Wedding Etiquette Forum

what to do about missing shower gift

here's an etiquette stumper. 

a friend came to my shower and bought me a gift, a really nice gift.  i only know b/c i can track it on my "thank you note tracker" on my registry site (WS). 

apparently, i did not open the gift at the shower because she's not on the gift list that was prepared at the shower and i have no memory of opening this particular gift (and since i've been obsessing about the registry, i remember everything). 

i called the store to see if she had just shipped it and maybe it's lost, but they said that she picked up the gift at the store and took it with her.

we've seen each other since and no word about the gift. is it completely tacky to ask about it?  do i send a thank you note even though i never actually got the gift? i'd feel horrible if she did bring it and we lost it somehow, then she's out the $$ for nothing.   

Re: what to do about missing shower gift

  • Yes, it would be tacky to ask her. Maybe that's your wedding gift.
  • She's probably saving it for your wedding.
  • I agree with PP's. She probably bought it for your wedding. Definitely don't ask her about it. Wait until after your wedding and I'm sure you'll see it :) If not, I still wouldn't ask. You know it's not lost in the mail, so it would be tacky to bring up "Where is my present?" (although I know you'd say it differently).


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  • no, just to clarify, our wedding is family only so she's not invited. the shower was supposed to be no gift, but people just are nice and buy.  and she's been nice and now i'm afraid i lost the gift! 
  • Does she know she's not invited to the wedding?  Maybe she thinks that since she was invited to the shower then she's invited to the wedding - you know because its really rude not to be.

    I wouldn't ask her and make a rude and tacky situation that much worse.
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  • I would write her a thank you for coming to your shower, and if she did in fact mean to give you something hopefully she'd check to make sure you got the gift. If not, maybe she'll just figure you did and are choosing to focus the thank you more on her being there than on a material item.

    What you did was rude, but what's done is done, and this is my only idea as to how you might solve this.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_missing-shower-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:18aa305b-3a57-402c-b625-8afb81c4146cPost:c61753fa-991b-4390-aae8-a2931ff54c36">what to do about missing shower gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]here's an etiquette stumper.  a friend came to my shower and bought me a gift, a really nice gift.  i only know b/c i can track it on my "thank you note tracker" on my registry site (WS).  apparently, i did not open the gift at the shower because she's not on the gift list that was prepared at the shower and i have no memory of opening this particular gift (and since i've been obsessing about the registry, i remember everything).  i called the store to see if she had just shipped it and maybe it's lost, but they said that she picked up the gift at the store and took it with her. we've seen each other since and no word about the gift. is it completely tacky to ask about it?  do i send a thank you note even though i never actually got the gift? i'd feel horrible if she did bring it and we lost it somehow, then she's out the $$ for nothing.   
    Posted by jlbenda[/QUOTE]

    First of all, nobody who isn't on the wedding guest list should have been invited to a shower.  You want a small wedding, you got no shower, or a small shower. 

    Second, if you wanted no gifts, you should have just invited people over for a luncheon, with no mention of your wedding, a shower, or gifts.

    Third, you should never ask someone about a gift.  What would you say to her? "I noticed from my registry that you bought me my toaster.  But you didn't give it to me at my no-gifts shower, and the store said you didn't ship it to me, so where is my gift?"  If I got that call from someone I would call them a psycho, and either return the gift or keep it for myself. 

    Lastly, just because you are breaking all kinds of etiquette rules with your wedding, doesn't mean that she doesn't have class and want to be nice and send you a wedding gift anyways, even if she isn't invited. 
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  • When I read the subject title I thought you meant a guest asked whether or not you received a gift they sent but you never got it and want to know what to do about it.

    Anyways, I'm not going to go into details of whether what you did was wrong or right since you have plenty of that already but don't mention anything to the guest.  Let them ask you if you got it and then find out from there.  Never ask guests about gifts.

    Good luck!
  • why did you register if the shower wasn't for gifts?
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  • OP, it's considered polite to follow up. Even if you don't like the advice - and I may be biased, but I thought mine was actually pretty good - acknowledgment that you read it would be nice after we spent our time on your question.
  • wow....you ladies are a tad judgmental.

    nobody is invited to my wedding, it is a family only, 20 person affair.  however, many of my friends pressured me to have a shower, my family as well.  because they love me and wanted to celebrate with me in some way because they all knew they would not be coming to the wedding, as i've told them since the day i got engaged.  so i had a shower.  what else do you call it?  just a "i'm getting married party?"  awkward.  so it was a shower, a lovely brunch at a restaurant, a get together with girls who have been meaningful to me throughout my life.

    people gave gifts because, i guess, they are just kind and generous.  now i feel bad because i may have lost her gift.....that's all.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_missing-shower-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18aa305b-3a57-402c-b625-8afb81c4146cPost:f3e0c2a5-a719-429d-8459-87903ae34f1f">Re: what to do about missing shower gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow....you ladies are a tad judgmental. nobody is invited to my wedding, it is a family only, 20 person affair.  however, many of my friends pressured me to have a shower, my family as well.  because they love me and wanted to celebrate with me in some way because they all knew they would not be coming to the wedding, as i've told them since the day i got engaged.  so i had a shower.  what else do you call it?  just a "i'm getting married party?"  awkward.  so it was a shower, a lovely brunch at a restaurant, a get together with girls who have been meaningful to me throughout my life. people gave gifts because, i guess, they are just kind and generous.  now i feel bad because i may have lost her gift.....that's all.
    Posted by jlbenda[/QUOTE]

    <div>That still doesn't explain WHY you registered when you said you didn't expect gifts. Also, you can decline parties.</div>
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