How to tell friend I'm not going to be stupid like her?

notangie

I lurked before when my friend was getting married but couldn't remember what the hell I used to get on here so I had to make a new thing.

My friend recently got married (Oct. 09) VERY young, she's 19 and her husband is 23. And the past few times I've seen her she keeps asking me when I'm going to marry my boyfriend (when we've not even been dating a year).

I've tried to nicely tell her that marriage is no where on my radar until after I graduate school and am either starting my career or already pretty stable in it, but she won't give up!! And now she's brought in a mutual friend of ours to pester me as welll (who was her MOH).

Is there any other way to say to her I am not going to get married without just calling her a moron who got married when her mom pays for everything and doesn't act anything like an adult?

Sorry if this is long but I didn't want to be too vague.

CN: Friend got married young (19) and is trying to tell me I should do the same with my bf (we've not even been dating a year) and won't listen when I try to be nice about saying no. Any other way to say no without saying she's a moron and made a stupid mistake?

pandasquishy

Well don't call her stupid for getting married unless you want to end the friendship.  "I'm just not ready for marriage.  Have you tried the potato soup here?  It's fabulous."  Or have a serious conversation with her, tell her that you're not ready for marriage and would like her to please stop asking you about it.  Tell her that when you decide to get married, she will be the first to know.

JessAndTrav

You just tell her that you and your boyfriend/FI are waiting to get settled in your lives first.

It's really none of her business.

They might make a Hallmark card for this.

ohwhynot

So you think she's an immature moron whose mom pays for everything.  Why is she your friend? 

Oh, and if another friend is choosing to pester you, too, that's on the other friend.  No one can "get" another person to pester you.

ac_in_dc

Just change the subject. Tell her your don't want to talk about it, that your opinions on this stuff are different from hers.

If she doesn't let up after that, I'd probably call her a moron, not for marrying young (probaby a dumb idea, but who knows, maybe she's one of the few teenagers that will succeed at marriage) but for pestering you about your own personal decisions.

anna.oskar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-im-not-going-stupid-like-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:147de074-ec5c-4e95-a842-97c5c8433777Post:1fd02d3f-fbc8-47f4-9395-b0818c6f45dc">How to tell friend I'm not going to be stupid like her?</a>:
[QUOTE]I lurked before when my friend was getting married but couldn't remember what the hell I used to get on here so I had to make a new thing. My friend recently got married (Oct. 09) VERY young, she's 19 and her husband is 23. And the past few times I've seen her she keeps asking me when I'm going to marry my boyfriend (when we've not even been dating a year). I've tried to nicely tell her that marriage is no where on my radar until after I graduate school and am either starting my career or already pretty stable in it, but she won't give up!! And now she's brought in a mutual friend of ours to pester me as welll (who was her MOH). Is there any other way to say to her I am not going to get married without just calling her a moron who got married when her mom pays for everything and doesn't act anything like an adult? Sorry if this is long but I didn't want to be too vague. CN: Friend got married young (19) and is trying to tell me I should do the same with my bf (we've not even been dating a year) and won't listen when I try to be nice about saying no. Any other way to say no without saying she's a moron and made a stupid mistake?
Posted by notangie[/QUOTE]
JIC

tenofcups4me

It's pretty easy: "Friend, we're not interested in getting married until we're settled in our careers. Please stop talking about it -- I promise I'll  let you know you if we decide to get married, but in the meantime, I don't want to discuss it." Period.

sucrets4

Seriously?

Tell her that you are two different people and have different ideas and that you're going to stop hanging out with her if she doesn't stop bugging you.

AmoroAgain

Well, I'd probably just tell her to stfu and have her call you again in a couple of years when she's divorced.  But that's me.

MyNameIsNot

There's an article in the new cosmo that pretty much says you shouldn't get married until you are 25.  You could tell her that Cosmo is your Bible.

Seriously, I think it's fine to be direct and to say "look, I'm just not in that place in my life right now.  We are happy with the way things are, and we'd prefer to get some things done before we start talking about marriage.  I'd appreciate it if you'd drop it."  and then change the subject.

notangie

We'd been friends since high school and this behavior of having her mom do everything for her didn't become apparent to me until the marriage came up.

I have tried telling her my plans and that if my bf is still around after I get what I want done in my life then I would probably get married and her answer is that  I can just do all that stuff with him as a husband too and why bother waiting?

I will continue to try to change the subject with her and hope she just goes on to some other thing to talk about

tenofcups4me

She probably keeps bringing it up because you keep "engaging" with her about it (discussing your plans, which leaves it open for her to try to change your mind). If she brings it up, again, just lay it on the line -- "Look I don't want to discuss this anymore, ok? We're not ready to get married and I'm getting annoyed that you keep bringing it up."

goheels05

Meh, I'd say something borderline passive-aggressive since being nice obviously isn't getting the point across.  "I'm enjoying my youth, finishing my education, and getting on my feet financially before I even consider marriage.  But have fun being on Engaged and Underaged." 

notangie

Fair enough, next time she brings it up I will just say I'm not going to partake in any of this conversation and if she brings it up again I will spend less time with her if that is all she thinks she can talk to me about. Thanks everyone!

pumpkinpumpkin

Honestly, if marriage is nowhere on your radar, why are you here again?

notangie

Friend was getting married asked me to help found this place and then when she started bringing marriage up to me recently thought I would get another perspective on how to tell her I'm not her and won't get married so young.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Say, "That's not what we're choosing." Or "Marriage isn't for me! WE have no plans to 'make it official' because to us, its just a piece of paper." The she can bug you about that.

smokeybailey

If my friend was 19 and getting married and trying to talk me into getting married, she IS stupid and I would tell her so.

P2-marriage isn't on my radar but I still hang out here. 

squirrly

I had a friend who did this, but we were both 26.  She married a guy who really wasn't as awesome as he should have been, and I think she was trying to justify to herself that marriage is way better than being single, regardless of your H.  I asked her nicely several times to stop badgering me about it, that it was hurtful the way she was doing it, etc., and she didn't get it.  I finally had to be a bitch about it.  I haven't heard from her since.  And honestly, I'm happier.  She was a toxic drain on my life. 

JanoBean75

FWIW, my mom was 19 and my dad was 22. She was three months pregnant w/ my sis when they got married. They've been married for 39 years now. It CAN work, but it takes work.