NWR- Baby shower pre-invite

SKPM

I just got an email from a mom-to-be friend (the wife of H's best man/best friend), inviting me and another mutual female friend to celebrate at her 2 upcoming baby showers. I feel awkward about it because she sent us the dates/cities for two showers, one being hosted by her aunt and the other by the dad-to-be's aunt, asking if I have a preference on dates/cities since both aunts are asking for a guestlist.

Thing is, I'm not wild about going to a baby shower at all. Not a slight against the mom at all; she is lovely and I enjoy her company a lot. But I don't much care for kids, and I really don't much care for shower games and baby-themed stuff, and I really don't envision myself having fun at a party with all of the females in their families. (My BMs hosted a couple's shower last summer for H and me, since they knew I would not enjoy an estrogen-fest.) Also, I would literally know one other person present, max, besides the guest of honor, and both showers are over an hour away.

How should I handle this email? "Sorry, I have firm plans for both of those weekends in June already?" (Obviously untrue at this point.) Pick one, get the invitation, and then decline because "something came up"? Tell her that I don't know my plans yet, get invited to both, and decline two showers a week apart?

Final question: this is the first baby shower I have been invited to for a peer/friend (i.e. not a cousin or aunt). Is it normal for her to feel slighted if I don't attend? I don't want to damage the friendship, and I will happily send them a gift, but I don't know if she's likely to feel offended if I don't go and celebrate with her. This is the first baby in my group of friends so I'm a little clueless.

Sorry that was so long. Thanks in advance for any insight or advice.

kmbryant2413

IMO (which will probably be different than most) if you really, truly don't want to go, pick a weekend and then cancel later. This being said, it is considered rude under etiquette rules. Most everyone here will tell you to suck it up, and I might be flamed for it. But if you truly don't want to go, you're not going to. *shrug* I'm feeling rather apathetic today.

OwningAHome1981

I think if she is a good friend to you, you should go. If you really have a bad time, it is only 3 or 4 hours out of life- not that bad in the scheme of things. It's worth going to and showing support for your friend.

Also if this is the first baby shower you have been to, how do you know you aren't going to like it? Baby showers tend to be different than bridal showers.

jessicabessica

It sounds like she's trying to be considerate and have you invited to the shower that would be more convenient for you.  I would think about which weekend might be more likely to work, which is closer (geographically), and which group of people you might prefer, and answer honestly.  Maybe talk to your mutual friend and coordinate, so you both are invited to the same one.  You aren't committing to go right now.  

When the invitation comes, I would consider going if the travel won't be too much for you.  If you can't go, then politely decline, and I would send a gift anyway.  

SKPM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:cc3be9d1-2ef1-4a50-b930-cb533bc5016f">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if she is a good friend to you, you should go. If you really have a bad time, it is only 3 or 4 hours out of life- not that bad in the scheme of things. It's worth going to and showing support for your friend. Also if this is the first baby shower you have been to, how do you know you aren't going to like it? Baby showers tend to be different than bridal showers.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]
I know, part of me feels like I ought to go to show support. The other part of me says "an invitation is not a subpoena." She is a friend, but really this couple is a friend of H and me. (The guys are close friends; she and I married them.) I think what bothers me is that it isn't just 3 or 4 hours, it's that, plus the 3 hours driving. On a Saturday, which is the only day that H and I have off together every week. This isn't the first baby shower I've been to, it's the first for a non-relative.

daria24

"Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I won't be able to attend. I can't wait to see photos of little Johnny." And then I would have a gift sent to the MTB's home, with a nice card. 

lisabeats

I agree with Jessica and Lia. IMHO, I would try to decide which weekend would be best should you go, but say from the get go that you're still not sure you can make it. You will have forewarned her if you decide not to go. I would urge to not RSVP yes to something and then change your mind though, that part I would find rude.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:afab42ca-c6ff-485c-a6a5-5dfffe122eee">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite : I know, part of me feels like I ought to go to show support. The other part of me says "an invitation is not a subpoena." She is a friend, but really this couple is a friend of H and me. (The guys are close friends; she and I married them.) I think what bothers me is that it isn't just 3 or 4 hours, it's that, plus the 3 hours driving. On a Saturday, which is the only day that H and I have off together every week. This isn't the first baby shower I've been to, it's the first for a non-relative.
Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>In this case, I would take Lias advice and send a gift. Sounds like you have a perfectly legitimate reason.

</div>

SKPM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:06dcbc5c-f44e-448f-b4ed-93771de6602e">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just tell her that you aren't sure if you'll be able to make it to either. It is fine to decline the invites if you don't want to go.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
Thanks. I wasn't sure how to respond to this email now; I don't want to commit to something 3 months in advance and then not be able to get out of it. But I like the idea of just telling her I'm not sure I can attend either.

SKPM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:48c5596c-dfd5-4d9c-8b09-0600c52b02b3">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Jessica and Lia. IMHO, I would try to decide which weekend would be best should you go, but say from the get go that you're still not sure you can make it. You will have forewarned her if you decide not to go. I would urge to not RSVP yes to something and then change your mind though, that part I would find rude.
Posted by lisabeats[/QUOTE]
Thanks, I like this wording. I don't want to RSVP yes, but this is almost like a STD where you don't actually RSVP yet. I'll make it clear that my plans are up in the air, and deal with the actual invitations when they come.

And to the poster who suggested coordinating with the mutual friend -- thanks. I would absolutely do that, if I attend either.

I think it's best just to be noncommittal to either shower date right now.

Knottie_22382494

I would just decline the invites without giving a reason.  Why lie when you really have no plans.

For your final question, I would definitely be hurt if I was your friend but I think it depends on your relationship.  It may not be your ideal situation (I certainly never really enjoy showers whether bridal or baby) but I would definitely try to at least make an appearance at some point.  I imagine some people may have not wanted to attend your bridal shower with your husband and would you have been upset had they not attenended?  Again, it's about your relationship.  How close are you two?  If it was a good friend I would rather you show up empty handed to celebrate with me then to decline and a send a gift.  I know that's not your question but just my feeling on the matter.  At the end of the day, things like that are about the memories and sharing your day with people you care about make the best memories (and gifts too)!

SKPM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:9293c803-95d5-404c-a619-a90a3ea924f3">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just decline the invites without giving a reason.  Why lie when you really have no plans. For your final question, I would definitely be hurt if I was your friend but I think it depends on your relationship.  It may not be your ideal situation (I certainly never really enjoy showers whether bridal or baby) but I would definitely try to at least make an appearance at some point.  I imagine some people may have not wanted to attend your bridal shower with your husband and would you have been upset had they not attenended?  Again, it's about your relationship.  How close are you two?  If it was a good friend I would rather you show up empty handed to celebrate with me then to decline and a send a gift.  I know that's not your question but just my feeling on the matter.  At the end of the day, things like that are about the memories and sharing your day with people you care about make the best memories (and gifts too)!
Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]
See, I guess my opinion differs here. I can't just "make an appearance" when both showers are a 3-hour round trip from home. (Also, the couple lives 20 minutes from us, so it isn't like we never see them.) As to our relationship, her husband and my husband go way back. We are friends by association; I have only ever hung out with her with both our husbands. Regarding our shower last year, I absolutely would not have wanted anyone to attend who didn't want to be there. Some people declined the invitation, and I never questioned why, but I hope that those who attended came because they legitimately wanted to. I would much rather have this couple over for dinner to "make memories."

SKPM

Also, thanks to everyone for all of the suggestions. This board tends to be very wise when it comes to wording delicate things tactfully. Much appreciated.

lisabeats

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:9293c803-95d5-404c-a619-a90a3ea924f3">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just decline the invites without giving a reason.  Why lie when you really have no plans. For your final question, I would definitely be hurt if I was your friend but I think it depends on your relationship.  It may not be your ideal situation (I certainly never really enjoy showers whether bridal or baby) but I would definitely try to at least make an appearance at some point.  I imagine some people may have not wanted to attend your bridal shower with your husband and would you have been upset had they not attenended?  Again, it's about your relationship.  How close are you two?  If it was a good friend I would rather you show up empty handed to celebrate with me then to decline and a send a gift.  I know that's not your question but just my feeling on the matter.  At the end of the day, things like that are about the memories and sharing your day with people you care about make the best memories (and gifts too)!
Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]

To clarify, I wasn't encouraging her to lie (and I'm not hating on you, I can see where you would get that impression from my post). I just meant more that it seemed to me that she hadn't decided 100% one way or another whether or not she would go. So picking a date between the two should she have a change in heart and want to go would allow her to do just that. Still, she'd be able to fall back on the truth in declining the eventual invitation when the time comes as well, without it seeming like a false promise that she'd definitely be there.

Knottie_22382494

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:1d94350a-275e-460d-ba98-3ac6d73a9ef5">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite : See, I guess my opinion differs here. I can't just "make an appearance" when both showers are a 3-hour round trip from home. (Also, the couple lives 20 minutes from us, so it isn't like we never see them.) As to our relationship, her husband and my husband go way back. We are friends by association; I have only ever hung out with her with both our husbands. Regarding our shower last year, I absolutely would not have wanted anyone to attend who didn't want to be there. Some people declined the invitation, and I never questioned why, but I hope that those who attended came because they legitimately wanted to. I would much rather have this couple over for dinner to "make memories."
Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE]

Sorry- I didn't realize the distance.  I agree you can't just make an appearance.  If you have never hung out with her outside of the times with your husbands I would think you are fine to skip it.  While I am sure she wishes you were there, I don't think this will cause an arguement. 

I read up on the other advice and unless you are really planning to attend one of them I would not ask for invitations to both.  It seems like you have already made your mind up and don't want to go and given they are back to back I think RSVPing no to both after you get invitations may upset her if she was then expecting you would attend one of them.  If you just say you won't be able to make it now it clears the air and you are off the hook.  As you said that you wouldn't want people to be there who don't want to be, I am sure she will feel the same way and not question why you don't want invites.  If I was her, I would appreciate your honesty up front.

Just curious- what does your husband think you should do? 

Knottie_22382494

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:83dd73f2-460a-478f-b6a3-5027e9bcf5ca">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite : To clarify, I wasn't encouraging her to lie (and I'm not hating on you, I can see where you would get that impression from my post). I just meant more that it seemed to me that she hadn't decided 100% one way or another whether or not she would go. So picking a date between the two should she have a change in heart and want to go would allow her to do just that. Still, she'd be able to fall back on the truth in declining the eventual invitation when the time comes as well, without it seeming like a false promise that she'd definitely be there.
Posted by lisabeats[/QUOTE]

No worries at all!  My lie comment was actually only in response to the OP saying she had firm plans.

ETA: I just re-read your post and I totally agree with what you said.

nda8414

If you decline, which is totally understandable considering the travel involved, can you and mutual friend plan a celebration close to home w/the 3 of you? Maybe a mani/pedi or massage day to pamper her?

SKPM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:1f31a40e-266f-4c47-8c0f-2319c709ead1">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]If you decline, which is totally understandable considering the travel involved, can you and mutual friend plan a celebration close to home w/the 3 of you? Maybe a mani/pedi or massage day to pamper her?
Posted by nda8414[/QUOTE]
I just had a similar thought as well. Because I honestly don't want to hurt her or damage the friendship, I thought about taking her out for a mani/pedi-lunch day or something. Including the third friend as well is a great suggestion.

lyndausvi

Personally, I would pick the place that is the most convenient.  Then when the invite does come in you can decide then if you want to go or not.    No one should expect a firm RSVP 3 months out anyway.   A lot can happen between now and then for anybody.  You might actually want to attend.  Or something firm does come up.    To me it's like a STD.  Some might say they can or can't  come, but things change when the actual invites come out.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:27ab0851-abe2-448e-aa11-707b68a50e30">Re: NWR- Baby shower pre-invite</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO (which will probably be different than most) if you really, truly don't want to go, pick a weekend and then cancel later. This being said, it is considered rude under etiquette rules. Most everyone here will tell you to suck it up, and I might be flamed for it. But if you truly don't want to go, you're not going to. *shrug* I'm feeling rather apathetic today.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]



This is what I would do, too, honestly.

AJuliaNJ

"Thank you for thinking of me. I'd love to celebrate with you. Please send me an invitation to the [insert city of closest one] shower. I'm not entirely sure if I can travel out of town yet, but I look forward to receiving your invitation"

I feel that there is no nice way to say don't send me either invitation. Having her send both means you have to RSVP no to 2 events. The way I'm proposing will make it so she is not surprised when you can't attend.

I am having 2 bridal showers in 2 states. My shower hosts sent invitations to people 3 hours away, but I would not be at all surprised if they didn't come. FMIL had been updating me on guests for her shower and a few of them did RSVP yes and I was shocked. I doubt your friend would be at all upset if you didn't come given the distance.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:a19b8eaa-4da7-46f3-8f91-8557a886bec1">Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite: This. And for the love of all that is good and holy, please ignore Owning's advice. <strong>Not attending a shower has absolutely NO bearing on how good of a friend you are.
</strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

DID I SAY IT DID???????

Kate61487

I like the idea of trying to do something low key with her to celebrate closer to home.  Just wanted to mention that lunch may be better than a mani/pedi.  I've done a little research (because I LOVE me a mani/pedi) and there doesn't seem to be much concrete doctoral advice, but a general uncomfortable feel among moms-to-be about going into a nail salon while pregnant.

misshart00

In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite:[QUOTE]I like the idea of trying to do something low key with her to celebrate closer to home.nbsp; Just wanted to mention that lunch may be better thannbsp;a mani/pedi.nbsp; I've done a little research because I LOVE me a mani/pedi and there doesn't seem to be much concrete doctoral advice, but a general uncomfortable feel among momstobe about going into a nail salon while pregnant. Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Whoops. I have no problem going to a nail salon while pregnant. My doctor told me as long as I'm not drinking the polish, it's not a problem. Lol. But I do understand why it would make some people nervous. Some things make me nervous that other people say are totally fine.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:e1be8c24-4d22-4208-b6ca-2b535dc240bb">Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite: Whoops. I have no problem going to a nail salon while pregnant. My doctor told me as long as I'm not drinking the polish, it's not a problem. Lol. But I do understand why it would make some people nervous. Some things make me nervous that other people say are totally fine.
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

haha I'm not sure what I'd do without regular mani/pedis so I will likely be in your camp when the time comes :-)  Just thought OP's friend might be one of those who's uncomfortable with it so lunch is a safer bet

misshart00

In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite:In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite: Whoops. I have no problem going to a nail salon while pregnant. My doctor told me as long as I'm not drinking the polish, it's not a problem. Lol. But I do understand why it would make some people nervous. Some things make me nervous that other people say are totally fine.Posted by misshart00haha I'm not sure what I'd do without regular mani/pedis so I will likely be in your camp when the time comesnbsp;:nbsp; Just thought OP's friend might be one of those who's uncomfortable with it so lunch is a safer bet Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

I was about to say or coffee but then I realized you can't exactly drink coffee either. Lol

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-baby-shower-pre-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:18bd3a5c-b222-42d4-b51f-70dc779e4456Post:5378ca61-af9d-4ae3-8e0a-cf88b2131240">Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR Baby shower preinvite: Agreed. I was about to say or coffee but then I realized you can't exactly drink coffee either. Lol
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

hey, they sell tea and hot chocolate and stuff at coffee shops.  Totally fair game.

SKPM

So, I posted the OP and some replies, then went out to get my nails done, and my regular nail gal, who owns the salon and works there 6-7 days/week, just told me she's pregnant with her second baby. Had to laugh at the replies when I returned!

Either it's an urban legend of sorts, or my nail girl is completely unaware of said risks (both are viable possibilities).

SKPM

Also, for anyone who was interested, I emailed the mom-to-be back saying that many of my summer plans are still up in the air, and I cannot commit to either shower at this point, and suggested that she have both aunts send me invitations. I know I may be in a pickle if/when I decline two events on consecutive Saturdays, but I wanted to leave my options open.

Maybe once the invitations come out, and I find out some more info from the expecting mom, and collaborate with the mutual friend, one shower or the other will sound more appealing. If not, I will politely decline, send a gift, and see about taking her out for lunch.

Thanks again for all of the opinions, validations, and suggestions!

Knottie_22382452

Are the showers co Ed or are they traditional? If its coEd you might feel a bit better about going because H would be there with you. Have you talked to the mutual friend yet? She could definitely be a rock for you amidst the games and any awkwardness. Since your hubby's are the ones that are friends, a good thing to do would be to talk to him about this as well. You not going to the shower shouldn't strain their relationship BUT in all reality it could when you think of a pregnant woman's emotions and such. It's very nice of her to want you there for this milestone in her life even though the two of you are not the closest. Although if you really are adamit that you will be too uncomfortable then let her know that you are unfortunately unable to attend the showers, at that point ask her for the registries because although you will be absent you would like to send her a gift.

Knottie_22382452

First: coffee, tea, and chocolate all have caffeine levels. It depends on the amount of consumption which will dictate the possible side effects. While I was pregnant I cut out ALL caffeine with the exception of 4 pieces of chocolate, since that has the lowest caffeine amount, that I had through the entirety of me knowing I was pregnant. Not to mention high fructose corn syrup but that's a whole different story. Second: stage is very correct. If the salon does A LOT of acrylic, polish etc it is not a good idea to go there. If you do, go in the early AM and make sure the facility is well ventilated. PLUS you need to make sure that the tub is thoroughly cleaned because of fungus issues/if the nick you during the pedi that's a whole list of ugly that could happen which can cause problems during pregnancy. A lunch or dinner with the mom to be would be great instead as well. That way it's more intimate, she can receive her gift in person and the two of you can chit chat without too many distractions