FILs want to throw their own wedding party

Belle0720

FI told me this morning that his parents want to throw us a party before the wedding. They want to have this party to include their extended family who is not invited to the wedding. And it sounds to me like it would almost be another wedding reception, not an at home thing, but at a nice reception hall and everything. While of course I appreciate that they want to celebrate our marriage, I know that it's terrible etiquette to invite non-wedding guests to wedding related events. And on top of that it just feels like they are saying that our actual wedding and reception aren't good enough so they have to throw their own.

When we went over the guest list they were totally onboard with it. So to now decide that they want to include more people and do their own party just doesn't make sense to me.

My FI and I discussed that we could suggest they host the rehearsal dinner or a couples shower instead. But I feel like they just aren't going to see the reasoning behind not wanting them to throw us this big party with non-wedding guests. Would it be so much to ask that they just be involved in our actual wedding instead? Any advice?

lauralaur

I wouldn't ask them to throw the rehearsal dinner or a shower because it sounds like they might try to invite all of these same people who aren't invited to the wedding.

Is there any way you can just politely decline the party?

mlg78

If they have all this money to throw for some huge party why don't they just contribute to the wedding so these people are invited to the actual wedding?

Belle0720

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fils-want-to-throw-their-own-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:168063c1-0527-47d7-ae1d-73b6ea5c7f06Post:47d98920-5836-4d7c-8076-59b9df0b7197">Re: FILs want to throw their own wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]If they have all this money to throw for some huge party why don't they just contribute to the wedding so these people are invited to the actual wedding?
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly...it would be nice if they tried to be a part of the actual wedding instead having their own wedding party :-/. But hey that's their money, it's not my place to decide where they want to spend it.

Belle0720

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fils-want-to-throw-their-own-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:168063c1-0527-47d7-ae1d-73b6ea5c7f06Post:6b3df633-3ebe-4fd4-a48a-c53227f86be5">Re:FILs want to throw their own wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]Decline the party but don't ask them to host something else instead. First, it won't solve the guest list issue and second, it's like saying "thank you for buying me this lovely Kitchen Aide, but what I really wanted was a Keurig. Can you take this gift back and exchange it for that instead?" If they ASK about doing something else instead, then feel free to make suggestions. But don't be the ones to bring it up.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Good advice, thanks!

Kate61487

I don't 100% understand what the problem is with their party.  Have they said it would be in honor of you two?  Are they calling it an engagement party or in some other way associating it with you/your wedding?  They're free to have a party for their family if they want; if you weren't engaged would you have a problem with them hosting a party at a reception hall rather than their home?  As long as you aren't the center of attention and they're not putting anything on the invitation about you two I think you should stay out of it.

If they are making it clear it's about you two then I agree with Stage.

melb2013

Miss Manners says it is perfectly acceptable for parents to throw a party in honor of a newly married couple (read after the wedding) for their friends and family who were not invited to the wedding.  Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Belle0720

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fils-want-to-throw-their-own-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:168063c1-0527-47d7-ae1d-73b6ea5c7f06Post:e817c924-6ec7-45f9-a71a-bba5872e685f">Re: FILs want to throw their own wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't 100% understand what the problem is with their party.  Have they said it would be in honor of you two?  Are they calling it an engagement party or in some other way associating it with you/your wedding?  They're free to have a party for their family if they want; if you weren't engaged would you have a problem with them hosting a party at a reception hall rather than their home?  As long as you aren't the center of attention and they're not putting anything on the invitation about you two I think you should stay out of it. If they are making it clear it's about you two then I agree with Stage.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Yes they told FI they wanted to throw us a party to celebrate our wedding and also invite their extended family/friends who are not invited to the wedding itself. If they wanted to throw a party for themselves I obviously wouldn't have any problem or involvement with it.

Simply Fated

I would decline. It sounds so awkward.


"My FI and I discussed that we could suggest they host the rehearsal dinner or a couples shower instead."
Is there a chance they'll invite these extended family members to these parties? I've seen it on here before, so I'm asking lol.
Also, I agree with stage, it sounds like you're asking for an upgrade party, even if you dont' mean it like that lol.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fils-want-to-throw-their-own-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:168063c1-0527-47d7-ae1d-73b6ea5c7f06Post:68e33f04-e8c4-403d-9c31-e3c5667610fd">Re: FILs want to throw their own wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FILs want to throw their own wedding party : Yes they told FI they wanted to throw us a party to celebrate our wedding and also invite their extended family/friends who are not invited to the wedding itself. If they wanted to throw a party for themselves I obviously wouldn't have any problem or involvement with it.
Posted by MissKristenWed84403[/QUOTE]

yeah in that case I'd have FI tell them that you're not comfortable with non-wedding guests at a wedding-related party.  That gives them a few options: 1) make it not wedding-related, 2) not include the non-wedding guests or 3) expand the wedding guest list to include them (if that works for your budget/venue)

Kristin789

CMGr is totally right.
You are on the ETIQUETTE board, and it's correct etiquette and traditional for the bride's parents to host the first engagement party, to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family, and the the groom's family hosts the second engagement party, to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.

The engagement parties happen in the second, third or fourth month after the engagement, and have nothing to do with the wedding's guest list, which will come much later.

http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/engagement-party-etiquette-101.aspx

NYCMercedes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fils-want-to-throw-their-own-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:168063c1-0527-47d7-ae1d-73b6ea5c7f06Post:192ca806-4295-4c8f-adb9-6338320103e9">Re: FILs want to throw their own wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]CMGr is totally right. You are on the ETIQUETTE board, and it's correct etiquette and traditional for the bride's parents to host the first engagement party, to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family, and the the groom's family hosts the second engagement party, to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family. The engagement parties happen in the second, third or fourth month after the engagement, and have nothing to do with the wedding's guest list, which will come much later. <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/engagement-party-etiquette-101.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/engagement-party-etiquette-101.aspx</a>
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Kristin, first, the OP said nothing about an engagement party. Second, your link specifically contradicts what you just wrote: paragraphs 1 and 3 say only wedding guests should be invited to these prewedding parties. Third, your link says the prewedding party should not compete in style and substance with the wedding, which OP says is the IL's plan for the party. Thank you for including the link to answer the OP.

Belle0720

Thanks everyone for the info!

My family did host an engagement party for us a few months after we got engaged a year ago which included 50 of both of our close family/friends. But I don't think this party would fall under the engagement party category since by the time they'd be able to throw it we'd have been engaged for over a year. Even then I don't think non-wedding guests should be invited.

I actually didn't know that post-wedding parties were acceptable and could include anyone so maybe that's an option. But it would still make me feel uncomfortable that we had a wedding, invited 110 other people but couldn't invite them, yet we are inviting them to come celebrate our marriage at a separate party. And even to invite people who already came to the wedding to come to another big party to celebrate...it just seems like a lot. But I guess that's just a personal feeling.

Also, when we first got engaged FI's parents did offer to contribute to the wedding. But after reading on TK I knew not to count on that money while planning. Thank goodness we didn't since it never came to fruition. While we don't want to expand our guestlist a ton, if FI's parents wanted to invite more people and offered to cover that cost it would have been fine. I'm just already over my budget and can't afford to add anyone else. And when we went over the guestlist they were totally fine with it, I definitely asked a few times if there was anyone else they wanted include and they said no.

Anyways, I think we'll just try to decline this party. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I just know I would feel awkward having a party with non-wedding guests there. I feel awkward enough at their family parties when people who aren't invited ask me a bunch of wedding questions and seem to think they are invited. Thanks again for all of your input!

AJuliaNJ

My FIL's wanted to do this, too. They were concerned that people would not want to travel 6 hours to our wedding. I can see how this would be a totally valid concern; I'm sure some won't. However, if people knew they could go to this wedding closer to home, why would they come to our real wedding? It would essentially make it so there is a NJ wedding and a NY wedding. We declined. We would prefer if they were going to spend this much money on this to put it towards the wedding we are planning.