Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:6a683bc4-cd8d-4ff3-85ab-ae3a7297b8a0">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm usually never one to say something about how people are responding, but I think this is getting a little ridiculous.  The wedding is over, she can't go back and change how she sat people, how she reacted when they asked to move, or how she responded to texts.  What she can control is how she handles the situation from here on out, which is what she asked for. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Well, when she first got here she didn't appear to have a clue that she was partially at fault. Now that we're telling her what it looks like from the outside, perhaps she'll realize an apology or reconciliation is in order.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:6a683bc4-cd8d-4ff3-85ab-ae3a7297b8a0">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm usually never one to say something about how people are responding, but I think this is getting a little ridiculous.  The wedding is over, she can't go back and change how she sat people, how she reacted when they asked to move, or how she responded to texts.  <strong>What she can control is how she handles the situation from here on out</strong>, which is what she asked for. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Yup, which is why several people have suggested apologizing if OP wants to try to make the situation better. However from the tone of her follow-ups, I don't feel like she thinks she's done anything wrong, so a sincere apology is unlikely until OP realizes that her priorities were pretty out of whack with the whole seating issue.

Of course if she doesn't want to try to smooth things over, that's an equally valid choice, and she can go on thinking whatever she wants.

NuggetBrain

Like I said, her husband's friend isn't being forced not to see him.  He's obviously chosen his girlfriend over his friend right now.  Who knows, maybe they'll break up and he'll come prancing back like nothing happened.  Maybe the friendship has been seriously messed up.  Since you obviously don't have a friendship to salvage from this, the main thing is if there's anything you can do to fix your husband's friendship with the gM.  You can apologize to the girl and whatnot, but that doesn't mean that she's going to suddenly loosen the chokehold she has on his junk and let him have playdates with your husband again.  So you have to decide if you apologizing is worth it, and if it's not, that you and your H are willing to walk away from the whole thing and be civil but nothing more until GM decides to man up.

banana468

I have to echo PPs.

Sure the GF sounds like no prize, but I don't think you did any favors for yourself in how you handled the matter.   You could have said, "I'm sorry for any confusion.  We thought the tux thing was understood.  If he has any issues with paying for it, just let FI (now DH) know." rather than a bit of a snippy comeback.  It's understandable to be snippy but that doesn't mean that the response was appropriate.

And sure head tables seem to be the norm for your group but clearly some people have issues with them  and well, they ARE rude even if they're a social norm.

So at this point, does it matter who is MORE right?  Do you want to stay friends with them or do you want to end a friendship over something that happened at your wedding, of which you do bear some burden of responsibility? 

Sometimes apologizing doesn't mean you've admitted guilt.  It can be a way to try to extend an olive branch in the hopes that you all stay friends.  The choice is yours.

leah2b

It sounds to me that she was quite rude by sending you a text about the tux in the first place but that you admittedly responded in a snarky and rude way back by demanding "what did you expect".  Probably should have let it drop  in an effort to be conciliatory despite the fact that she sounds very controlling.

As to the table thing, I don't think it was very nice that the GM wanted to move and you wouldn't let him during the reception.  This really would have bothered me.  Is the girlfriend being controlling and needy?  Perhaps, but you have no right to dictate his movement at the wedding. I could see where he would get pissed off about this.
its too bad that your husband's good friendship may be damaged over this.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:19e01adf-846f-4473-b9d3-dc4e46cdffbf">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok for clarification, he and she were not pissed they were not sitting together.  Seating has nothing to do with it now.  And now I would've let him leave and just go.  Then however, I wouldn't have had a head table if I wanted the whole wedding party all of the place.  I realize everyone seems to hate them on here.  It is what is expected where I live.  They all knew about it. They did not leave because of that. <strong> And I did not mean the "What were you expecting?" as a what is wrong with you you are so dumb what were you thinking it was going to be like.  More of a if you didn't think he had to pay for it did I mislead you to think they were free, i was paying for them, they were cheaper. </strong> Maybe it came off to her in a snarky way too. And she is controlling her boyfriend so no it is not his decision.  This happens a lot if she gets mad at someone or something. I will email her and apologize, I really have no desire to actually go talk to her.
Posted by justinsfiancee[/QUOTE]

I got that, but since you admit this was through text message and tonality doesn't come through with the written word, it's very, very likely she misinterpreted that.

JackieSimms911

I think you did the right thing. She had nothing to do with the situation and they are both idiots to think they wouldn't have to pay for the tux, that's understood when agreeing to be in a wedding... And it was rude of her to bother you with something so trivial right before the wedding. And you can seat people however you want to at YOUR wedding. Plenty of people do head tables like that... People seem to be forgetting whose wedding it was. Honestly, What kind of chipper response would you other ladies have given 2 days before your wedding when all the crap is hitting the fan?

loritajean

I think she was VERY rude to you in her text.

At the same time, you overreacted A LOT in your response. You could have politely said that they'd been told before and that it's traditional for groomsmen to pay for their own attire.

You should also have talked to the GM to ask if he needed help paying for it.

I think you should apologize for your rude response, and say you thought everyone understood how it was going to go. She'll probably also apologize. If she doesn't, it's her problem, not yours.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:10cd7180-7896-4e40-8b0d-d0f98cd11476">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you did the right thing. She had nothing to do with the situation and they are both idiots to think they wouldn't have to pay for the tux, that's understood when agreeing to be in a wedding... And it was rude of her to bother you with something so trivial right before the wedding. <strong>And you can seat people however you want to at YOUR wedding. Plenty of people do head tables like that... People seem to be forgetting whose wedding it was</strong>. Honestly, What kind of chipper response would you other ladies have given 2 days before your wedding when all the crap is hitting the fan?
Posted by JackieSimms911[/QUOTE]

Jackie, suddenly I'm thinking how to introduce parents is the least of your worries. Yes, you CAN seat people however you choose. But if you split up couples, you're just asking for them to be unhappy about it. If someone is so unhappy with the seating arrangement that he asks to please be allowed to go sit with his SO, you CAN of course tell him no, but you are wrong to do so. Your reception is a party you throw for your guests where the point is for them to enjoy themselves, not a play where everyone is a prop to be seated according to what looks best.

If you treat me like crap, I don't care if it's your wedding or your birthday or what, I'm still going to be offended that you treated me poorly, and that's going to affect our relationship going forward.

JanoBean75

If I were you, I'd skip the email -- as she clearly misinterpreted your tone (as did we) in your texts. Just call her up, apologize for the  misunderstanding/miscommunication and ask if you can all move on and be friends again. Keep it short and sweet so she doesn't get bored with a long winded voicemail (she'll probably let your call go to VM).

justinsfiancee

So why did I apologize?  I tried to talk with her, yes on email, but I was very clear as to why I was upset and asked why she was.
I got back a very long email about how I am a self consumed bitch and all my husbands friends hate me and he can't hang out w/ them because I cause drama.
BEcause one time when I was visiting I wanted him to hang out with me and nobody else for a night.  We saw each other every other weekend for the last 5 years.   Apparently that makes me a b$$$$.

Now I am more pissed than ever and going to make sure I look at the window every time I leave my apt. to make sure she is not in sight.

banana468

Justinsfiance, I think the big thing that was done here is that NOTHING like this should ever have been done over text or email.

But what's done is done.  Is it really going to make you feel better to make sure that she's not in sight?

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:5ed1bd75-7273-4f85-9759-07d68357812c">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]So why did I apologize?  I tried to talk with her, yes on email, but I was very clear as to why I was upset and asked why she was. I got back a very long email about how I am a self consumed bitch and all my husbands friends hate me and he can't hang out w/ them because I cause drama. BEcause one time when I was visiting I wanted him to hang out with me and nobody else for a night.  We saw each other every other weekend for the last 5 years.   Apparently that makes me a b$$$$. <strong>Now I am more pissed than ever and going to make sure I look at the window every time I leave my apt. to make sure she is not in sight.</strong>
Posted by justinsfiancee[/QUOTE]

What exactly will this accomplish?

polichik

Emily, I've always liked you, but now I REALLY like you.

OP, please take a few deep breaths. I understand that you were upset and wanted to vent, but you also asked if you were in the wrong. If you didn't want straight-up answers, you probably shouldn't have come onto an internet message board. Strangers aren't going to lie to you and tell you that you're perfect.

You both did things "wrong." But that's beside the point, and bickering over who did what to whom is immature and pretty sad. I have a feeling that you have much better things to do with your time. You can't control what somebody else does, but you can sure as hell control how you react to them. Being angry isn't accomplishing anything. It's up to you how much longer you let this run your life.

justinsfiancee

Sorry I wrote that almost right after she emailed me back.  I wasa little pissed. I tried apologizing to her and apparently that was not a good idea.  She responded back with comments and things that had nothing to do w/ the wedding.  It was  just very stupid and I  did not expect apologizing would lead to more problems.  We have agreed to hate each other and boys can be friends if they want, we don't need to be.  Although she just defriended us on facebook, wow, so I doubt she will "allow" her boyfriend to hang out w/ my husband.
Either way it is over.  I was not sitting around worrying about this for 2 months, just the last 2 days, and I did read all your advice and listen to the parts that were not b%%%% and tried to use it.  I realize I should have texted herback nicer,  I would never have offered to pay for the damn thing because it's not my fault, but whatever.

JanoBean75

Well you could just treat her as you would any neighbor you don't know. Just nod hello and continue doing what you're doing. Avoiding her is going to make her feel like she "won."

justinsfiancee

that's a good point.  I'm pretty sure she avoids us anyways because we rarely see them.

bdriley

Sounds like GM didn't communicate with the girlfriend and she got pissy about being out of the loop and blamed you.  If you don't like her and she is manhandling her man into not socializing with you then it doesn't seem like you'll have to interact with her much anymore.  That would be a win for me.  I wouldn't want to see someone who acted and convinced others to act like a brat.  It sounds like he was acting according to her wishes and didn't want to tell her that he knew and agreed to everything already.  It was easier for him to let her think you were the bad guy.

laladypoet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:b2dfee44-2eac-455e-ad60-ec7e0d48fc13">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long) : Seriously, would you rather be told once and not make the mistake again or spell it wrong forever and have people judging you for it? Because all we have to go on here is how you type, so people do judge you based purely on that.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
although I agree with this as well.
plus, I've never seen EinC say anything mean.

laladypoet

Yeah you might have responded kind of catty, but i'm sure half the girls on here would.  They can say all day long what would have been nice to say, but most wouldn't if they didn't think it would cause a major fight.

yeah. we're all the same people here. and you've got "us" pegged. way to be.

Calypso1977

i dont think head tables are rude, but they are quickly becoming a thing of the past.  while i'd hate to be split up from my H if one of us was in a WP, i could however handle it for a few hours.  its not the end of the world to not share a meal with someone for one night.  but we are both confident, relatively social people that dont need to cling to one another at a social function.

if the meal was going on, i do think teh GM was rude to ask to get up and leave and sit somewhere else.  you would never walk away from teh dinner table in any other situation, so why would it be ok here?   but he did ask, and i probably wold have said ok.

its always expected that WP members pay for attire, not sure why this was a suprise to them.

skylarjo04

I have never been to a wedding where the birdal party didnt stay up at the head table the entire time during the dinner. My fiance was best man in a wedding where I didnt know anyone but I sat by myself and didnt complain to him about not sitting by me. I don't think it was asking too much for him to sit there a whole 30 mins for the dinner, but if he started making a big deal about it I guess I would have just let it go. And I realize that they live together, but I would be pissed off if it was the gf freaking out at me about the tux and not the actual groomsmen. but thats just me.

damaless

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-annoyed-stupid-girls-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:160f03af-8035-4be6-bc55-569bdb3746f5Post:e8c5b823-6232-4333-a68f-283cf5873692">Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Confused. Annoyed. Stupid girls... (long) : This is how my wedding was, as well as how every wedding I've ever been to has been like.  I honestly had no idea how rude people thought it was until I saw posts on it a few months ago.  We also though had nobody in our wedding that wasn't family, or have a whole group of friends there to sit with anyways.  Had we had people with nobody else to sit with that they knew, I probably would have changed it.  But thats totally off topic...
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>I had my head table like this also, with one bridesmaid whose boyfriend was sitting at another table.  HOWEVER, the table with her boyfriend was right next to the end of the head table she was sitting at, and I made sure there was an extra place setting and seat for her beside him at his table, too, so that she could easily go over and sit with him when she really wanted to.</div><div>
</div><div>So maybe it's still a bit rude to have your wedding party sitting at a head table instead of with their significant others or families, but even if you want to insist on doing it that way, you can still make other accommodations that make it easier on everyone.</div>

callalilly323

Just as an fyi, you actually got the "fiancee" correct if your name is supposed to read "justin's fiancee." As this is a French word, the extra "e" is added to denote the feminine of the subject, which would be you, since you are the fiancee. He would be Justin's fiancee's fiance. Haha!

Belle2Be

I"m way late, but I'm kinda surprised you even cared who was still at the head table. You were married, eating good food ( I assume?) and having a good time, it wouldn't have reflected on you poorly or otherwise if everyone had left and it was just the 2 of you up there eating.
I would go talk to her, apologize and say you were out of line for treating them like children, thank them for being in and coming to your wedding, and get over it. If you already have, then ignore this post