How not to offend people but still do something the bride/groom wants?

StephJean83

I know that the reception is the thank you to your guests for coming and celebrating with you but can you ever do something that one or a few guests find to be rude/offensive? I'm thinking more along the lines of a few guests who either lost their father/mother or have never had a relationship with their parent and the bride and groom want to do the father/daughter dance and mother/son dance? Or the dinner options are beef, chicken or vegetarian but no vegan option listed on the RSVP? Or even the BM wants to give a toast and his humor might be on the side of pushing the line of being inappropriate but he doesn't cross the line?

Should the couple scrap doing spotlight dances so as not to upset one or two people that find them to be rude for "rubbing it in that their dad/mom is still alive or they have a good relationship with their dad/mom"? I realize with dinner, if someone called me and said "Hey I see you have stuffed peppers for the vegetarian option, is it vegan? Or could you get me a vegan dish?" If someone is vegan for because they find eating meat to be ethically wrong, does the couple than have to go to a completely vegan dinner for that one person?  I'd definately work with my caterer to get them that option as I would with anyone who brings it to my attention that they have a food allergy. Should the couple scrap doing toasts if the BM/MOH would wish to do it but their toast might push the line?

I realize someone who finds things like a spotlight dance or BM/MOH toast to be rude/offensive or things it is inappropriate not to offer upfront a certain dinner option, will usually find something to be offensive or rude. Is there ever a point when the bride/groom can say, "Sally, I realize that your dad wasn't in your life and you don't like when they do the father/daughter dance at weddings but Joe is paying for a significant portion of the wedding and as a thank you to him Jenny wants to do the father/daughter dance with him." Or, "Cousin Joey, I realize that you find it ethically wrong to eat meat and that is your choice and we will have a vegan dinner for you but Tom and I eat meat as do most of the other guests, so we will still offer the beef, chicken and stuffed peppers." Or after the BM gave his toast and someone says something about finding it rude saying, "Oh thank you Aunt Joan for coming. I'm sorry you felt Bill's toast was rude/inappropriate. He is Tom's brother and he just couldn't imagine getting married without his brother standing up with him. Have you tried the cake? It's so delicious!"

Or am I way overthinking the not being rude/offensive part of being a good hostess and just realize that somethings can't be predicted or planned for?

FutureMrsMDJahnke

I think you are overthinking it...

cudababy71

I'd say yes, you are WAY overthinking things. I knew that a lot of my guests have dietary restrictions so on our RSVP card I made sure there was a blank line with a note for them to add any dietary needs. From that we got a few gluten free/dairy free requests and vegetarian/vegan preferences.

As for the dances, those are all pretty much expected at weddings regardless of guests special circumstances so I'd do what YOU want. Same for the toasts. If someone makes a fool of themselves it just looks bad on them, not you.

mandi195

I think you're over thinking this. I do not have a close relationship (by any means) with my father, however, I appreciate the sentiment of the father/daughter dance. It doesn't make me angry or feel like someone is rubbing it in my face. It makes me happy to see such a great relationship between a parent and child. I'd say do the dance if you want to, and if someone is offended, that is their personal issue and not your fault.
The vegan meal, If it's one or two, I'm sure the catering company can manage to do that in addition to your meal choices. My brother is getting married this weekend, and they have 2 guests that need gluten free, and one that requested something differently, and the caterer said it is no problem.
For the toast, if you are worried about it being horrible, maybe just don't have toasts? However, your idea for what to say if someone mentions being offended sounds great to me.
Deep breath, don't worry about these things.

peekaboo2011

You are way overthinking this.

Unless you're concerned that your BM/MOH is going to seriously offend more than 50% of your guests, I really wouldn't worry about it.  And if you have serious concerns about them offending anyone, just tell them you'd prefer they keep it clean.  Done and done.

lyndausvi

Over thinking. I would have to side-eye anyone who complained about a parent dance because of there own lose. . How strange? That would be like not having a wedding because you have some widows or divorced people. No you do not have to have an entire vegan wedding because of a vegan guest. If they are offended by the presence of meat they can decline. I would give them a vegan dish. I would not worry about speeches. Just remind the BM grandparents might be watching.

itzMS

Out of my 200 guests, only one person--a crazy cousin of mine--complained about anything (he was upset I didn't talk to him personally more).

I think a lot of brides can attest to the same ratio. If you are simply conscientious of your guests and general etiquette, 99.9% of people will be happy, complement you, and you will have a great time.

StephJean83

My SIL lost her dad and knows how close my sisters and I are with our dad(she was equally as close to her dad) and it upsets her at weddings(she burst out in tears and ran from the room at my sister's wedding a couple years ago) to see it because her own dad died. I know a few of my FH's friends skipped spotlight dances at their own weddings because of issues with their own parents and one of the friends said to my FH at a wedding that she hates them and if he ever gets married(she didn't know about me at the time) that she hopes he would just skip them like she did.

Most of our friends who are vegetarians still eat animal products; milk, cheese, eggs just not meat because of texture. We were with FMIL's family for a weekend camping trip and it came out that one FH's uncle's has a wife and daughter who recently became vegans. This family unit is one that doesn't speak to the rest of the family or attend most family functions, so I don't know the likelihood of them actually coming to the wedding.

The toasts I'm not so worried about being rude or them cracking jokes about dead babies or pedophiles or anything universally offensive. I'm not 100% sure which person my FH would pick for his BM but the 2 that it will probably be will make reference to the fact that my FH and I have been sharing a bed since birth(our parents are great friends and we would go camping together as kids). I know some of the extended family on FH's side find BM toasts to offensive. We attended a wedding last year they were there and found the toast offensive when the BM joked about the bride and groom living together before being married and when he just pushed the line in general. The toast was at the beginning of dinner and we heard all throughout dinner how rude the BM was and it really dampened the mood at dinner.

I know everyone has the option to decline and when it is a few people you can't change everything for them but at the same time someone finding something offensive can dampen the mood if they keep going on about it to others.

arendiva

My advice.

1) Do a spotlight dance with your dad. You are close to him and it will be meaningful to you. You shouldn't have to miss out on stuff just because other people do. I'm sure if you skip it to spare feelings you will regret it.

2) If you are anticipating a large number of vegans it may save you headaches if you just have a vegan food option on the RSVP.

3)Maybe talk to the BM about your toast concerns and ask him to keep things appropriate. I'm sure if you explain that some of your relatives are uptight and don't have a sense of humor he will understand.

OwningAHome1981

I think you are overthinking things as well... esepcially the dances. No one will be offended if you dance with your dad and your husband dances with his mom. My sister's husband lost his mom and she still danced with my dad. He chose just not to dance with anyone at all.. but he could have danced with an aunt or his sister. No one will find that offensive.

As far as dinner options, it is not required to provide a vegetarian option. Although nice, you don't HAVE to. There will be plenty of other things for a person to eat if they don't eat meat.. salads, desserts, potatoes, cocktail hour foods... I never eat the entrees at weddings anyway b/c I never like them.

As far as a guest who might say something out of line or over the top, if you're worried, talk to said guest first and tell them not to say those things or find another person to speak who you know wont say those things.

Ultimately, you can't please everyone. My wedding is over 200 people. I sure as heck am not trying to please all 200 of them. If someone finds something like that offensive, that is their problem.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-not-to-offend-people-but-still-do-something-the-bridegroom-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1502f099-7569-4a4f-8ef8-3a5e1873a3ecPost:c3cc902c-c527-40c9-96c5-b8ac48a682e9">Re: How not to offend people but still do something the bride/groom wants?</a>:
[QUOTE]My SIL lost her dad and knows how close my sisters and I are with our dad(she was equally as close to her dad) and it upsets her at weddings(she burst out in tears and ran from the room at my sister's wedding a couple years ago) to see it because her own dad died. I know a few of my FH's friends skipped spotlight dances at their own weddings because of issues with their own parents and one of the friends said to my FH at a wedding that she hates them and if he ever gets married(she didn't know about me at the time) that she hopes he would just skip them like she did. Most of our friends who are vegetarians still eat animal products; milk, cheese, eggs just not meat because of texture. We were with FMIL's family for a weekend camping trip and it came out that one FH's uncle's has a wife and daughter who recently became vegans. This family unit is one that doesn't speak to the rest of the family or attend most family functions, so I don't know the likelihood of them actually coming to the wedding. The toasts I'm not so worried about being rude or them cracking jokes about dead babies or pedophiles or anything universally offensive. I'm not 100% sure which person my FH would pick for his BM but the 2 that it will probably be will make reference to the fact that my FH and I have been sharing a bed since birth(our parents are great friends and we would go camping together as kids). I know some of the extended family on FH's side find BM toasts to offensive. We attended a wedding last year they were there and found the toast offensive when the BM joked about the bride and groom living together before being married and when he just pushed the line in general. The toast was at the beginning of dinner and we heard all throughout dinner how rude the BM was and it really dampened the mood at dinner. I know everyone has the option to decline and when it is a few people you can't change everything for them but at the same time someone finding something offensive can dampen the mood if they keep going on about it to others.
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

1) I am not close with my dad, and sure seeing father-child things upsets me, it's my burden to bear. Sure, it can be daunting at times and come up unexpectedly (The Lucky One threw me for a loop at the end with the dad and the kid and the raging river), but for a wedding, I can prepare myself. If you want to do them, do them and if someone else doesn't like it, they can go pee during it.

2) For the vegan's, they'll call you and ask. They'll get used to it, as vegans are not as widely accommodated as meat lovers, like myself. Just make sure they are accommodated if invited and plan to attend.

3) Toasts are optional, so speak to your respective attendants about what isn't appropriate to bring up- i think the sharing a bed thing is actually freggin adorable. If you are truly afraid of they person will say, talk to FI about requeting no toasts.

brittany634

Most places will make a vegan dish if needed

Sounds like they have issues- have your dances, you'll regret it if you don't

if you are that worried about it don't have a toast- or have FI speak to the best man re the toast.

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-not-to-offend-people-but-still-do-something-the-bridegroom-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1502f099-7569-4a4f-8ef8-3a5e1873a3ecPost:2cde668f-810e-457d-8025-47a6e431a4b6">Re: How not to offend people but still do something the bride/groom wants?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How not to offend people but still do something the bride/groom wants? : 1) I am not close with my dad, and sure seeing father-child things upsets me, it's my burden to bear. Sure, it can be daunting at times and come up unexpectedly (The Lucky One threw me for a loop at the end with the dad and the kid and the raging river), but for a wedding, I can prepare myself. If you want to do them, do them and if someone else doesn't like it, they can go pee during it. 2) For the vegan's, they'll call you and ask. They'll get used to it, as vegans are not as widely accommodated as meat lovers, like myself. Just make sure they are accommodated if invited and plan to attend. 3) Toasts are optional, so speak to your respective attendants about what isn't appropriate to bring up- i think the sharing a bed thing is actually freggin adorable. If you are truly afraid of they person will say, talk to FI about requeting no toasts.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]


I know my dad has been looking foward to the day I get married for many years and has his heart set on a father/daughter dance. I'm particularly close to my dad that a first look picture of my dad and I is way more important than doing a preceremony first look of my FH and I.

I would work to have a vegan dish available to ANYONE who would want it, if they asked. I just know the particular aunt/cousin post on FB on how horrible meat eaters are and everything. FH's uncle grew up on farm where they raised beef and hogs for meat and the posts have actually irked enough the other relatives to block their posts and/or unfriend them. I think anyone who has issues with eating meat would realize a wedding isn't the place to preach about it but without ever meeting this aunt/cousin(as I've said previously they don't attend any family functions), I don't know that they wouldn't say something about horrible we are for serving meat. I know we have potential guests who are Gluten free, or dairy free and I know you can't write a million food options for all possible dietary needs.

I think most of the people coming know that we shared a bed as kids, which I think is flippin' adorable!  I mean my FFIL tells EVERYONE that I was the first female diaper he ever changed(I have 2 older sisters and he older nieces and he never changed their diapers). I know if he got ahold the mic(I can see our dad's doing a toast together) he would broadcast that tidbit out there. I guess, I feel that if one person feels offended by anything we do/don't do they will let everyone around them know and how horrible we are for doing or not doing whatever it is that offended them. I felt bad for the couple who's wedding we went to last year and FH's relatives were trashing the BM's toast throughout dinner.

Meghannsix

I agree you're overthinking this.  I know you're trying to accommodate everyone's needs and feelings, but be careful you don't sacrifice your own. 

DMoore421

There are going to be a lot of people at my wedding who's paents are no longer with us - but I am not giving up my dance with my dad to keep the pease.  They should expect those things at the wedding - if it was going to upset them to see they can leave the room or not come. 
Also , when it comes to the speeches I am fully prepared for things to be said that are going to push the line- my sister started writing her speech the day after  i got engaged. 
I am a little worried about how FI family will take some of it - but at the same time they are people we will really not see again other than the BM - who I am sure has his own things to say that may be a little off color.     I am not worried at all about offending my friends and family though - we are all a little nuts


as far as the meals, if someone is a vegan and saw no options for them ,  i would hope they would at least ask... however if you already know several people are vegan, then maybe one of the options should be vegan as ell...
vegan is always vegetarian, but vegetarian is not always vegan. 

Meghannsix

Sleeper2013 makes an excellent point about spot light dances.  My dad is still alive, but I like to think that if he wasn't, I'd be disappointed that you didn't celebrate that, just to spare my feelings.

amymaysa

You are way overthinking this...

willywally5

I'd accomodate food requests if at all possible, even if it costs you a bit more. 

The rest you need to let go. Seriously, if everyone was worried about not offending guests who've lost a parent or have shitty parents by doing a spotlight dance, nobody would ever have them. It's sad some people have lost (or never had) those relationships but that doesn't mean that everyone needs to walk on eggshells about it. 

s-aries8990

Steph, just do what makes you happy. Just as long as you are not doing something non-traditional thatpurposely and  specifically targets, marginalizes  and offends people (DJ: "Hey! All the women without fathers in their lives, come onto the dance floor!"  or "Hey all you vegan and vegitarians, this steak is delicious!" or something else grossly offensive) you're fine.

Have your dances, it's what you want. Feed the vegans if they come and ask. And anyone who can't see through the fact that you shared a bed at a young age to the fact that you were probably less than  seven years old is a kaka face.

pesematology

I am vegan and while I wouldn't be offended by someone not listing a vegan option on the RSVP, it does make me super happy when it is included. I feel like I'm the one being rude when I have to call and find out whether I'll be able to eat at the reception, so knowing that it's all going to be taken care of already is a big relief and makes me feel really welcomed.

The dances though, not only does that seem like something no reasonable person could be offended by, but not doing them would be leaving out a big part of the traditional reception experience.

StephJean83

Thanks for the encouraging words! I'd really hate/regret not doing something like toasts or spot light dances because of a few people. I know that some people are just never easy to please no matter what you do.

One of the venues we are considering(I can't believe how far out they book up!) doesn't "offer" vegan/vegetarian as one of the choices but will make something at no added charge. The in house chef will work with you on any dietary needs/requests from ethnic preferences to gluten free/dairy free/nut free, whatever.

eelsbury08

you are overthinking it. it is expected that one or two guests are going to be vegan or vegeterian. on your invites you should ask for any dietary restrictions beforehand. i have several and had a very hard time eating anything at the last wedding i went to. thank goodness i brought a proteing bar that was gluten free and vegan. the bride was even a good friend who knew about my dietary restrictions.