Alright guys, I have to get this off my chest. If flaming has been earned, flame away.
I asked on this board a while back about having a "second reception." Because it's customary in DH's culture to have multiple receptions, I generally got the thumbs-up here. I still felt a little odd about it (especially since I have social anxiety and being the center of attention on one day was plenty), but my in-laws were so insistent. They wanted a second party local to their guests (our "legal" wedding was a thousand miles away), wanted a big grand evening affair we couldn't afford (our "real" wedding was in the morning and very modest, in line with our budget and preferences), and generally guilted me into going along with it, saying they just wanted us to let them have this excuse to throw a big party, and that their eldest son only gets married once, and it's so important to them culturally. What resulted was everything I never wanted for my wedding, with a big fat helping of rude and inappropriate.
It wasn't at all the "traditional" cultural reception I'd thought my ILs were planning when I first agreed to a second reception. It was 100% an American style wedding reception, just without the ceremony. And it was true that everyone from DH's culture thought it was normal and appropriate for his parents to throw a reception separate from my parent's reception, that was all fine with everyone from his culture. If that had been the extent of the guest list, it would have all been fine and good. But that's not the only group of people they invited! DH's parents invited a ton of culturally American people (co-workers, family friends) who kept asking me about the "real" wedding and generally (fairly) hinting at how this was really a fake reception. Worse still, it was obvious some of the culturally American attendees discovered that this was a second reception while in attendance. I just wanted to shrivel up and die. It was so mortifying.
I should have done a lot of things differently, including paying attention to what the ILs were planning (I really let them run with it, other requesting only one optional traditional ceremony from their culture that generally takes place at the reception, which they decided against without telling me until the party was underway, at which point the necessary supplies were not available). I just plain didn't get into their planning, thinking that it was really their reception, their guests, their culture. In hindsight, I handled so many things wrong.
I am still so embarassed and upset about what we let happen. There may be a proper and appropriate way to have a second reception, but this was definitely not it.