shower????? I need help! please!

pennylp

My future sister-in-law (wife of brother-in-law) sent me an email saying she wanted to have a tea for me.
I do not want any kind of shower - even the thought gives me great anxiety (can't explain why).
My FI had issues with his ex-wife and his family over wedding stuff and I don't wan't to be the cause of any issues now.
Here is the response I was planning on sending:

I truly appreciate the offer for the tea, and I hope you will understand that I would rather not have anything.  I am not comfortable in that kind of setting.
I am very gratful that you thought of doing something. Thank you so much, it means a lot to me.

thoughts? please help!!!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I might make it a little more positive. "Hi Karen! Thank you so much for the offer of a tea! It really means a lot to me that you would want to welcome me into the family like that. However, I'm not really good with groups of people. Even the wedding will be tough for me! Perhaps you and I can just go out to lunch and discuss wedding details?" (Or maybe you'd like to just have a no-gifts lunch with your BMs?)

pennylp

Good advice! no BM's - not our first weddings and we are doing super simple!

dcbowman

First - I think sending her a note is a cop out. Talk to her in person - or on the phone if she is far away.

Second - What makes you uncomfortable about it? You don't have to answer to us- but you should explain to her - she is excited about you becoming a part of their family and wants to celebrate. She deserves to know why you don't want to participate. Just saying "I'm not comfortable in that setting" kinda sounds like you are just blowing it off. Let her know why so she can understand without having any hurt feelings... or just get over it. 

pennylp

wow! thanks, I guess

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Well if it's not a first wedding, maybe there's your out too. You just want to keep things simple, coupled with the fact you aren't good at crowds. But I'd suggest an alternative you feel comfortable with in case she REALLY wants to do something.

dittmerbullard2010

I totally understand what you are saying. I have horrible social anxiety. The only way I would agree to a shower of any type was if it was a couples shower. My FH LOVES to be the center of attention, so I figured having him there would be a great way to take some of the focus off of me.

pennylp

Here's a little more - I see his family every other weekend, its not like we dont see each other - I have already been treated as part of the family.
Not only am I uncomfortable, I see it as totally pointless - to have the sister's in law (again, who I see twice a month), my mom and daughter hang out for tea!
Am I wrong here?

nhelene

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-need-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:175507c2-7fc1-4e29-ac6e-4d815763de22Post:91328e9f-bc78-4910-a444-fa2d77db3789">Re: shower????? I need help! please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's a little more - I see his family every other weekend, its not like we dont see each other - I have already been treated as part of the family. Not only am I uncomfortable, I see it as totally pointless - to have the sister's in law (again, who I see twice a month), my mom and daughter hang out for tea! Am I wrong here?
Posted by pennylp[/QUOTE]

You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to, but sucking it up and doing something pointless for an hour may mean a lot to everyone else involved.  I don't see how this is much different than if they wanted to take you out to lunch or something.  If I was trying to organize something for my FSIL and found out she thought hanging out with me was 'pointless', I'd be very hurt.

Is it the 'tea party' aspect that you find silly?  Because I definitely understand that.  You could always suggest an alternate activity <strong><em>IF</em></strong> you offer to pay or host.  It could be as cheap and simple as pizza and movie night at your place.

pennylp

I do see the "tea" as pointless. Having tea with people I see all the time. I like the idea of pizza or something! That seems SO much more normal. Thanks!