guests who didn't bring presents

Vanilabnicecream

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, and it's after my wedding. My wedding was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't be happier with it. The next day, my fiance and I were opening up all of the cards and writing down the names of the people who gave us presents & cards so we knew for our own personal records how much money we made in total and also just for a general memory of it and for the thank you notes, etc. Anyway, I found that at least eight couples at our wedding (about 16 people) of a total of 118 people did not bring us anything. Not even a card. I honestly don't even care about how much money someone brings me in the least, I understand everyone is under a lot of economic strain (my fiance and I included), but I find it incredibly rude, hurtful, and tactless not to give someone so much as a card on their wedding day. One of these people was a good friend of mine, who wasn't in the wedding party.  I totally understand that a few people in the wedding party didn't bring cards or presents, because they had already done so much for us. I'm just having a hard time dealing with forgiving these particular guests, and I want to know if this is OK for guests to do--is it common? Is it ever acceptable not to give a present to the bride and groom? None of these people gave us presents at a shower or anything like that of course, otherwise I again wouldn't bring it up. It's just the lack of even a card that I find so rude. I don't really even know what to write in their thank you notes to be honest. "Thanks so much for coming, it meant a lot to us. We hope you enjoyed yourself!" something like that? Anyway, I needed to vent and see what people thought, or if this is common practice, etc. Thanks so much for your feedback!!

lizzywiz

Try not to let it bother you.  Some guests prefer to mail gifts after the wedding, especially if they traveled.  Just remember the important thing - you and your H had a beautiful day.  Does it really matter who didn't bring a gift?  

MrsGandthebeag

No one is required to give you a gift.  A few of our guests didnt get us anything.  You do not have to write them a thank you card.  The reception was their thank you.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:ed0b8eb9-daf5-4945-853b-6efdf3ff4641">guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, This is my first post here, and it's after my wedding. My wedding was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't be happier with it. The next day, my fiance and I were opening up all of the cards and writing down the names of the people who gave us presents & cards so we knew for our own personal records <strong>how much money we made in total</strong> and also just for a general memory of it and for the thank you notes, etc. Anyway, I found that at least eight couples at our wedding (about 16 people) of a total of 118 people did not bring us anything. Not even a card. I honestly don't even care about how much money someone brings me in the least, I understand everyone is under a lot of economic strain (my fiance and I included), but I find it incredibly rude, hurtful, and tactless not to give someone so much as a card on their wedding day. One of these people was a good friend of mine, who wasn't in the wedding party.  I totally understand that a few people in the wedding party didn't bring cards or presents, because they had already done so much for us. I'm just having a hard time dealing with forgiving these particular guests, and I want to know if this is OK for guests to do--is it common? Is it ever acceptable not to give a present to the bride and groom? None of these people gave us presents at a shower or anything like that of course, otherwise I again wouldn't bring it up. It's just the lack of even a card that I find so rude. I don't really even know what to write in their thank you notes to be honest. "Thanks so much for coming, it meant a lot to us. We hope you enjoyed yourself!" something like that? Anyway, I needed to vent and see what people thought, or if this is common practice, etc. Thanks so much for your feedback!!
Posted by Vanilabnicecream[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Was your wedding a fundraising venture? Hmmmmm.</div><div>
</div><div>People are not required to give you gifts. 

</div>

HockeyFan4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:ed0b8eb9-daf5-4945-853b-6efdf3ff4641">guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, This is my first post here, and it's after my wedding. My wedding was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't be happier with it. The next day, my fiance and I were opening up all of the cards and writing down the names of the people who gave us presents & cards so we knew for our own personal records how much money we made in total and also just for a general memory of it and for the thank you notes, etc. Anyway, I found that at least eight couples at our wedding (about 16 people) of a total of 118 people did not bring us anything. Not even a card. I honestly don't even care about how much money someone brings me in the least, I understand everyone is under a lot of economic strain (my fiance and I included), but I find it incredibly rude, hurtful, and tactless not to give someone so much as a card on their wedding day. One of these people was a good friend of mine, who wasn't in the wedding party.  I totally understand that a few people in the wedding party didn't bring cards or presents, because they had already done so much for us. I'm just having a hard time dealing with forgiving these particular guests, and I want to know if this is OK for guests to do--is it common? Is it ever acceptable not to give a present to the bride and groom? None of these people gave us presents at a shower or anything like that of course, otherwise I again wouldn't bring it up. It's just the lack of even a card that I find so rude. I don't really even know what to write in their thank you notes to be honest. "Thanks so much for coming, it meant a lot to us. We hope you enjoyed yourself!" something like that? Anyway, I needed to vent and see what people thought, or if this is common practice, etc. Thanks so much for your feedback!!
Posted by Vanilabnicecream[/QUOTE]



G  I   F   T

AdeleDazeem

While I understand what you're saying, you're coming across REALLY gift-grabby.  "I mean, it's not like they gave us a shower present before this!"  Take a look at your post and reread it.  You dont come off well.

Honestly, you need to let it go.  You ask how you can forgive them and I want to ask you "Forgive them for what?"  Coming to your wedding?  Spending the day with you?  Celebrating your marriage?  Paying to travel to your wedding?

We had a few people not give us a gift, either.  I can't even remember who they are now because it simply doesn't matter.  No one is ever obligated to bring a gift. 

Also, we received a few gifts after the wedding from people.  Something still might come along.  But if it doesn't?  Let. it. go.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:ed0b8eb9-daf5-4945-853b-6efdf3ff4641">guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, This is my first post here, and it's after my wedding. My wedding was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't be happier with it. The next day, my fiance and I were opening up all of the cards and writing down the names of the people who gave us presents & cards so we knew for our own personal records how much money we made in total and also just for a general memory of it and for the thank you notes, etc. Anyway, I found that at least eight couples at our wedding (about 16 people) of a total of 118 people did not bring us anything. Not even a card. I honestly don't even care about how much money someone brings me in the least, I understand everyone is under a lot of economic strain (my fiance and I included), but I find it incredibly rude, hurtful, and tactless not to give someone so much as a card on their wedding day. One of these people was a good friend of mine, who wasn't in the wedding party.  I totally understand that a few people in the wedding party didn't bring cards or presents, because they had already done so much for us. I'm just having a hard time dealing with forgiving these particular guests, and I want to know if this is OK for guests to do--is it common? Is it ever acceptable not to give a present to the bride and groom? None of these people gave us presents at a shower or anything like that of course, otherwise I again wouldn't bring it up. It's just the lack of even a card that I find so rude. I don't really even know what to write in their thank you notes to be honest. "Thanks so much for coming, it meant a lot to us. We hope you enjoyed yourself!" something like that? Anyway, I needed to vent and see what people thought, or if this is common practice, etc. Thanks so much for your feedback!!
Posted by Vanilabnicecream[/QUOTE]

You need to let it go.  "Not forgiving" your guests for something that isn't required (yes, cards are definitely nice) is not good for you emotionally and now that you are married, you need to focus on your new marriage, not fester about a $3.50 Hallmark acknowledgement. 

As far as TY notes go, if they didn't give you a gift, you don't need to send them a TY card.  You've already thanked them for their attendance by hosting the reception and (hopefully) saying thank you to them at that time.

Mrs.B6302007

Oh, and some people are anti-card.   Maybe some of your guests are.

Simply Fated

I'm just having a hard time dealing with forgiving these particular guests

Dude, this is very over-dramatic. It's just a gift. Gifts are never mandatory.

Some people don't give gifts. It's not a big deal.

Is the gift THAT important to you that you can't forgive a person for not giving you one? 

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:ed0b8eb9-daf5-4945-853b-6efdf3ff4641">guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, This is my first post here, and it's after my wedding. My wedding was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't be happier with it. The next day, my fiance and I were opening up all of the cards and writing down the names of the people who gave us presents & cards so we knew for our <strong>own personal records how much money we made in total</strong> and also just for a general memory of it and for the thank you notes, etc. Anyway, I found that <strong>at least eight couples at our wedding (about 16 people) of a total of 118 people did not bring us anything. Not even a card. </strong>I honestly don't even care about how much money someone brings me in the least, I understand everyone is under a lot of economic strain (my fiance and I included), but I find it incredibly rude, hurtful, and tactless not to give someone so much as a card on their wedding day. One of these people was a good friend of mine, who wasn't in the wedding party.  I totally understand that a few people in the wedding party didn't bring cards or presents, because they had already done so much for us. I'm just having a hard time dealing with forgiving these particular guests, and I want to know if this is OK for guests to do--is it common? Is it ever acceptable not to give a present to the bride and groom? None of these people gave us presents at a shower or anything like that of course, otherwise I again wouldn't bring it up. It's just the lack of even a card that I find so rude. I don't really even know what to write in their thank you notes to be honest. "Thanks so much for coming, it meant a lot to us. We hope you enjoyed yourself!" something like that? Anyway, I needed to vent and see what people thought, or if this is common practice, etc. Thanks so much for your feedback!!
Posted by Vanilabnicecream[/QUOTE]

<div>So let me get this straight...you had a wedding so that you could make money?  And you're recording how much your friends and family gave you for your "own personal records?"  Weddings aren't tit for tat, so I really don't see how you required this information for your personal records (actually seems kind of petty and weird).  Weddings aren't fundraising events, and you shouldn't expect to "make back" what you spent.</div><div>
</div><div>Guests are NEVER required to give a gift--and I can totally understand that for those traveling a long way, that giving a gift may not be within their means if they're already paying for hotel, flight, etc.  Even so, gifts are never required, and many people send a gift after the wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry that you're so disappointed in your friends/family.  </div>

ECook25

People very well may send you a gift after your wedding...we were married three months yesterday, and in yesterday's mail was a card and check from a guest.  The card and check were both dated the date of our wedding, so they very well may have just forgotten to give it to us at our wedding - easily could have happened to you.  Just relax about it - some people may send you something, some may not.  But remember, as others have said, no one is obligated to give you a gift.  Don't expect it.

melb2013

I think you're making this a bigger deal than it is.  

If a guest doesn't bring a gift, you don't write them a thank you note- you write thank you notes to thank someone for the gift.  Like PP said, hopefully you already thanked them for their attendance at the wedding.

I'm going to be the lone dissenter here... Miss Manners says that while a bride and groom should never expect gifts or act in any way as if they expect one, as a guest, it is polite to bring a gift.  I had never heard that it wasn't required for a guest to bring a gift until I got on TK.

OP, don't give this issue another thought.  Congrats on your marriage!

TheSlowskys

Etiquette says guests have a year. I think I've left the card in the car the past half dozen weddings I've been to and just end up mailing it within a couple weeks. Guests don't have to give a gift, and you do not have to write a Ty to those who didn't.

Mrs.B6302007

Yes,  it's polite to give a wedding gift but still not required.  It's polite to let the customer behind you with 5 items to go ahead of you and your full shopping cart but not required. It's polite to chew with your mouth closed but not required. ;-)

Summer2011Bride

You need to let this go. A few of our friends didn't give us a card or gift either, but I honestly can say I didn't care. That's not why I invited them. Especially people in the WP, they are already spending so much time and money to be in your wedding. Gifts and cards aren't required. There's nothing for you to forgive them for because they didn't do anything wrong.

You don't need to send a TY card if you didn't get a gift from someone.

MyUserName1

Oh, to be fair, we added up the total so we knew how to budget for the things that we had intended to buy with any wedding money we received.  If we didn't get a total, how were we supposed to know how much we could afford to spend on a sofa?

OP, Yeah, i think it's rude to not bring a gift (even a token) or a card, but it isn't required. We had guests who didn't bring a gift either.  I thought it was crappy, but I'm not holding a grudge.  We didn't send them thank you notes for coming- it seems like making a point of them not bringing a gift.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:b063d873-7730-4419-8928-847f378284af">Re:guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Etiquette says guests have a year.</strong> I think I've left the card in the car the past half dozen weddings I've been to and just end up mailing it within a couple weeks. Guests don't have to give a gift, and you do not have to write a Ty to those who didn't.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>True- I've had presents mailed to couples after their weddings.

</div>

kmmssg

OP - while it is nice when people do give a gift or card, it is NOT required and you are coming off incredibly entitled.  Especially the part where you can't forgive them.  Say what?  These people took a day out of their schedules for your wedding.  They attended, wished you well, and showed their support.  What they did or did not leave in the card box is of no consequence.  You are sounding pretty bratty right now.

Vanilabnicecream

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:e1d98dd3-6d5b-4342-af84-af0d4d2a65ee">Re: guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to guests who didn't bring presents : So let me get this straight...you had a wedding so that you could make money?  And you're recording how much your friends and family gave you for your "own personal records?"  Weddings aren't tit for tat, so I really don't see how you required this information for your personal records (actually seems kind of petty and weird).  Weddings aren't fundraising events, and you shouldn't expect to "make back" what you spent. Guests are NEVER required to give a gift--and I can totally understand that for those traveling a long way, that giving a gift may not be within their means if they're already paying for hotel, flight, etc.  Even so, gifts are never required, and many people send a gift after the wedding. Sorry that you're so disappointed in your friends/family.  
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry that you have no manners. Do you just go through the posts on theknot to criticize people looking for advice? Just wretched.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:52a9fcda-89f6-4c46-9b03-9ca1a4cff433">Re: guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: guests who didn't bring presents : I'm sorry that you have no manners. Do you just go through the posts on theknot to criticize people looking for advice? Just wretched.
Posted by Vanilabnicecream[/QUOTE]<div>Why are you singling out freebread?  Are you going to be unable to forgive her, too?</div><div>

</div>

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:52a9fcda-89f6-4c46-9b03-9ca1a4cff433">Re: guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: guests who didn't bring presents : I'm sorry that you have no manners. Do you just go through the posts on theknot to criticize people looking for advice? Just wretched.
Posted by Vanilabnicecream[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think she was being malicious or overly harsh- just setting you straight.  If you ask for advice, be prepared to be told you are wrong.  

</div>

Vanilabnicecream

I have no problem with people giving me their advice, but I thought she went too far attacking me personally. I totally understand and appreciate most of this feedback.

KellyBrian2013

FI & I just attended my best friend's wedding this past weekend. I was her MOH & she is mine in >3 weeks.

I spent $75 per night (3 nights) plus gas to drive 9+ hours each way, plus $80 for a dress, plus $20 for alterations, plus $20 for a new pair of shoes, plus food for FI & I while we were there (minus the RD & reception, obviously)... do you see where I am going with this?

Money is super-tight for us as-is. I went to my BEST FRIEND'S wedding without a gift or card. I will be sending both as soon as our financial situation improves, but that could very well be 2 or 3 months from now. It's not because I don't respect her, her new H, or their marriage... it's that I just don't have $$ to spare for a gift and frankly, ran out of time to pick up a card (though I still have the card I bought for their engagement sitting on my desk since we were mid-move when he popped the question).

Viczaesar

I went to my cousin's wedding last weekend.  My finances are tight because I'm a graduate student and my parents knew I was stressed about it, so when they sent a check and card they included me on it, and told me afterwards.  It was a potluck wedding (ick) and they requested cash presents on their invitations (double ick), which is part of the reason I was stressing about it.  I put my budget into buying supplies for and spent hours making them homemade baklava.  We also traveled about 5 hours and had to spend two nights in a hotel because of my father's health.  It didn't even occur to me to give them just a card, and frankly I wouldn't have felt comfortable giving a card without a check in it when they specifically asked for money, because I felt like they would be thinking "What, no money?  What the heck?" when they opened it rather than "Oh how nice, Viczaes wishes us a happy marriage."  That may just be my paranoia, but that's what I felt, in large part because of the explicit cash request.  But I'm also just not a card person, and I don't often give cards.  A lot of people don't.

banana468

If you really want to nit pick, no one should have brought a gift to the wedding.

vexie

Hello OP...Just thought I'd share a little of my own experience. After our wedding (june 2011) we also opened all the cards etc so we knew what to write on the thankyou cards. There were a few people who gave us nothing (aunt, a friend and my out of country sister). We were surprised, but sent thank you's anyway.  That's when I got a call from my aunt. Turns out she brought the card along, forgot to give it us and then didn't use that purse again for another few months so didn't even realize it lol).  Our friend gave us a gift and card approx 7 months after the wedding, and we just got a card and gift from my sister over a year after the wedding  

Don't sweat it or let it affect your relationship with your friends/family.  Send them a card thanking them for celebrating your day with you and just leave it.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:22d9518c-7fa7-42a7-bf63-1e93604e27e3">Re: guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and some people are anti-card.   Maybe some of your guests are.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

I was thinking this, too. I enjoy giving heartfelt cards and spending time picking out the right one. But honestly? There are many people who grab the cheapest card they can find and simply sign their name without personalizing the card at all. This is why I don't understand the "it sucks not to get at least a card" sentiment. It's not genuine at all; people who say it are just trying not to sound pissed that they didn't get a gift.

OP, are you <em>really</em> saying that you wouldn't be upset with any of these people if they had just given you a card? Because something tells me you would have just gone a step further and wondered why they couldn't "at least" put a $25 gift card inside.

aurianna

I'm a bad procrastinator and almost always send the gift after the wedding, especially if it's an out-of-town one (just easier to unwind, and pull up the registry on a Sunday night). I also like to see what's left on the registry after the dust settles; like seeing if there's a set of something that can be completed.

That being said... as everyone has said, gifts should never be expected. I remember we went to my husband's cousin's wedding (we were two of the only out-of-town guests). My then-fiance and I lived in different states at that point so it took us about a week after the wedding to sit down on the phone together and decide what to buy as a gift. A week later I get an email from my MIL saying the cousin was wondering if we'd sent a present. I was really annoyed. Not only was it incredibly presumptuous, but it could have been really awkward. I spent $200+ on a plane ticket and was planning my own wedding; if I hadn't had money for a present for her and she [inderectly] asked me about it could have been super awkward. And then to top it off she got my MIL involved (thankfully you didn't do that!!). Yeah... I got a "never mind!" email about 10 hours later because that's when the cousin found the presents on her doorstep.

So I'd just let it go because chances are some presents will come later and some will never come but you shouldn't expect them to since some people have different circumstances or customs.

HandBanana

My cousin and his wife drove 3 hours to my wedding and 3 hours home AND paid for a babysitter for their three boys.  Their attendance at my wedding was my gift.

You don't host a wedding to count card, checks, cash, presents, and sulk over who did or didn't give me gifts.  You and H are married and you shared that day with your nearest and dearest. 

bonge

I have never gone to a wedding without a card with money (even a smal amount) i did not expect it. We counted our money, wrote it on each card but could not tell you if some people did not bring us anything.

I don't get the having a hard time forgiving them part, what is there to not forgive?

One of my bms did not bring a gift to my shower, or the wedding but wrote such nice words in a card she made me cry, that was better reaction than a gift would have gotten. I don't think she could afford it & that is ok. Maybe your guests could not afford it. Very few ppl get gifts from every single person.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-who-didnt-bring-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160e5f2a-3b77-44b2-8f1f-24c40c87ea79Post:6b4bc236-d52b-4579-a65e-e723a6dbda8e">Re: guests who didn't bring presents</a>:
[QUOTE]While I agree that people don't HAVE to give a gift, I personally would NEVER attend someone's wedding without giving one. I always followed the rule of thumb to provide a gift to cover about the cost of your plate. Obviously, guests probably aren't 100% sure of what you are spending per person - but I always guess about when we attend a wedding. Unfortunately, it is what it is, I don't think there is anyway you can ever bring the lack of their acknowledgement on your day without making yourself look rude - but I  do feel it is rude to attend someones wedding without bringing a gift. If I couldn't afford a gift or I didn't "like" the couple enough to want to bring a gift, I wouldn't have attended the wedding. Do your best to let it go, no sense in upsetting yourself. And like other users have said - it may be in the mail - some people may have forgotten the card that day. :)
Posted by fumf44[/QUOTE]

That's a made up rule that has nothing to do with etiquette.  The "cover your plate" thing is a cultural or regional norm.