want to do this is pretty far away (1 1/2+ hours away). I am afraid that important people in my life will not come because of the distance. I feel like I am conveniencing people by relieving them of the stress of traveling for the ceremony by offering a local celebration. I also know that receptions are what cost the most in a wedding, so if I can have a beautiful outdoor ceremony that doesn't cost much, and a casual party that also doesn't cost much, I can still include everyone without burning a hole in my empty pockets.<div>
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AddieCake

Only wear your wedding dress the day of your wedding, not to a BBQ several months later.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:5493daa7-f084-4cb7-a079-8c997e236494">Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party! : Good points, thank you. In all honesty, a lot of these choices have to do with a. cost and b. location. I want to do a garden/outdoor wedding, and anywhere I want to do this is pretty far away (1 1/2+ hours away). I am afraid that important people in my life will not come because of the distance. <strong>I feel like I am conveniencing people by relieving them of the stress of traveling for the ceremony by offering a local celebration.</strong> I also know that receptions are what cost the most in a wedding, so if I can have a beautiful outdoor ceremony that doesn't cost much, and a casual party that also doesn't cost much, I can still include everyone without burning a hole in my empty pockets.
Posted by tgf10235[/QUOTE]
You're not letting them choose for themselves what's too far and i don't think that's fair to them. if you dont want to invite them, that's fine. But to make excuses for them is a cop-out. <div>
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tgf10235

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:ffdf61b1-fdc1-4737-9067-381aa57ce170">Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party! : You're not letting them choose for themselves what's too far and i don't think that's fair to them. if you dont want to invite them, that's fine. But to make excuses for them is a cop-out. 
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
I'm not trying to cop out of anything. I have a lot of older family members who have not gone to other weddings due to distances shorter than mine. In their minds, it is about conveniencing them, and they feel that a couple should take the ease of THE GUESTS into consideration. I don't feel that pleasing only the guests is the right way to go about planning my wedding, but I also want to avoid the b.s. that goes along with having a far-away wedding and having the pressure of my family regarding the guest list. I am really trying to make sure that at the end of the day, I get what I want (location) and my family is happy (location). Thanks. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

tgf10235

Edit:

Do you all feel that this casual party would be more "acceptable" if my actual ceremony was a destination wedding (over 8 hours away)? Ideas/help are greatly appreciated! Thanks!

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:b037773b-0e62-4952-8bd8-3c86e87974df">Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Edit: Do you all feel that this casual party would be more "acceptable" if my actual ceremony was a destination wedding (over 8 hours away)? Ideas/help are greatly appreciated! Thanks!
Posted by tgf10235[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Typically, yes. People will understand it more if they aren't invited if the wedding is far away rather than in the area. Having a small wedding in your area and then a party later for people you didn;t invite can look gift grabby. </div><div>
</div><div>But, if you can, you should invite everyone to both. An invitiation is not a summons to a wedding and no one will feel obligated to go. If they want to and can, they will. If not, they won;t. </div><div>
</div><div>FWIW, we're having a DW about 2,000 miles away. We haven't found a venue yet, but we're hoping we like one where we can afford to invite everyone to both the DW and the party at home. If we like the smaller one, we're only inviting immediate family and close friends to avoid making people feel left out. </div>

STARMOON44

I dont mind your idea, but I don't get why you can't just have a backyard ceremony with everyone there, and a casual BBQ to follow.

tgf10235

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:16247d97-8836-4a40-8316-ee2afe773de0">Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party! : Typically, yes. People will understand it more if they aren't invited if the wedding is far away rather than in the area. Having a small wedding in your area and then a party later for people you didn;t invite can look gift grabby.  But, if you can, you should invite everyone to both. An invitiation is not a summons to a wedding and no one will feel obligated to go. If they want to and can, they will. If not, they won;t.  FWIW, we're having a DW about 2,000 miles away. We haven't found a venue yet, but we're hoping we like one where we can afford to invite everyone to both the DW and the party at home. If we like the smaller one, we're only inviting immediate family and close friends to avoid making people feel left out. 
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]
Thanks so much for your ideas. You are right, the invitation to both at least lets people choose for themselves. A big issue with me is people not feeling left out, which is why my intimate guest list would only include the most immediate of family members. Thanks again!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:5beae9fb-a85c-47c7-87fb-0a076374466a">Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party! : Thanks so much for your ideas. <strong>You are right, the invitation to both at least lets people choose for themselves.</strong> A big issue with me is people not feeling left out, which is why my intimate guest list would only include the most immediate of family members. Thanks again!
Posted by tgf10235[/QUOTE]
This is exactly what i was trying to get at. <div>
</div><div>If you want to make it more convenient and easier for the older crowd who treats invitations like summons, the logical thing to do would be move the ceremony location closer. I'm not saying you have to do that, though. I'm just saying that it's illogical to not even send them an invitation. Not sending them an invitations because of the location is making the choice for them and i'm unclear why that's something you want to do.</div><div>
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tgf10235

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:329b73e7-7006-492b-bce3-0a0149701e74">Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!: This. In my experience, people who are upset about not being able to attend a wedding are not satisfied with a consolation party later. Especially older generations because they typically don't care for all the fancy wedding hype and extra receptions and parties anyway. Honestly, I would decide what kind of wedding you want and have that. Trying to please everyone will just be a stressful mess.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
You are completely right. It is my wedding, afterall. Thanks so much!

tgf10235

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony-big-casual-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147c64d7-c04a-44e5-95cb-caf2605af672Post:77175a71-3003-4953-b9cc-c733757bc1f4">Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate Ceremony, Big Casual Party! : This is exactly what i was trying to get at.  If you want to make it more convenient and easier for the older crowd who treats invitations like summons, the logical thing to do would be move the ceremony location closer. I'm not saying you have to do that, though. I'm just saying that it's illogical to not even send them an invitation. Not sending them an invitations because of the location is making the choice for them and i'm unclear why that's something you want to do.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
Yes, you are right, sending them an invitation at least gives them the choice, and is the most logical route to go.

SB1512

From your original post, it sounds like you and your FI want a small private ceremony and are using the distance to justify to the parents why more people aren't invited.  If you and FI are footing the bill, and want a small ceremony, that's your choice, and you should own it.  Might people be upset if they aren't invited when the potential venue is fairly close by......possibly.  but, if you own the decision that this is what you want, then they will get over it.  My friend for example is have a 12 person wedding in our town this May because this is what they want.  They also hold an annual 4th of July BBQ where usually 100 people are invited (including myself).  I don't see this as a consolation prize because I know that a. they won't make it wedding related whatsoever and b. my friend and her FI want a private ceremony and have been upfront about it from the start when people started asking them about wedding plans. 

If you want small and intimate, go for it.  If you want to throw a summer party later, go for it.  Just don't make it wedding related whatsoever and you'll be fine.